‘I used to think Manual Equalizers was a Spanish waiter...’
- LEONARD ROSSITER

A truly great moment of secret television. But the spooler in question can rest assured that his fifteen minutes of onanism will never EVER be featured on an Oh No That’ll Be The TV Bloomers From Hell-style mainstream compilation. Partly because it’s too bleak even for television insiders (or a little too close to home, if truth be told), but mainly because it requires a degree of knowledge about the workings of television that the broadcasters assume we don’t have. The set-up would take ages to explain, not including the time it took Denis Norden to slash his wrists.

The so-called ‘Christmas tapes’ , compiled by VT engineers from the late 1970s onwards, do not have the burden of appealing to a lay audience. But, as we shall see, they have an agenda of their own, and - for the TV enthusiast - this can be just as limiting and frustrating.

Once upon a time, you knew where you were with television. If Frank Bough told you it was time for Olympic Grandstand , it bloody well was, and there was no arguing with the fucker. No surprises, then, that the comedy shows which excited viewers most in the 1970s were those which destroyed the rules, dimensions, speed and predictability of television itself - whether it was the Monty Python team coming back after the credits, the Goodies or Benny Hill running around a field at time lapse speed, or Kenny Everett bursting through a huge paper Thames logo like he owned the place (which, in many ways, he did), the suggestion that people who worked for the BBC had the power to play with the logic of television itself was always an arresting one. The appeal of Christmas tapes has its roots in this thinking - the unsettling joy which one associates with being a member of an exclusive club, especially one with loads of buttons ripe for the pressing.

A brief history. At the end of the 1970s, videotape entered an era of experimentation. Machines were now capable of fantastically clever things, albeit in a reliably clunky, bearded, hands-on, BBC kind of a way. Loads of software packages were on the market, and editing had become a creative artform rather than a chore born of necessity. In the past, cutting tape had been a fiddly, painstaking enterprise, but now it was show-off time - pictures could be turned upside down, flipped sideways, chucked about the screen, turned pink, scrambled, and bounced off the channel controller’s toast. And that was just Panorama. TV was there to be toyed with, and - with domestic video recorders costing about the same price as a family car - VT engineers knew that most of the public saw this novelty as a professionals’ reserve.

Consequently, VT departments got a bit above themselves. And why not? They all had the best jobs in the world, after all, and they were entitled to let everyone know about it. So they decided to make promos. Not dull training films that they assumed nobody wanted to see, but amusing compilations featuring the two things they assumed everybody wanted to see - namely, unbleeped out-takes from familiar TV shows, and spoof ‘rude’ versions of otherwise anodyne TV staples featuring the real presenters in end-of-term mode. Producers amiably let the engineers loose on their rushes, allowing them to plunder them for amusing goofs, while wilfully allowing (or, more likely, coercing) their star performers into recording little sketches and announcements tailored exclusively for the tape. Needless to say, these tapes (traditionally played at the Christmas party, with duplicated cassettes being handed out to staff in take-home bags with a slice of cake) had an irresistible currency inside the BBC, and it wasn’t long before they leaked out. Over the years, many of the clearable out-takes have turned up on It’ll Be Alright On The Night and Auntie’s Bloomers compilations, and - more recently - the spoof sketches, alongside some of the less palatable off-cuts, have been featured for the first time in Victor Lewis Smith’s C4 series TV Offal.

There is more mythology surrounding the contents of Christmas tapes than you could shake an Arthurian scimitar at. But we at SOTCAA have made our own investigations, and consulted fifteen of the best, unedited from the original masters. And they make interesting, infuriating, amusing and depressing viewing. Usually in that order. They also prove (or rather confirm) that, in the late 70s, Noel Edmonds was a really funny and likeable bloke. So adjust your mindset, Zoe fucking Ball...

The first BBC tape, 1978’s naughtily-titled White Powder Christmas appeared to kick off the trend, achieving mild tabloid notoriety over a feeble piece of tape-splicing involving Princess Anne. The full exchange, taken from an interview about sexism in equestrian events, merely ran thus...

...but was enough to send ripples through the industry. The following year saw tapes made by Thames television, linked by Kenny Everett, who - obviously delighted by the concept behind the tapes - also contributed to the BBC’s effort. As the 1980s wore on, the tapes became more popular (different companies trying to outdo each other by compiling the most outrageous selection) but also more sporadic - news teams started putting together their own compilations, while separate ITV regions, working on budgets even more minuscule than the BBC’s, started contributing inserts for longer tapes, sometimes of extraordinary bleakness. Southern TV’s effort from 1979 saw a man dressed as Bill Oddie (ie, he had a beard) sitting in an armchair while a stripper, dancing to Oddie’s Saturday Banana theme tune, performed lewd acts on said fruit.

So are they any good, these tapes? Worth tracking down?

Well, yes and no. For a start, there is something enjoyably creepy about the look of the tapes. Can’t deny that. The opportunity to consult unchecked and uncensored out-takes without the familiarity of a Denis Norden or Terry Wogan to fast-forward through lends the contents a certain something. Up to a point. Seeing old clips from late-70s television is usually eerie in itself, whether one can remember the period or not, and seeing the off-cuts is even more unsettling. But out-takes selected by VT engineers dance to an altogether different beat.

This can be enjoyable (unbleeped swearing from actors who you assume would refuse to play ball if someone tried to clear the stuff for transmission - always great to see), but there’s something work-a-day and cynical about the way the clips are selected - particularly the way they are interspersed with out-of-context double-entendres culled from transmitted programmes. VT engineers’ humour (they cack themselves laughing at clips of Play School presenters describing something as ‘very long...with prickles on the end’ ) has inevitably fuelled the I-only-watched-Saturday-Superstore-when-Matt-Bianco-were-being-called-wankers mentality which TV Cream still endorses. So what you lose in patronising, Nordenesque, the-plebs-won’t-get-this concessions, you gain in beery whimsy of the most moustachioed kind.

This lack of context troubles and frustrates. In one terrifying clip, we see Miriam Margolyes (then voice of the Cadbury’s Caramel rabbit) lose her rag completely during a costume drama, clearly after an inept director has informed her that they will have to do an umpteenth take: ‘Well fuck YOU, you fucking bastards - you’re not getting it again, that’s it!’ she screams.

In another clip, we see an unpleasant side to Michael Parkinson, who rejects his floor manager’s plea that he be more professional - ‘Don’t talk to me about being fucking professional or you can piss off,’ he growls. It’s exciting and unsettling to watch, but your impression is that you want to know more - what prompted Margolyes and Parkinson to behave in that way? We’ll never know because, as far as the VT guys are concerned, the only funny thing is that - yuk, yuk - they SWORE. Sometimes the ambiguity is what irritates - in the BBC’s 1984 tape Kevin’s New Job , there is a sketch involving a black employee’s briefcase containing, among other things, a Sooty annual and a can of Lilt. Quite funny for its idiotic obviousness, and certainly not malicious...but the thought of some boneheaded, irony-free office scum cackling at it over their sausage rolls puts you off slightly.

Later tapes are just as annoying in this respect. A BBC News tape from 1997 sees Peter Mandelson walking out of a pre-recorded Newsnight interview, complaining about the interviewer’s ‘Sunday Telegraph attitude’ ; typically, however, we do not see the build-up, so are not allowed to ponder on whether Mandelson’s objections were justified. On the same tape, we see Kenneth Clarke and his wife being hassled on their way to a memorial service: ‘We’re going to a memorial service,’ Mrs Clarke bellows to a persistent reporter. ‘Please let us do so with some dignity’. As usual, there is no context. We do not know whose death they were mourning, and we are denied the opportunity to judge the morality of such press intrusion. As far as they’re concerned, they have a great shot of a stupid old bint in a hat telling them off. More crisps, Dave?

You see, it all comes back to these people’s motives for selecting the clips. Because, as far as we’re concerned, the best way to learn about television is to watch a complete rushes session. Not just the fucks and the door handles, but the whole thing. Every single re-take, every single aside to the floor manager, every single big thick BBC wire trailing across the filthy studio floor. This, argued a young Chris Tarrant, is what they want.

