(The copy we viewed appears to be an early pilot-edit. Many of the links were evidently not finished and simply show a black screen with a temporary Chris Morris voiceover. There is no title-sequence and the furious, urgent graphics which punctuate Brass Eye are nowhere to be seen here. We'll annotate all differences as we go along. Anything which didn't make it to 'Animals' is highlighted in yellow.)

A LIBYAN NEWSCASTER IN MOUSTACHE AND FEZ (MORRIS) REPORTS ON A NIGHT-TIME FESTIVAL

CAPTION: 'WORLD FACTS AT NGHT, BLESSED ACTION CHANNEL'
(All captions throughout the pilot differ in design from the broadcast-edit)

CHRISTOPHER MORRIS (VO)
Libyan news footage from the Feast of Aed-Al-Adha, an outdoor celebration in which the men of Tripoli have a great time. But the same can not be said for their cattle. At the climax of the feast a cow is rounded up and driven into a metal tube. A tube which is charged with explosives.

EXPLOSION - WE SEE THE COW PROPELLED THROUGH THE AIR, MOOING. THE FESTIVAL-GOERS GO CRAZY AND ATTACK THE REMAINS.

The cow is then fired through the air and lands in a crunched-up bone-heap. Running men then clobber any life out of it with their fists and feet and sticks. The body is dragged about and then left for the dogs and jackals. And possibly scorpions if they eat meat, I don't know.

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN.

CAPTION: 'CHRISTOPHER MORRIS'

Tonight on Torque tv^TM we ask how should animals be treated. Are we too nice or too nasty?

OLD B/W FOOTAGE OF A LION SHARING A BED WITH A MARRIED COUPLE

CAPTION: 'AMERICAN FIFTIES EXPERIMENT, America, 1950s'

Over the centuries man's relationship with animals has been complex.

EGYPTIAN GRAPHICS DEPICTING CATS

In ancient Egypt felines were worshiped because the Egyptians thought they were funny. Many of today's familiar relics are monuments to cats. These huge cat heads were built underground and seen by no-one.

GRAPHIC DEPICTING THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT AS BEING CAT EARS ON A MUCH LARGER UNDERGROUND SCULPTURE

Europe too has its animal traditions. In Saragosa the streets still get crazy with the annual Running Of The Wasp.

FOOTAGE OF SPANISH CARNIVAL. PEOPLE RUSHING DOWN THE STREETS DURING 'RUNNING-OF-THE-BULLS'. BUT WITH NO BULLS IN SIGHT

ARCHIVE B/W FOOTAGE OF DOGS. ONE IS PETTED BY A MAN. ONE WEARS A DRESS AND WALKS ON HIND LEGS

CAPTION: '© BRITISH DOG ARCHIVE'

In Britain in the last century it was quite acceptable for a young gentleman to lose his virginity to one of London's many whore-dogs. Dickens and Prince Albert both boasted of their experience.

EXT. SHOTS OF PARLIAMENT, SOFT FOCUS SHOT OF A CIVIL SERVANT WALKING ALONG THE STREET.

Today, animals are used more discretely as a vital lubricant in the wheels of government.

FOSTER PANN, A TIMID CIVIL SERVANT, IS INTERVIEWED BY THE THAMES. VARIOUS INTERVIEW SNIPPETS JOINED TOGETHER WITH SOFT EDITING

FOSTER PANN (MORRIS)
It was my job for thirteen years to procure wild beasts for the, er, Houses of Parliament. I had to get bats, gibbons...

MORRIS (VO)
Ex civil-servant Foster Pann told us about buying animals for politicians.
(Alternate line to broadcast-edit)

CAPTION: 'FOSTER PANN, PERM. SEC. FOR BEAST PROCUREMENT 1977 - 95'

FOSTER PANN
Michael Heseltine finds it very useful, erm, if he's angry, to have an ape to slap. Kenneth Clarke has a baby moose in a cupboard...

OVERHEAD SECURITY FOOTAGE SHOWING A ZEBRA WALKING THROUGH AN OFFICE WITH PAPERS ATTACHED TO ITS SIDE

CAPTION: 'WESTMINSTER SECURITY CAMERAS'

MORRIS
The most commonly-used animals are zeberas (sic), hurrying between offices with documents pinned to their bodies.

FOSTER PANN
Tony Benn had a tapir in the 70s that he used to send messages on round Whitehall. Rude messages to the Lords, I always remember, he used to pin to the head of the tapir, heh heh heh.

SHOT OF WESTMINSTER

FOSTER PANN
Most of it was great fun and I enjoyed the job. The only real difficulty I had was, er, trying to haul a basking shark up the Thames for Jack Ashley but it didn't really work out. It died after about three days of being tethered to the terrace. And Jack was quite unpopular after that for a while.
(This last section is a different take to the broadcast-edit.)

MORRIS WALKING DOWN AN EAST-END STREET

MORRIS
So much for the fat brass of Westminster but this East London boozer knows all about animal abuse...

MORRIS HITS THE BACK GATE VIOLENTLY. WE HEAR BARKING DOGS
(Much quieter dog FX than on the broadcast-edit!)

MORRIS
...because here, every week, beer-users gather to watch large men fight with weasels.

SHOT OF DEAD WEASEL THROWN TO THE GROUND

UNDERCOVER FOOTAGE OF WEASEL FIGHT

CAPTION: 'HIDDEN CAMERA PLACED IN UNDERCOVER WEAZEL (SIC) FIGHT PUNTER'S PLASTI-CANVAS SHOULDER BAG (WORN OVER RIGHT SHOULDER)'

BERNARD LERRING (MORRIS VO)
There's normally about forty... forty men in a room, standing round in a room. And a bag above your head. Somebody pulls a string and the weasels cascade down onto you and you've got as short a time as possible to, er, dispatch them all. I've seen a man die, weasel-fighting.

LERRING BEING INTERVIEWED IN A PUB

BERNARD LERRING
When you're fighting a weasel he's bigger than a man.

LERRING DRIVING A CAR DOWN THE STREET WITH THE CAR RADIO ON
(Different music to the broadcast-edit. Also lacking the car screeching FX)

LERRING (VO)
And there is money in it. If you're good. There's other perks as well. The women. They fancy you if they see you kicking the shit out of a weasel.

LERRING GETS OUT OF HIS CAR, WALKS INTO A PUB AND MAKES 'HEY HEY' GESTURES AT THE LOCAL TALENT.

MORRIS
After thirty years in which he pulped over four thousand weasels, Bernard Lerring suffered a compound nervous breakdown.

CAPTION: 'BERNARD LERRING, FORMER WEASEL FIGHTER'

LERRING
I lost it. And, er, I just picked up a living doing otters, which are very easy - very docile animals, and erm, even when they pump them full of rat-hormones, which they do, you could kill an otter in about a second. Just kick its face off.

SHOTS OF FOX HUNTING

MORRIS (VO)
There are many legal sports which kill animals too.

FARMING LAIRD, PATRICK DA FRANK INTERVIEWED IN A FIELD
(Renamed 'Patrick Da Fronk' for the broadcast-edit)

CAPTION: 'PATRICK DA FRANK, MASTER OF HOUNDS, BLESNEY HUNT'

FRANK (MORRIS)
...I think the thing that... that people... get fussed about is that a fox is... is a small brown furry animal, very much like a dog. Erm, I don't think they'd be nearly so worried if it was a little four-legged car... full of chips.

NEWS GRAPHIC DEMONSTRATES THE FOLLOWING:
(Both graphic and voiceover different to broadcast-edit.)

