Code: 20 REWRITE as at 19/01/96
STEWART AND HIS PARENTS
STUDIO INTRO AND THEN…
20/1 INT LOUNGE, DAY
STU SITTING ON CHAIR OPPOSITE PARENTS ON SETTEE. THERE IS A B&W FILM OF WARPLANES ON TV WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN SPEEDED UP. THE ROOM IS SUPER, PAINFULLY BRIGHTLY LIT. MUM AND DAD ARE IN VERY BRIGHT YELLOW, RED AND SKY BLUE CLASHING CLOTHES, JUMPERS AND SLACKS, AND WHITE GOLF SHOES WITH TASSELS ON THEM. FATHER HAS BRIGHT ORANGE HAIR IN A SORT OF WEDGE. STU LOOKS VERY GREY AND DRAB IN COMPARISON TO THIS FANTASTIC SCENE, IN HIS BLACK JEANS, BOOTS AND GREY/PURPLE JUMPER.
EVERYONE HAS TEA PERCHED ON LAPS AND ARE SEATED AT START, CLOCK TICKS . MUM FINISHES HER TEA. SUDDENLY MUM AND DAD SIMULTANEOUSLY STAND, COATS ON VERY QUICKLY. STEW DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING.
MOTHER We’re going to the Harris’s now.
STEW Oh, right.
HE GETS UP TO GO, MUM AND DAD DON’T MAKE ANY EFFORT TO LEAVE. STEW WAITING FOR THEM TO MOVE. THEY DON’T.
STEW What?
MOTHER Are you going to wear those shoes to the Harris’s, Stewart?
STEW Yes.
MOTHER Oh.
STEW Is there some problem with that?
MOTHER No.
(THERE IS)
STEW What d’you mean?
MOTHER Er-uh… It’s just that they look like the kind of shoes you’d get in Oxfam. It’s just that those shoes aren’t really the sort of shoes that are for wearing are they?
STEW What d’you mean?
MOTHER Well, those shoes are for going mountain climbing in, not for wearing. No-one else has to wear shoes like that.
STEW Loads of people wear shoes like this.
MOTHER No. They don’t.
STEW They must do. Otherwise they wouldn’t make them, would they. It wouldn’t be cost effective to make shoes just for me to buy. That would be commercial suicide.
MOTHER All right. Calm down. If you say so… but would you just put on a pair of your dad’s shoes… just to spare me any embarrassment…
DAD PRODUCES THEM. THEY HAD THEM READY. THE SHOES SHOULDN’T BE "SMART" – JUST ABSURD, TASSELS AND COLOURS.
MOTHER Just to go round to the Harris’s.
STEW Oh, all right. If you’ll stop going on.
HE TAKES SHOES. STARTS PUTTING THEM ON.
MOTHER Good. Were you going to wear that jumper at the Harris’s?
STEW Er…
MOTHER It’s just… that’s not the sort of jumper that one actually wears, is it? Not at the Harris’s. That’s the sort of jumper you’d wear in the garden, or the shed.
DAD (HELPFULLY) Or in the loft.
MOTHER Yes, the loft. It’s more of a loft-jumper, the kind of jumper you’d wear clearing out the loft. Not a going out to the Harris’s jumper. The Harris’s daughter wouldn’t wear a jumper like that.
DAD Unless she was clearing out the loft.
MOTHER Yes.
STEW I like it. It’s my favourite jumper.
MOTHER You look like a punk rocker in that jumper. It looks like something you’d get from Oxfam.
STEW You got me this jumper. For Christmas, two years ago.
MOTHER …yes, well you’ve been wearing it, haven’t you. You’ve worn it out, with all your wearing it. Please Stewart, would you just wear one of your dad’s jumpers to the Harris’s. It would make me feel much more relaxed.
SHE PROFERS A CRAZY JUMPER.
STEW Come on… I’ve done the shoes… it’s…
MOTHER Stewart!
STEW Alright…
PUTS IT ON.
DAD Well done, son.
MOTHER Yes.
DAD You look nice.
MOTHER Yes, but what about your hair. Were you going to have that hair at the Harris’s?
STEW Yes.
MOTHER It looks like the kind of hair you’d get at Oxfam.
STEW Oxfam don’t sell hair.
MOTHER Don’t they?
DADWe wouldn’t know.
MOTHER Because we never go there.
DAD Not like you.
MOTHER You obviously go there all the time.
DAD That’s the kind of hair you would have in the loft.
MOTHER No, Arnold, you wouldn’t even have it in the loft. It’s so messy.
DAD In the shed then.
MOTHER No, Someone might look in and see it.
DAD Would you like us to cut that hair for you before we go out? You could have it cut in a normal way like mine is cut.
STEW No look, I’m 27 years old, right, you can’t tell me how to cut my hair. I’ve put on the shoes and the jumper and…
THEY START TO TRY AND SNIP AT HIS HAIR WITH TINY NAIL SCISSORS.
STEW Stop it! Stop it.
MOTHER All-right Stew, there’s no need to have such an attitude. Are you going to have that attitude at the Harris’s?