There is, for example, a tape in our possession of a Noel’s House Party dress rehearsal from 1998 - recorded at a time when the show’s future was famously hanging in the balance. In it, Edmonds mopes around the set in his reading glasses, muttering under his breath and snapping at his floor manager, while his depressed crew prepare mirth-free stunts for imminent transmission. It’s fascinatingly bleak viewing, but - like the Natrel advert - it will never end up on a Christmas tape. Partly because Edmonds only swears once, partly because it leaked out from the BBC accidentally and without the permission of the star’s production company, but mainly because the ‘Secret Television’ element is so nebulously slow-burning: there are no obvious ‘moments’ to isolate, just a general air of joylessness and desperation which speaks volumes about the show’s problems. But that, unfortunately, does not compute in the heads of TV producers, and there is a belief that viewers will only lap something up if it is neatly washed, chopped up and labelled like a Marks and Spencer’s lettuce. Even Victor Lewis Smith on TV Offal felt the need to joke about spoof items being ‘pilots’ rather than explaining what the clips actually were.

The compilers behind the Christmas tapes presumably had access to all kinds of stuff in the Edmonds and Natrel vein, but chose not to ‘bore’ us with it. This is a shame, because the thought of entire rushes sessions from many of the programmes featured (Fawlty Towers, Not The Nine O’Clock News, The Young Ones) is just too exciting to contemplate. The reason is not necessarily because they considered it trainspottery to be interested in such things (this is a modern attitude, and entirely the fault of Mark Lamarr), but mainly because the tapes were a vanity exercise - they were designed to show they were nimble-fingered with the edit-buttons, and had a job which was important and worth preserving. It would not be in their interests to show why Miriam Margolyes and Michael Parkinson were so angry because it would reflect badly on them - so they just show the sweary bit out of context, giving the impression that all presenters are egomaniacs without a cause.

The sketches and songs performed by the VT staff themselves are another matter, however. Aside from the industry-standard naked women which pop up every five minutes (always a puzzle - presumably VT engineers had perfectly good wives at home, not to mention access to proper pornography?), the homegrown humour usually amounts to little more than a frustrated engineer singing about obscure editing procedures to the tune of ‘Da Do Ron Ron’. Sometimes they try hard, and it looks amiable enough (one bloke at Central did a sub-Neil Innes effort called ‘I’m Just A VTR Dropout’ which was really smashing), while others mine new depths in desperation - on one occasion, Legs & Co being asked to lip-sync an effort called ‘Nice Legs Shame About The Chromophase’, for fuck’s sake. But for dearth of imagination, you can’t beat this effort from London News Network’s Vince Rogers, sang to the tune of ‘Glory Glory Man United’ :

We work for London News Network
We work for London News Network
We work for London News Neeeeeeeeeeeeet-work
We work for LNN

To be fair to Vince, he did storyboard his moment perfectly, and even roped in the English Chamber Choir to sing the finale. He also did an Elton John parody about an inept soundman entitled ‘Pissing In The Wind’. As always, it’s nice when they make the effort.

The spoof sketches recorded by TV stars are usually just as bad, but -again - there is something forgivably admirable about these people’s willingness to pillory themselves. Victor Lewis Smith picked the best of the bunch in the Rainbow item (‘Have you seen Bungle’s twanger?’ etc), which is fantastic largely because - as he proved on Lee & Herring’s Fist of Fun - Geoffrey Hayes knows how to act comedy. Suzi Quatro appeared in one tape singing alternate lyrics to one of her hits, all pertaining to the shortcomings of Grandstand’s production assistant. Ever the professional, she did it in one take.

Also fantastic is this exchange from a BBC tape featuring Tom Baker and John Cleese (on the set of the Dr Who adventure which guest-starred Cleese and Eleanor Bron as two art-lovers):

Inevitably, the spoof items and the out-takes merged after a while, as the presenters became wise to the tape’s contents - the cry of ‘Merry Christmas VT!’ became a familiar cliché whenever something went wrong in a studio, with Simon Groom, Noel Edmonds and Rik Mayall mugging the most. (Simon Groom also became wise to the engineers’ penchant for double entendres, and began inserting deliberate, and brilliantly straight-faced, innuendoes into his Blue Peter script - ‘What a beautiful pair of knockers’ being the famous example.) Later efforts were less enjoyable, however - the only shocking thing about the 1987 rude version of The Price Is Right is its similarity to most run-of-the-mill ‘alternative’, late-night Channel 4 fare.

Although their candle burned out long ago, the legend of Christmas tapes never really died out. They are still being made today, although their contents are not nearly so inviting - there are stories that a BBC bigwig limited the time and freedom given over to the tapes’ production when he found that footage of his secretary doing a strip was being sold out of a suitcase on Camden high street, leading to the tapes becoming more restrained affairs. This is certainly plausible, and it seems that, in the wake of Birtism and the current Theakstonization of the BBC (‘fuck fun, where’s my career going?’), today’s TV stars are nowadays less willing to send themselves up - an attitude which stems from a general desire among presenters not to get their hands too dirty. When they do make fun of their own behaviour, it is done so tediously and in full cynical command of their public image - on Central TV’s 1996 tape, we are treated to a montage of fake, postmodern tantrums from Paul Ross, which just make you want to kill him. There are also less out-takes these days, presumably a result of new-fangled administration hassles between the archive idiots and the engineers. Rather oddly, in spite of Birtism, the VT engineers’ sketches remain, and they’re as bad as ever - 1996’s live-action Scooby Doo parody reaching new depths.

But, anyway. Here’s some facts. What follows is a complete tracklisting for each of the 15 tapes we’ve viewed. To make clear the origin of each clip, we’ve employed the following key...

...so hopefully that’ll clear any mysteries up.

We are extremely grateful to both Simon Harries and Andrew Wiseman for their help in tracking down the cassettes. The opinions in this article do not necessarily reflect their views, although they’re probably with us on Paul Ross.

White Powder Christmas
(BBC, 1978; 56m)

A/C: BBC testcard (colour bars), cut to:
R/M: Same design on knitted jumper - pull out to reveal newsreader Kenneth Kendall in red mortar board. He announces that BBC staff are to be paid in Monopoly money this year and there is only room for one new programme.
E/H: Pan across to tinsel-stewn clapperboard. We hear interview snippets from people talking about what it’s like to work in VT.
A/C: Montage of various clips and idents to rock track (‘Television’); beat-corrective photographs of editing suites, etc
E/H: Introduction by VT engineer dressed as Santa Claus
E/H: Showbizzy caption and announcer: ‘White Powder Christmas’
A/C: Various American film comedy clips: Tower block falling to pieces, gorilla attacking newsreader, a cowboy punching a horse (Blazing Saddles, Kentucky Fried Movie(?), etc)
A/C: Thames TV sting and David Jacobs’ ‘Here’s a rotten old BBC programme’ link (from Monty Python’s Flying Circus)
E/H: Spoof BBC announcement tells us about ‘Doug Who and the Sharedelevenoids’, and The Good Life, ‘showing that self-sufficiency is possible anywhere outside the BBC’.
A/C & E/H: Nationwide titles. The film speeds up and jams. Empty Nationwide studio ('Where's Frank?!?').  Comedy apologies. Lots of idents, and satirical comments about industrial disputes.
R/M: Another link from Kendall, now joined by Michael Crawford in character as Frank Spencer.