MORRIS (VO)
The evil in our relationship remains a paradox. If you plot 'number of animals abused' against 'what makes people cruel' versus 'intelligence of either party', the pattern is so unreadable you might as well draw in a chain of fox-heads on sticks. And when you do that an interesting thing happens. The word 'cruel' starts flashing. So is fox-hunting cruel?

FRANK
Saboteurs spend an awful lot of time complaining about fox-hunting, but what about when they're not complaining?
(De Frank/Fronk's line about the fox being "made of string" does not appear in the pilot-edit)

STOCK FOOTAGE OF SABOTEURS ATTACKING A HUNT

MORRIS (VO)
And what about the saboteurs? They get a great day out - look at them - and in many cases a life out of the death of a fox. Is that fair?

DA FRANK WITH A FOX TAIL IN HIS MOUTH DEMONSTRATING HOW A HOUND SAVAGES A FOX

MORRIS (VO)
Are we too cruel?

FRANK
Like that.

BRAZILIAN TV GRAPHICS WITH SATELLITE SNOW AND INTERFERENCE. GRAPHIC IN CORNER READS 'GLOBO TV'. WOMAN INTRODUCES SHOW.

MORRIS (VO)
Brazil's top TV show features nothing but four hours of dying animals.

IN CIRCULAR INSET DECORATED BY HALF-NUDE WOMEN, A HUNTER SHOOTS AN ELEPHANT. CUT TO APPLAUDING CROWD

CAPTION: 'ANIMAOS MORTOS, GLOBO TV, 9am, 2pm, and 10pm DAILY'

MORRIS (VO)
Should Attenborough be on the box, describing his new machine for pulling birds to pieces?

CLIP OF DAVID ATTENBOURGH TELLING AN AMUSING ANECDOTE ON THE CLIVE JAMES SHOW

CAPTION: 'DAVID ATTENBOROUGH ON A CLIVE JAMES SHOW'.

ATTENBOROUGH
They go in one end, they come out the other end very fast. The bird then has to make three hops. Hop, hop, hop, and it's (MAKES CRUNCHING SOUND) before it actually breaks... (AUDIENCE LAUGH, CLIVE GRINS)

FOOTAGE OF A COACH DRIVING THROUGH A DESERT

MORRIS (VO)
Or are we too nice? This is a busload of flies being sent on holiday to Africa. They'll enjoy Somalia. But should they?

FOOTAGE OF COWS BEING HERDED TOWARDS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

In this slaughterhouse, telephones have been installed for last-minute reprieves. (SHOT OF COW NEXT TO TELEPHONE) But isn't that just prolonging the agony?

MORRIS IN A HOSPITAL SET NEXT TO A DYING WOMAN AND A DOG. HE HOLDS A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE

MORRIS
You can do euthanasia on a dog, but this old woman? I'd be sent to prison. Where's the justice in that?

MORRIS STICKS THE NEEDLE INTO THE DOG'S SKULL

MORRIS (VO)
Can it possibly be right for gene-men to play with DNA?

GENETIC SCIENTIST HOLDING A HALF-CAT, HALF-ROOSTER HYBRID

CAPTION: 'DR FREESTUS CUBBS, RANDOM DNA FUSION EXPERIMENTER'

CUBBS
This one, erm, survived a couple of days and then just keeled over and died.

LONG-SHOT OF A MAN CHASING A CHICKEN UP A PATH

MORRIS
Is this wrong?

MORRIS WALKS PAST A MAN IN A BALACLAVA POINTING A MACHINE GUN AT A PIG STY

MORRIS
How on earth can you justify this.

MAN FIRES MACHINE GUN, PIGS SQUEAL.

MORRIS AT SOMEONE'S FRONT DOOR

MORRIS
And has anybody ever come up with a reasonable argument (KNOCKS DOOR) for this.

DOOR OPENS. AN ODD-LOOKING MAN, WITH A SQUEAKING MOUSE STICKING OUT OF HIS FLY, EMERGES LOOKING CONFUSED

CLOSE-UP OF MORRIS' FACE

MORRIS
That's the agenda. The truth? (GRINS) Let's befriend-a. She's called Carla Lane. And she's talking to David Jatt.

PULLS BACK TO REVEAL MORRIS' HEAD MOUNTED ON A WALL ALONG WITH OTHER ANIMALS

STUDIO INTERVIEW SET. DAVID JATT INTERVIEWS CARLA LANE. EACH HAS THEIR NAME AS A SIGN ABOVE THEIR HEADS WITH AN ARROW POINTING DOWNWARDS. IN FRONT OF THEM IS A CIRCULAR TABLE WHICH HOUSES A FLIP-UP TWO-TONE GRAPHIC READING 'RIGHT' / 'WRONG' AND A SPINNABLE ARROW.

CARLA LANE
I saw something in the paper this morning, waiting... um, a bulldog mauled a girl We don't want that...

DAVID JATT (MORRIS)
No.

LANE
But... when we read on...

JATT
We wouldn't want a girl to maul a bulldog either.

LANE
No. And... but when you read on, you learn that some boys threw the bulldog into the garden to... to get a fight together.

JATT
Yep.

LANE
Now the bulldog was put down, but nobody said 'what did they do to the bulldog before they put it in the garden...'

JATT
They take the tail, they wind it up like that, (DEMONSTRATES WITH PEN) they crank it, they tweak its central nervous system and it goes like a bloody rocket.

LANE
Yes.

JATT
And the fact is...

LANE
But they put it down. No fault...

JATT
Yes of course! Now they put the dog down... what would you like to see to happen to the people that wound up its tail and fired it off like some elastic-powered...

LANE
There are no words to describe... Prison's not good enough...

JATT
No.

LANE
...because prisons become bed and breakfast and telly.

JATT
Prison's too good.

LANE
Um...

JATT
What about jail?

LANE
Perhaps they ought to be...

JATT
They should have their coxycs twisted. That'd sort them out.

LANE
Yes. And now people are going to say...

JATT
Can I just say... This, which has been prepared by the news graphic people...

JATT HOLDS UP NONSENSE PIE-CHART SEPERATED INTO 'HOPE', 'FEAR', 'PROTECTION', 'ANIMAL PERCEPTION OF EVENTS' AND A LARGE PINK JUTTING-OUT SECTION READING 'HUMAN VERSION OF EVENTS'

...represents what's going on in some way. Is that the sort of thing that you would agree with?

CARLA LANE PONDERS OVER CHART

LANE
'Human version of...' Yes. I think so. Because, um, I've been twenty years...

JATT
I bet.

LANE
...going to the ministers, and they're finding out what man does.

JATT
Yep.

LANE
Not only to calves and sheep... To everything. Frogs legs, they're onto...

JATT
Weasel-fighting in the East-end?

LANE
Everything.

JATT
I meaning pulling live weasels out of the wild and making them fight a man.

LANE
Oohh. And they do have endearing, wonderful habits, animals. I had two guinea pigs and they were both eleven years old...

JATT
Jesus...

LANE
...and one died...

JATT
Yeah.

LANE
...and do you know, just before it died it washed its little face.

JATT
From what you're saying, have we got it right or wrong? So far.

LANE
What, people?

JATT
People.

LANE
Wrong!

JATT TURNS ARROW ON THE TABLE GRAPHIC TO POINT TOWARDS 'WRONG'. CAMERA CRASH-ZOOMS ONTO IT

A hundred million times. People - wrong!

JATT PUSHES THE ARROW AROUND TO A VAGUELY NEUTRAL POSITION, THEN TO 'RIGHT'

JATT
What chance of getting...here...let alone...here...

LANE
Oh dear. Not much.

JATT
Here?

LANE
Never in my lifetime or yours.

JATT
Just watch this then. We're trying this and there's a tension... JATT PRETENDS TO HAVE PROBLEMS TURNING THE NEEDLE and it's just gonna go back like that.

