Versionne thee Sixfthe
and fiyenall
From the bowells of thee earth,
To the pitte of your stoomakk,
Via the ether, five rewrites, economic
stringency, and Channel 4....
Cluub
Zarathustra
"In the hierarchy of the Freak Show
The Bearded Woman is King"
League Against Tedium
10. 9. 96
CLUUB ZARATHUSTRA PILOT - ITEMS AND EST. TIMES – 23.30
1) Tatou # 1
1.00
2) Title Sequence 0.45
3) Opening
League Bit/Messenger 1 2.30
4) Testimonies of the
Sub-Wormes #1 0.15
5) Trolls 0.30
6)
Siamese Cat 0.15
7) Back of Head
0.30
8) League Bit/Opera Device #1
0.30
9) Hat #1 0.30
10) Three Wyse Moonkeys
1.00
11) Graphic - Day In My Life 0.15
12) League Bit
1.00
13) Paul Hamilton 1.00
14) Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes
#2 0.15
15) League Bit/Opera Device #2 1.00
17) Hats #2
0.30
18) League Bit/Violins 0.30
19) Propaganda Package
1.00
20) League bit/messenger #2 1.00
21) Testimonies of the
Sub-Wormes #3 0.15
22) Coke Is It 0.15
23) League Bit
0.30
24) The Foole 1.00
25) Graphic - Winners & Losers
0.15
26) League Bit/Edgar 2.00
27) Ugliest Baby 0.30
28)
Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes #4 0.15
29) Hat #3 0.15
30)
League/Armpits 0.30
31) Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes #4
0.15
32) Hats #4 0.30
33) apology 0.30
34) Closing Titles
0.30
35) Tatou #3 0.30
Graphic
CLUUB ZARATHUSTRA - notes for this episode-
The Messenger - a regular character
Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes - this week there are four of these spots. Other weeks could feature - "Pleas of the Innocent", "Judgements of thee Critics", "Voices of Reason" etc
Hats - Three exchanges on our regular road/landscape area that are linked. Other weeks might feature other related, developing dialogues in the same region.
The Foole - A regular character
Siamese Cat/Winners & Losers/Coke is It - we aim to make these kind of info/graphics bursts a regular feature of the show
Paul Hamilton - a regular character, Hampsteady poet
Opera Device - a regular character. Other weeks will feature her being used to praise the League, deal with the crowd etc
Edgar - a regular character, Poe-like storyteller
Butler - appears each week with a question/service to The League
CLUUB ZARATHUSTRA - PILOT SCRIPT, rewrite 5/9/96
Written by Simon Munnery & Roger Mann,
Script Editor - Stewart Lee
Additional Material by ... Kevin Eldon, Stewart Lee, Sally Phillips, and Richard Thomas.
Introduction
Cluub Zarathustra will be filmed in front of a live audience in a specially constructed Cluub Z environment, Z banners and 30's/futurist shapes. They will be shown VT inserts on a big screen behind the stage, which is also part of the design of the Cluub as The League Against Tedium, Cluub Z's host played by Simon Munnery, uses it for reference and evidence.
However, the viewers at home will not see the laughing real studio audience, even though we'll hear their response. Instead, they'll see only a computer-multiplied audience of appropriately dressed extras, inhabitants of the future/past/parallel world were Cluub Z actually exists, who clap or chant appropriately.
The whole set/uniform/graphics of Cluub Zarathustra will be carefully co-ordinated with our designer to give it a distinctive identity, that is at once timeless, ancient and modem, and not dull in any way. Not bad, eh!
1) TATOU #1 - VT INSERT (before title sequence)
A SIXTIES FRENCH FILM. PERHAPS MONOCHROMEY B&W. TATOU (Roger) IS WORKING AT A FORGE OR GRINDING WHEEL. MACHINERY. LOTS OF SPARKS AND HEAT AND SWEAT. HARRY (Kevin) APPEARS DOWN SOME SPIRAL STAIRS.
EXTRA FOOTAGE OF HARRY RUNNING TO THE SCENE TO BE SHOT? MORE EACH TIME? MUSIC - RICHARD TO WRITE, AS BEFORE IN EDINBURGH. BANGING ESTABLISHED AND THEN...
HARRY Tatou! Tatou!
SWITCHES OFF MACHINE, WEARY...
TATOU Oui.
HARRY Je ne suis pas.
TATOU Tu n'est pas quoi?
HARRY Je ne suis pas un chien.
TATOU Ah oui je sais ...
THE FILM SPOOL RUNS OUT
2) TITLE SEQUENCE - VT INSERT LINKING IN TO LIVE CLUUB PIECE
BLACK SCREEN WITH MINIMAL BACKGROUND SOUND - A BREATH AND PAUSE. THEN.... INSISTENT TREATED 40'S AIR RAID KLAXON SIREN .... GOING INTO MUSIC - PHILLIP GLASS/STEVE REICH TWO NOTE XYLOPHONE MINIMALIST REPETITION WITH SIXTIES ITC ADVENTURE PROGRAMME HORN STUFF/LOUD DRUMS/CHURCH ORGAN/ OVER IT – UNDER THROUGHOUT.
MUSIC - TO BE SCORED BY RICHARD - ONE MINUTE (?) LONG - PIECE CONTINUOUS INTO LIVE STUDIO BIT VIA OPERA SINGING. STEVE TO CUT TITLES TO MUSIC.
POSSIBLE OVERLAY OF Z BANNERS BEING CARRIED ALOFT DURING THIS
OUT OF BLACK SCREEN, PUNCHY INTO...... (WOBBLY GRAPHICS, SLIGHT SENSE OF IT COMING AT YOU ... NOT A ZOOM BUT MAYBE SMALL VERSION AND THEN BIG VERSION... THE EFFECT IS "BANG!".... DIRTY AND SLIGHTLY BROKEN, GRUBBY)
GRAPHIC Attention Scum!
