'No way bucko'? Oh dear. What does that remind me of?

Absolutely Productions currently seem to be devoted to making things which aren't as good as 'Absolutely'.

The show has actually been repeated on Paramount though, hasn't it? They even put out a few first series shows a while back (when they had a 'covenient slot' - otherwise it was all series 3).

When you talk of Absolutely, do you mean that shite Jack Docherty was in? That fucking sucked big time.

No it did *not* suck. Diminishing returns tainted the last series, certainly, but the first two and parts of the third ("Who d'you think we're not now? Give up? Ok, close the door, close the door!") were genius. I still readily laugh my arse off at my fading 1991 vidos.

Maybe they have been on Paramount - sadly I've been without access to it for nearly a year.

Absolutely was mostly fatnastic, and it's exactly the sort of thing Paramount might latch on to if they can tear themselves away from yet more Monty Python repeats.

I have just dug out tapes of the second series in their unedited glory- fantastic they are too.

If you want someone to re-run them, don't bother with Paramount. Channel Four want the re-run rights for all their material to lapse to them (as in the case of Father Ted) so they can be run on E4. If you want to see them in all their glory contact E4 and lobby them for it.

Sorry, I'm very ignorant - E4? Whassat?

I badly need to get Digital TV, if only to watch endless UK Play "Fast Show Weekends".

*retch*

E4 is the new digital station from Channel 4 that focuses solely on entertainment, hence the E.

Well, with a bit of luck, C4 might get it right and show decent repeats covering a wide spectrum of comedy, rather than the turgid regurgitated shite that UK Play endeavours to thrust upon an unquestioning, plebbian public drunk on mediocrity and familiarism.

Hey, who do I sound like? ;) Well, the truth hurts.

>Well, with a bit of luck, C4 might get it right and show decent repeats covering a wide spectrum of comedy, rather than the turgid regurgitated shite that UK Play endeavours to thrust upon an unquestioning, plebbian public drunk on mediocrity and familiarism.
>

I doubt it. Father Ted and Ali G, plus a 'Best of Borat'...
>Hey, who do I sound like? ;) Well, the truth hurts.
>

Isn't E4 going to be full of (quote) 'new, innovative programming', i.e. 'new, tedious shite presented by someone off Big Brother.' And repeats of Friends, natch.

It would be marvellous if E4 (or even Paramount when it expands it's programming hours next year) set aside three or four hours per night to show a whole series of Absolutely, Who Dares Wins, hell, even Arthur and Phil Go Off back to back overnight. One can but dream.

Were you paraphrasing 'no way, bucko'? And if not, who at Absolutely said it?

I dunno, I can't remember. I've had enough of all this Abergavenny, I'm off to Club Sboncyn for a nice sensible pint of cheesewater.

Grendel - you are one hot chick.

I've brought you a carburettor from my Ford Escort... etc.

So, how's the old Perkins?

"Well, wife of mine and mother of my family, that really was the most delicious yellow food I've EVER tasted..."

(I really must back up my series one vids before they snap through overwatching.)

Would there be any chance of a copy (expenses paid, natch) of the Series One for a lonely Absolutely nut who's never had the chance to see it? I offer money, sex and all the Old Fflegm Lovely Beer you can drink.

"To the radiogram!"

I'm going to try and organise a Video-to-Video copying session soon. If I do, I'll run off some spares and we'll do some black-market trading.
Ach-y-fi.

Wicked, cheers.

"The landlord said to me, Frank, why don't you use the Ladies? But they wouldn't keep still".

"Gwynned, how many times have I told you, never, ever use the hoover.. ever"

Oh frig, Absolutely really was far too funny for it's own good. The very fact my series 2 and 3 vidos still make me wet myself after watching them for 8 years says something. Anyway, on to slagging off the Fast Show.

As an addendum, I've just been idly considering what parts of 'Absolutely' could be considered truly 'dark' to use the current comedic buzzword (in the incorrect sense).

The whole Calum Gilhooley/John Docherty stuff from series 2 should be shown to all these current buzzword-purveyors to really show them that DARK means far more than soundtracks, creepy lighting and field-removed video. The one where John is standing in the middle of a shopping precinct yelling "WILL YOU PLEASE ALL LEAVE ME ALONE?" at the top of his voice, only to be confronted by Calum rabbiting on about Bananas and Balize (prior to Calum getting a swift punch in the stomach) is as unsettling as it is funny. Ditto the courtroom sketch - despite some great one-liners, John's weary "Will you please, please send me to prison" is dripping with the stuff. Marvellous.

Morwenna Banks' "Little Girl" goes for the darkness jugular quite often - there's something genuinely horrifying about her description of hospitals.

And Frank Hovis? Bert Bastard when he's reading his suicide note? There's the dark side of humanity laid bare and ridiculed.

I'm currently relying on fading memories of Denzil, Stonybriggs and this site to remind me that the series actually existed. If any tapes are going around, let me know. Thanks.

1."What about Travel In Time?"
"Oh yes, markedly different. Man invents time machine, travels back to 1965 and shoots Geoff Hurst."

2. "...And I found that after about thirty or forty pints of rager, I couldn't walk!"

