ENTER SERGEI BLOKE, a gun runner from Lithuania. He is carrying a toaster and a wind up toy dinosaur. His flatmate, STEVE is sitting at the kitchen table, tuning in a dodgy looking radio.

SERGEI BLOKE: What are you doing steve?

SERGEI SEARCHES FOR SOMEWHERE TO PUT THE TOY DINOSAUR. HE PUTS IT ON THE RADIO THAT STEVE IS TUNING IN. THEN HE MOVES IT AND PUTS IT ON TOP OF THE TOASTER.

STEVE:It was better on the radio.

THE BOTH LOOK KNOWINGLY INTO CAMERA

(Sorry Mr G - I laughed long and hard at this last posting and I'm tired and i just can't top it! I'll come back tomorrow.)

STEVEN SPEILBERG enters

STEVEN SPEILBERG: What's that? (pints at wind-up toy.) A dinosaur? A fucking dinosaur? Oh you cunt. (Produces Jurassic Park coypright conformation sheet)You thief.(Sulks)

GRAHAM CHAPMAN ENTERS, LAUGHING.

STEVE: Graham, I love your stuff. Are the Corpses wrong to have posted Out of the Trees? (Maybe, you know the them? Being a corpse I mean? Oh, you were cremated weren't you?) Are we risking turning you into some kind of comedy martyr who wouldn't have given a flying spaz about copyright? Are we using our fannish idea of your disregard for humbug to justify something that you wouldn't have wanted?

GRAHAM: Fuck all that. Let's have a pint.

The point is not that the pint must change but the new bulb must break the circle of mediocrity that bulbs have been trapped in. In about 1996 all the dials which govern the general expectations of beer were completely reset to 00 00 00 00. Right across the board. A 'Beer Zero' if you like. This meant that anything fantastic which was brewed over the previous few years was now completely wiped from common conciousness and anything brewed from thereon was given a whole new and worrying perspective.
This has resulted in pints/shorts / crisps/ nuts / pub fare in general being judged without recourse to what they have replaced. For instance a beer like Calders , instead of being a shallow and derivative missing-the-point-of-living rewrite of the pints of Caffreys, Kilkenny, etc, is accepted by some as new and exciting. 'John Smiths extra smooth' instead of being viewed as a vaguely intoxicating but-not-that-different-really ale is being described as 'daring to be quite unlike anything that's ever been supped before'. All this despite there being actual crystal clear evidence both in pubs and offys everywhere that much better and more innovative bitter had been used by an earlier generation.
The standard of expectation with beer users has dropped substantially. It would appear that nobody expects too much anymore so even the most shallow plagiaristic lager can be raised on high as a work of pure pint genius. And your average publican views this regrettable situation as an absolute Godsend.
People moan at us, claiming we favour earlier generations of pints work over the current crop. This isn't necessarily true - even a cursory look through the site will reveal where our drinking arms are aimed. Some have brought up the tedious accusation of looking at the past through beer-goggles. But this is also quite easily disprovable - with so much fantastic (or even mediocre) pints from the past safely ossified onto pavements there's no mistaking (or debating) that things were better, even a mere five years ago.
Without looking back we can't look forward. And without looking back properly all we're likely to get are received opinions based on skewed memories.
The point is, we're trying to put the past and the present into some form of perspective. Part of this is to avoid the over-generous hailing of modern pints as 'innovative' without checking out what's gone before. It would be a brave person who ever claimed to deliver innovation these days anyway, at least without changing the rules of expectation. If modern-day audiences claim that Morrels 'Dog's Bollocks' is fantastic because it 'gets everyone twatted' then they've obviously not experienced enough of ale history to realise how flat it actually is. If modern-day audiences claim that 'John Smiths extra smooth', ' is 'quite unlike anything ever attempted before' then they have obviously experienced no alchohol whatsoever.
A few people are angered by our use of the word 'noncy lightweights' to describe the sort of punters who are lazy in their pint choices and refuse to question their drinking. Well, hoorah for that. So now we all know that people don't like to be pigeon-holed by arrogant self-appointed guardians of the pint norm. But whereas we use that phrase as an obvious incitement to indignation, the media uses it far more insidiously and subtly. They have their own method of social grouping (AB1, AB2, etc) which governs the sort of pints we get to use. How many of you have complained about that? The trouble is, when people like Jane Root (BBC2 controller) start slicing up beer output into 'themes' (Smooth; Mixed; Pale Ale) then they are, quite deliberately, consulting a little folder with 'noncy lightweight-pleasers' written on it in florescent marker. They are discouraging people from making up their own minds about how drinking should be. And what's more, they have to power to do this without even offering a forum or debate on the subject. Don't ever forget that they have a deliberate policy about not taking e-mailed views seriously. Their 'Internet Zone' suggestions-folder is full of disparate views from people genuinely interested in alchohol. Their 'Pleb Zone' folder is bulging with nice middle-ground Basildon Bond 'Well done Youngs for another range of 'Ramrod' - more please' type scribblings. Which folder do you think they're going to present to the public? The whole thing is very creepy.
We've also been accused of misogyny. A furious woman has claimed that every time we mention a woman on the site we always follow it up with a derogatory comment. If anybody out there can find actual three-dimensional examples of this we'll be quite happy to explain that it was all a clever joke in a really patronising tone, giving well-argued examples along the way and swearing a bit...
Might be a good time to reiterate our remit here, following all the interesting assumptions on the forum. No, we're not failed bitter pint writers out for revenge. No, we're not using this site as a means to break into the pint scene. No, we don't hate all pints. We are just passionate pint fans who are very worried that things have gone awry. Our aim is to provide a reference point or soundboard for people who feel the same way. Whether or not we can use this platform to change things is debatable (the industry has money on its side - we don't) but we hope at least to stir things up a bit. We are planning some 'concrete action' which we'll mention in the next update. Stay tuned.