KEVIN V/O Scum! Pay attention!
GRAPHIC You are Nothing
KEVIN V/O Nothing!
GRAPHIC Absolutely Nothing
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
KEVIN V/O What are you?
GRAPHIC Response; "We Are Nothing"
VOICE OF CROWD We are nothing!
CHURCH RUSTLEY AMBIENCE ON THE RESPONSE, NOT DRONEY BUT NOT TOO REHEARSED EITHER. MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
KEVIN V/0 Indeed so!
ECHOING THUD! A BIG B&W "Z" FILLS SCREEN
KEVIN V/0 You are...
FOLLOWING WORDS FLASH UP REALLY QUICKLY ONE AFTER ANOTHER... THE WORDS "You are..." REMAIN ONSCREEN ABOVE THEM, FLASHING.
GRAPHIC: Dullards
GRAPHIC Poltroons
GRAPHIC TWATS (in caps)
GRAPHIC Hope junkies
GRAPHIC Pinheads
GRAPHIC Drones
GRAPHIC Bumming Arse Wanks
GRAPHIC Lottery Players
GRAPHIC Sub-worms
GRAPHIC/ V/0 Behold Superiority:
3) OPENING LEAGUE BIT /MESSENGER #1 - LIVE IN CLUUB
WE ARE NOW IN THE CLUUB...
GRAPHIC: ON SCREEN - LIVE-FOOTAGE OF SIMON MUNNERY/THE LEAGUE'S GLASSES-RIDDEN, WEAK FACE IN MUG SHOT, NOT MOVING MUCH..... WITH "the League Against Tedium" UNDERNEATH AND THE WORD "Superiority" ABOVE. PULL OUT FROM THE ABOVE IMAGE ON A SCREEN IN CLUUB ZARATHUSTRA, WITH SOME CUT AWAYS TO LITTLE GLIMPSES OF CLOAK OF LEAGUE, HOOD, BOOTS(?), ETC .... STAGE WITH SCREEN BEHIND IT ... LIKE A GIANT OLD BAKERLITE TV, COPPER FRAME RATHER THAN STEEL. Z BANNERS AT SIDE OF STAGE. LECTERN. OPERA DEVICE. BLACKS AND WHITES/FUTURIST /CLASSICAL/ART DECO DESIGN. AS WE PULL BACK WE SEE THE HEADS OF THE AUDIENCE FROM BEHIND, ALL LOOKING UP AT THE STAGE. FAST CUTTING AROUND. UNDER THE FOLLOWING SINGING ... SOME Z PEOPLE ON THE STAGE MAKING FINAL PREPARATIONS, SWEEPING AND PAINTING, THEY SCURRY OFF.....
FACE GRAPHIC STILL ON SCREEN
OPERA DEVICE (....WITH THE MUSIC ... WE DON'T SEE IT YET, SAVING THE SURPRISE OF ITS SHEER SIZE UNTIL LATER..WORDS SHE IS SINGING SCROLL UNDERNEATH LIKE ON BBC 2 OPERA)
Prepare to meet him now,
Superiority
Incarnate,
The League Against Tedium,
Always above all,
And
like the light of undeniable importance
behold the League Against Tedium.
LEAGUE DISCOVERED ON STAGE TO THE SOUND OF VERDI'S REQUIEM. HE WEARS AN ORANGE CLOAK AND MASK OF HIS WAN FACE AND IS 14 FEET TALL. WITH BIG FEET. Z PEOPLE STAND EITHER SIDE A LA PUBLIC ENEMY'S SECURITY OF THE FIRST WORLD TEAM. THEY ARE DRESSED IN SIMPLE Z UNIFORM OF Z CLOTHES. (It would be nice if we could get someone to choreograph some kind of drill style responses for these characters.)
OPERA DEVICE Behold! Superiority!
CAPTION The League Against Tedium. Behold Superiority!
MUSIC STOPS AND LEAGUE CASTS OFF CLOAK AND MASK SO THAT HE IS NOW NORMAL SIZE.. BUT WITH BIG PLATFORM SHOES, WHICH HE WEARS WITH CONFIDENCE DESPITE THEIR RIDICULOUSNESS, HE IS CARRYING A SCEPTRE/ STAFF / STICK, WITH Z / SWAN HEAD DESIGN, AND A BUTTON ON IT TO CONTROL APPLAUSE. WE NEED TO PICK UP THE BIG SHOES IN SHOT BEFORE THE UNMASKING, AND AFTERWARDS TOO. CLOAK & MASK ETC THROWN OFF AND CAUGHT BY Z PEOPLE. CAMERA CLOSES IN ON LEAGUE'S FACE. LEAGUE WEARS GLASSES, DANDY RUFFS, SWORD AND EXTRAVAGANT SHIRT. BIG SCREEN RELAYS 1) ACTUAL IMAGE OF WHAT IS GOING ON, NAMELY A LIVE FEED OF CLOSEUP OF LEAGUE'S FACE, or 2) STILL OF LEAGUE, or 3) FOOTAGE OF THE SLIGHTLY MOVING LEAGUE FACE.
LEAGUE I do nor spik lik yow...
TRANSLATOR V/O I do not speak like you.
LEAGUE Becock aiee am not lik yow!
TRANSLATOR V/O Because I am not like you.
LEAGUE Wunce ai stud in a kyow...
TRANSLATOR/V/O Once I stood in a queue...
LEAGUE LOOKS ACROSS AT CROUCHING ROGER Z PERSON WITH HEADPHONES AND MIKE. SNEERS. MANN SCURRIES OFF.
LEAGUE Once I stood in a queue pretending to be just like everybody else. And then, without once letting my mask slip I boarded the bus and travelled home. But when I got home, oh how I laughed.