LANE
I think so.

FADE TO BLACK

MORRIS (VO)
This is a cow. (PAUSE) It takes a very special sickness to do something like that. Ted Maul reports.

LONG SHOT OF COW FIELD. TED MAUL CAN BE SEEN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

CAPTION: 'TED MAUL, IS STARTING A REPORT'

TED MAUL
Arable Wiltshire. A peaceful country haven supporting rural life like something out of a cheese ad. It doesn't look troubled...

RIDICULOUS CRASH-ZOOM TO CLOSE UP OF MAUL
(The opening dialogue and zoom were redubbed/tidied up for the broadcast edit)

MAUL
...but it is. At least for one of these cows...

SHOT OF A BUNCH OF COWS

...thanks to money, this (BRANDISHES PAINT CAN), and a human mind as bent as a bad hedge.

MAUL SPRAYS RED PAINT AT THE CAMERA

RED-TINTED FOOTAGE OF A COW

Six months ago life for a cow at Park Farm was pretty much like this.

MAUL WALKING CASUALLY PAST CAMERA

MAUL
Nothing much going on here..

MAUL (VO)
But last June out of nowhere anti-cow slogans started appearing on the sheds.

SHOT OF GRAFFITI READING "COWE GONNA BE CHOPPS".

SHOT OF GRAFFITI SHOWING CRUDE DRAWING OF A COW ABOUT TO BE HIT BY A TRAIN WITH THE WORDS "DON'T LOOK OUT, COW"

The text specifically designed to undermine the cow's confidence.

SHOT OF LOCAL NEWSPAPER - 'THE MARLSBOROUGH HAMPER' - SLAMMED DOWN.

SHOT OF HEADLINE: "COW SPRAY BEAST - WHO? WHY? - AWFUL" - BY BROMP CARLISLE

Local press caught a whiff of a weird one when the vandal shot his paint directly at the cow...

PAN DOWN TO PICTURE OF A COW WITH 'TWAT' WRITTEN ON IT

...in the form of words like 'twat', and later 'fucknut' and 'arsecandle'...

CLOSE-UP OF NEWSPAPER PARAGRAPH WITH THOSE WORDS ASTERISKED OUT. SHAKY SHOT OF COW.

...as the campaign plunged into overdrive.

FARMER WITH POSH VOICE BEING INTERVIEWED

FARMER (IAN GELDER)
He tied skis - snow skis...

MAUL (VO)
Unbelievably he attached the cow to skis and shoved it down a hill.

CAPTION: 'RUPERT FRIPP, MIXED FARMER'

FARMER
...really hard because I found it at the bottom of the field - it had gone through the hedge and straight into an old man's tennis match.

MAUL (VO)
Next came a wave of sick attachments. Cow attached to filing cabinet. Cow attached to mini-engine in a shopping trolley.

SHOTS ILLUSTRATING THE ABOVE

MAUL IN DARKENED OFFICE TALKING ON THE PHONE

What sort of mind would do this? We contacted a huge bank of psychiatrists in the States. They told us "The guy's a homo!"

MAUL PUTS PHONE NEXT TO MIC

AMERICAN TELEPHONE VOICE
...almost definitely homosexual.

NIGHT. SHOTS OF THE VANDAL (MARK HEAP) TALKING TO A HEADPHONES-WEARING COW VIA A MICROPHONE.

MAUL (VO)
Then, a breakthrough. The vandal was caught on camera...

WE HEAR THE VANDAL SAYING "YOU AINT GOT NO KNICKERS HAVE YOU?"

CAPTION: 'FARMER'S SON'S HANDICAM FOOTAGE (FROM A WINDOW)'

This farmer's son's handicam footage shows him at work.

VANDAL WHISPERS "GO ON, FUCK OFF..."

...whispering inept insults down a wire straight into the cow's head.

VANDAL SAYS "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ELECTRICITY IS DO YOU? IT'S LITTLE PLANETS IN THE WIRE ISN'T IT." CONTINUES UNDER WITH "PUSH OFF MY WIRE", "TOSSARSE", ETC

STILL OF THE VANDAL, FOOTAGE OF A CARAVAN

The man was Simon Hotrin, known locally as 'Chob'. He does odd jobs and lives in a field. But that night Chob had discovered a bad new hobby...

COW TAUNTING CONTINUES: "IDIOT! FUCKING IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT...STUPID...STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!"

SHOT OF POLICE VAN

It seemed the resulting court action would be an open and shut case. But it wasn't. As these pics from the BBC's Western region show.

REGIONAL NEWS PROGRAMME CALLED 'YOUR BIG WEST' ANCHORMAN WITH OVERLY-ACTIVE MOUTH INTRODUCES REPORT.

ANCHORMAN (MORRIS)
...but walked free on a technicality.

PICTURE INSET COVERS TOP HALF OF ANCHORMAN'S FACE THEN FILLS THE SCREEN

THE VANDAL EMERGES FROM THE COURTROOM AND IS SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY A MAN IN A COWSUIT WHO THEN RUNS AWAY

MAUL (VO)
Local feeling ran high. One activist got so angry he donned a cow suit and lamped Hotrin right outside the court. Wow, he chopped him in the gob. And he's legged it. Great running!

MAUL APPROACHES THE VANDAL'S CARAVAN AND CONFRONTS HIM

He may have been free but Chob owed the world an explanation.

VANDAL
Roit, you. Oi'm gonna muck your lens, right? You gay sod.

SLAMS DOOR. MAUL LOOKS VAGUELY HURT

MAUL (VO)
Hotrin prevented himself from giving us a real interview but during our visit we gleaned some vital clues from some documents we nicked through an open window.

WINDOW OF CARAVAN. RIDICULOUS OVERLAID ANIMATED LABELS SHOW HOW THE DOCUMENTS WERE NICKED - HIGHLIGHTING 'WINDOW', 'HAND', 'DOCUMENTS', 'PATH OF HAND' AND ALSO THE 'LABELS' THEMSELVES

MAUL STANDING IN THE FIELD AGAIN BRANDISHING PAPERS

MAUL
These docs show that Hotrin had been driven nuts because the land on which he lives is owned by the cow. In the will of Edith Bates, (ZOOM ON FRAMED PHOTO OF OLD LADY) a local crone who loved cattle, then eccentric, now dead (SHOT OF GRAVEDIGGER) the cow inherited the land and a special bank account for stockpiling rent.

SHOTS OF THE COW. SHOTS OF MORE GRAFFITI - "THE COW DONE MY POCKITS", "FALL DEAD COW I HOPE", "STAB STUMMOK (COW)", "JAM STUF IN THE COW'S TWAT"

MAUL (VO)
Meanwhile for the beast, which knows nothing of money or bitter mankind, life has become a living cow-mare thanks to the thoughtless beneficence of a mad old woman.

SHAKY SHOT OF COW, CRASH ZOOM OF OLD WOMAN

ANIMATED GRAPHIC WITH PICTURES OF DOGS AND CAPTIONS DEPICTING THE FOLLOWING:

VOICEOVER (JO UNWIN)
In 1903 anti-fouling scientists in Kent succeeded in breeding a dog with no anus. It died of a blockage.

INERVIEW SET AGAIN. DAVID JATT IS NOW INTERVIEWING PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE

CAPTION: 'SIR PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE, EX-EDITOR OF THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH TALKS WITH DAVID JATT'

JATT
Is it right for people to breed animals for their own wishes?

WORSTHORNE
I basically think it is...

JATT
Even if they're small sort-of baby hippo things for cleaning up things under the sink?

PAUSE WHILE WORSTHORNE CONSIDERS THIS

WORSTHORNE
Well. I think...

JATT
Is that right?