GRAHAM: What?

STEVE: Surely you're just rehashing the one idea that other forumwriters found funny

SERGEI: The point is not that the Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi must change but the new Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi must break the circle of mediocrity that bulbs have been trapped in. In about 1996 all the dials which govern the general expectations of beer were completely reset to 00 00 00 00. Right across the board. A 'Beer Zero' if you like. This meant that anything fantastic which was brewed over the previous few years was now completely wiped from common conciousness and anything brewed from thereon was given a whole new and worrying perspective.
This has resulted in Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi/shorts / crisps/ nuts / pub fare in general being judged without recourse to what they have replaced. For instance a beer like Calders , instead of being a shallow and derivative missing-the-point-of-living rewrite of the Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi of Caffreys, Kilkenny, etc, is accepted by some as new and exciting. 'John Smiths extra smooth' instead of being viewed as a vaguely intoxicating but-not-that-different-really ale is being described as 'daring to be quite unlike anything that's ever been supped before'. All this despite there being actual crystal clear evidence both in pubs and offys everywhere that much better and more innovative bitter had been used by an earlier generation.
The standard of expectation with beer users has dropped substantially. It would appear that nobody expects too much anymore so even the most shallow plagiaristic lager can be raised on high as a work of pure Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi genius. And your average publican views this regrettable situation as an absolute Godsend.
People moan at us, claiming we favour earlier generations of Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi work over the current crop. This isn't necessarily true - even a cursory look through the site will reveal where our drinking arms are aimed. Some have brought up the tedious accusation of looking at the past through beer-goggles. But this is also quite easily disprovable - with so much fantastic (or even mediocre) Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi from the past safely ossified onto pavements there's no mistaking (or debating) that things were better, even a mere five years ago.
Without looking back we can't look forward. And without looking back properly all we're likely to get are received opinions based on skewed memories.
The point is, we're trying to put the past and the present into some form of perspective. Part of this is to avoid the over-generous hailing of modern Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi as 'innovative' without checking out what's gone before. It would be a brave person who ever claimed to deliver innovation these days anyway, at least without changing the rules of expectation. If modern-day audiences claim that Morrels 'Dog's Bollocks' is fantastic because it 'gets everyone twatted' then they've obviously not experienced enough of ale history to realise how flat it actually is. If modern-day audiences claim that 'John Smiths extra smooth', ' is 'quite unlike anything ever attempted before' then they have obviously experienced no alchohol whatsoever.
A few people are angered by our use of the word 'noncy lightweights' to describe the sort of punters who are lazy in their Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi choices and refuse to question their drinking. Well, hoorah for that. So now we all know that people don't like to be pigeon-holed by arrogant self-appointed guardians of the Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi norm. But whereas we use that phrase as an obvious incitement to indignation, the media uses it far more insidiously and subtly. They have their own method of social grouping (AB1, AB2, etc) which governs the sort of Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi we get to use. How many of you have complained about that? The trouble is, when people like Jane Root (BBC2 controller) start slicing up beer output into 'themes' (Smooth; Mixed; Pale Ale) then they are, quite deliberately, consulting a little folder with 'noncy lightweight-pleasers' written on it in florescent marker. They are discouraging people from making up their own minds about how drinking should be. And what's more, they have to power to do this without even offering a forum or debate on the subject. Don't ever forget that they have a deliberate policy about not taking e-mailed views seriously. Their 'Internet Zone' suggestions-folder is full of disparate views from people genuinely interested in alchohol. Their 'Pleb Zone' folder is bulging with nice middle-ground Basildon Bond 'Well done Youngs for another range of 'Ramrod' - more please' type scribblings. Which folder do you think they're going to present to the public? The whole thing is very creepy.
We've also been accused of misogyny. A furious woman has claimed that every time we mention a woman on the site we always follow it up with a derogatory comment. If anybody out there can find actual three-dimensional examples of this we'll be quite happy to explain that it was all a clever joke in a really patronising tone, giving well-argued examples along the way and swearing a bit...
Might be a good time to reiterate our remit here, following all the interesting assumptions on the forum. No, we're not failed bitter Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi writers out for revenge. No, we're not using this site as a means to break into the Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi scene. No, we don't hate all Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi. We are just passionate Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi fans who are very worried that things have gone awry. Our aim is to provide a reference point or soundboard for people who feel the same way. Whether or not we can use this platform to change things is debatable (the industry has money on its side - we don't) but we hope at least to stir things up a bit. We are planning some 'concrete action' which we'll mention in the next update. Stay tuned.