LEAGUE WALKS TO HIS LECTERN-PODIUM. THINK DAVROS/HG WELLS'TIME MACHINE/SHIP CONTROLS/ANGLICAN PULPIT. LITTLE READING LIGHTS ON IT ETC. LEAGUE'S FACE ON BIG SCREEN, EITHER LIVE FROM CAMERA CLOSE-UP OR PRE-RECORDED FILM OF HIM LOOKING APPROVING OF HIS WORK
LEAGUE Here are my thoughts endless and true: Thought! The wise man picks his friends from a hat, the truly wise man picks the hat.
LEAGUE PUTS ON HIS BASIC HAT (hat a - see hat appendix)
LEAGUE I notice you have chosen not to clap. Never mind, I have no need of your tedious applause.
LEAGUE SWITCHES SWANS'BEAK ON STAFF. CUT TO IDEALISED/STYLISED CLAPPING AUDIENCE; 12 WOMEN IN BLUE/GREY DRESSES, ROUND NECKLINES SO YOU CAN SEE THEY ARE WOMEN.
LEAGUE Women! I suggest one thing to you. Sex!
ELECTRIC SUIT LIGHTS UP
LEAGUE O! Yow may laugh, but thou dost so with damp knickers. Sayings! O There is much wisdom in sayings - Look before you leap, he who hesitates is lost, a stitch in time saves nine - I too have some sayings.
DRUMMING AND SHRIEK OF OPERA DEVICE
LEAGUE Get out of my way!
DRUMMING AND SHRIEK
LEAGUE A punch in the gob lets a fat man know his status.
DRUMMING SHRIEK
LEAGUE Some people cannot see the wood for the trees, I see both the wood and the trees and the small village beyond and what is more I have a flame thrower.
DRUMMING SHRIEK
LEAGUE In love as in fighting the winner has an eight foot pole
DRUMMING/SHRIEK
LEAGUE He disagrees with me in private call him a foole, he who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.
DRUMMING/SHRIEK
LEAGUE "Brevity is the soul of wit" said Shakespeare and I say "WANK". Thus I win. I give you Cluub Zarathustra.
BIG Z ONSCREEN BEHIND LEAGUE NOW. PAN AROUND THE BUILDING. MUSICAL FLOURISH! INTERCUT IMAGES OF CLUUB INTERIOR WITH THOSE Z LOGOS "Berlin Paris London"; "In Consequence Of The Above"; "Bum Tit Wank"; Is it possible here to, again, give an impression that the cluub is full, but not see the audience in too much detail We don't want to confuse fake audience and real audience. Can we see the real audience, but not in enough definition to see that they're just normal 1996 punter-skum?
LEAGUE Those of you who watch the whole of this programme - I mean the two of you - will be able to say to your friends "I saw Cluub Zarathustra". And your friends will wail "Why? Why?" And you will kill them and wear their skins...
TRUMPET NOISE
LEAGUE Hark! What comes hence?
MESSENGER (Kevin) RUSHES ON, DRESSED IN Z LIVERY WITH TIGHTS, KIND OF PLAYING CARD CHARACTER DESIGN. BEDRAGGLED AND PUFFED OUT. BLOWS A TINY TRUMPET, AND UNFURLS A SCROLL.
MESSENGER Hail League!
LEAGUE Hail Messenger!
MESSENGER I bring news - from the Holy Land. Cannabis is Legal.
LEAGUE The Holy Land?
MESSENGER Yes.
LEAGUE You mean 'Holland'.
MESSENGER I bring news from Holland...
LEAGUE Begone!
MESSENGER EXITS
4) TESTIMONIES OF THE SUB-WORMES #1 - VT INSERT
CAPTURED GULF AIRMEN NEWS FOOTAGE GRAINY LOOK
GRAPHIC Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes.
SALLY IN Z CLOTHES AGAINST Z BACKGROUND
CAPTION No 114. Sally. "I was bald."
SALLY Before I come Cluub Zarathustra I was bald. Now 1 can see.
5) TROLLS - LIVE IN CLUUB WITH VT INSERTS/INFO ON SCREEN
LEAGUE AT/NEAR LECTERN
LEAGUE Hats! Hats! Where are your hats! Put on your Dunce's caps! Those of you caught not wearing a dunce's cap may be forced to stand at the front. And teach.
WE SEE AUDIENCE ALL IN DUNCES' CAPS ALL CLAPPING
LEAGUE Now... Question. What was the greatest crime of the 20th Century?
SCREEN/VT TEXT "The Greatest Crime of The Twentieth Century"
LEAGUE 'Twas Birmingham .... and it's spreading!
SCREEN/VT A MAP OF THE WEST MIDLANDS REGION WITH B'HAM HIGHLIGHTED. FOOTAGE OF B'HAM. MAYBE A SLOW PAN AROUND THE CENTRE OF TOWN SHOWING BULLRING SHOPPING CENTRE. THEN WE SEE THE EXPANDING PERIMITER OF B'HAM FROM 1500 - 1960, THEN WE SEE HOW THE "SEEDS" OF B'HAM HAVE SPREAD VIA THE MOTORWAY NETWORK AND STARTED TO GROW LIKE CANCER IN THE CENTRES OF OTHER CITIES SUCH AS MILTON KEYNES 5 WITH STILL PHOTO EVIDENCE OF OTHER IDENTICAL SHOPPING CENTRES FROM THE INFECTED CITIES. FINALLY LEAGUE SPEAKS OVER VIDEO EVIDENCE OF B'HAM SHOPPERS DRIFTING COMATOSE FROM SHOP TO SHOP IN THE BULL RING.
LEAGUE There is but one good thing about Birmingham. The people.
SCREEN/VT A BADLY DRESSED SHOPPER (Stu?) NOTICES HE IS BEING FILMED AND APPROACHES THE CAMERA GRINNING INANELY
LEAGUE There are none. Just Trolls.
SCREEN SHOPPER IS JOINED BY OTHERS WHO ALL WAVE AND GRIN.