O/T: Costume drama - Princess says ‘Oh fuck, I’ve blown it’
O/T: Clive James and guest (Kenneth Tynan?) ponder on whether Angela Rippon has larger breasts than Melvyn Bragg ('They're just further from the ground, that's all...'). Quick audio clip of Rippon dubbed over stock footage of breast.
A/C: Clip from Kentucky Fried Movie - a couple make love of a sofa, while a flustered newsreader looks on.
O/T: A director instructs a couple on how to perform a sex scene ('Cum, baby...').
O/T: That’s Life! dress rehearsal - Esther Rantzen in dressing gown and curlers.
A/C: Michael Parkinson and Miss Piggy
O/T: The Two Ronnies - Newsreader Corbett cannot say the word ‘Swedish’.
A/C: Clip from Charlton Heston(?) film
A/C: More Parkinson and Piggy
A/C: Dr Who - out of context reference to the 'key to time'
A/C: Return to the ‘flustered newsreaders’ Kentucky Fried Movie clip.
R/M: More Kendall and Spencer (‘Morning, VD Control...’)
O/T: Swap Shop trailer - Edmonds corpses ('I can't keep up that face, I'm sorry...')
R/M & A/C: Kendall links into footage of Kenny Everett recording his Capital radio show
O/T: Q9 - Spike Milligan, dressed in smock and red nose, awaiting his cue
O/T: (Unknown sitcom) - Man and woman on sofa.
O/T: The Dick Emery Show - Emery as rail porter fluffs lines, blows raspberry
O/T: Ibid(?) - actress trips over wire
O/T: Ibid(?) - Christopher Biggins cannot catch cricket ball
O/T: Ibid(?) - Roy Kinnear chats up barmaid (general corpsing)

[Note: The above few out-takes are pre-filmed yet boast audience laughter suggesting that they may all originate from The Dick Emery Show (which often featured a 'Comedy Of Errors' sequence of bloopers at the end of each programme)

O/T: Two Ronnies - Lairy men in pub (Corbett asks wrong question)
O/T: (unknown sitcom) - Two policemen messing up lines
O/T: Q9 - More from Milligan
O/T: The Goodies (‘The End’) - Gramophone ridiculousness
O/T: Marti Caine in hospital bed sketch - fruity actor fluffs lines.
R/M: Another link from Kendall and Spencer (‘He’s trouble...’)
E/H: Boring dancers captioned ‘The Memorex Cloggers’ - various stumbles left in.
O/T: Dress rehearsal for The Generation Game (Isla St Clair wishes everyone in VT a Merry Christmas)
O/T: The Generation Game - featuring the Ippi Tombi can can - woman’s breasts exposed
O/T: Two romantic dancers knock table over ('Dancin' Easy' - Martini ad tune with lyrics).
O/T: The Three Degrees accidentally knock mic and argue among themselves comedically.
O/T: (unknown American variety show) - musical prop problems
O/T: Playaway - Brian Cant tickles Toni Arthur’s right breast
A/C: The Goodies ('String') - slow-motion footage of woman walking through sea.
O/T: Camera tracks topless woman walking down beach (overdubbed with some out of context chatter about 'getting it up')
A/C: Various unknown sex-based film clips
A/C: Monty Python’s Flying Circus Series 3 intro - Nude organist, etc
A/C: Clips of that Goons-inspired Prince Charles sketch
O/T: That’s Life dress rehearsal clips.
A/C: Kentucky Fried Movie sketch about cinema specialising in ‘Feelaround'.
O/T: Dr Who - Tom Baker pretends to kiss his companion.
A/C: Yet more Parkinson and Piggy
A/C: That Was The Week That Was - Bernard Levin gets a punch.
A/C: Rugby match
A/C & E/H: David Coleman interviews Princess Anne (Re-edited)
O/T: Frank Bough attempts World Cup trailer
A/C: Football (Argentinian commentator gets excited)
A/C: Match Of The Day theme cut to sporting clips and tits.  Empty studio goes dark with death knells.  ('We appear to have lost that programme due to lack of finance')
A/C & E/H: Training film, talking about vacancies in VT
A/C: More footage of Kenny Everett’s Capital radio show
A/C: Various sad clips
O/T: Weathermen, then E/H spoof (‘There’s some depression over Television Centre...’)
O/T: Nude scene from unknown drama - 'Bums and tits and cocks...', says the lead player, excitedly.
A/C: Kentucky Fried Movie - end of ‘Feelaround’ sketch.
A/C: The Dave Allen Show - phallic imagery sketch - Woman bites breadstick like a penis and Allen chokes on his drink.
R/M: Kendall and Spencer again - Cracker joke
O/T: (unknown costume dramas) - crying baby revealed to be obvious doll; Jean Boht can't find prop amidst costume and breasts.
O/T: Dr Who - Tom Baker bollocks K9 (‘Yeah, you never fucking know the answer when it’s
important...’)
O/T: Blake’s 7 - various gun problems
O/T: Blake’s 7 - eyepatch-wearing space-baddie busts prop
O/T: The Mike Yarwood Show - as Jim Callaghan, 'can't see the autocue for the bloody snow...'
A/C: That’s Life dress rehearsal- Cyril Fletcher and 'Tit Man' advert.
O/T: Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em (‘I pillaged the turch...’)
O/T: clips of Michael Parkinson loses his rag (‘Don’t talk to me about being fucking professional, or you can piss off...’) intercut with exploding studio light.
O/T: Quiz show with Joyce Grenfell ('I would like a P...')
O/T: Play School - Fred Harris beats up toys goes all Jewish (‘I’m an artist!  How am I expected to work with these amateurs...’)
O/T & A/C: That's Life dress-run clip edits seamlessly to its broadcast equivilent.

Esther Rantzen's face (© 1978 Esther Rantzen)

A/C: Blue Peter - Goldie attacks teddy bear.
O/T: That's Life - Cyril Fletcher comes in a bit too early.
R/M: Outro from Kendall and Spencer
R/M: Various people wish VT a Merry Christmas, including Mike Yarwood as Bill Cotton, Little & Large, Blue Peter teams and Leonard Rossiter in bed (on set of Reggie Perrin)
E/H: VT engineers in Radio Times cover spoof
E/H & R/M: Legs & Co dance with VT engineers to ‘Instant Replay’
R/M: Xmas message outro from Frank Bough
E/H: Lengthy Pythonesque credits
R/M: Dr Who - The cast get pissed on whisky.  K9 asks Tom Baker what his Xmas desire is - Baker gestures lustfully to his assistant

Good King Memorex
(BBC 1979; 54m)

E/H: TV Centre animation - man goes into storeroom with mischievous look on face.
O/T & E/H: Spoof trailer - ‘Christmas Eve On BBC1’, including out-takes from Fawlty Towers, Under The Miseltoe, A Christmas Carol, Mark Yarwood impersonating Ken Dodd, In The Country with Sue Lawley, Nationwide, Frank Bough on Grandstand, Mastermind, Dr Who, As You Like It, The Beryl Reid Show, The Onedin Line, Come Dancing, The Stranglers on The Old Grey Whistle Test, Better Golf (Parkinson), Isabel’s Return. Menu reads ‘Fucking arseholes’

E/H: Spoof BBC announcers
R/M: Kenny Everett introduces ‘Good King Memorex’, and mentions the Princess Anne spoof from last year.
E/H: Animation based on Sunday People cover story
O/T of R/M: Michael Crawford corpses during the recording of White Powder Christmas
O/T: David Attenborough engulfed by a volcano
O/T: Costume drama - ‘Let’s get the farts out the way...’
O/T: Isla St Clair trips up and drops her lamb
O/T: Mike Yarwood trips over
O/T: (unknown comedy sketch) - naked man trips over after shower mishap
A/C: Rolf Harris on children's show - Gets custard pie in the face and looks really pissed off
O/T: Brotherhood of Man on TOTP - Mime track sticks; band amused.
A/C: Denis Healy / blonde one out of Abba.
A/C: Blue Peter - a penguin pecks a bloke's hand.
A/C: Animal Magic - Elephant shits and pisses
A/C: That’s Life - Pissing dogs run amock
A/C: Chris Serle - ‘Doesn’t it make you sick?’ / man vomiting into sink.
O/T: (unknown costume drama) - Nun cannot open letter.
O/T: Work experience phone number - prop mistake.
O/T: Tomorow’s World - Judith Hann burns herself with chemicals.
O/T: Swap Shop - Noel Edmonds as vicar (breaks into giggles - 'Merry Christmas VT...')
A/C: Dame Edna Everage falls over a sofa
O/T: (unknown costume dramas) - Two set of curtains both fall down
O/T: To The Manor Born(?) - chimney sweep mishap ('The bird forgot to come...)
O/T: (unknown costume drama) - Man exits doors badly (x2)
A/C: The Generation Game - broken door
O/T: The Fall & Rise of Reginald Perrin - Lout enters living room
O/T: (unknown comedy show) - 'You always were a big tit man...'
O/T: Fawlty Towers out-take suite (including ‘door-tapping’ ad lib)