3. "And how am I supposed to address the Welsh Institute Of Wrwood, dressed like a twit. I look like somebody from Llanelli!"

4. "Great - the movie's Die Hard. I love Bob Willis."

5. "I don't need glasses, then?"
"You don't need glasses now."

Five moments of genius (among dozens more) from two random series 3 episodes.

Pull your fingers out, E4! (Or Paramount.)

Yes, OK, #2 of that list was from a third episode of series 3. Just try and stop watching one show after another!

George, I've got a very old tape of one series, not sure which one (the one with Putting Children To Use - anyone?). I'm sending it to Jon, but I could get him to send it to you after he's watched it. Sorry, not able to make copies.

Thanks Ewar, I'll be in touch.

There was three clips from Absolutely in *Hoots* on BBC1 last night. (Don't ask - terrible programme, but I'll save that for another thread....)

The credits didn't show Absolutely Productions or Paramount, but Channel 4. Does this mean that they still hold the rights?

Darkness in Absolutely?

What about Bert going through his friends' phone numbers in series one?

"Dead... Dead... Dead... Dead... Deaf... No point phoning 'im then... Dead... Dead... All dead. Bastards."

Did John Sparkes sue Paul Whitehouse for Unlucky Alf? He should have done.

Oh, and Jack Docherty's art student making a Pasolini wedding video for his sister.

And not dark at all, but hilarious (in a Fry and Laurie way) The Ancient Art of Waku-Taki. "Very popular with... the LADIES!"

Why were the compilation videos such shit selections of sketches, by the way?

http://www.absolutely-uk.com/

It's all Stressed Eric and Armstrong & Miller, but you do at least get to hear Pete Baikie's fab lounge music from the sketch in which the 'frightfully clever' pianist makes lunch in a restaurant.

Baikie should put *all* his songs online in our view.

Absolutely - Learn Scots sketch:

"Ah it canna be"
"Oh it cannot be"

"Ah it willna be"
"Oh it will not be"

"Ah it canna willna hurly burly etc etc (Scottish gibberish)"
"Oh but it is - I'm very annoyed with the newsagent."

E4 - repeat Absolutely. NOW!

That piece of lounge music is called "Tico Tico" - I heard it on Radio 2 a few weeks ago in a Wurlitzer organ arrangement. All I could think of was Baikie grinning.

Al - God E4 should repeat Absolutely. They won't, though. What clots they are.

No, *Channel* 4 should repeat Absolutely. If they stuck it on E4 it would just infuriate me further.

>No, *Channel* 4 should repeat Absolutely. If they stuck it on E4 it would just infuriate me further.

You are, of course, right Ewar. It's just that nearly eight years of waiting for repeats on C4 has led to dulling of my brain, and assumption that this will never happen.

"How did you *know* my sister is a midget?!"

"HOW CAN YOU BE *BOTHERED* TO BE *BOTHERED* ABOUT THAT???"

"My Dad was a kid. But he couldn't keep it up."

"What's that you got by there, boy?

Pair of shoes, is it?"

Y'know, I reeeeealy wish my tape of Absolutely series two hadn't got chewed up in my old Ferguson Videostar and got thrown away. The only quote I can remember off-hand now is:

"I'm hard, me. I'm having a heart attack.. now!"

nb. Earlier in this thread I stated that E4 would be full of crap shows hosted by Big Brother contestants. I have since learned that one such show is to be hosted by such a person. The 'Mel' one. Yes.

>"I'm hard, me. I'm having a heart attack.. now!"

"I'm too haaaaard for an anaesthetic, see. I say pull 'em teeth out, gooboy, an' I'll sing you a sonng..."

Wasn't there a sketch about something like a cleaner who was being tailed by police and had "done three houses already"???

"Hey that's Wullie - he must have got his van fixed - see you later gang!"

"1941 - I don't know how you ever expected to get that one back..."

"I can go past your window! I can do anything, anything anything..."

"Change your face and you'll change your life..."

And look at this man.

So he started world war two.

So he was responsible for the deaths of millions.

But he had a PROPER BLOODY HAIRCUT!

"Bruce, it's your wife! She doesnae wanna marry you!"

"Well, tell her the divorce is off.......:

"I can remember when all this was Perkins. And then the Perkins came. And they tore the Perkins out of this Perkins, Perkins."

"No, it's not lovely, I'm afraid, it's just like every other baby in the world; an ugly little pink bag of shit"

"Do you know the speed limit around here, sir?"
"Yes, 40 miles an hour"
"And do you know how fast you were going?"
"Yes, I do, 70 miles and hour"
[Pause]
"Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Yes, eight pints and a bottle of brandy, now piss off!"

'How can you be BOTHERED to be BOTHERED about that?'

Excuse me but this is crap isn't it?

Yes, sing for us, do.

>'How can you be BOTHERED to be BOTHERED about that?'

We've done that!

Have you got any left over from the Band Aid video?

A wonderful place. All coffee and football.

'Thank you, father - you're firm but firm...'

Look father it's Mr Louvee Poumpe and Mrs Biche Quain come to see you.

(Damn this gammy phonetic spelling.)