CAPTION - "Trolls"
6) SIAMESE CAT - VT/GRAPHICS INSERT
DRUMMING
DIAGRAM OF A SIAMESE CAT
LEAGUE V/O This is a Siamese Cat
DIAGRAM OF KING OF SIAM
LEAGUE V/O This is the king of Siam.
DRUMMING
LEAGUE V/O There is ... no connection.
THE WORDS "No Connection", FLASHING
LEAGUE V/O But we can create one. Using simple circuitry.
CIRCUIT DIAGRAM OF SIAMESE CAT AND KING OF SIAM CONNECTED IN SERIES TO 2000 VOLTS D.C. SUPPLY.
7) BACK OF HEAD - VT INSERT
FILMED WILD WITH NO SOUND. DIALOGUE TO BE DUBBED ON. SCENE - ON ROAD/LANDSCAPE/ABSTRACT LANDSCAPE. TECHNICOLOUR?
LEAGUE V/O Thought! (DRUMMING!) If a man could travel at the speed of light squared he would be able to see the back of his own head. But would he like what he saw.
WE SEE ROGER IN THE DISTANCE WITH HIS BACK TO US, AND ANOTHER ROGER CLOSE UP WITH HIS BACK TO US. THE NEAR ROGER IS LOOKING AT THE DISTANT ONE. BOTH IN BRIGHT CLOTHES. ZOOM CLOSE UP ON THE BACK OF THE DISTANT ONE'S HEAD. THERE ARE TWO SLIMY SNAILS EATING A LEAF.
8) LEAGUE BIT/OPERA DEVICE - LIVE IN CLUUB
LEAGUE No. And bedsides, we have mirrors for that. Thought! (DRUMMING) It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother! (FAKE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) Now! Activate the Opera Device!
LAURIE THE OPERA SINGER IS WHEELED ON IN AN ENORMOUS 2OFT HIGH FLOWING DRESS SO SHE IS A GIANT FAT OPERA WOMAN WITH A TINY NORMAL SIZED HEAD WHO CAN REVOLVE.
LEAGUE I give you, a song for Europe!
OPERA DEVICE (WITH MUSIC - UNDER) The French have nothing to offer civilisation, in this respect they are like the Germans!
PERHAPS WORDS SCROLL UNDER SCREEN AS IN BBC2 TRANSMISSIONS OF OPERA. LEAGUE IS STARING AT OPERA DEVICE'S BREASTS.
LEAGUE O! What do men find so attractive about women's breasts? Tis that there are two of them .... (TAPS BREASTS WITH STICK) ... and that represents "Good Value".
DRUMMING
9) HAT# 1 - VT INSERT
STRANGE ERASERHEAD NOISES UNDER THROUGHOUT. ROAD LANDSCAPE AS BEFORE ... LEAGUE IS WEARING BASIC HAT, hat a. HE MEETS ROGER ON THE ROAD CLAD IN THE GARB OF AN 18TH CENTURY GENTLEMAN/FOP AND WEARING A SLIGHTLY TALLER HAT. ROGER SMILES WRYLY. THEY STAND OPPOSITE EACH OTHER AS IF DUELLING. THE LEAGUE OSTENTATIOUSLY BLOWS INTO A TUBE IN HIS SLEEVE. HIS HAT EXPANDS TO TWICE ITS PREVIOUS HEIGHT, hat b. ROGER RETREATS, BEATEN.
10) THREE WYSE MOONKEYS - LIVE CLUIJB
NET SET UP ON STAGE. MONKEYS ASSEMBLED ON STAGE ELSEWHERE. LEAGUE WALKS OVER TO THEM DURING FIRST SPEECH.
LEAGUE Thought! There is much we can learn by looking at monkeys. Not as much, of course, as they can learn from looking at us. 1 give you the Three Wyse Moonkeys. See No Evil...
ROGER IN MONKEY MASK WITH COVERED EYES...
LEAGUE Hear no evil
STU IN MONKEY MASK WITH COVERED EARS....
LEAGUE And play no volleyball.
KEVIN IN MONKEYMASK....
LEAGUE But see how I tempt them. You, See No Evil, Watch.
RICHARD THOMAS IN Z CLOTHES, HOLDS UP DEAD KITTEN AND GIVES LEAGUE A GOLF CLUB. HE THWACKS THE HEAD OFF THE CREATURE. NO RESPONSE FROM SEE NO EVIL.
LEAGUE But you, Hear No Evil. hark now.
AN EVIL NOISE. NO RESPONSE. RICHARD GIVES LEAGUE VOLLEYBALL.
LEAGUE You ... would you like a game of volleyball?
PLAY NO VOLLEYBALL O.K.
LEAGUE HITS VOLLEYBALL TO MONKEY, AND WALKS OFF. OR - FILM THEM PLAYING FOR REAL, UNTIL LEAGUE WINS.
LEAGUE So you see, all monkeys are weak. Yet there is none so weak as the
Sportsmonkey.
11) GRAPHICS PACKAGE - DAY IN MY LIFE
LEAGUE V/0 July 12th 1993.
GRAPHIC OF DATE IN BIG LETTERS
LEAGUE V/0 A day that shall be enshrined for ever more in the minds of philosophers...
GRAPHIC SCRIBBLE OF SPIDER
LEAGUE V/0 ... and historians alike.
GRAPHIC SCRIBBLE OF ANT
LEAGUE V/0 For it was another Day In My Life!
GRAPHIC - "DAY IN MY LIFE"
12) LEAGUE BIT - LIVE IN CLUUB
LEAGUE'S SELF APPROVING FACE ON BACK SCREEN
LEAGUE O your wisdom! "The pen is mightier than the sword" you claim. Very well, get your pens, essay writers! Prepare to have your logic tested by (cold) steel.
WHIPS OUT SWORD
LEAGUE And you say "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword". Indeed. Likewise he who lives by the pen/fax machine/word processor. All shall die by the sword. Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune.