GRAHAM: It's nearly 3am, and you're cut-and pasting is getting sloppy.

You're just rehashing the one idea that other forumwriters found funny.

SERGEI: But you are rehashing the criticism that I am rehashing the same idea.

(The COMEDY UNIVERSE implodes. 'The Fitz' is born)

[Enter DEIDRE THE CLEANING WOMAN]

DEIDRE[ridiculously false Northern accent, like that annoying woman in 'Frasier']: Lordy lawks, stop mithering, shape yourselves, I've got me cleaning to do...

SERGEI BLOKE: For God's sake, can't you all show more consideration? Have you forgotten that today is my first day of therapy?

THE OTHER ONE, CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO CHECK NAME: Blimey Sergei, I'd completely forgotten. Yes, that certainly opens up a whole new range of possibilities for our mundane circumstances to develop.

SERGEI: And I don't even know what this therapist is like! It could be a really attractive woman who challenges my misogyunistic attitudes and overt crapness at pulling birds!

THE OTHER ONE: Meanwhile I could be doing something really mad and strange...

SERGEI:... or a really camp bloke that challenges my latent homophobia/ homosexuality!

THE OTHER ONE: But what will it be?

SCENE 2.

EXT. ZOO. DAY.

JOHNNY MCINTYRE, A THIRTYSOMETHING WITH SCRUFFY HAIR IS SITTING ON A BENCH SHOUTING AT PASSERS-BY. HIS IS DRESSED IN BLACK & SMOKES A CIGARETTE.

JOHNNY:You freaks! You shuffling parade of self-satisfied turds! You come here to gawp at God's creatures when you should be out there in the real world, participating! Fucking dilletantes! This is society is it? Our dreams once forged in gold are left caked in shit and saturated with piss.

ENTER SIGOURNEY POTTER, A WOMAN IN HER FORTIES AND HER TWO 15 YEAR OLD TWINS, HELEN AND JAMES.

(cut to PARK KEEPER, crouching behind a bush watching all this through binoculars)

PARK KEEPER: Right. I'm going to put a stop to this.

(stands up and marches over)

PARK KEEPER: Now, stop all this at once. You kids are always swearing and talking about filth - don't you know this is a family website on the Joint Academic Network, and swearing is strictly forbidden?

(points at a "No Swearing by order of Joint Academic Network" sign)

FORUMWRITER: (holding transistor radio to ear and swinging hips petulantly) Oh get with the scene, old timer. Swearing and rude stuff is where it's at.

PARK KEEPER: Tut! I don't know What's got into you kids these days. What's wrong with a nice bit of Eddie Izzard with his harmless brand of surrealism, eh?

FORMWRITER: No way, grandparent. People only like him because Gary at work does. Hang on, was that Harry Hill? I'll just go and check. Won't be a sec.

(FORUMWRITER runs off. PARKKEEPER waits patiently for about a minute. FORUMWRITER returns, out of breath.)

FORUMWRITER: Yes, it was Harry Hill, sorry.

PARKKEEPER: Well, I was going to suggest him next, with his pleasant type of funny talking. Anyway, I suppose you prefer that awful Derek and Clive with their "fart" humour, do you?

FORUMWRITER: How DARE you say anything bad about Dudley Moore!! Don't you know he's got an ingrowing toenail and it's causing him slight annoyance? He needs rest - the last thing he needs right now is an unprovoked attack from the likes of you.

(The FORUMWRITER kicks the PARKKEEPER (who is a woman, aahhh, bet you weren't expecting that) in the cunt and stamps off.)

(The camera pans across the park, and we see some men in anoraks looking up at the park's new logo and arguing about whether it is as good as the old one.)

PARKKEEPER: (in pain) Got to go now - he just kicked me in the cunt.


SIGOURNEY POTTER: (angry) well, you've just ruined the chance of this sit-com getting on TV now, you bitch.

PARKKEPER: (embarresed) Oh, sorry

SIGOURNEY POTTER: At worst, you could have said "i've just been kicked in the fucking twat" and we could've have got a late-night showing on channel 4, but now - you've ruined it.