STEW No, I’ll be polite obviously…
MOTHER You won’t. You’ve got a bad attitude now. You should have an attitude like your father’s. Look at his attitude.
WE SEE DAD’S SMILING FACE.
DAD Yes, my attitude is a delight. If I ever have an attitude like yours I go in the loft and tidy up a bit, until my attitude is no longer an embarrassment.
MOTHER Look at your horrible face. Look at it. You can’t have a face like that at the Harris’s.
STEW Is this better?
STEW SARCASTICALLY PULLS A FACE HE WOULD IMAGINE THAT HIS PARENTS WOULD LIKE.
MOTHER No, it’s not your expression. Your whole face is wrong. No-one has a face like that. That’s the kind of face Sid Vicious would have. It’s not the kind of face the Harris’s would like to have in their house. They don’t want to look at that face do they?
STEW Well you can’t change my face like you would some shoes or a jumper.
MOTHER Oh, but we can Stewart.
THEY ARE ADVANCING, MOTHER WITH GAS MASK, ANAESTHETIC THING AND HYPODERMIC, DAD WITH VICTORIAN MEDICAL TOOLS, ETC.
20/2, INT HARRIS’S HOUSE DAY
STEW’S POV. BLURRY. BLACK OUT. HE COMES ROUND IN HARRIS’S HOUSE. STEW’S POV AGAIN. THE HARRIS’S FACES ARE PUSHED INTO STEW’S. THEY ARE FAIRLY ORDINARY, OR LIKE STEW’S MUM AND DAD.
MRS HARRIS Oooooh. This must be Stewart. Hmmmm.
WE SEE STEWART. HIS HAIR IS ALL LIKE HIS DAD’S AND HIS FACE IS CHANGED OR IN BANDAGES.
MRS HARRIS You must meet our daughter, Siobhan, Stewart.
THE HARRIS’S DAUGHTER IS A FEMALE VERSION OF STEW AND ATTRACTIVE (UNLIKE STEW) HA HA.
STEW Hello… um I don’t usually dress like this… or have this face… My mum made me.
EITHER:
SIOBHAN How old are you?
STEW I’m 27.
OR:
(CHEAPER) SHE GIVES HIM A CONFUSED LOOK AND WALKS OFF TO GET SOME CRISPS. STEW’S MUM AND DAD LOOK PROUD.
STUDIO – IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED THEN? YES RICH IT WAS LIKE TOTAL RECALL. OH NO IT WASN’T, ETC. THEN THE BOOT TEST ON AUDIENCE – I AM 27 YEARS OLD – THEN WE GO FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE AND SEE…
20/3 INT FUTURE HOUSE DAY
FUTURE STEW IS SITTING IN CHAIR, OLD, BUT WITH SAME CLOTHES AS TODAY, SMOKING PIPE. NEXT TO HIM IS FUTURISTIC ROBOT WOMAN WITH SILVER BREAST PLATE. DOOR OPENS. SON COMES IN IN MEL SMITH FUTURISTIC CLOTHES. SILVER BOOTS ETC.
STEW Oh! Do you have to wear those anti-gravity space boots in the house, Z9? …. They’re for going in space in, not walking around the house…
Z9 Oh! Dad! Don’t be ridiculous, everyone wears them…
STEW No, no-one wears them except you… etc etc etc
PARENTS#2
STUDIO – AS YOU GET OLDER PARENTS ROLE IS DIMINISHED – DESPERATE FOR THINGS TO ADVISE YOU ON –
20/4 EXT DRIVEWAY DAY
CUT TO OUTSIDE. STEW & MUM. MUM AT CAR. STEW WITH TINY BAG.
MOTHER I’ll give you a lift to the station then.
STEW Yes, thanks.
MOTHER Are you taking that bag with you back to London on the train?
STEW Yes.
MOTHER Oh.
STEW Why?
MOTHER Nothing.
STEW No why, really.
MOTHER Well, I was just thinking, it might be easier if you left that bag here with us, and then we could drive down with it overnight, give it to you at your flat, and then drive back.
STEW Why?
MOTHER It might be easier.
STEW Why? Why will it be easier for me to go home without my bag and then for you to drive 300 miles with my bag at night, when I can just take my bag with me and save you the journey.
MOTHER It just might be easier.
STEW How?
MOTHER You might lose it.
STEW You might lose it.
MOTHER No. Just let us bring the bag alright.
DAD COMES OUT, WAVING MEDIEVAL FETTERS AND IRON MASK.
DAD Stew, before you go, I just got these medieval iron fetters out of the shed. I thought you might find it easier to go about your daily life wearing iron fetters rather than being free to move your limbs at will.
MOTHER Yes, and I’ve prepared you a flask of this paralysing drug, which will render you immobile. I thought you might find it easier to complete ordinary everyday tasks if you were unable to move.
STEW No. It won’t be easier. I don’t want to be fettered and paralysed.
DAD Please yourself. We were only trying to help.
© 1996 lee and herring
NOTES: This sketch has never resurfaced anywhere. No stories about why it was cut. Either it was decided that it couldn't be accomadated structurally within the show, or Stewart Lee was worried that his mother would give him a good hiding for sending up the ways and creeds of middle-class Solihull.