The comic improvisational genius of John Cleese

A/C: Election 79 - Newsreader looks at wrong cameras
R/M: Voiceover - ‘This is Boob-B-C 1...’
A/C: Nationwide titles + various clips (inc. Savile ‘Nasal Sex’)
O/T: Nationwide - Frank Bough in Bruges, man walks past him
O/T: Pigeonhole - various screw-ups
R/M: Nationwide - John Stapleton kidnapped by VT engineers
R/M: A quick newsflash (Angela Rippon and Richard Baker)
R/M: Weatherman Jim Bacon sings ‘It’s raining on my chart...’
O/T: Ian McGaskill is feyly surprised by mis-spelling of 'Fog' and Michael Fish gets irritated by non-magnetic weather symbols.
R/M: Peter Woods investigates editing suite
E/H: Song - ‘Rip Scratch (Keep Away From Edit Suite 2)’
O/T: Engelbert Humperdinck messes up choreography ('Hell of a singer...’)
R/M: Ask Aspel - with guest Michael Palin
R/M & E/H: Aspel interviews engineer / Dalek in background says ‘Bollocks’
R/M: Comedy breakdown leads to Jimmy Savile ‘fixing’ VT

R/M: Kenny Everett voiceover - ‘Christ, this is the fucking BBC again...’
A/C: Chris Serle - ‘Doesn’t it make you sick?’
R/M & E/H: Suzy Quatro (as Suzy Quantel) sings ‘Sports PA’
O/T: Kid Jensen asks TOTP woman if she likes The Dooleys. She says ‘No...yes...’.
A/C: Schoolboy science show
A/C: Soviet correspondent - Cameras in shot
A/C: Question Time - ‘Mixed bag...’
A/C: Sports footage over Cliff Richard’s ‘Travellin’ Light’
A/C: Blue Peter - ‘Tina and me in different positions...’
O/C & E/H: Spoof commentary over Humperdinck line-up (‘Gimme a shot of Enge...’)
A/C: Play School - Song ‘One Button Won’t Keep The Rain Out’ (+ strippers)
A/C: Marti Caine sings ‘Bosom Buddies’; cheerleaders spell out ‘Bristol City’
A/C: Eric Idle as highwayman (Phallic pistol)
A/C: Play School - various out-of-context clips (‘It grew and grew...’)
O/T: Back to the Humperdinck line-up
A/C: Old film clip (‘Back on the job’), Jim'll Fix It ('Now then, on with the job') and Carol Chelle on Play School.
R/M: Rolf Harris - Saucy flip-book
A/C: Woman nicknamed ‘Pussy’
O/T: Are You Being Served? - ‘My pussy comes of age...’
A/C: Geoffrey Howe
O/T: More Humperdinck (Christmas message)

Englebert Humperdinck wishes us all a Merry Christmas
(how very like the man)

E/H: VT Tea ad
O/T: Swap Shop trailer (Cameraman trips up)
E/H: Sunday People ad - Princess Anne, costume dramas, Lucy Offerall from 200 Motels (original video footage - pre-celluloid conversion)
R/M: John Cleese presents a tape machine to Tom Baker
O/T: Angela Rippon - ‘I can’t get it in...’
O/T: Swap Shop trailer (another screw-up)
A/C: Dr Who clip - links into:
R/M: Randy Dalek (Seduces VT machine)
A/C: Callaghan and Thatcher clips; Robin Day and Dennis Skinner - ‘Parliamentary cunt...er, cult’
E/H: Office girl sings ‘4050’
O/T: Magnus Magnuson’s phone rings
O/T: Noel Edmonds - 'Bill Cotton on line 6?'
A/C: Dusty Springfield announces award for ‘best grope’
R/M & E/H: Legs & Co mime to ‘Nice Legs Shame About The Chromophase’
E/H: IRA joke
E/H: Two engineers startled by giant film spool
R/M: Play School - 'I go for men with big spools...' (Fred Harris mishears)
O/T: Play School - Fred Harris’ ‘Bee Song’ (‘Oh my God, I’ve mucked it up...’)
R/M: Dalek link
O/T: The Goodies - Tim messes up several times (from 'Politics')

Tim Brooke-Taylor, mid squawk

O/T: Terry & June - Terry’s spaceship
O/T: The Onedin Line - multiple takes of one simple line.
O/T: Election 79 - Nothern Ireland correspondent cannot read autocue
O/T: Crap golfer (with Michael Parkinson)
O/T: Swap Shop trailer - Piano (various twat-ups)
O/T: Shirley Bassey link (‘Now piss off!’)
O/T: Apologetic flat singer
A/C: Pan’s People on Jukebox Jury (Space Invaders)

Votes for Pan's People - signs say 'Piss, Shit, Piss, Shit'.  Comedy, there...

E/H: ‘Bionic Bill Cotton’ - makeshift animation ('Rudoph The Red Nosed Reindeer’)
O/T: Englebert Humperdink ('A happy Christmas, anybody...')
R/M: Manuel’s Christmas message
R/M: Swap Shop floor manager's Christmas message
R/M: Mike Yarwood's Christmas message - ‘Hello, Harold Wilson here...’
R/M: The real Harold Wilson's Christmas message
R/M: Shirley Williams’ Christmas message
R/M: Edward Heath’s Christmas message
E/H & R/M: Song - ‘Really Rocking In Network’, with various clips including Michael Rodd, Reggie Bosanquet and Barry Norman.
R/M: Noel Edmonds outro
R/M: John Cleese asks Tom Baker for autograph for blind Godson
R/M: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore (‘Is it live or is it Memorex?’ / 'Durex if you ask me...')

Alternate timeclocks...

Saturday Banana
(ITV Southern, 1979; 3m)

A man who looks nothing like Bill Oddie sits in a chair with a banana, while a stipper dances erotically to the theme from Saturday Banana (Oddie’s TV show of the period). Presumably an insert for a longer tape.

OBA 1
(Thames, 1979, 10m)

E/H: Countdown clock (Animated photos barking ‘VT, are you ready?’ etc)
E/H: Star Trek parody (Search for new civilizations, etc)
R/M: Hot Gossip (Or people very much like them)
E/H: ‘Tonight on OBA 1’/Kenny Everett jingle
E/H & O/T: OBA recruitment ad - includes Tommy Cooper out-takes
A/C & R/M: Kenny Everett jingle (overdubbed - changes 'Thames TV' to 'OBA')
A/C & E/H: Buzby Telecom parody
E/H: Ad for new station chip
E/H: Negro animation
O/T: The Sweeney - Ad spoof
R/M: Rainbow sketch*
E/H: VT groupies/deodorant ad spoof
Kenny Everett link (Choir)
O/T: The Kenny Everett Video Show - Sid Snot says he’s not a swearing man
R/M: Spike Milligan - ‘Merry Christmas, even if you’re Jewish...’

Little Parcels (aka Not the VT Xmas Tape )
(BBC, 1980; 30m)

O/T: Old Grey Whistle Test - Anne Nightingale gets changed/Countdown
E/H: 1960s Lime Grove tape
A/C: Various clips, including man as lion with tail caught in mangle
O/T: Not The Nine O’Clock News - Pamela Stephenson as camoflagued newsreader in nuclear bunker
R/M: Pamela Stephenson (in same session from above) says that people are deliberately making mistakes in order to get on the VT Christmas tape.
O/T: Man attacked by cockerel
O/T: Boom! Out Go The Lights - Alexei Sayle
O/T: Boom! Out Go The Lights - Tony Allen
A/C: Blue Peter - ‘What a beautiful pair of knockers...’
A/C: Play School - Carol Chelle (looks like she's playing with herself)
A/C: Wogan and Des O’Connor - ‘If the real cocky me was ever exposed...’
A/C: Carol Chelle again
A/C: Blakes 7
O/T: Not The Nine O’Clock News - ‘Beat the Cliche’ sketch (Griff forgets to pick up phone)
A/C: Carol Chelle yet again
R/M: Pamela Stephenson - ‘The number of indecisive producers at Not The Nine O’Clock News editing sessions has been reduced to 17...’
O/T: Costume drama - Hand caught in neck
O/T: Pre-Raphaelite woman says fuck
O/T: Robin Hood - Broken sword
A/C: Play School - Carol Chelle, etc
O/T: Noel Edmonds trailer - ‘A little quiet at the moment...’
O/T: Swap Shop - Keith Chegwin on roller skates
O/T: Not The 9 O’Clock News - Chris Langham on po-ped (does a wheelie, falls off)
O/T: Not The 9 O’Clock News - MP leaves brothel (Rowan hasn’t got his watch on)

Chris Langham's battle with the bottle.  NB: the sketch as transmitted also featured the fall but freezes mid-wheelie.

Rowan Atkinson in a (possibly never even transmitted) NTNOCN sketch about MPs and brothels.