WORSTHORNE
I wouldn't want a hippo to be cleaning up underneath my sink.

JATT
Or a sloth, whi...which hung underneath the pipes

WORSTHORNE
Abso...I've no difficulty in... in er...

JATT
In a sloth underneath the pipes or...

WORSTHORNE
...in breeding, er, animals to serve human beings.

JATT
So this sloth would not mind if it had a domestic function?

WORSTHORNE
I'm...I'm...I'm..I'm not in... obviously an authority on the sensibilities of sloths but I would have thought the...

JATT
The sloth or the hippo would be... slaves.

WORSTHORNE
Well...I, I just don't see how you can er...erm... My dogs, if you like, are my slaves.

JATT
Can I just say, they're probably sub-slaves because a 'slave' can be given its freedom. But you can't do that to a dog or a sloth orrrrr...

WORSTHORNE
So... That is why these... This is why it seems to me a meaningless concept to talk about, slavery...

JATT
What, sub-slavery?

WORSTHORNE
Or sub-slave... okay. They are not humans, for God's sake.

JATT
Well, they've been selected. At least you've selected a dog as a slave, rather than a chicken.

WORSTHORNE
But you'd... I would, er...

JATT
Because a dog has a certain value to you

WORSTHORNE
This is a conversation...

JATT
Yes.
(For the broadcast-edit this last exchange was snipped out and used as the closer of the 'wasp-sting' Worsthorne segment later in the show)

EXT. JATT INTERVIEWS OLIVER SKEETE ON A PARK BENCH'
(The pilot edit doesn't feature the introductory VT where they meet and sit on the bench.)

JATT
Is it because they don't have legs that makes spherical cows so bad or is it because that there's some kind of cruelty involved, I mean what, what what what what what..?

SKEETE
Actua...I'm not entirely sure what they do to the cows, right?

JATT
Well they breed them in a particular direction, interfere with their genes so they're just a big ball of meat.

CAPTION: 'OLIVER SKEET (SIC), FAMOUS SHOWJUMPER'

SKEETE
No, well, you see, I... I wouldn't like to eat that. Definitely. If I knew I was eating that I would... I would go absolutely mad. It's like somebody putting, I don't know, a bit of snot of a bit of bread and giving it to you to take...

JATT
Really? That sort of thing?

SKEETE
Yeah!

JATT
Somebody's in a restaurant - I'll give you a scenario, right. Somebody out there (INDICATES CAMERA. And they get a piece of spherical cow on their plate - what do they do?

SKEETE
They just eat it don't they!

JATT
Yeah, but what should they do, for God's sake, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

SKEETE
Well what they should do really is make a stink about it. They should start phoning people and start complaining about, y'know, the meat that they're eating.

JATT
'This... this came from a spherical cow - how dare you sell this to me'.

SKEETE
Of course

GRAPHIC: TWO VIEWS OF DOG WITH BREAST FACE LABELLED 'FRONT VIEW' AND 'SIDE VIEW'

VOICEOVER (JO UNWIN)
In 1898, the French crossed a dog with a human breast for human soldiers to feel as they sat crippled in chairs. Feverish over-fondling of this feature produced the sharpei we know today.

BREAST GRAPHIC MORPHS INTO SHARPEI FACE

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
Sometimes the awfulness is so great you forget your own pants. But earlier this year two men brought us a moment of relief

MIKE FOX AND ANDREW DEAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

Mike Fox and Andrew Dean. These men hate zoos.
(The opening voiceover to this piece was re-recorded for the broadcast-edit)

MIKE AND ANDREW IN OFFICE; SHOTS OF WOFDCAP PLAQUE, LETTERHEADS, ETC

Together they run the World Organisation For Decreasing Captive Animal Problems - WOFDCAP - which incorporates AAAAAAAZ - Against Animal Anger And Autocausal Abuse Atrocities in Zoos.

VARIOUS SHOTS OF ANDREW SHOWING MIKE A FAX, NEWSPAPER REPORTS, FEVERISH PHONING, ETC

Two weeks ago they read about 'Karla', and East-German elephant who'd been so upset about captivity she'd stuck her trunk in her anus. In seconds a campaign was born. Press-releases flew out like fishspawn and Fox and Dean hammered the phones...

WRITING BOARD WITH TWO COLUMNS - ONE HEADED 'OUR PEOPLE' - GARY WILMOT, ALAN TICHMARSH, SIMON MAYO, MARTIN AMIS, SARAH GREENE, JILLY COOPER. THE OTHER HEADED 'DO NOT CONTACT, NOEL EDMONDS (UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES)', 'DREW', 'KEEP TRYING: CHRISTOPHER REEVE [FOREAEAIS]'

ARCHER SEC ON PHONE
Hello, Jeffrey Archer's office.

MORRIS (VO)
...targeting B-list celebrities...

BERNARD INGHAM ON PHONE
Hello?

MIKE FOX
Hello, is that Mr Ingham?

INGHAM
Speaking...

MORRIS (VO)
...and asking them to help

BAYWATCH SEC ON PHONE
Good morning. Baywatch.

MORRIS (VO)
...by contributing to a special video...

WINNER SECRETARY
Michael Winner's office

FOX
Hello, is Michael Winner there?

MORRIS (VO)
...that would raise awareness of Karla's plight...

ANOTHER WRITING BOARD, UPON WHICH IS WRITTEN:

NEW SLOGAN BOARD
STOP A-ZOO-IN
DOWN WITH ZOOS (Yeah, like it Foxy!)
I (HEART) CREATURES
GOD LOVES SHREWS TOO

FOX
...lodged in its anus.

BAYWATCH PERSONAGE
(SPELLING) A-N-I-S?

MORRIS (VO)
And tell the world about 'Zoochosis'...

(unintelligible exchange)

MORRIS (VO)
...the disease that drives zoo animals nuts.

MORRIS INTERVIEWING NIGEL BENN OUTSIDE

The big-hearted famous were quick to jump. Nigel Benn was the first video 'ele-fan'

NIGEL BENN (TO CAMERA)
A psychotic chimp...exposed briefly to violent film (sic) will blow its own brains out with a pistol left lying around in its cage. Help us stop this bloody awful suffering now! Excuse the language but it is just bloody awful. Help us now. Please.

SHOTS OF EXTERIOR OF BUILDING AT NIGHT. ONE WINDOW SHOWS LIGHT ON. INTERCUT WITH FOX MAKING CALL LATE AT NIGHT

PHONE DIAL

MARTIN AMIS ON PHONE
Hello?

FOX
Hello, is Martin Amis there please?

AMIS
Speaking.

FOX
It's Mike Fox from WOFDCAP.

AMIS
Oh yes.

FOX
We're trying to save the life of an elephant in an East German zoo. Its trunk has become wedged in its digestive tract.

AMIS
(LEVELLY) Oh my God.

FOX
...and, well, she's just rolling around like a big grey ball...

AMIS
(SIGHS)

FOX
...and, um, I wondered if you might be able to help at all.

STOCK, SLOWED-DOWN FOOTAGE OF MARTIN AMIS

CAPTION: 'THE VOICE OF MARTIN AMIS'

AMIS
Um...well, I mean I would happily sign anything or contribute or...

FOX
Could we fax you something to, er, sign and fax back?

AMIS
Sure.

SHOTS OF WOFDCAP FAX WITH THE PLEA: "HELP US PULL KARLA'S TRUNK OUT OF HER ANUS", UNDERNEATH WHICH WE SEE A HANDWRITTEN MESSAGE "ALL POWER TO YOU. MARTIN AMIS".

FOX
Well, if you could wish us all luck on the campaign that would be great.

AMIS
I will. I do.

FOX
Okay.