IMAGE ON THE BIG SCREEN OF A TANK. THE LEAGUE'S SMUG HEAD POPS OUT OF THE TURRET.
LEAGUE Thought! The secret of a good poem is to repeat the first line at or near the end.
FAKE APPLAUSE OF FALSE AUDIENCE
LEAGUE I remember when I had a job - in a library. Within a week I had devised and implemented an entirely new system for cataloguing books. There were teething problems. Someone came in asking for "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera and I could not remember whether 'twas in the pile marked "shit" or the pile marked "toss". In fact it was outside. Burning. I give you, the winner of the "Shakespeare of the Year" award, 1983, Paul Hamilton.
FAKE APPLAUSE ON SCREEN. VERY BRIEF.
13) PAUL HAMILTON# 1 - VT INSERT
PAUL HAMILTON WILL MAINLY RECITE HIS POEMS STRAIGHT TO CAMERA. EACH WILL BE PRECEDED BY TWO SHORT INTRODUCTIONS. THE FIRST A VERBAL INTRO, USUALLY JUST THE TITLE, BUT WITH NO MORE THAN A COUPLE OF SENTENCES AT MOST. AFTER THIS WE GET HAMILTON'S PHYSICAL INTRODUCTION OF THE POEM - A QUICK THREE SECOND SHOT OF HIM DOING A "GESTUS", A CONTORTION OF HIS BODY TO REPRESENT THE ESSENCE OF THE POEM.
GRAPHIC Paul Hamilton. Shadows of Reflections.
BLEEDS INTO .... HAMILTON IN WATERLOW PARK IN HIGHGATE. HIS BACK IS TO THE CAMERA. HE IS LOOKING AT THE WILDFOWL ON THE LAKE. TINKLY SHIT MUSIC UNDER RICHARD. HE TURNS AROUND AND LEANS NONCHALANTLY AGAINST THE RAILS. HE IS HOLDING A SHEAF OF PAPERS IN A MANILA FOLDER.
HAMILTON Hi. My name's Paul Hamilton and I am a poet. These are extracts from my soon to be published anthology entitled "Shadows of Reflections". Hope you like them. (OPENS FOLDER) This poem is called "Confusion"
HE PREPARES HIMSELF TO READ. FADES TO BLACK.... FADES UP IN A NEUTRAL SLIGHTLY DARKENED SETTING. WE SEE HAMILTON FULL LENGTH IN TAI CHI TYPE JIM JAMS. HE IS DOING THE GESTUS OF CONFUSION.
CAPTION "Confusion"
FADE UP TO HAMILTON SITTING OUTSIDE A POSH HIGHGATE CAFE. HE PUTS DOWN HIS TINY COFFEE CUP AND ADDRESSES us.
HAMILTON And when you touched me in Highgate you left a piece of spinach on my thumb knuckle, green and dead like your daughter, Belinda.
CUT TO WATER IN SUNLIGHT. OVER THE NEXT TWO LINES THE PICTURE DEFOCUSES AND GOES ALL SPANGLEY AND DAPPLED
HAMILTON V/O It was not your fault she fell from the barge, and yet you will ever grieve and curse your failure to save her.
HAMILTON BACK AT CAFE. FOR REMAINDER WE DO A SLOW FOCUS IN ON HIS HEAD RIGHT UP TO HIS EYES. PERHAPS HE HAS A BIT OF DIRT OR FOOD ON HIS EYE THAT IS ANNOYING AND UNPLEASANT IN CLOSE-UP
HAMILTON And when you had left me I walked home and, with tears of joy and a sense of unimpeachable victory, I scraped the spinach against the moss. Weep no more, Glynis, the moss has taken her. Do you not see? Do you not see?
SADLY AND SLOWLY HIS EYES LOOK DOWN AND WE FOLLOW HIS GAZE DOWN TO THE TABLE, FINALLY RESTING ON AN OOZING JAM DOUGHNUT.
FADE OUT
14) TESTIMONIES OF THE SUB-WORMES #2 - VT INSERT
GRAPHIC Testimonies of the Sub-Wormes
STU IN Z CLOTHES AGAINST Z BACKGROUND
CAPTION No 675. Stewart. "I was a deaf."
STU I was a deaf. Before Cluub Zarathustra I was very complicated series of unnecessary operations with multi-organ malfunction, and bad face. I was written off as a dead, but now I am hippy. Hail Zarathustra!
15) LEAGUE BIT - LIVE CLUUB
BIG Z ON SCREEN BEHIND. BUTLER - ROGER IN BUTLER SUIT BUT WITH ONE WEBBED FOOT. LEAGUE WATCHES HIM COME ON, SLOWLY.
BUTLER Will you be requiring a harpist this evening Sir?
LEAGUE No.
BUTLER Then if that will be all, I'll bid you goodnight.
EXITS, WATCHED BY LEAGUE, SLOWLY
LEAGUE Have you anything to say? No? Then shut up! Unless you are a woman, in which case carry on: It's delightful. Women! (SUIT FLASH) I know! I know what you're wearing. Underneath. Knickers!
GETS OUT PAIR OF KNICKERS ON TONGS.... IMAGE RELAYED IN CLOSE UP TO BIG SCREEN
LEAGUE You don't like it do you, when I reveal the truth? What was much better hid. And you're thinking "Oh yes, we've got him, we've got that one, he's obsessed by our knickers, he's afraid of our knickers!" But look, they're on my head now, the boot's on the other foot! And you're thinking "Ah, he has seen through our knicker device. But we have our brassieres!" I too have one of your brassiers, and look, there in the nipple compartments! (HOLDS UP BRA TO CAMERA) My face! Thus I win!
ON SCREEN RELAYED CLOSEUP - BRA WITH PASSPORT PHOTOS IN CUPS
LEAGUE I give you the three best legal brains in the country
THREE Z PEOPLE WHIP OUT SWORDS FROM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. THEY HAVE BRAINS SKEWERED ON THEM.