PARKKEEPER: alright, alright, don't keep going on about it.

(PARKKEPPER produces a gun at shoots self)

SIGOURNEY POTTER: Oh violence AND profanity. Very clever.

[3sec musical twizzle, improvized from playing Metallica mixed with the recorder, speeded up.]

HBO REPRESENTATIVE: I'm pleased to say that cunt can be used on HBO. I'm offering you a six-season contract.

SERGEI: Cunting great!

(SERGEI rims a 15 year-old boy)

HBO REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, although we can have extreme violence and extreme profanity, as we all know, teenage boys have no sexual feelings, and such a scene is abhorrent to Americans.

RUSSELL T DAVIES: Bugger that, I'm going to Showtime.

HBO REPRESENTATIVE: There's nothing wrong with fags- 'Sex & the City' has one semi-regular celibate gay character.

RUSSELL T DAVIES: Showtime said no.

HBO REPRESENTATIVE: Yeah, we don't want your faggy limey crap.

RUSSELL T DAVIES: Fuck you.

STUART ALAN JONES: Fuck you.

FERDY: Fuck you.

CARTMAN: F**k you.

LARRY SANDERS: Fuck you.

GINGER SEX & CITY GIRL: Fuck you. I've learned something today.

YOSSER: : Frig you.

TONY SOPRANO: Hey, Fuck you.

PRISONER #95S604 NINO SCHIBETTA: Fuck you you overrated asshole, I was there first.

STEVE: You're all just saying the same line with minor variations.

PA FITZ: Begorrah! Bjaysus! Feck off to bed!

INT. WINE BAR. DAY

TV's Hilarious Del Boy enters and falls through the bar

Chandelier falls on him.

(SIMON PEGG ENTERS. SOMEONE EMERGES FROM THE CROWD AND PUNCHES HIM REPEATEDLY. HE EXITS, HOLDING HIS NOSE IN A NAPKIN)

Enter ROBSEN GREEN. Audience figures double. He is wearing a blonde wig, and has a gun in one hand, and a can drugs in the other.

ROBSEN: (IN American accent) I hate myself and i want to die.

He puts the gun in his mouth, and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. He removes the gun, and grins broadly at the camera.

ROBSEN: Don't worry, i'm not going to do it yet. But tune in to ITV this wednesday, and you'll be able to view the premiere of "Nevermind: The story of Nirvana" starring me, Robsen Green, as Kurt Cobain, and featuring Stephen Tomkinson as Dave Grohl, John Thaw as Krist Novoselic, and Michelle Collins as Courtney Love. (He leans closer to the camera) And don't worry fans...(he winks)...this one has a happy ending.

HE walks off.

Enter LEE EVANS. Mutters something in a fake American accent, pulls a face, waves arms and then falls over whilst shouting "I'm not copying Norman Wisdom".


Scene fades out to the sound of dubbed laughter and applause.

SC.4 INT. POST OFFICE/BANK/SOMETHING LIKE THAT. DAY

There are no ridiculously long queues. In fact, there are no queues at all.

(SERGEI looks around with a puzzled expression)

SERGEI: OK, I'll have a 'P' please, Bob.

RICHARD WHITELY as ROBIN ROBINSON as BOB HOLNESS:

"OK, what P can be used to describe a being severely drunk after a heavy drinking session?"

CAROL VODERMAN as DAISY DONOVAN press buzzer:
"Plastered?"

Due to continuity error we see ROY WALKER:
"It's clever but it's not right. Sergei? - Don't forget, just say what you P".

CAROL: err...i don't know...

Continuity error, we see ANNE ROBINSON:
..carol, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

CUT TO carol afterwards...
CAROL: i don't think i'm the weakest link, i think it is Peter...err..oh, whateveritis, although having said that his park scene was the best.

ENTER DWIGHT YOAKUM

DWIGHT: My name is Dwight Yoakum and I am the Literary Executor
of the Carol Vorderman estate, as well as the Director
of the Carol Vorderman Archives (www.eggheadslapper.com).
While I find your sitcom enjoyable and amusing, I hasten
to remind you that the Carol Vorderman character on your sitcom ( LIVE FORUM SITCOM! Add a line!) is a
copyrighted character belonging to the Carol Vorderman Estate
and Carol Vorderman Archives. You are using her illegally.

CUTAWAY TO THE REMAINS OF FRANKIE HOWARD IN A TOGA

REMAINS OF FRANKIE HOWARD IN A TOGA: Watch it, watch it!

I request that you remove them from your sitcom immediately. Consider this a cheese and demist order.

Enter the REAL DWIGHT

REAL DWIGHT: (Pointing rudely) Oi! Cunt!

End Of Part One.

The first advert comes on.