"Oh no, it's Callum! I haven't seen him for two years! We'll have to catch up on all his news, which in itself will take another two years!"

"I'm not snaking off down to Millwall every Saturday in the company of a stammering Artful Dodger"

(Docherty in desperation to be free of him:)
"Callum, would you like to buy my flat for ten pounds?"

(Hunter:)
"Well... I've no' had a survey done..."

'You know, the trouble I find with comedy...is that I never know when to laugh!'

'Now, what about those lovely Oxfam presents that Malcolm and Helen gave us...?'

'Yes, I think this is them in the bin...'

"Shut up you, Aberystwyth face..."

"And how am I supposed to address the Wwwwwelsh Institute of Wwwwwood looking like a twit?? I look like somebody from Llanechli!"

Oooo, fuck, Absolutely was just too fucking funny. We need all four series repeated in their entireties RIGHT NOW, if only to show all these pretenders what real comedy is all about.

"Stoneybridge..."
"Home of the people who live here"

Pour l'argent?
Non, pour le prestige et l'argent

('scuse the French)

"You don't think you could just give him a bell then?"

"Shave..... P'rhaps not."

"I 'ave' brought you the carburettor from a Ford Escort..."

'snot fair. Can't join in because my fvourite gags were quite visual.

D' you no think we're overstretching ourselves a snatch?

No offence intended, maigret.

If being bald and quite interesting was an Olympic sport, then surely Wully McFee would be there or thereabouts.

If we could get him out the pub. Oh-hah!

Ah, yes! You have to get up pretty early in the morning... if you want to watch TVam.

Sorry to spoil the flow but why does the Absolutely Productions� website make no mention of their creation? Is it a copyright thing or is it that they don�t want it to show up the other rather bland offerings currently on the site?

Anyway.

You haven�t got rats again, have you?

>'snot fair. Can't join in because my fvourite gags were quite visual.

Beep... beep... beep...

*hums 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'*

*wiggles fingers*

I'd like to book a flight please.
* Right, where are you going?
I'm going to see Gavin, my mate...

--

Could you spell that please?
Yes, G for.... er... G for gnome...
Gnome?!
Yes that's G for gnome, N for... gnome...

A lovely little Welsh number. A Gwylim Tidy.

Do not be frightened, please thank you, febus I'm only gonna have a look for heaven's sake.

Can't remember the exact wording, but:
"Ah, but our TV's over there"

>Do not be frightened, please thank you, febus I'm only gonna have a look for heaven's sake.

OK I give in. I don't remember that one.

Brucie, I'm being ravished by teuchters

>>Do not be frightened, please thank you, febus I'm only gonna have a look for heaven's sake.
>
>OK I give in. I don't remember that one.


It's the little girl talking about the dentist, isn't it?

>It's the little girl talking about the dentist, isn't it?

Just before he climbed in her mouth to 'have an adventure'.

Ha ha, you're late, take this recipe three times a day.

In six month's time you'll have a Chelsea Bun that you never had before

"Just think Donald.. four bicycle pumps.. lightly smeared in butter... the word "stupid" doesn't float by?"

"What does stupid mean again?"

"It means bicycle pumps when we already have about four million!!!"

"What are you reading?"

"The Gas Board Employee's Regulations"

"Any good?"

"It's alright, but it's hardly Dickens."

"Hardly Dickens? Any relation to Charles?"

"Let's have a look. Ah, here it is. 'Hardly Dickens is the great great grandchild of Charles Dickens. He was a gas board employee for over thirty years. He lives in Dorset with a pullover. This is his first book.'"

"George You're Simply The Best - the game designed by George to be won by George..."

"Bruce... in action."

"I've been rearranging my tapes into alphabetical order - which was fine until I got to 'The The'"

>"I've been rearranging my tapes into alphabetical order - which was fine until I got to 'The The'"

Surely it was along the lines of

"I've been rearranging my tapes in alphabetical order but I had a lot begining with The. So I started again but ignored The but then I got to The The so I threw them away"

Name?
Gilhooly
Can you spell it?
Yes thanks

"Canankerous" - *able* to be pleasant to we.

"You could call it 'Whose Corrugated Iron Is It Anyway?'!"

"One good cough and you're in all sorts of trouble."

"And Spencer's!"

"This man is the only man in the world to have brilliant veruccas. And certainly the only one who has photographs of them."

WENNA: They say it feels like the tip of your nose. I dunno, whadda you think - do you think your uterus feels like the tip of your nose?

JACK: (to audience, dumbfounded) This is a question I can *not* answer! I have known this woman for only six minutes and we're already swapping amusing uterus anecdotes...

>
>>"I've been rearranging my tapes into alphabetical order - which was fine until I got to 'The The'"
>
>Surely it was along the lines of
>
>"I've been rearranging my tapes in alphabetical order but I had a lot begining with The. So I started again but ignored The but then I got to The The so I threw them away"
>
Probably - I haven't seen Absolutely for a long a time because NO BUGGER WILL REPEAT ANY.

"William Shakespeare - you won't be seeing him again!"

"A monarchy has many advantages, one of which is, you can't be bloody king!"

We really have to stop this.

"How much is crisps?"