O/T: Jim’ll Fix It - Savile asks woman to put cable down his trousers.
O/T: Hitler - Rally / Statue.
E/H & O/T: Annie Nightingale - ‘I thought my nose was running, but it’s not...’
E/H: The VPRs - ‘Is It Real Or Is It Video?’  (the VT engineering 'house band' get to perform in the Whistle Test studio.  Perks of the job...)
E/H: Announcer - ‘Now over to Frank Bough who's starting another bleedin’ sports programme...’
O/T: David Coleman in a strop
A/C: Open Golf - Fucked up logo / Olympic Grandstand
O/T: David Coleman - Removing chewing gum
E.H: Sink plunger phone
A/C: Olympic clips to ‘Back In The USSR’
A/C: Frank Bough - ‘If I had a daughter, that would be it...’ (Streaker)
O/T: Jimmy Hill innueundo
A/C: Winter Olympics
O/T: David Coleman - Jovial strop
O/T: Sports Personality of 1980 - Sign falls down
E/H: Man in toilet/Engineer logs himself
A/C: Black gymnast/Tarzan joke
A/C: Frank Bough fills in (‘There’s the music, time for me to go...’)
A/C: Grandstand - Various clips
O/T: David Coleman - Angry stop (‘We’re not going to do the programme this way again - I mean, no way...’)
E/H: Drunken BBC1 announcer
E/H & R/M: Hitler shoots Jim Bacon and does weather forecast ('Don't forget the hail, Hitler...')

R/M: Rowan Atkinson - ‘Here’s the parcel you’ve been waiting for...’
E/H: Spoof Ident - Dirty Weekend Television.
A/C & E/H: Not The 9 O’Clock News - ‘Blatant Pornography’ (VT engineers over).
O/T: Sweary sex scene.
A/C: Another sex scene.
O/T: Unknown drama - Couple under umbrella (‘Anything more?’)
A/C& E/H: : It’s A Knockout - ‘It’s a knocker out’
O/T: Another sex scene ('He has no clothes on!  I was assured this would not happen!')
O/T: Rape scene (Giggles)
E/H: VT tea ad - Indian pickers
R/M: Mel Smith and Pamela Stephenson - ‘If you like boobs...’

Specially recorded NTNOCN messages

R/M: Legs & Co link
O/T: Little and Large - crack-up
O/T: Marti Caine - trailer / Checks cleavage
O/T: Rock & Pop Awards dancers - 2 fall, other looks on annoyed
O/T: (unknown sitcom) - Boxer in restaurant (Cannot open letter)
O/T: Citizen Smith (Running downstairs)
O/T: Harry H Corbett - German dance
O/T: Citizen Smith Take 2
O/T: Derek Griffiths - Arsecheek hanging over stool
O/T: Citizen Smith Take 3
O/T: Yes Minister - ‘Oh shit...’
O/T: Citizen Smith Take 4
R/M: Les Dawson - Lewd ballads
E/H & R/M: Pervy VT man interupts Come Dancing
O/T: Blankety Blank - Lennie Bennett says ‘Don't put dick...’
R/M: Little & Large - Boney M
R/M: Kids say Merry Christmas
R/M: Pamela Stephenson says Merry Christmas
R/M: Blue Peter team say Merry Christmas
R/M: Hitler says Merry Christmas
E/H: Credits over Dick Dale music
O/T: Drama - Man hit with custard pie
E/H: Warning - ‘If you have copied this tape, Norman is watching you!’

VT Xmas Party Tape
(BBC, 1981; 20m)

E/H: ‘VT Xmas Party Tape’ logo
A/C: Various Lime Grove/Alexandra Palace footage
O/T: Mike Yarwood as Dame Edna - ‘The fucking thing doesn’t scan...’
O/T: Drama - Gobblygook
O/T: Miriam Margolyes - ‘Well fuck you, you fucking bastards...’
O/T: Drama - Saucy man asks if a fuck is out of the question
O/T: The Kenny Everett Television Show - Cupid Stunt’s 'opening position'.
R/M & E/H: Brian Cant intro / link

E/H: Girl does pretend strip
O/T: Alexei Sayle in theatre - ‘Mr Sweary’ character
R/M: Rowan Atkinson in VT suite hurriedly turns tap off
R/M & E/H: Brian Cant link
R/M: Rowan Atkinson presses button
R/M: Children sing ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’
A/C: Preview of forthcoming clips - ‘Management Approved’ caption
O/T: More Alexei Sayle
O/T: The Little & Large Show - Eddie Large as Scarlet Pimpernel forgets line / Eddie Large as Barbara Woodhouse - false breasts fall out
E/H & A/C: Space Invaders joke
A/C: Jimmy Hill link - Siren in background
A/C: Streaker
A/C: Cricketer - ‘An action that schoolboys should imitate...’
A/C: Various sports clips
A/C: Not The 9 O’Clock News - Women’s football sketch
A/C: Tenko - Tits (‘We’re all girls together...’)
A/C: Stopwatch - Suzanne Dando and Daley Thompson demonstrate exercises
O/T: Drama - Naked chestnuts
A/C: Simon Groom on Blue Peter - ‘Decent lay’
O/T: More Alexei Sayle
A/C: Sex robot cartoon
A/C: A Kick Up The 80s - Natinwide spoof (Roger Sloman as cross-channel swimmer)
O/T: Jonathan Dimbleby gargles (‘Nectar!’)
A/C: A Kick Up The 80s - Reprise of same sketch
O/T: Pamanora - Jonathan Dimbleby and fly (‘...a pain in the neck’)
O/T: Another Dimbleby gargle
O/T: Woman amused at Bob Wellings wearing odd socks
O/T: Sue Cook gets into sports car (Undignified)
R/M: Blonde woman at airport says Merry Christmas
O/T: Drama - Crashing car (‘I’m glad you stopped...’)
A/C: Rally - ‘That’s the benefits of a clean windscreen...’
O/T: Rula Lenska demonstrates car
O/T: More Alexei Sayle
O/T: Open All Hours - Moth balls
O/T: The Kenny Everett Television Show - ‘You’re such a wacky fucker...’
O/T: Magnus Magnuson - ‘Prince Charles is the first prince to marry in the shit...’
O/T: Charles and Di sketch - Various mistakes
O/T: Kids TV - ‘There’ll be an edit here...’
O/T: Tessa Peake Jones - Wind blows up skirt
A/C: Larry Grayson on The Generation Game - Electric organ
R/M: Russell Harty says Merry Christams
O/T: Woman momentarily forgets Peter Skellern’s name
O/T: Final bit of Alexei Sayle
O/T: The Kenny Everett Television Show - Billy Connolly and Kenny Everett as tea-room ladies (‘Did you say fuck? You CUNT!’)
R/M & E/H: Final word from Brian Cant
R/M: Mike Yarwood as Harold Wilson

Flash Frames
(BBC, 1982; 40m)