LEAGUE ...in kebab form. Lawyers, I kebab your brains! Thought! Horses sweat, gentlemen perspire, women sweat and perspire. And shit and piss and menstruate. But you'd never guess that to look at them. With their faces...
DRUMMING
LEAGUE I do not speak to men. For in comparison to me all men are women. I do not speak to women. Unless they are Supermodels. And then I speak only to them for six seconds. Any longer, they can trace the call. And anyway - how long does it take to say "virgin-bitch-whore-angel-mother, will you marry me?" Five seconds, I think you'll find....
FALSE APPLAUSE FROM FALSE AUDIENCE ON SCREEN ... POSSIBLE DIFFERENT SOUND EFFECT OVER IT. AMUSED SURPRISE? COOING? AAAAH?
LEAGUE Thought! Men on average think about sex once every four minutes. I make a point of thinking about sex every two seconds - which makes me 120 times more manly than the rest of you.
FALSE APPLAUSE FAKE AUDIENCE
LEAGUE (CUTS OFF APPLAUSE) But what of the Slavs?
CAPTION ON SCREEN "THE SLAVS" UNDER PICTURE OF SLAVS. CUT TO OPERA DEVICE IN POSITION
OPERA DEVICE (SINGING, TITLES SCROLLING ...)
The Slaavs yearn for freedom, but who can escape the destiny that is spelling.
GRAPHIC "Spelling"/"Destiny" - FLASHING ALTERNATELY
16) HATS #2 - VT INSERT
ON ROAD. ROGER AND THE LEAGUE MEET ON THE ROAD. ROGER IS DRESSED FINE AND DANDY, AND HAS A MID-HEIGHT HAT MADE TO LOOK LIKE A CASTLE TURRET WITH A FLAG ON TOP WITH ROGER'S FACE ON IT. THE LEAGUE BOWS TO HIM. THE SHOT BEGINS ON FLAG FACE AND PANS OUT TO ROGER.
ROGER You bow? That is an act of supplication
LEAGUE Indeed. But it is also the act ... of a cannon.
TOP OF LEAGUE'S HAT SWINGS OFF, A FLAP OPENING, AND THE HAT-CANNON FIRES, BLOWING ROGER'S TURRET HAT TO PIECES AND THE FLAG IS ON FIRE. CLOSE UP ON BURNING FLAG.
LEAGUE Thus I win
SILHOUETTE, DISTANCE, WALKING AWAY .... VIOLIN MUSIC STARTS... INTO ...
17) LEAGUE BIT/VIOLINS - LIVE CLUUB
TWO PRETTY VIOLINIST WOMEN ARE PLAYING DISCORDANTLY, SEATED ON STOOLS AT LIP OF STAGE. LEAGUE APPROACHES FROM BEHIND AND LAYS HIS HANDS ON EACH OF THEIR HEADS. THEY BEGIN TO PLAY BEAUTIFULLY TOGETHER. LEAGUE SPEAKS OVER.
LEAGUE What is the mark of greatness? You may tell a great man by his face. He must have this face.
WE SEE IMAGE OF LEAGUE'S FACE WITH THE CAPTION "FOUND A RELIGION" FLASHING BENEATH.
LEAGUE On second thoughts, don't bother. You're not worthy.
18) TATOU #2 - VT INSERT
BLACKNESS - BREATH SOUND. MUSIC - RICHARD. SAME SETTING AS THE START OF SHOW ETC...
HARRY Tatou! Tatou!
TATOU Oui
HARRY Pense tu que je suis un chien?
TATOU Non
HARRY Pasque ju ne suis pas
TATOU Ah oui je sais tu est un homme
HARRY C'est vrais.
19) PROPAGANDA PACKAGE - VT PACKAGE
SIREN AND THEN CLUUB Z MUSIC (RICHARD) UNDER AS AT START
GRAPHIC/ LEAGUE V/O Attention Scum!
LEAGUE V/O You think you're so..
SOUND STOPS. CLIP OF A LION ROARING
LEAGUE V/O But you're not even..
SOUND STOPS. A TINY KITTEN MEWLING
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O This is your family/ Your family.
PICTURE OF FOUR SACKS OF RUBBISH, WITH AN ARROW/CIRCLE HIGHLIGHTING THE SMALLEST, SAYING "you"
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O This is where you belong!
PICTURE OF DUSTBIN
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your Mother/This is your mother.
PIC - WITKIN P. 12 WITHOUT BRIDAL DRESS
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your Brother/Your brother
PIC - WITKIN P. 18
CAPTION/ LEAGUE V/O Your Father/Your father
PIC - WITKIN COVER
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your sister.
PIC - WITKIN P.59
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your Religion/ This is your religion
PIC OR PREFERABLY CLIP OF FAT PEOPLE EATING BURGERS, POSSIBLY SPEEDED UP, WITH GLUTTONY CHOMPING SOUNDS
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your church/This is your church!
STILL OF SHOPPING CENTRE/QUICK SHOT OF ARNDALE, TREATED IN SOME WAY
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/OYour God/And this is your God
PICTURE OF A RONALD MACDONALD
CAPTION/LEAGUE V/O Your Highest Ambition/This is your highest ambition
PIC OF LOUNGE, COUPLE SITTING IN IT - CLICHE PHOTO BOOK "IMAGE BANK 2" 5 C18 342 E or ROOM C18 270 F
LEAGUE V/O This - is mine!
STILL OF THE PLANET SATURN - BOOK - Cl 8 25 7 C
20) LEAGUE BIT/MESSENGER #2 - LIVE IN CLUUB WITH VT INSERTS
LEAGUE FACE ON BACK SCREEN
LEAGUE I decree that history is to be rewritten, this time without any punctuation, so that it is Just one long sentence linked together by the phrase, "And then what happened was..."