EXT. BUSY HIGH STREET. DAY

A DOWNS SYNDROME BOY AGED SIX DRESSED IN A CLOWN SUIT IS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE ABOUT VAUXHALL CARS.

ENTER GRIFF RHYS-JONES, AS HIS SIDE-SPLITTING "CRAZY ACADEMIC" CHARACTER.

THE BOY PRODUCES A NINJA STAR FROM HIS POCKET AND DEFTLY SPIKES GRIFF IN THE FOREHEAD.

AND STILL NO-ONE IS WATCHING.....

PART TWO

Scene 5

INT.A Shopping Centre.

ENTER Sandi Toksvig. She is wearing a sandwich board advertising her campaign to "Free the Call my Bluff Two"

SANDI: Please! Please! Release us from Bob Holness' evil clutches. He and the BBC have got us locked away at Pebble Mill having the OED recited to us 24 hours a day.
We cannot take it any more. Please make your donation today of just 4 Scudi.

IAN FROM EASTENDERS: Now "Scudi" those are a sort of African tomato, except it's yellow.

SOME MINOR CELEBRITY: Well I was once in Pamplona.....

(The one remaining viewer dozes off, making the final fate of the Call My Bluff Two utterly academic.)

INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY

A comedy fan enters and starts looking at a copy of "Out Of The Trees". A strange figure looms from behind the counter.

SHOPKEEPER: Are you Yoakum? This is a Yoakum shop for Yoakum people, we'll have no trouble here!

Another shopkeeper enters

SHOPKEEPER 2: What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

SHOPKEEPER: He was trying to read "Out Of The Trees"

ALISON GRAHAM appears, holding flowers.

AG: (gushing) Wonderful - this is the best comedy i've never seen! I can't wiat to tell people how good other people have told me it is! Fantastic! Great etc etc

Enter HARRY ENFIELD in character as his hilarious new creation, "Mr. Fuck Off", whose pithy catchphrase is sure to be heard in playgrounds across the nation the day after the show is aired.


SHOPKEEPER: Can I help you at all, sir?

MR FUCK OFF: Fuck off!

AUDIENCE: (Belly laugh)

SHOPKEEPER: I'm sorry, I don't think there's any need for that kind of language -

MR FUCK OFF: Fuck off!

AUDIENCE: (Weeping with merriment and general incontinence)

SHOPKEEPER: Look, could you please leave? You're upsetting the children.

(Pause)

MR FUCK OFF: Fuck off!

AUDIENCE: (Mirthful screeching)

SHOPKEEPER: Are you just going to be doing this same shit every week? Because the Fast Show managed that better than you ever did, and even they couldn't sustain it towards the end. It's a shit way to carry on if you're calling yourself a comic.

MR FUCK OFF: (uncertainly) ... Fuck off?

SHOPKEEPER: No, bollocks, listen: if every anyone got promoted above your level of competence, it's you; you with your shit 'Spitting Image' impressions and your sinister "get-the-kids-reciting-the-catchphrases" approach to comedy. Your "sidekick" Paul Whitehouse had eclipsed your entire career within one series of his own show. People only watched your last couple of series for Kathy Burke anyway. And she's devalued her own currency by appearing in your "Kevin & Perry" abortion. For God's sake, learn when it's time to stop, and go with dignity. Stop now. Please.

MR FUCK OFF: (Silence)

AUDIENCE: (Nervous fidgeting, coughs)

SHOPKEEPER: Nothing personal, mind. Everyone says you're a nice bloke and that. You're just not funny. Sorry mate. (Hands MR FUCK OFF an ice cream and guides him out of the shop, a broken man.)

CUT to:

PHIL JUPITUS on Tv's hilarious ROOM 101:

What S can be used to describe a state of being shit?

DANNY WALLACE: Erm, shite?

PAUL MERTON: Now Phil, you're next choice is quite a controversial one isn't it?

PHIL: That's right Paul. I want to put myself in Room 101.

(Cheers from Audience)

PAUL: Now, i think you're a ok sort of bloke, so why do you want to do that?

PHIL: Well, you know, it's got to the stage in my life when... i just don't seem to be very uselful anymore.

PAUL: So you're kind of like a big pile of usless dog shit then? (audience laughs)

PHIL: Yes, something like that. I appear to have risen to the status of quite a popular comedian, despite the fact i only star in Popular BBC2 music panel quiz comedy thing "Never Mind The Buzzcocks".

PAUL: Ho Ho, that sounds like a familiar program format, eh viewers? (Audience Laughs)

Phil: (Nervous) The programs goe on for so long, and i don't seem to get any work... i... just don't seem to be useful anymore.

PAUL: Well, let's see a clip of you in action, shall we?

(Cut to NMTB - Mark LaMarr is beating Gail POrter up using a stick. PHIL interjects with an 'i'm fat, me' joke)

PAUL: Yes, i don't see any problem with you going into ROOM101. Phil Jupitus everyone!