AMIS
Okay. Thanks a lot.

FOX
Thanks a lot. Bye

SHOT OF COFFEE MUG WITH DESIGN BASED ON MARTIN AMIS' FAX

MORRIS (VO)
The campaign began to rip

VARIOUS SHOTS OF MIKE FOX HANDING OUT LEAFLETS TO PASSERS-BY IN A HIGH STREET

FOX
'Scues me, sir. Elephant's gonna die, sir. Could you read about it. Pass it on to your friends. Oh, thanks, er, very much.

Elephant's gonna die, sir. Could you read about it? Thank you.

MAN IN STREET
My wife will be very upset with them.

FOX
Could you show that to your wife and comfort her at the same time?

MAN IN STREET
Yes.

WOFDCAP OFFICE. FOX DIALS NUMBER HAPHAZARDLY

MORRIS (VO)
Jilly Cooper was busy writing a book...

JILLY COOPER ON PHONE
Hello?

FOX
Hello, has Jilly come out of her shed?

COOPER
Yes, speaking.

MORRIS (VO)
But Fox persuaded her to send a drawing of Karla in her plight.

SHOT OF FAX EMERGING WITH A DRAWING OF KARLA AND THE MESSAGE "PLEASE FREE POOR KARLA FROM THIS FIENDISH HELL-HOLE - JILLY COOPER"

FOX
Thank you very much for your picture.

COOPER
Awwww.

FOX
And we showed it to Karla...

COOPER
Ohhhh...

SLOWED-DOWN FOOTAGE OF JILLY COOPER

CAPTION: 'VOICE OF JILLYCOOPER'

FOX
...and I think she gave a little elephant smile.

COOPER
Ohhh, I love that. I want to cry. That's sweet!

FOX
The zoo is, y'know, still not acknowledging the problems.

COOPER
They are bastards, right...

FOX
But she could be accommodated by Jimmy Paige.

SLOWED-DOWN FOOTAGE OF JILLY COOPER IN HER STUDY TYPING

COOPER
Absolutely, I mean, er, it's only 'cos I...this..it's a terrible year for me because I'm doing this bloody book...

FOX
Ohh, bloody book!

COOPER
Oh, duck, I'm very...you've made me very happy!

FOX
Okay, Jilly.

COOPER
Okay, darling, nice to talk to you. Bye.

FOX
Bye.

SHOT OF JILLY COOPER'S DRAWING PRINTED ON A T-SHIRT

MORRIS
Her response was overwhelming. With Jilly's drawing on her shirt, Britt Eckland told the world about WOFDCAP.

ECKLAND, WEARING THE T-SHIRT, READS FROM A CLIPBOARD

ECKLAND
Last year they stopped penguins catapulting each other through the glasshouse at Sydney zoo. Last month they stopped a pig throwing itself out of a tree onto a python in a two-way death-pact in Chester. Now they want to help Karla. An East-German elephant who has got her trunk jammed up her own guts.

ECKLAND TURNS AROUND TO DISPLAY BACK OF SHIRT, UPON WHICH ARE THE WORDS "HER TRUNK IS PLUGGED WITH DUNG (FROM HER ANUS). IT'S ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING"

MORRIS (VO)
And she made no secret of her feelings about the one man who wasn't helping Karla.

FOX (OFF CAMERA)
The only person who hasn't helped us out is Noel Edmonds. He wants to spend money to try and keep Karla in that state because he wants to use her on a show!

ECKLAND
She'd get sympathy and audience-ratings then maybe he's gonna save the young elephant...

PAUL DANIELS AT A TABLE

DANIELS
I can't understand the mentality or the physical make-up, mental make-up of anybody that lets an elephant get into that condition.

MORRIS (VO)
Paul Daniels' contribution moved all who saw it to horrible tears.

DANIELS (TO CAMERA) Karla the elephant is currently curled up in a kind of a grey ball. Her trunk is actually stuck up her anus and they're not trying to help her. So we must.

CUT. DANIELS TALKING TO DIRECTOR / MORRIS

I'll give you another one that you can cut in later. I'll just say that...and you can cut it in lat... Yeah, go... go to the elephant, go to somewhere else, alright, and... Still rolling?

PAUSE. DANIELS TURNS TO CAMERA AGAIN

Come on. Help us get that trunk out!

SHOT OF WINDOW AT NIGHT AGAIN

PHONE DIALLING

MORRIS (VO)
But part two of this documentary could spell trouble for Karla and WOFDCAP.

PHONE VOICE
Good morning, Maidstone Prison?

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
And that particularly concerns me as I haven't seen the second half of that item myself. Is there an upside in all this? Laurie-Lee Zappa checks out some signs of hope.

UPLIFTING FANFARE MUSIC, CAPTION WITH THE WORDS 'SIGNS OF HOPE', 'LIVING IN HARMONY', 'MAN AND ANIMALS' AND PHOTOS OF PEOPLE INTERACTING WITH ANIMALS (INC. JEFF KOONS PIG SHOT). ANIMATED DOVE-OF-PIECE BRINGS ON THE FIRST INSERT.

LAURIE-LEE ZAPPA IS AMERICAN

ZAPPA (MORRIS VO)
A mouse being awarded the freedom of the City of Warwick for saving a drowning tramp!

APPLAUSE; SHOT OF A MOUSE ON A VELVET CUSHION NEXT TO A GOLDEN KEY, ANONYMOUS BESUITED MEN CROWD AROUND CLAPPING

ZAPPA (VO)
A spider with a design award for its brilliant webs.

SHOT OF A SPIDER NEXT TO AWARD; SHOTS OF SPIDER'S WEB

ZAPPA (VO)
Just two examples of how we're beginning to give spiders the respect they deserve.

NEWS FOOTAGE OF A HORSE RUNNING UP A MOTORWAY

ZAPPA (VO)
Great news that horses are legitimate traffic on the fast lanes and motorways, and at last animals are being allowed to drive cars.

SHOT OF CAR SWERVING OVER MOTORWAY

SHOT OF SPEEDING VAN CRASHING INTO CAR

CAPTION: ' APOLOGIES FOR THE POOR QUALITY'

ZAPPA (VO)
This isn't bad at all when you consider that the van was driven by a moth. Last year, a lot of malpractices were banned.

FOOTAGE OF WHALE WITH APPARATUS STRUCK TO ITS FACE LIFTING LONG CYLINDRICAL OBJECT

ZAPPA (VO)
Tiny six-inch whales are no longer used to retrieve cigarettes dropped by sailors.

SHOTS OF HORSES

ZAPPA (VO)
And it looks hopeful the Government will succeed in stopping the horse-crucifixions in Cleveland.

SHOT OF THREE CROSSES ON A HILL

PG TIPS AD FEATURING CHIMPS

ZAPPA (VO)
This familiar advertisement patronisingly cast chimpanzees as human beings rather than showing them behaving as real chimps. But, this Autumn, that's all gonna change...

PG CHIMP DAD
Oohh I just shat meself.

PG CHIMP SON
Never mind, dad.

PG CHIMP DAD
Now I'm gonna fuck yer nan. You watch me slip my cock in

PG CHIMP SON
(RESIGNEDLY) O-kay!

ZAPPA (VO)
And way ahead, as they so often are with great things, the United States is world leader in techniques to make pets feel better about themselves.

SHOTS OF DOG HAVING OPERATIONS

ZAPPA (VO)
This woman paid $90,000 to have her dog made to look like Ralph Feinnes.

WOMAN ON SETTEE NEXT TO DOG WITH RALPH FEINNES FACE

WOMAN
Well, we're very pleased. Um, I thought that Ralph Feinnes' upper lip was a little too thin so we had his made fuller. I think it's a little bit of an improvement on the original!