R/M: John Craven warning
O/T: Man squatting on table briefing crew
O/T: Barry Humphries - ‘I was such a cunt, I was offered a senior job at the BBC...’
O/T: Panorama - Jonathan Dimbleby impersonates theme music
O/T: Preview of forthcoming clips
O/T: Tomorrow’s World - Judith Hann on roller skates
A/C: Saturday Superstore - ‘I’ve just broken a Beatle...’
O/T: Police drama - Doorhandle
O/T: Another door handle
O/T: The Young Ones - Exploding cooker (Sound effect mis-cued)
O/T: Correspondent - Backdrop falls down
E/H: Dennis Healey overdubbed
O/T: Swearing opera singer
O/T: Judi Dench with William Ruston - ‘Shitting through the letterbox...’
O/T: Noel Edmonds - Corpsing woman
O/T: Judi Dench 2
O/T: Kenny Everett on Blankety Blank - ‘Terry is a poof’
O/T: What’s My Line - Camp man
O/T: Ventriloquist - ‘Cut this bit...’
A/C & O/T: Blue Peter out-takes compilation - as transmitted, plus extra stuff. Peter Duncan with overlayed costume (‘What happened?'), shitting horse, Simon Groom talking about ‘bashing his nuts’, and talk of what a Scotsman wears under his kilt
E/H: Dolly Parton song - Assorted tits
E/H: The Pope - Tits gag
R/M: Retrieving videotap from Blue Peter pond
A/C: ‘The First Ever VT Tape’ - Clips from American out-takes tape
O/T: Dixon Of Dock Green - ‘Dick Green Dock...’
E/H & A/C: Clive Dobson ad Dicky Walker watch flashing dancer
E/H: ‘Super-Visor’ (Superhero spoof)
O/T: Star Trek (Various clips)
A/C: The Kenny Everett Television Show - Everett sells Billy Connolly a cassette
A/C: Smith & Jones on A Christmas Night With The Stars - Video nasties
A/C: John Craven interviews Mary Whitehouse (Edited)
O/T: ‘I Spit OnYour Asp’ - Director supervises sex scene
O/T: Russell Harty and Samuarai guest
E/H: ‘Love Tap’ film
A/C: Kenny Everett link
O/T: The Kenny Everett Television Show - Cleo and Marcel Wave in bed ('Don't kick me in the balls...')
O/T: Terry and June - Mr Dennis forgets line
O/T: Colin Jeavons sitcom
O/T: Eureka! - Penny farthing / Giggling Beadle
O/T: Terry and June - Stiff upper arm
O/T: Drama - Smoke
O/T: Hi-de-Hi credits - Simon Cadell picks nose
O/T: Leonard Bernstein shows dentures
O/T: Sheelagh Gilbey swears
O/T: Paul Daniels quiz show - ‘I like small men...’
O/T: Open All Hours - Pastry
O/T: Rentaghost - Mr Meaker covered in milk (‘It’s running down my willy...’)
O/T: Man waiting outside courtoom - Shows cock
A/C: Costume drama - ‘Put that away, George...’
O/T: Eureka! - Jeremy Beadle gets his cock out and depresses everyone

Jeremy Beadle's cock, watching us, watching you, blah...

O/T: Paula Yates makes risque comment to Wogan about Prince Andrew’s chopper.
O/T: Pamela Stephenson being bawdy at Booker Prize launch or something.
O/T: Ken Dodd as Dr Doolittle - Elephant prods him in bollocks.
O/T: Des O’Connor - Says balls / Meets Freddie Starr / Actress objects to phallic microphone.
R/M: Mike Read - ‘If you like filthy things...’
A/C: Duran Duran - ‘Girls On Film’ video (Rude section).
O/T: John Cleese and Michael Palin on chat show - Marriage to Duke of Kent.
O/T: The Kenny Everett Television Show - Sid Snot says ‘Hello dick-lickers...’.
R/M: Sweary Kenny Everett says Merry Christmas.
E/H: Merry Christmas ET.
E/H: Peter Davidson on set of Galloping Galaxies
O/T: Saturday Superstore - Tennis trailer.
E/H: Frank Bough - Sporting memory (Fifi from Fulham).
O/T: David Coleman being wired up.
O/T: Barry Davies - ‘You can piss off...’.
A/C: Horse ventriloquist.
A/C: Grand National.
E/H: Gorilla cameraman.
O/T: Rude ski-iers.
A/C: Various sports clips to ‘Route 66’.
A/C: Greatest Rugby Moment - Streaker.
E/H: Tit song - ‘We Need A Lift Up’.
A/C: Richard Stilgoe interviews streaker Erica Roe about her bra.
A/C: OTT - Woman’s tits surprise Chris Tarrant.
E/H: Dimbleby tits.
A/C: Sue Cook and Dave Lee Travis - 'Breast singer...'
O/T: Les Paterson talks to Michael Parkinson (Map of Tazmania)
O/T: Girl in audience tells dirty joke ('When I wanked myself this morning I shot the cat...')

Kevin’s New Job
(BBC, 1984; 60m)

Not a Christmas tape - more a training film, peppered with some amiable VT gags, including a reporter called St John O’Rooftop. Intent behind ethnic jokes ambiguous, but probably not malicious. Quite educational - includes a demonstration of Quantel and an early version of field-removed video. Great snapshot of the pre-digital hinterland.

The Central Christmas Promo
(ITV Central 1984; 11m)

E/H: Count-in clock
E/H & A/C: Clips of Indiana Jones films intercut with engineer (we later learn his name is Adrian) trying to get a pint from the Central TV bar. Rolling ball linked to ‘rolling’ pun.
O/T: Buggered up count-ins
O/T: Reporter - ‘I can’t get enough of it...’
O/T: Various clips cut to John Lennon’s ‘Nobody Told Me’ - ice skaters, falling backdrops, ballerinas, a man who cannot pull his blind down, swearing gnomes being hit by footballs, jockeys talking about giving their wives ‘a good humping’, Pauline Quirke comes in from the rain, Ronald Reagan on Spitting Image, Tuxedo arses, Emu, Man failing to jump into basket, Jimmy Greaves says fuck, Trivial Pursuit, Courtroom, Wartime boy upsets saucepan, Train crash, An inept door on The Price Is Right
O/T: Gordon Astley - ‘That’s what’s known as a balls-up...’
O/T: Trailer for The Fall Guy - announcer fluffs ‘cunning stunt’ innuendo
E/H: Ad parody - Ronco electric shocker
E/H: Ampex ad (Parody of hairspray ad)
A/C & E/H: Fighting crime - Shoot the bastards
A/C & E/H: ‘Blockbusters’ song (to ‘Ghostbusters’ tune), plus out-takes including famous ‘kuma satra’ clip
O/T: Two camp singers rehearse - one presumably a crew-member standing in
A/C: Karate report - General ineptitude
E/H: Montage of parties/strippers/well-wishers, etc

Untitled
(ITN, 1984; 11m)

A/C: Who Dares Wins - Notting Hill Carnival sketch
O/T: Angry dockworker vs Nice dockworker
A/C: Various mining-related clips to ‘You Don’t Get Me I’m Part Of The Union’
O/T: Arthur Scargill - Old woman says ‘I wish someone would shoot you...’
E/H: Sewing machine gag
E/H: Ampex satire - ‘With built in obsolescence...’
A/C: Haemorrhoed ointment ad
E/H: VPR Emergency Repair Kit (Idi Amin voice)
E/H: Hamlet cigar parody
A/C: Prostitute campaigner (with Monty Python ‘Stop The Film’ sketch)
A/C: Blondie ‘Call Me’ - Cut to various clips/Comedy credits
O/T: Man kneels before Thatcher
E/H: VT boys playing computer games

Christmas Promo
(TV-AM, 1984; 25m)

[Note: Out-takes in this case refer to off-air incidents, run-throughs, and fluffs during pre-recorded segments.]

E/H: Titles - ‘Roll VT now...’
E/H: Studio empty/Cut to pub - full of VT engineers
A/C: TV-AM titles
A/C: Skull intro
O/T: Newsreader fluff
O/T: Kevin the Gerbil with Lulu
A/C: John Virgo outro - scramble of cameras
A/C: Jimmy Greaves being miked up
O/T: Sheelagh Gilbey astrologer (Swears)
O/T: Rub-a-Dub-Dub trailer
O/T: Gilbey swears 2
A/C: Cucumber fun (Lynn Faulds Wood, etc)
O/T: Wincey Willis - ‘I don’t read those shitty papers...’
A/C: Spitting Image Thatcher
O/T: Reporter - Siege
E/H: Gordon Honeycombe asleep
A/C & E/H: ‘Talk about Lamb’ (Ad parody)
O/T: David Frost and Anna Ford - Fluffed trailer
A/C: Flat Swiss singers
A/C: Janet Brown impersonates Thatcher
O/T: Reporter - Siege 2
O/T: Parrot shits on Gordon Honeycombe
O/T: Shagging llamas
O/T: Reporter describes having a wank
O/T: Presenter on roof
E/H: Vox pops talking about TV-AM going off air
E/H: Unemployment figures/Thatcher
O/T: Arthur Scargill - ‘Ian McGregor has dropped another bollock...’
O/T & E/H: Gordon Honeycombe fluffs/Dress runs
E/H: Sanatogen ad parody
E/H: Fresh Step ad parody
E/H: Olympics PA joke
E/H: American Xmas tape spoof
E/H: ‘Hawley Crescent Blues’ (Hill Street Blues parody)
O/T: Reporter - Seige 3
O/T: Runaway pig
O/T: Reporter molests woman
R/M: Wincey Willis as fairy
O/T: Anne Diamond - Skirt blows up
O/T: Dudley Moore sings ‘Jump’

'Laugh - we nearly shat...'