(Audience clap wildly. Cut to PHIL, forcing his body, head first, down the chute.)

PHILL: And another thing I'd like to nominate - The Goodies, for - oof! - their cheesy, dated racism... [vanishes down chute forever]

PAUL: Thanks Phill, the one useful moment of your life coming right at the end there... let's examine this "cheesy racism"...

[Clip of BILL ODDIE, TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and GRAEME GARDEN enacting some "Sandrs Of the River"-type skit]

STEWART LEE[watching at home]: You bastards! That's not what I said at all! I just said that, although they weren't racist, didn't do anything that Reeves and Mortimer didn't do in 1993, nevertheless you can understand that a modern-day TV controller, the sort of person who cancelled TMWRNJ, and commissioned 29 series of HIGNFY, would think it was too entertaining for a BBC2 audience...

INT. FORUM. DAY

PETER OWHATEVERITWAS: Oh for god's sake give it a rest. This is almost as unfunny as Jam.

JUSTIN, JASON HAZELEY AND TJ: No, you're deliberately missing the point. The whole ethos of Jam was that it eschewed the usual notions of expectation in comedy to produce an altogether more blah blah blah blah blah

SUBBES: Who are you to come on this thread and say that this thread's no good?

KINDER SURPRISE: Shut up horsey face.

{They fight}

PRISONER #37398534534 SIMON ADEBISI deftly cuts and pastes another headache-inducing version of the SOTCAA Comment page, this time search-and-replacing 'comedy' with 'Lucozade'

John!, Suiii and Spooky Little Woman make some increasingly camp comments of little use or value to anyone else.

Ailie and TJ run off giggling and snog behind some trees.

Richard herring gets very angry and declares that the live forum sitcom is the best idea that he ever hasn't been involved with.

By the way Forumspeople, I forgot to mention when I started this thread that all material posted to it instantly becomes the property of Griffiths Comedy Industries. With the insertion of a few judicious references to Spangles, Jeffery Archer and big wobbly tits, I reckon I should be banking my cheque from Sky in no time. Thanks guys.

So that's who he was all along...

nele morrissey steals a goat and rides it tdo the shops

>nele morrissey steals a goat and rides it tdo the shops

...before crashing through something glass or easily breakable in an hilarious pastiche of the most classic and hilarious sitcom moment ever ever ever, whilst wearing a brown mac and walking into a pet shop in an hilarious pastiche of the most classic and hilarious comedy sketch ever ever ever!

(Has anyone actually tried reading this all the way through? I'd strongly advise against it.)

[MEANWHILE, A FAMILY SIT AROUND THE TELEVISION, WATCHING A REPEAT OF 'CALL MY BLUFF'. THE CORPSES ENTER.]


JOE: Oh, this is crap. They've just been locked in a room with a copy of the dictionary and Bob Monkhouse's book of jokes. you all should listen to what I say. listen to what I say, because I say you shouldn't listen to what anyone tells you! No, not even me! Ignore me totally!

[HE PAUSES TO THINK ABOUT THIS. MIKE TURNS TO SMASHING UP THE TV, WHILE JOE WANDERS OFF IN CONFUSION. THE FAMILY COWER IN FEAR, AND A SMALL CHILD STARTS TO CRY.]

FATHER: Er.... we quite like watching Call My Bluff.
MIKE: [SCREAMS] PLEB!
[MIKE TURNS ON HIM WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER. FADE TO BLACK.]

A domestic cat walks past, looking suspicious, clearly hiding an item of pneumatic drilling equipment under its clothing.

Sandi Toksvig chimes in with "For there are no mirrors in the Serengeti"

Enter Jerry Seinfeld - He says nothing of even vague humour and is handed a large bundle of cash.

Camera zooms in on television panel game, which looks like Call My Bluff, but isn't for BBC copyright reasons.

Sandi Toksavig: I knew Neil Buchannan when we were on No.73 you know.

Richard Stilgoe: I know a funny song about that.

Angus Deayton: So no surprises there then.

(Audience collapses dead with forced laughter, as they were all members of a cult with a suicide pact).

Caption:
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE SUDDEN INCREASE OF DAYTIME TELEVISION QUALITY. NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESTORED AS SOON AS WE CAN FIND SOME Z-GRADE CELEBRITY - OR ROBBIE WILLIAMS.

Another revelation, Forumites. I am actually a talent scout from BBC L.E. and I set up this strand to test your creativity. You are all my lab rats, adding your well-crafted in-jokes to my ever-expanding database of zaniness. Many are called. Few will be chosen.

And the chosen ones are crap.

EXT: LONDON, THE TRIASSIC PERIOD

KEN BRANAGH (V.O.) The Coelophysis flock has stabilised after the cannibalistic summer. It has met with a smaller group.

