Hgheeehhlllo.  I'm Rory Ford, the bolshy Scottish one from that Jon Ronson documentary about the Perrier Award that was on Channel 4 a few years back.  Danny Wallace can't do the page this week because he's too much of a cunt (as we affectionately say in Scotland) so I've been asked to take over.  Hope you enjoy it.

Choose life, choose a job, choose...oh, I do beg your pardon.  This is the bit of the page where you beg my indulgence for a bit.  You fockin' Annglish think you're so clever.  Well prepare to have your knowledge tested by a hard Gaelic warrior.  You wee shites, etc.

Q. Dear Rory, do you think it's right that Nica Burns should get a bunch of gushing idiots together every year to basically be a living frontispiece to her ridiculous Perrier choices?
Matthew Pub, Bristol

You're quite right, Matthew. Jack Dee is a comedian. However, according to Jack, it can be hard work! 'It can be quite hard work,' he told me, today.

Q. Dear Rory, where can I get some stuff?
Jon Ronson, World Of Wonder

Well, Jon, I'd try Jools Holland or Stephen Frost.  They do pretty good deals for media insiders like yourself.

Q. Dear Rory, I've just given a friend of mine a five-star review in The Scotsman and he hasn't even got a show on at the moment.  Do you think this is unethical?
Anya, Watford

Fock you.

Q. Dear Rory, where do you get those cool shades from?
Kinder Surprise, The Industry

Glad you asked me that, Kinder.  I got them from 'Shades' in Edinburgh (next door to 'Spikes' the gents hairdressers).

And now here's a question for you, Kinder.  How come you act all sweet and innocent on the forum these days when you used to be a mad cow making adult comments about Patrick Marber and obscure jokes about Parsons & Naylor?

We Scots know a thing or two about blind anger so it gives me great pleasure to sound off about one or two things that have really been getting my Gaelic goat over the past few days.

This week I'm especially furious about the price of Volvic water (as partaken by me in that snack bar in Edinburgh while Jon Ronson told me about Anya being friendly with Ian Shuttleworth).  Something should really be done.  Still, it's much better than swallowing Perrier...

Grrr, snarl.  Well that's it for me.  I'm off now to slam the door behind me.  And be incoherent with rage in general.  So until next time goodbye.  Gnash!