A/C: Stock footage of Ethiopian famine

The Black Network
(ITV Thames, 1984; 15m)

E/H: NAFF countdown - Decepit clock
A/C: Thames logos x2
E/H: ‘In the beginning, God created television...’ (Titles)
E/H: Engineers’ dialogue
A/C: Monty Python ‘Sit On My Face’ - Stock film of bums, etc
O/T: Des O’Connor meets Miss Venezuela (Trips up / doesn't emerge)
E/H: VT engineer parody of above (Rubbish canned laughter)
O/T: Up The Elephant & Round The Castle - Jim Davidson fluff
O/T: Mike Yarwood as James Bond (‘Well fuck you then...’)
O/T: Gerry Marsden lorry knock / Irish joke
O/T: Roger de Corcey and Nookie Bear (dress run)
A/C: Mike Smith - Coconuts / Tit gag
O/T: Des O’Connor says balls
A/C: Sitcom - Woman rubs knee
E/H: Engineers cut to Benny Hill music (Hill appears as Fred Scuttle splicing tape)
O/T: Des O’Connor and Jim Davidson - Scargill vindaloo gag
O/T: Dancer falls
O/T: Jim Davidson drenched
O/T: Dog bites Des O’Connor / Joan Rivers interview ('Shit in a sack...')
R/M & E/H: Stuart Hall plays Derek & Clive-esque interviewee

O/T: Lionel Blair quiz show - Cannot open car
O/T: Mike Yarwood (‘Well fuck you, you motherfucker - I never wanted to do this shitty sketch anyway...’)
O/T: Royal Variety Show dress run - Tommy Boyd and Jim Davidson with Rainbow team (‘The fucking Garden of Eden...’)

O/T: Muddy cocks
E/H: ‘Da Do Ron Ron’ (Song about an engineer called Ron) / Credits
R/M: Tim Healy as ‘Dennis’ busts through Thames logo, Kenny Everett style (‘You should’ve made this at Tyne Tees, man...’)

E/H: Joke about viewers being asleep

Merry Christmas from Everyone in VTR
(ITV Central 1985, 18m)

A/C: Central logo
E/H: Captain Scarlet Spoof - ‘This is the voice of the management...’
A/C: Annette Badland - ‘I had a prick in me hand...’
A/C: MP requests no more flashframes
O/T: Man who cannot toss paper
O/T: Dried vicar
O/T: Miscued getaway van
A/C: Sci-fi / Eric Clapton
A/C: Rolls Royce drives backwards
A/C: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Stripper
O/T: Overacting exeunt (Door handle)
O/T: Unknown fluff
O/T: Newsreader says balls
E/H: Man by stile shows off jumper
O/T: School corridor (Camera crashes)
O/T: Woman with steam in ears
A/C: Shaw Taylor on Police 5
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Plaster fails to fall
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Exploding dimmer switch
E/H: Strippers
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Wayne and Neville in pub
O/T: Unknown drama - Fuzz/Ice cream van
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Bomber wins fruit machine
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Neville and Brenda in bed (‘Newcastle have just scored...’)
O/T: Auf Weideresehen Pet - Barry asks nurse about cat
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Dennis and the fly
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Barry tears trousers and carries toilet
O/T: The Price Is Right - Woman falls
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Kids in car
O/T: Sex
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - ‘Keep the glorious fuck’
O/T: Sex 2
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Dennis in phone box
O/T: Sex 3
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Dennis and television
A/C: Wet women
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Barry fluff
A/C: ZZ Top
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Oz takes photo/Stripper laughs/Group photo
E/H: ‘I’m Just a VTR Drop-Out’ (Song)
E/H: Line-up (Hugh, Pew, Barney McGrew)
O/T: Blockbusters - Various
E/H: Cameraman has piss
A/C: Blockbusters - Bob Holness explains mascot - More pissing camermen
A/C & E/H: Central News cut to Paul Hardcastle’s ‘19’ - Incredulous stripper, reporter in phonebox, more piss, Anna Soubry yells ‘You shites!’ to group of snowballing schoolboys
A/C: Man doing the splits - Reporter gets cramp
O/T: Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Dennis and Neville mime to Dolly Parton/Credits

Auf Wiedersehen Pet
(ITV Central, 1986; 15m)

All O/T from both series (but mainly the second) of Auf Wiedersehen Pet, originally broadcast Nov 1983/Feb 1984 and May/July 1986.

Beach titles/Topless women (‘That’s Living Alright’)
Barry rips his trousers/Carries toilet
Dennis puts shirt on wrongly
Oz and the Turk
Oz minces
Oz closes suitcase
Moxy in steam bath forgets line
Oz - ‘Shout cut, yer cunt!’
Backwards man at window
Dennis and Neville - Kids in car
Customs officer fluff
Barry - Nurse and cat
Inept limo
Dennis and the fly
Oz and barry (Mic in shot)
Farmer catches up with poachers
Keep the glorious fuck
Plaster fails to fall
Dennis in phonebox
‘I was just saying, Barry - I forgot my lines...’
Barry photo
Exploding dimmer switch
Wayne in pub
Group photo
Posh woman with dog
Barry fluffs
Neville and Brenda in bed (‘Newcastle have just scored...’)
Spanish man knocks table
Scotsmen put off by overhead jet
Oz falls off box
Woman in man’s face
Moxy friend fluffs
Oz greets Dennis with a hug
Barry’s fiance forgets line
Oz and Barry - Dog in street
Bomber and Wayne in car
Barry fluff
Dennis fluff
Barry Corpse
Neville and Dennis sing along to Dolly Parton
Oz in river
End titles (‘Back With The Boys Again’)

The 1987 VTR Christmas Tape
(ITV Central, 1987; 20m)

A/C & E/H: The Trap Door / Newsreader intro
R/M: The Price Is Right - Sketch (Assistants as contestants)
E/H: Ad parody (‘I’d like a new kind of VTR agreement...’)
E/H: Adrian the VT engineer - Overworked
A/C: The Firm - ‘Star Trekkin’ (Lip-synched to Star Trek clips)
O/T: Hardwicke House - Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson interrogate Kevin Allen

[NB: The above clip would have been from Show 3 of Hardwicke House.  Unfortunately the series was cancelled after Show 2 due to some sort of public outcry.]

O/T: Gary Wilmut as Dr Doolittle
O/T: Pet shop sketch - Kevin McNally and Gordon Kaye
O/T: Toss for rugby
O/T: Emu’s Pink Windmill Show - Pantomime horse
O/T: Garage door drama
O/T: Period drama - Car drives backwards
O/T: Emu’s Pink Windmill Show - Opening door/Grotbags/Rod’s poem
O/T: Costume drama - Halt hug
O/T: Drama - CB radio / Man in doorway
O/T: Hamming actor - ‘That’s what we call a mistake...’
O/T: Gary Wilmut - Farting door
O/T: Costume drama - Door
O/T: Edwardian telephone
O/T: Newsagent - ‘The usual, young lady?’
O/T: Umbrella man falls through door
O/T: Girl Guide bounces basketball
O/T: Girls On Top - Dawn French cannot remember song
O/T: Roy Kinnear - Comncerned that actress said shit
O/T: Your Mother Wouldn’t Like It - Christina Norris (Backdrop falls off)
A/C: Newsreader - Hyperdeemic nurdle
O/T: Refreshments for horses
O/T: Emu’s Pink Windmill Show - Grotbags dance
A/C & E/H: ‘I’m So Excited’ cut to general tits

The Done in a Hurry 92 Xmas Tape
(Central, 1992; 13m)

E/H: Comedy countdown
A/C: Old ATV Midlands logo
A/C: ‘This is Central’ promotional ident (Computer screen)
A/C & O/T: Various clips - Leslie Crowther nosepick, child cavemen, a baby biting a cat, and lots of sport
O/T: A Kind Of Living - Tim Healy tipped off sofa
O/T: Bullseye - ‘He’s pissing deaf...’
O/T: Palace Hill - schoolboy robot falls over.
A/C & O/T: More clips - Bullseye swears, man attacks news crew, camera falls down ski-slope, inept rain machine, etc
A/C: Newsreader - ‘The troubled airline Dan Dare...’
O/T: Bullseye - Rant / Wham!’s farewell conference
O/T: Phil Cool on stage as Rolf Harris - Beard falls off
O/T: Bob Monkhouse on The $64,000 Question - ‘Should you wish to piss...’ / Bob’s hair
O/T: Unknown quiz show - Man falls off chair
O/T: A Kind Of Living - ‘Mawns to low...’
O/T: Kids’ TV alien - Women fall over
O/T: Emu’s Pink Windmill Show - Grotbags’ whopping swapping smell
O/T: Kids’ TV alien sings about gonorrhea ('Don't know why / Every time I pee I cry...')
O/T: The Upper Hand - Honor Blackman awaits cue
O/T: Unknown sitcom - Caretaker fluffs line
O/T: The Upper Hand - Joe McCann: ‘She thinks I’m a terrific woman...’
O/T: The Upper Hand - Door
O/T: The Upper Hand - More bloody door mishaps x3
O/T: Blackboard tips up
O/T: Blockbusters - Orgasm
O/T: Wizard’s cauldron
R/M: Bimbos say Merry Christmas
R/M: Bruce Forsythe says merry Christmas
A/C: Central logo