MUSIC ENDS

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
Perhaps the leading brain behind the swing towards animal niceness resides in the head of Dr Jonathan Kwattes. Sara Samson-Superchrist has been reporting.

DR JONATHAN KWATTES (JOHN IRWIN) SITTING IN HIS OFFICE, SHOTS OF OXFORD, ETC

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (SALLY PHILLIPS) (VO)
Dr Kwattes believes all animals are vegetarians. He sits in Oxford making up his ideas, then travels the globe with his message. Or publishes new papers.

SHOTS OF KWATTES ARTICLE IN 'NATURE' MAGAZINE: "DYNAMICS OF A MEATLESS PLANET: ARE "CARNIVORES MERELY PUPPETS OF A HUMAN PSYCHO-GENETIC CONSPIRACY?"

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
He particularly targets young minds which he says have not yet been polluted by man's rubbish.

DR KWATTES TEACHING A CLASSROOM OF KIDS. A WRITING BOARD HAS A DRAWING OF A SHARK, WITH AN ARROW POINTNG AT HIS TEETH READING "TEETH - DISPLAY ONLY OR POSSIBLY FOR BITING THROUGH TOUGH WATER"

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL SARA SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST SITTING ON A DESK RATHER THAN DOING A VOICEOVER

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
This is a school class full of children.

CAPTION: 'SARA SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST'

CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON KWATTES AGAIN

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
Dr Kwattes is telling the children that there is no such thing as predation in the animal world and that meat-eating was only learned by animals after contact with man.

DR KWATTES
(TO CLASS) Now...what do crocodiles eat?

CHILD PUTS HER HAND UP

DR KWATTES
Natalie.

CHILD
Other animals.

DR KWATTES PUNCHES HER HARD IN THE FACE. SHE YELPS

DR KWATTES
No, they eat grass.

KWATTES BEING INTERVIEWED IN HIS OFFICE

CAPTION: 'DOCTOR JONATHAN KWATTES, ANIMAL BEHAVIOURIST'

KWATTES
Wildlife documentaries use a great deal of electronic trickery. For instance animals hundreds of yards apart can be made to look like they're fighting while film crews stand behind the scenes with blood bags, all sorts of things.

FOOTAGE OF A LION KILLING A WILDEBEEST

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
there is some very famous footage of a lion killing a wildebeest. How do you...how do you explain that?

KWATTES
the lion may have been chasing the wildebeest. In fact it was chasing it to, er, catch up with it to give it a potato.

COVERT SABOTAGE OPERATION UNDER THE CLOAK OF NIGHT. TORCHES, MOVEMENT.

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
While Kwattes spreads his message, his team make life difficult for animal abusers, sabotaging mink by sewing 'acrylic' labels to the fur...

SHOT OF MINK WITH '100% ACRYLIC' LABEL

FOOTAGE OF WHALES

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
...or attaching heavy weights to whales to prevent them surfacing and being harpooned.

SHOTS OF LONDON ZOO, ANIMALS, PUBLIC, ETC

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
This is London Zoo. It's also the scene of Kwattes' biggest ever coup, which he calls 'The London Mingle'.

SARA SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST STANDING OUTSIDE LONDON ZOO

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
For three days over the August Bank Holiday Weekend...

ONE-SECOND SHOT OF ANIMATED POSTCARD FOR AUGUST

...the cages will be left open and the animals free to go wherever they want.

CAMERA CUTS AWAY, SKYWARDS

KWATTES AT A PRESS CONFERENCE

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
At a press conference this afternoon, Kwattes announced that he's always hated zoos and was extremely proud to have granted the animals at least a temporary taste of freedom.

KWATTES
(TO CONFERENCE) Thank you.

PROMOTIONAL PACKAGE FOR 'THE LONDON MINGLE'. CAPTION PLUS CIRCULAR INSET OF KWATTES WINKING

CAPTION: 'THE LONDON MINGLE VIDEO, © KWATTES FOUNDATION'

VOICEOVER (MORRIS)
The London Mingle!

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
Kwattes has also made a video telling people how to mingle.

VARIOUS SHOTS OF COLORFUL LEAFLETS BEING DELIVERED BY MINGLE REPRESENTATIVES, A WOMAN SAYING "THANK YOU", CLOSE-UPS OF THE INFO LEAFLETS, MAPS WITH FLAGS DENOTING THE LOCATIONS OF VARIOUS ANIMALS (INC. 'EGYPTIAN VULTURE' AND 'WOLF')

KWATTES
If you're feeling concerned, just draw your curtains. These workers will be handing out free peanuts. And we will be using a four-foot map to keep track of some of the animals.

KWATTES CROUCHES DOWN ON THE ROAD BY SOME BLOCKED-OFF DRAINS

As a precaution we will be cutting off some drains in the area. Using special lids.

GRAPHIC OF A MAN SHAKING HANDS WITH A GIRAFFE

CLOSE UP ON HANDSHAKE. CAPTION: 'THE LONDON MINGLE'

SHOT OF EIFFEL TOWER, FRENCH FLAG

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
But in Paris last year a similar experiment ended in disaster.

STING. PANTHER'S-EYE VIEW OF HORRIFIED PEOPLE. SLOW MOTION VIDEO FX. A SMALL BOY FALLS AND WE SEE A BLACK PAW TOUCHING HIS BACK
(The sting was originally used for 'Newsbang FM' in On The Hour)

CAPTION: 'TORQUE TV^TM RECONSTRUCTION'

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
In one incident a panther broke into a cafe. This small boy was pinned to the ground for seventeen hours. Another man had his insides ripped out by a tiger.

KWATTES BEING INTERVIEWED IN HIS OFFICE

KWATTES
Well, let's not forget, that man was gravely ill. He'd just eaten a meal, er, a passing tiger found him by the roadside, waited until he'd died, opened his stomach and licked out the vegetables.

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
If somebody - let's say an old man - is out walking, and he's about to be attacked by a lion, would you sanction the shooting of that lion in that case?

KWATTES
Why not shoot the man?

PAUSE

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
You'd shoot the man?

KWATTES
Yes, of course.

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST
What if that man was my father? Would you shoot him?

KWATTES
Yes.

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
Opposition has come from all quarters

STOCK FOOTAGE OF COLONEL GADDAFI APPARENTLY BEING INTERVIEWED BY PETER SNOW VIA SATELLITE

GADDAFI
I consider all this crazy and foolish.

KWATTES IN CLASSROOM AGAIN LEADING THE CHILDREN IN A SONG. GIRAFFE/MAN GRAPHIC AGAIN

SAMSON-SUPERCHRIST (VO)
But the Mingle remains on-course, and Kwattes remains incorrigible.

BACK TO THE 'LONDON MINGLE' PROMOTIONAL VIDEO

KWATTES
I've told the animals about The Mingle myself, and look how they're dancing with joy!

SHOTS OF VARIOUS ANIMALS JUMPING ABOUT, BACKED WITH 'DEEPER AND DOWN', 'LOCO DOWN IN ACAPULCO' AND A SLEEPING BEAR UNDER 'BOOGIE NIGHTS'

FADE TO BLACK

BACK TO DAVID JATT / PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE INTERVIEW

JATT
Here's a point. We execute wasps but we don't execute dogs.

CAPTION: 'PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE, WAS EDITOR OF THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH'

WORSTHORNE
(PAUSE) We execute wasps because they sting us. And dogs give us pleasure.

JATT
Do wasps really sting us?

WORSTHORNE
They do, well... they have stung me and it seemed like a sting.

JATT
Was it actually a sting?

WORSTHORNE
Er... I call it a sting. I know...

JATT
You see, I've never been stung by a wasp. I don't necessarily believe... We're told they sting...