COELOPHYSIS: You could be an undercover cocksucker, but undercover cocksuckers aren't allowed to use drugs.

COELOPHYSIS: We want to see it go up your nose...

What they will be chosen for, is relocation to a (ahem) 'Comedy Re-Education Camp'. Here they will learn the basics of applied wackiness, whimsicality and Craaaaaaziness 101, in pleasant open-air surroundings.

Then they will dig their own graves.

TV's Hilarious Del Boy enters, and falls through the bar.

Yes, this has already appeared in the sitcom, but it is reappearing to emphasise its endless repeat value and continued ability ot amuse time after time after time.

Back door opens:

Margot: "Tom? Barbara? Anyone home?"

Ad Break showing a bloke being thick and usless.

TOM: I wish to register a complaint.

Zucchero moves next door, with hilarious consequences.

KEN BRANAGH (V.O.): And now 2 male and 2 female Coelophysis have moved into a flat together - with hilarious consquences!

KEN BRANAGH (V.O.): They eat their own young...

KEN BRANAGH (V.O.): ...and argue over whose turn it is in the bathroom!

2 male Coelophysis, Gary and Tony, are on the sofa, each clutching a tin of lager.

Gary: Hey mate, if you could make your ideal girly dinosaur, who's bits would you have?

Tony: Yeah, well it'd have to be an Allosaurus' arse, obviously ...

Gary: Oh yeah - and Brontosaurus legs.

Tony: Phwoar!

Gary: Yeah! Phwoar!

They each drink from their lager tins.

Tony: So, mate - how long can this series last, d'you reckon?

Gary: Ooh, I'd say there's a good couple of ice ages left in the format yet ....

(Fade and die)

HUGE TITLES:

WANKING WITH DINOSAURS!

(I'll get my coat)

IAIN LEE (VO): And that's about as good as it gets on the new series... [Trailer ends]

[Back to the sitcom...]

Backdoor opens:

Paul: "Hello Martin? Anne?"

Basil Fawlty enters.

BASIL: Don't mention the Triassic period. I said it once, but i think i got away with it...

Enter stereotype ginger haired Irish man:

"Hello! I'm Dean O'Saur! Aren't Oirish people rather amusing?"

Neil Morrissy and Martin Clunes enter - They are on all fours and are walking sideways.

BOTH: Look, we're Men Behaving Crably!

Cut to the front cover of the Radio Times, with this 'pun' written on in big letters.

Coming soon!

"Live Forum Sitcom Babies"! A heartwarming cartoon version of the wacky and headache-inducing thread! See the wholesome caperings of your all your favourite characters - when they wuz just lil kids! Featuring a guest appearance from Richard Herring in a nappy.

Next Episode of Sitcom Babies:
(ep 2, scene 1)
V.O. CAROL SMILIE doing an impersonation of LIZA TARBUCK pretending to be ANTHEA TURNER: "Can you guess who these crazeeee babbies wur?"

Enter three schoolgirls who look nothing like the young Joanna Lumley, Jennifer Saunders or Jane Horrocks. They prat around for twenty seconds. CUTS TO all three as they are today with clip of them in AB FAB. They prat around for twenty seconds.
V.O. now VANESSA FELTZ: "See how they've grown up".

VANESSA is then led, by gunpoint, to the outside of that big BBC building that she was in (celebrating 40 years now, you know), and a priest covers the whole place with holy water, so she can never enter it's ground again. She cries.
CUT TO:

THE INTERIOR OF CHIRPODIST'S SURGERY, SOMEWHERE IN 1920'S PARIS.

LACOMBE, THE WISE OLD CHIROPIDIST, IS SHUTTING UP SHOP WHILE HIS YOUNG APPRENTICE, JEAN, IS IDLY SWEEPING UP SCABS OF THE FLOOR.

CUT TO: a cat looking shifty.

The cat opens its jacket and starts to drill using pneumatic equipment.

We don't know why cats drill. Perhaps they do it just for the sheer love of drilling.

We apologise for the break in continuity and now return to: LE SALON DU PIED HUMEUR.

>THE INTERIOR OF CHIRPODIST'S SURGERY, SOMEWHERE IN 1920'S PARIS.
>
>LACOMBE, THE WISE OLD CHIROPIDIST, IS SHUTTING UP SHOP WHILE HIS YOUNG APPRENTICE, JEAN, IS IDLY SWEEPING UP SCABS OF THE FLOOR.