The VTR Christams Tape 1996
(Central 1996; 17m)

E/H & A/C: Mission Impossible parody / Engineers speeded up
E/H: Crap animation
A/C & R/M: Custard pies/Various people say Merry Christmas
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s The Lift - ‘Good evening, I’ve forgotten my line...’
O/T: Loved By You - John Gordon Sinclair / ‘Fuck on the first date, you were gonna say...’
O/T: Can’t Cook Won’t Cook - Sonic noise/Ainsley Harriot’s rubbish ad libs
O/T: Chris Tarrant quiz show - Wonen puts her glasses on and realises she’s on telly
O/T: Outside Edge - Terrible wind (Note: On video)
O/T: Supermarket Sweep - Dale Winton / Firefighters
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s The Missing Page - In bed with Caroline Quentin/Lamp comes on by itself
O/T: Paul Ross quiz show - Calls anti-commercialism man a prick
O/T: Loved By You - Trevyn McDowell cannot open drawer
O/T: Ainsley Harriot - Nothing
O/T: Freddie Starr as Norman Wisdom/Wesrtern with unamused Paul Shane
O/T: Bullseye - Supersperm
O/T: Family seatbelt
O/T: Titles to untransmitted pilot of British version of Married With Children - Russ Abbot sticks money up dog’s arse
O/T: Nicky Campbell on Central Weekend dress run (Adrian Mills does wanker gestures in background)
O/T: Outside Edge - Timothy Spall gives spoon to Josie Lawrence (Note: On video)
O/T: The Upper Hand - Snooker
E/H: Home Viewer Game
O/T: Paul Ross - Rubbish fake tantrum
O/T: Fuck up butter
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s Sealed With A Loving Kiss - with Josie Lawrence (‘One of us’ll have to speak...’)
O/T: Montage of Paul Ross faces
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s The Missing Page - him and Quentin in bed (Gestures)
O/T: Chef tells fire to fuck off
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s Impasse - Stumbling man
O/T: Loved By You - Stress
O/T: The Upper Hand - More doors
A/C: Tits (to ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ by D-Ream)
E/H: VT arse
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpson’s The Lift - Writing on Peter Jones’ forehead
O/T: 70 & bollocks
O/T: Bullseye - Jim Bowen announcement
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpsons’ The Lift - Michael Fenton Steven’s agent
O/T: Paul Ross - Another fake tantrum
O/T: Paul Merton in Galton & Simpsons’ The Lift - Edit talk
O/T: Oscar James forgets lines
A/C: Man catches mobile phone
O/T: British Married With Children - Dog amuses

Scooby Doo and the Mystery of Stage V
(BBC, 1996; 6m)

Doctor Who - Edits of Evil
(BBC, 1996, 8m)

Live-action parodies using VT staff. Presumably inserts for a longer tape.

How to Succeed in Politics and Journalism
(BBC News, 1997; 16m)

A/C: Huw Edwards talks to Richard Branson - Scrambled message

Lesson 1: Don’t make a tit of yourself
O/T: Reporter calls Tony Blair ‘Tony Lloyd’
O/T: John Marshall MP in comedy red suit
A/C: Paul Welsh rehearses walk, unaware that he’s ‘on’
O/T: John Marshall MP 2
O/T: Austin Mitchell - Mouthful of apples
O/T: Paul Welsh - Computer aided design (Egregious script)
O/T: Wizard’s xylophone
A/C: Tom Collins and Victoria Bowls - Paxman says they’re behind reporter
O/T: John Marshall MP 3
A/C: William Horseley - Ad libs and fluffs everything

2. Try try again
O/T: John Major in Northern Ireland - Enterage pushes John Sopel out of way
O/T: John Sargent - Car parked in front of No.10
O/T: ?MP - ‘I’ve got to get this right...’
O/T: John Prescott swears
O/T: Gentleman’s Club fluff
O/T: John Sargent - ‘You moved the camera...’
O/T: John Sopel and John Major - Same thing happens
O/T: ?MP - ‘It’s not same, it’s similar...’
O/T: Prescott swears 2
O/T: Woman laughs
A/C: Kirsty Wark interviews Alan Clark (‘This is like The Day Today...’)
O/T: Unknown MP fluff
O/T: Prescott swears 3
O/T: Jon Sargent has another moan
O/T: John Sopel and John Major 3

3. Make friends with the press
O/T: Kenneth Clark and wife - Memorial service
O/T: Peter Mandelson walks out of interview
O/T: Tony Blair threatens Jeremy Vine
O/T: Mandelson strop 2
O/T: Ann Widdecombe - ‘I thought only amateurs did that...’
O/T: ?MP walks out of shot
O/T: Mandelson strop 3

Yeah, there he goes...

4. Win the election
A/C: Various election clips (Portillo, etc) cut to ‘Waterloo Sunset’
O/T: Woman says to Tory MP - ‘Please go away...’
O/T: Prescott in chip shop (‘I like chips...’)
A/C: Reporter says to David Blunkett ‘You can see and hear me alright there?’
O/T: John Sargent on professionalism

5. Always look your best
A/C: 70s Junior That’s Life - Little boy version of Cyril Fletcher (Sean Lay - presumably now a BBC journalist)

O/T: Kenneth Clark talks about his hair
A/C & E/H: ‘You’re Gorgeous’ (BBC staff mime badly)

William Hague being fey quite near some breasts

The London News Network Rulebook
(LNN, 1997; 23m)

A/C: Various clips to Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping’

1. Don’t panic
O/T: Parachute - Scared reporter
O/T: Owen Thomas - Emporer’s birthday
E/H: Vince Rogers says ‘Not yet’ to choir

2. When your viewng figures are low, order your staff to reproduce
E/H: Baby dances to LNN theme
E/H: ‘News desk to new sex change...’ (Engineer in drag)
O/T: Owen Thomas - Emperor’s birthday 2

3. If someone doesn’t wish to contribute to the programme, put Mike Grimes on the case
A/C: People leaving court to Benny Hill music
O/T: Sweary gangster gets into taxi
E/H: Choir members look at watch

4. Don’t turn up late to present the news, particulary when it’s the biggest story you’ll ever read
O/T: Paul Green - Rehearsal for Diana story (Putting on black tie)
E/H: Vince Rogers sings Elton John parody about engineer Andy Debrose - ‘Pissing In The Wind’
O/T: Woman reporter/Football hooligans
O/T: Policeman moves reporter
O/T: Edward Heath
O/T: Hooligans 2
O/T: Edward Heath picks his nose
O/T: Owen Thomas - Emperor’s birthday 3
E/H & O/T: Christmas Tape Gold - 1996 (Newsreader says ‘Keith Cunt...er, Hunt’)
O/T: Jonathan Ross ad baby - Awaits interview, says cunt

5. When in a tense sitution, be diplomatic
O/T: Reporter - I’m not that blind, and I’m not that stupid
O/T: Various hands on camera/Sweary policemen
E/H: Vince Rogers in dressing room
O/T: Reporter in Tring - Old woman says reporter looks very smart
O/T: Paedophile’s dog
E/H: Expectant choir
E/H & O/T: Cameraman says how much he loves his job (Various strops)
O/T: Owen Thomas - Emperor’s birthday 4

6. Safety is paramount
O/T: Reporter/Child crashes on bike
E/H: Vince Rogers sings ‘We Work For LNN’ song/Staff join in, then choir/Credits
O/T & E/H: Tank the giant tortoise/Love stories
O/T: Edward Heath looks at bogey