MESSENGER ENTERS AS BEFORE. BLOWS HORN. UNFURLS SCROLL.
MESSENGER Hail League!
LEAGUE Hail Messenger. What news?
MESSENGER Strange news, oh League: bluff. bbuff. mnyyah nyaaah nff.
LEAGUE Strange news indeed. Begone
MESSENGER LEAVES
21) TESTIMONY #3 - VT INSERT
SCENE - ROGER TO CAMERA, IN Z CLOTHES, AGAINST A Z LOGO BACKGROUND
CAPTION no. 7689. Roger. "My shorter leg grew up instantly."
ROGER One of my legs, he is always shorter than the other. At Cluub Zarathustra my shorter leg grew up instantly, and now both leg equal/now he is double the length of other. Hail Zarathustra!
22) COKE IS IT - GRAPHICS PACKAGE
A BAD DRAWING OF A CAN OF COKE WITH "Coke is it!" WRITTEN NEXT TO IT IN SCAGGY WRITING
LEAGUE V/O Coke is it! claim the Americans. But their error is clear and it is easily corrected.
A BAD DRAWING OF A CAN OF COKE WITH "It is Coke" WRITTEN NEXT TO IT IN SCAGGY WRITING.
LEAGUE It is Coke. And of no value.
23) LEAGUE BIT/-LIVE CLUUB
LEAGUE I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that 1 could meet Oscar Wilde. 1 said to him, Have you anything to declare?" He said 1 have nothing to declare but my genius." I said, "I shall put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on earth bar none and have two sharp fists to prove it.
APPLAUSE FROM SCREEN AUDIENCE
LEAGUE If a tree falls in a forest in a forest and there is nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound? Hmmmmmm.
24) THE FOOLE - VT INSERT
TREE FALLS IN A FOREST IN SLOW MOTION. THERE IS NO SOUND, UNTIL AFTER THE DUST HAS SETTLED.
TREE Ouch!
THE LEAGUE WALKING THROUGH A/THE FOREST.
LEAGUE Yes
UP ABOVE THE LEAGUE IN A TREE, IN A NEST, IS THE FOOLE. ROGER, ON KNESS IN MEDIEVALY CLOTHES. A TINY BURST OF A DAINTY FLUTE THEME WHICH WE WILL COME TO ASSOCIATE WITH HIS MISCHIEF.
FOOLE Good evening Nuncle
LEAGUE Good evening foole
FOOLE SWINGS DOWN THE TREE WITH MONKEY-APLOMB.
FOOLE Now ABC and 123 riddle me this my riddle me roo.
I span a river, but I am not a bridge.
I
keep soup hot, but I am not a thermos.
I receive television
pictures, but I am not an aerial. What am I?
LEAGUE I don't know
FOOLE I'm a liar! Ha ha! Goodbye Nuncle!
FLUTE THEME. THE FOOLE SWINGS BACKWARDS UP THE TREE WITH THE SAME EASE. Reversefilm?
25) WINNERS & LOSERS - VT PACKAGE INSERT
LEAGUE V/O In this world there are winners ....
WINNERS; STILL, BOOK IMAGE C18 48J, C18 44L, JON THODAY & RICHARD ALLEN TURNER, C18 280F, C18 57C, C18 314F, C18 321A
LEAGUE V/O And losers ....
LOSERS; STILL BOOK PICS - C18 2821, ROGER MANN, C18 348A, C18 38E, C18 45N, C18 68A
LEAGUE V/O And of course the "others........
ON THE SCREEN APPEAR THE WORDS: "THE OTHERS" AN IMAGE OF A BIG CROWD OF NONDESCRIPT PEOPLE FOLLOWED BY.. SLIDES THAT WE HAVE OF OLD LADIES, STUDENTS, SHOWADDYWADDY, SURREAL BABIES, FISH... THE WORDS "THE OTHERS" ON REVERB BY OPERA DEVICE OVER AND OVER AGAIN...
LEAGUE Who comprise the majority.
26) LEAGUE BIT/EDGAR - LIVE CLUUB
ON SCREEN BEHIND - SIMON'S FACE
LEAGUE I remember once I visited a steelworks to have some gloves made. I stood at the entrance to the blast furnace - so that I might intimidate the flames. The foreman came to me and said "You are a fool" As I pushed him in I said, You are fuel". Question. What happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object? Let us see. Behold an unstoppable force (HOLDS UP HIS FIST). Behold an immovable object (INDICATES HIS CHIN). Let us perform an experiment....
BRIEF BURST OF 2001 THEME. LEAGUE PUNCHES SELF SLOWLY ON CHEEK. CLOSE UP OF FIST MOVING IN 5 LIKE THE STICK SPINNING ROUND IN 2001...
LEAGUE Nothing. What did you expect - sparks? Oh very well then, sparks!
LOTS OF SPARKS & EXPLOSIONS. Z PEOPLE RUNNING AWAY. THE STAGE OPENS UP. DRY ICE AND HORROR ORGAN MUSIC - RICHARD?. A PLATFORM RISES UP THROUGH THE STAGE UNTIL EDGAR SITS TEN FEET ABOVE ALL. HE MIMES STROKING A CAT WHICH ESCAPES. THERE IS A FIRE AND A BOOKCASE ON THE PLATFORM. PAUSE. ON SCREEN - FIRE?
EDGAR Do I intrigue you?
Let me assure you that I can never tolerate a bird in my house. Oooh, i have nothing against our feathered friends, indeed I sponsor a penguin. But i suffer from an allergy which, in the presence of a bird, renders me as helpless as wet toilet tissue trapped in the blades of a helicopter rotor. I mention this only because it makes the events of that afternoon seem all the more remarkable. It was a Sunday and my family were coming to dinner. My mother, my father, and Terence Trent D'Arby. For this auspicious visit from my family I had quite naturally plumped for a family sized chicken with which to feed them, and plumped was the operative word for it was a fine capon... I was placing my family sized chicken in the fridge when the phone rang.