WORSTHORNE
Well I have been stung by a wasp. And they do sting.

JATT
People say snakes sting, and snakes bite!

WORSTHORNE
I haven't been stung by a snake, I'm glad to say. If I had I would...

JATT
Well that's because they bite.

WORSTHORNE
...or bite.

JATT
Now that I believe, and yet I've never been bitten by a snake. Why don't I believe... Why do a lot of people not believe that wasps sting?

WORSTHORNE
Well, er, come out into our garden in South Bucks, er, er, in a Summer's day, I'll find you a wasp and...

JATT
Sting me with it?

WORSTHORNE
What?

JATT
You'd sting me with a wasp?

GRAPHIC USING OLD B/W PATHE NEWSFILM ('ANIMAL NEWS') SHOWING A DOG JUMPING OFF A HIGHBOARD INTO A SWIMMING POOL
(Here the footage is tinted yellow and inset into the graphic)

VOICEOVER (JO UNWIN)
During the Blitz, when many clocks were destroyed, Londoners could tell the time by watching a dog throw itself off a highboard, which it did precisely every sixty seconds, 24 hours a day for over eight months.

BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
When we left the WOFDCAP story, five minutes ago, they had only just started to get into trouble. Now I've no idea how the piece finishes since at the time I recorded the narrative I was immensely distracted.

MIKE FOX BACK ON THE STREETS, LEAFLETING

FOX
Read about Karla, the baby elephant, she's gonna die in an East German zoo...

MORRIS (VO)
Mike Fox, spreading the word about Karla, the elephant in an East German zoo with her trunk stuck in her trickle-tube.

SHOT OF THREE COFFEE MUGS, SHOTS OF WOFDCAP OFFICE

The campaign was humming. Or so they thought.

SECRETARY ON PHONE
Hello. Jeffrey Archer's office.

MORRIS (VO)
Until things suddenly got nasty.

FOX
Mike Fox from WOFDCAP.

SECRETARY
I'm very sorry. Lord Archer doesn't want to. er, get involved.

CAPTION: 'THE VOICE OF JEFFREY ARCHER'S PA'

FOX
Couldn't he just give up thirty seconds and say something down the phone?

SECRETARY
I'm awfully sorry, no.

FOX
Is he prepared to saunter down the street with the death of an elephant on his head?

SECRETARY
I've got to go.

FOX
He's a very wicked little man

PHONE IS SLAMMED DOWN. FOX LOOKS AGITATED

MORRIS (VO)
Others had problems with the pronunciation of difficult sounds.

VARIOUS SHOTS OF MAIDSTONE PRISON, SHOT OF REGGIE KRAY OVERLAID AT ONE POINT

REGGIE KRAY ON PHONE
Hello, this is Reg Kray speaking from Maidstone Prison. I would like everyone... to help WOFDCAP and AZ.

MORRIS
Could you just do the AAAAAAZ just a bit longer 'cause otherwise we'll get confused with 'as'. y'see.

KRAY
Okay... WOFDCAP... and... AAZ.

MORRIS
Okay, that's great, if you just say the AAAAAAAZ longer (GIGGLY VOICE) 'cos otherwise we'll get confused with the other organisation and that'll lead to terrible trouble!

KRAY
...very difficult...

MORRIS
It is difficult, you have to take a deep breath!

KRAY
WOFDCAP and (TAKES DEEP BREATH) AAAAAAZ...

MORRIS
Lovely.

KRAY
Okay?

MORRIS
You're very fit.

KRAY
Thank you.

MORRIS
Bye.

KRAY
Cheers.

MONA BAUWENS IN A HOTEL ROOM CHATTERING AWAY

BAUWENS
No, I'm sorry..

MORRIS (VO)
Mona Bauwens, ex-PLO bint and now top journalist used all her skills...

MONA
...somebody gives me some words... I just need to remember Paul Daniels, Wolf and Nigel Benn...help us get her trunk out...

FLOOR LEVEL SHOT OF BAUWENS' LEGS

MORRIS (VO)
...to relay the latest horrific chapter in the battle for Karla's arse.

BACK TO ORIGINAL SHOT

MONA
(PIECE TO CAMERA) Yesterday morning the usually sweet-natured elephant lashed out at a keeper, kicking him through the ceiling. WOFDCAP's vet, who smuggled herself in, disguised as a soldier, has told us she may well succumb to a fit and destroy herself by bouncing herself to death.

MORRIS (VO)
But it was no good...

MONA
...and please help WOFDCAP. (ALMOST SINGS) AAAAAAAZ! Now.

FLOOR LEVEL SHOT OF BAUWENS SQUATTING

MORRIS (VO)
...even though she showed off her pants.

MIKE FOX ON THE STREET AGAIN. VARIOUS PEOPLE IGNORE HIM

MORRIS (VO)
And back on the street, Mike Fox was losing it.

FOX
She's gonna die... an elephant's gonna die, sir. (MAN WALKS PAST) Don't... don't make a whistling face unless you're gonna whistle!

Excuse me, sir, elephant's gonna die - could you read about it, pass it on to your friends...

MORRIS (VO)
But then, thank Christ for Wolf the Gladiator who joined not a moment too soon.

WOLF IN GYM CHANGING ROOM

WOLF
(READING FROM PRESS RELEASE) Urgent news. Karla has started to ingest her own head. Her dump-bump mechanism has blown. There's bloody vegetable gas everywhere. For God's sake, help us pull her trunk out.

CUT

She needs Wolf-Power or she will explode in a shower of pulped yams. Please help me and AAAAAAAZ get Karla's trunk out the end of her guts.

ANOTHER SHOT OF A T-SHIRT, LOGO. ETC

MORRIS (VO)
With that ace burst of Wolf the campaign shot back into life.

CLOSE UP OF FAX SIGNED BY BARBARA WINDSOR

FOX TALKING ON TELEPHONE

FOX
Barbara Windsor's support is the heartbeat that separates Karla from her death.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE ON PHONE
Mmm.

BACK TO OLIVER SKEETE INTERVIEW

SKEETE
(TO CAMERA) Pull her trunk out now, 'cos if I was there, I'd pull it out, and then I'd sort you out, and that's the truth!

MUTE, QUICK-CUT, MONTAGE OF ALL WHO'VE PARTICIPATED SO FAR

MORRIS (VO)
The WOFDCAP appeal was ready for its final phase.

NICHOLAS PARSONS IN HOTEL ROOM

PARSONS
You've heard a great deal about Karla, the poor little elephant in this East German zoo who's suffering horrendously, horribly. Desmond Morris, the great anthropologist, the author of The Naked Ape, who understands more about animals than probably anybody, has written this little poem about Karla. I'd like to read it to you.

THE FOLLOWING IS A CUT UP MONTAGE

Aren't we a bunch of...fuck...wits?...An elephant could...no...more... get...its trunk...up...its...arse than...we...could...lick our balls...

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
So, what's the solution? The balanced view would suggest a series of compromises. Like this.

STRING QUARTET MUSIC BACKING

In slaughterhouses, every so often, one cow should be set free, and the odd slaughterer killed in order to maintain a kind of balance. Death is never pleasant, but in the future we hope that cows will only be killed half-horribly and half-nicely. As an interim arrangement slaughterhouses should cheer up the cattle before they're dispatched by playing them this music...

SHORT BURST OF UPTEMPO BIG BAND MUSAK.

FADE BACK TO STRING QUARTET

It will only be permissible to use animals in experiments so long as they're given something to hit back with. Like this little spanner.

FX: SPANNER DROPPED

And if you insist on pampering your pets you should make sure that, every so often, you hit them really quite hard over the head with a comb. Thank you. Now whatever else you forget about tonight's programme, please remember this.