LACOMBE: Phew, that was the toughest set of nails I've had to work on, thought I'd need a chainsaw to file them down.
(Audience in hysterics).
JEAN: When will I ever learn about corn pads?
LACOMBE: You must learn the basics first Jean, like how to do a crappie accent and be a stereotype for a Croft & Perry sitcom.
(Audience in coma).
JEAN: But I DO want to be the next Gordon Kaye, really I do.
(Audience asks who the hell Gordon Kaye is - to be told by floor manager he's in rep in Cromer - as advertised on BBC Look East).
LACOMBE:(in extremely dodgy French accent).
Ahh...Jean, when you learn your first set of lessons, then I'll teach you about comeedee Franglais as used by Del Boy. Ahhh....
(someone in Audience mutters that the Queen Mum likes Only Fools and Horses)
KNOCK AT DOOR:

SERGEI enters

SERGEI: Just thought we needed a bit of continuity, that's all.

HE LEAVES. KNOCK AT DOOR:

Mickey Pearce opens his coat to reveal a stash of 'shifty' lawnmower engines hidden inside

... and he topples over, banging his head on the bar...

And Rodney says "Trigger, why do you always call me Dave?"

How a bout a sitcom called "TJ and the Bear" featuring TJ, and a bear, and that's it?

TJ and the bear... hmm...

Can Ailie be the bear?

Grrrrrrrrr











Does this help?

I'm suprised you didn't go for the "bare" option there TJ.

Oh, you naughty thing!

Ailie, I like it when you're ferocious!

TJ, this flirting is managing to infect record numbers of threads.

Should we start on some of the ident ones, to liven thigs up a bit?

Only if you can both make a smutty sentence involving the word "globes".

jon, justin, mr griffiths, tj, ailie, jason hazeley, subbes, john!, suiii, kinder surprise, spooky little woman, the corpses, rob s, richard herring, peter ohanrahahanrahan, george, simon abdesi man, bent halo, ewar woowar, a1, squidy, sam d, steve berry, mogwai, pj and everyone else ram a gas bottle down the throat of evil clown, and throw him/it into yoakum's front room while he is entertaining simon pegg, dan l and iain lee.

the end

or is it?

Hmmm... difficult...

"Ooooooh Ailie, I love your test card"


Does it work?

Well it doesn't do much for me, but the idents posse will probably get off on it...

They're all dying of exhaustion following the Carlton logo redesign (or whatever). In any case, their bleeding, calloused, worn-to-the-bone hands are too weak to type...

Ailie, I have greater things on my mind than idents!

I have other things on my mind too...

Such as?

Or should we save it for email???

>jon, justin, mr griffiths, tj, ailie, jason hazeley, subbes, john!, suiii, kinder surprise, spooky little woman, the corpses, rob s, richard herring, peter ohanrahahanrahan, george, simon abdesi man, bent halo, ewar woowar, a1, squidy, sam d, steve berry, mogwai, pj and everyone else ram a gas bottle down the throat of evil clown, and throw him/it into yoakum's front room while he is entertaining simon pegg, dan l and iain lee.
>
>the end
>
>or is it?

I believe it is.

SERGEI BLOKE: Are you 2 going to cop off or not? Some of us are trying to perform a sictom in here.

Relax, Jon... We're building the tension!

As for what's on my mind... well, I'm leaving work in 20 minutes to go into town, get some food (FINALLY), go to the bank and have my hair done...
All very innocent!

Yeah, it's like exciting or something.

We're like Chris Morris and Valerie Sinatra

What are you having done to your hair, anyway?

Highlights...
It looks a bit shit just now.

SERGEI BLOKE: (clears throat)

Sergei, you're dead - the sitcom's over!

SERGEI: It ain't over till the fat lady posts...

Here I am!

SERGEI: Cheers, Ailie!

THE END

Grrrrrrrr Ailie's no fat lady!

That was a rubbish sitcom.
Now we all know how hard it is, nothing but praise should be given to the writes of Babes in the Wood.

... who just happen to be: Mr Griffiths, me, Simon Adebisi, TJ, Pete O'H, Ailie, Sam D, all the others...

I liked the bit where Del Boy fell through the bar, though.

But will it ever be repeated? TV people are so insensitive to viewers wanting something like that.

It depends. We don't know who owns the rights. And apparently, it's been wiped.

That's true. In the 70s the BBC had a policy of blanking tapes just in case quality declined in the future and the old stuff showed them up.

Let's start the edit news then

It was better on radio.

The sitcom even has it's own catchphrase. Soon, millions of kids all over the country will be shouting at the top of thier little voices "IT WAS BETTER ON THE RADIO!", and Harry Enfield will rule the day he messed with us.
I have seen it.

Aah, there you are.

I was beginning to think you had lost yourself

Why not start a renegade SOTCAA site?
just like olga did.

Whoshe, Ed?

olga - on-line guitar something (can't remember) - got shut down by some big music company from printing music to a lot of popular songs on its site, sent in by fans (which is illegal, of course.) But there are plenty of sites out there that still operate using the same things. I think that's what Joe means.

maybe we could all host a couple of pages each?