My family had been wiped out in a car crash.
When I next looked at my family sized chicken, ONLY THE BEAK REMAINED.
FADE LIGHT. PLINTH DESCENDS BACK INTO THE BOWEL OF CLUUB Z. ORGANS.
27) UGLIEST BABY - STUDIO
GRAPHIC CLOSE UP OF WORD "PITY", FLASHING, DISPLAY
LEAGUE Pity....
WORD ECHOES "PITY PITY PITY PITY"...
LEAGUE ... the mother of the ugliest baby on earth.
SAD MUSIC - RICHARD. SALLY COMES ON IN RAGS, HOLDING BUNDLE OF BABY
LEAGUE How's things?
SALLY His name's David.
EXITS WEEPING
LEAGUE But remember the greatest ugliness of all is shame. (SLY WINK)
28) TESTIMONIES OF THE SUB-WORMES #4 - VT INSERT
GRAPHIC Testimonies of the Sub-wormes
SPORTSMONKEY/PLAY NO VOLLEYBALL (Kevin) IN Z CLOTHES IN Z PLACE
CAPTION No. 239. Sportsmonkey. "I was Sportsmonkey."
KEVIN TAKES OFF MONKEY MASK
KEVIN I was Sportsmonkey. Now I am Bookworm. Hail Zarathustra.
29) HAT #3 - VT INSERT
SCENE - AS BEFORE. THE ROAD. LEAGUE AND ROGER STAND NEXT TO EACH OTHER. THEY HAVE EQUALLY SIZED HATS. ROGER'S WITH A ROGER SYMBOL ON IT WHERE SIMON'S TRIANGLE SYMBOL IS. ROGER BLOWS INTO HIS SLEEVE AND HIS HAT EXPANDS. AS BEFORE.
ROGER I have the tallest hat.
LEAGUE There is height. But there is also - width.
LEAGUE TURNS, KNOCKING ROGER OVER WITH HIS CANOE SHAPED HAT. hat c. see hat appendix
LEAGUE Thus I win.
30) LEAGUE BIT/ARMPITS INTRO - LIVE CLUUB
LEAGUE Viva Slapstick!!
FIVE TEAM Z MEMBERS IN LINE, PUT CUSTARD PIES IN OWN FACES ON SIGNAL 5 PROUDLY
LEAGUE I remember when I stood in Hyde Park, on a plinth, in the nude, pretending to be a monument to extreme physical beauty. And young maidens, in floods, would pass by, pointing at my member and whimpering to their guardians "Ooooh - is that what it looks like?" And their guardians would reply, "Alas no, that is an exaggeration."
THE LEAGUE WRYLY FLASHES HIS ELECTRIC SUIT
LEAGUE I am a breaker of law tables. I hereby repeal your ten commandments. I give you your new "one commandment"...
DRUM ROLL. BIG SCREEN DISPLAYS LARGE FLASHING "WASH". OPERA DEVICE SINGS "Wash!"
LEAGUE Keep your stench from my nostrils. And you say "How can you tell us to wash when it is well known that you alive not washed these past two thousand years?" O sometimes I smell my armpits and I am thrown into a profound reverie. What is that odour?, I ponder. Oh yes. Genius. And you say "cleanliness is nest to godliness". Indeed. And the chip shop is next to the hairdressers. It does not persuade me to visit either.
FALSE APPLAUSE FROM NON CROWD - ALL IN GLASSES NOW!!!
31) TESTIMONIES OF THE SUBWORMES #4 - VT INSERT
RICHARD IN Z CLOTHES IN Z PLACE
GRAPHIC Testimonies of the Sub-wormes
CAPTION No. 9876. Richard. "I can speak".
RICHARD Before I come Cluub Zarathustra I am brought up by wolves in the wild. Now I can speak. And drink out of cups. And my world is an oyster. Thank you Cluub Zarathustra.
32) HATS #4 - IN STUDIO
LEAGUE'S FACE ON SCREEN AT BACK
STU AT FRONT OF STAGE, TALKING TO CAMERA. MIDSHOT
STU How should you judge a man? By his race? By his religion? By his views? By his sex? By his accent? By his...
LEAGUE(OFF) Yes!
STU LOOKS CONFUSED AND TURNS TOWARDS LEAGUE.
LEAGUE Yes! By all of these things! But most importantly, by his hat.
STU Hat?
LEAGUE Hat!
STU I haven't got a hat.
FILM SPOOL APPEARS TO RUN OUT....
33) THE APOLOGY - VT INSERT
GRAPHIC: Insert More Money
We sit around and briefly explain what would have happened here if we'd had the money. One take to cheap tape...
PAINFULLY BRIGHT.
34) CLOSING TITLES
What can we afford? Maybejust a Z at this point with necessary info scrolled over it, whilst the improvised dialogue about the lack of enough money is heard over it, coughing, the striking of matches, scraping of chairs, people saying goodbye to each other, "See ya then " etc.... doors shutting. "No, no, it was good, I think they should be able to get some idea of what it might be like....... Roger is the last to leave.
35) TATOU #3 - VT INSERT (after end)
HARRY Tatou!
TATOU Oui!
HARRY Je ne ..
TATOU Oui! Tu n'est pas un chien - je sais.
WE HEAR THREE GUNSHOTS. HARRY FALLS TO THE GROUND DEAD. TATOU MOVES TO HIM. HE KNEELS BY HARRY AND LIFTS UP HIS TAIL, A DOG'S TAIL
TATOU Alors, Il etait un chien apres tout. (TO CAMERA) Il etait un chien apres tout.
IMPRESSIVE FILM ENDING. CHORDS FADE. BLACK.
36) GRAPHIC
Z... Producer Sam Pinnell etc.