DAVID JATT STUDIO AGAIN. CARLA LANE AS GUEST. BEHIND THE SCENES MODE

JATT
We need to do one thing to introduce that, er, cow item from... on the set that these clowns have built for me. (THEY WALK TOWARDS 'COW GRAVE' PROP) If we could both kneel down here then we can introduce the item and I'll just...

LANE
Oh my goodness, this is a grave!

JATT
You see, this is a cow-grave.

LANE
Yes...

JATT
'Probably Killed in Unnecessary Pain By A Man'

LANE
Yes...

CLOCK-WIPE. THEY ARE SEATED AGAIN. THIS TIME THEY GO FOR A TAKE.

JATT
Introduction time. Let's talk about cows. (THEY WALK OVER TO THE GRAVE) This is the grave of a cow. As you will see it was killed, in unnecessary pain, by a man. I think we agree with that, don't we Carla?

LANE
I agree, yes.

JATT
(TO CAMERA) If we think it's bad in this country. If we think it's bad in Europe. It's worse in Libya. Take a look at this piece of VT.

LIBYAN NEWS REPORT. WE SEE MORRIS AS THE NEWSREADER AGAIN

WE SEE THE NEWS REPORT. JATT DESCRIBES IT

HIS GUEST IN THE STUDIO IS NOW THE BISHOP OF COLCHESTER

JATT
You see, this is a festival. Lambs are slaughtered. But every so often a cow is rounded up and driven into a metal tube. The tube is then charged - there's a celebration going on all the time - it's shot... through the air, and if that cow is still alive the men gather round and finish it off with their feet, drag it through the town and... and leave it, quite often for the jackals and, er, dogs. In fact, the end-word of this news report from the newsreader's mouth is "Wow, look at that dead bastard." Now how does that errrrrrrrrrrr...

CAPTION: 'THE RIGHT REVERAND EDWARD HOLLAND, THE BISHOP OF COLCHESTER'

BISHOP
Well of course, it's appalling. I believe that civilisation, as we have it, has in many places moved beyond that.

SHOT OF COW BEING LAUNCHED

JATT IS NOW INTERVIEWING PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE

WORSTHORNE
This is... this is vile. There's no question about it, and I don't, er...

JATT
It's a vile thing to fire a cow through the air and then kick it to death in the middle of the night.

WORSTHORNE
Absolutely.

SHOT OF COW BEING LAUNCHED

JATT IS NOW INTERVIEWING LYNDSEY DE PAUL

CAPTION: 'LYNDSEY DE PAUL, VEGETARIAN AND COMPOSER OF 'ROCK BOTTOM''

DE PAUL
...I mean, they are basically natives. They're not educated people. They're not civilised, educated, socialised people!

SHOT OF COW BEING LAUNCHED

BACK TO PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE INTERVIEW. JATT POINTS TO HIS RIGHT/WRONG WHEEL

JATT
That incident itself that we've just seen - the Libyan cattle slaughter - right or wrong?

WORSTHORNE
Wrong.

JATT
(POINTING ARROW AT 'WRONG') That wrong?

WORSTHORNE
Yes, absolutely wrong.

JATT
Peregrine Worsthorne, thank you very much for joining us.

BACK WITH CARLA LANE NEXT TO COW GRAVE

JATT
Okay, yeah, you can kill the tape.

LANE
Ooh, yes please. Kill the tape.

JATT
Kill the tape.

BLACK SCREEN

MORRIS (VO)
Goodnight.

CREDITS RUN OVER A SHOT OF AN ELEPHANT WITH VIDEO EFFECTS

ALEXANDRA PAUL ON PHONE
Hi, this is Alexandra Paul from Baywatch. Please help me get Karla's head out of her guts now before she explodes.

MIKE FOX
Just imagine how she feels.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Just imagine how she feels, out there, all alone... Oh gosh.

FOX
Mm. (PAUSE) Oh, goodness me...

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Please help...

FOX
Goodness! I've just received this. Now. Our vet has managed to get in an hour ago...

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Uh-huh?

FOX
And she managed to pull Karla's head out... Oh God...

ALEXANDRA PAUL
What? What does it say?

FOX
Her head came out but it had shrunk, and it was now small and smooth and white.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
And so, did she put it back in?

FOX
No, she's walking around, it says here, with a small smooth white head, about the size of a man's head. Ohhh...

ALEXANDRA PAUL
(SUSPICIOUS) How could she breath?

FOX
Well, I think she's got a couple of little holes where the trunk has worn away. She...

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Ghhod!

FOX
She's got eyes... But she hasn't got any ears. And it looks like one of our helpers, Andrew Dean, got sucked in.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
What?!

FOX
He's still inside!

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Inside what?

FOX
Karla!

ALEXANDRA PAUL
No!!

FOX
He's breathing through a tube.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Ohh Jesus.

FOX
And he's stuck inside!

ALEXANDRA PAUL
I...I..I think you should get a press-release out.

FOX
Which paper would print it, do you know?

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Well, you put it over AP.

FOX
You put it over a pea?

ALEXANDRA PAUL
You put it over the... over the wire services.

FOX
What, you put a wire over a pea?

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Er...I'm sorry, I don't understand.

FOX
Is it like a distribution pea? I phone up a pea, and I send it down a wire to the pea and then the pea sends it out to all the newspapers?

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Well they should put it over their... their... their wire services...

FOX
Oh there's lots of peas? There's lots of peas there.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Well...

FOX
And they all do the jobs. Which is less cruel than having animals doing it I suppose.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
No no, this is, um...

FOX
They're very clever then.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
...yeah.

FOX
Well thanks very much anyway. I'll try the pea tip. I think it sounds good. And thanks very much for your thoughts, Alexandra.

ALEXANDRA PAUL
Okay, and, um...

FOX
I'll pass on your good wishes to all concerned, particularly to Andrew. If he's still going.

ALEXANDRA PAUL HANGS UP. PHONE CLICK

CREDITS:

Torque tv^TM

featured
Chris Morris

with
Peter Baynham
Ian Gelder
Mark Heap
John Irwin
Sally Phillips
Janene Passell
Albert Welling

written & devised by
Chris Morris

Script Associate
Peter Baynham

with additional material by
Graham Linehan
Arthur Matthews

Costume
Jo dawn

make-up
Karen Hyams

Man in Cow Suit
Peter Thornton

Lighting Cameraman
Simon Bray

Sound Recordist
Simon Clark

On-line Editor
Perry Widowson

wants to be friends with Martin Amis
Patrick Marbur (sic)

Location Manager
Naomi Ellwood

Floor Manager
Peter Thornton

Production Buyer
Jess Kitley

Animal Procurer
Jackie Rowberry

Stupidity Latch
Brett Easton Ellis

Design Assistant
Anthea Callado

Parliamentary Contact
Bernie Worrell

Production Accountant
Debee Connors Aspel

Production Secretary
Alexandra Cox

Producers' Assistant
Arabella McGuigan

Film Research
Robert Katz
Arabella McGuigan
Alex Cox
John Tusa

Researchers
Robert Moore
Andrew Newman

Barking the word "Charlie"
Jeffrey Archer

Graphics
Richard Norley
Russell Hilliard

Audio Post Production
Nigel Heath
Julian Slater
Mathew Knights

Production Designer
Jonathan Green

Avid Editors
Gary Dollner
Steve Gandolfi
Simon Beeley

Production Designer
Peter Thornton

Executive Producer
Peter Fincham

Director
Michael Cumming

Producers
Duncan Gray *
Chris Morris

A Talkback production for BBC Television

* (Duncan Gray is credited as 'Did A Runner' in the final episode of Brass Eye)