Code 05:            as at 18.01.95

THE SCRAGGIES: (MOTORWAY MEN)

LIBRARY FOOTAGE OF MOTORWAYS, BY DAY, CLOGGED UP.  TERRIBLE SOFT ROCK LIBRARY MUSIC.  2-4-6-8 MOTORWAY

VOICE OVER The M6 Motorway as most of us would recognise it.  Busy, noisy, clogged with speeding traffic.  But the M6 known to Graham Lodge and his team is a very different M6, the M6 of the night.

5/1    EXT    MOTORWAY    NIGHT

MOTORWAY AT NIGHT, RUMBLING LORRIES, AND THE SCRAGGIES' YELLOW VAN.  MYSTERIOUS UNDERSEA STYLE MUSIC.

5/2    INT    VAN    NIGHT

WE SEE INSIDE THE YELLOW VAN.  VAN INTERIOR.  MEN IN DONKEY JACKETS WITH ORANGE PATCHES ON BACK, SMOKING, EATING BANANAS AND CRISPS AND PIES, DRINKING TEA OR PANDA DRINKS, AND LAUGHING, LAUGHING, LAUGHING.  WELSHY, A WELSH BLOKE WHO LAUGHS IN THE WRONG PLACES AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AND LIKES MOTORWAY DEBRIS, GRAHAM LODGE, THEIR LEADER, ALAN, A SHOUTING MAN IN A GREEN WOOLY HAT WHOSE TEETH ARE ALL ROTTEN AND WHOSE FACE IS RED; AND BJ , JACK THE LAD HANDSOME JOKER.

GRAHAM It's 4am.  We've been on the road for 2 hours now and...

A CAR GOES PAST THEM REALLY FAST

GRAHAM (TO REP.) Look at that feller, he must be doing 110 mph.  Call me old fashioned but there should be a law against driving that fast.

REP There is Graham.  The National Speed Limit is 70 mph.

GRAHAM Is it?  Good.  Anyway basically we have to drive up and down the Motorway all night, removing debris, things that have been abandoned and dangerous rubbish off the carriageway, which could of course cause some nasty accidents.  You wouldn't believe some of the things we've found.

ALAN I found a double bed in the fast lane once.  Who left that?

BJ I would like to have been on the job in that one.  Ha ha ha.

GRAHAM You had a load of fruit machines on the verge once didn't you BJ?

BJ Yes ha ha!  And they worked.  I won 20p.  What about that coffin last June.  It was empty.  I checked, remember.  (PULLS FRIGHTENED FACE)  How'd that get there?

GRAHAM Yes!  Ha ha!

WELSHY I found a ripped up tyre once.  Where did that come from?

ALL EXCEPT WELSHY Oh Welshy.  Der. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

WELSHY JOINS IN

VOICE OVER But in recent months Graham and his Scraggies, as the team are affectionately known, have witnessed a disturbing new trend in Motorway dumping.

CB RADIO CRACKLES IN CAB.  SCRAGGIES LOOK ROUND EXPECTANT.

DISTORTED WOMAN'S VOICE Graham, we've got one on the Southbound carriageway near junction 22.

GRAHAM Oh dear... (WITH PRETENTIONS TOWARDS EXCITEMENT) Ten four Angie.  Action stations lads, it's another one.......

ALL EXCEPT WELSHY, WHO IS LAUGHING HAPPILY Oh noooo.  Here we go again etc.

5/3     EXT    ROAD    NIGHT

VAN SPINS AROUND AND GOES THROUGH GAP IN CENTRAL RESERVATION.  WE SEE OVER MEN'S HEADS THROUGH WINDSCREEN.

ALAN There he is, in the middle lane.

CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHT BEAM, WE SEE A MAN IN HIS MID THIRTIES, DRESSED IN A NICE GREY SUIT, CARRYING A NEWSPAPER, A BRIEFCASE AND AN UMBRELLA.  HE IS CLEARLY BEWILDERED AND AFRAID, AND IS SKITTING ABOUT DODGING THE OCCASIONAL CAR.

THE CAR PULLS OVER AND THE LADS TRY TO COAX THE MAN OUT OF THE ROAD.

GRAHAM It's all right sir, come with us, we'll look after you......

THE MAN IS HAULED ONTO THE FLOOR OF THE VAN WHERE THE SCRAGGIES TRY TO RESTRAIN HIS WRIGGLING BODY, AND ASK HIM QUESTIONS, OCCASIONALLY SLAPPING HIS CONFUSED FACE.  GRAHAM IS DRIVING OFF.

BJ You're all right mate, you're with the Scraggies.

MAN Uh... oh.

BJ Do you know where you live, pal?

MAN I'm not sure.  Shrewsbury I think.

5/4    INT    CAFE    NIGHT

SCENE - GRAHAM TO CAMERA OVER COFFEE AND EGGS IN A TRANSPORT CAFE, INTERCUT WITH SLOW MOTION FOOTAGE OF SCRAGGIES TRYING TO GET DIFFERENT MEN OFF THE MOTORWAY.  AND MEN STANDING SHIVERING ON THE ROADSIDE OR COWERING IN THE CENTRAL RESERVATION.  MYSTERIOUS SLOW SYNTH MUSIC, UNDER.  PERHAPS AUTOBAHN BY KRAFTWERK, OR SOMEONE ELSE'S VERSION OF IT.

GRAHAM That's right, increasingly these days women seem to be abandoning their husbands in this rather drastic manner.  I think it's indicative of society's problems.  You know a woman will marry a bloke, without really thinking about what she's letting herself in for, all excited like.  But after a few months the novelty value wears off, the husband has maybe grown bigger than when she first got him, he's probably eating more than she budgeted for, maybe he's knocking things over and leaving a smell in the house, and looks a lot less cute.  And so these women abandon these poor fellers to their own fate here on the motorway.

5/5    EXT    MONTAGE-ROAD, NIGHT

FILM OF ABANDONED MEN WANDERING AROUND.  A BUSINESSMAN TAKES FLIGHT ACROSS FIELDS CHASED BY BJ WHO RUGBY TACKLES HIM.  TWO SMALL MEN BEING CUT OUT OF A SACK DUMPED IN A LAYBY.  THE LIGHT HURTS THEIR EYES.  A MAN IN HIS PAJAMAS TIED TO A TREE OR SIGN.  HE SAYS "She just drove off".  POLICE STOP STYLE FOOTAGE OF A WOMAN PUSHING MAN OUT OF MOVING CAR.

GRAHAM (V/O) Leaving a bewildered husband on a busy motorway...

5/6    INT     CAFE    NIGHT

GRAHAM IN CAFF AGAIN

GRAHAM ....that's tantamount to murder.  You can call me old fashioned but I consider murder to be a crime and there should be legislation....

REP There is legislation against murder.  It's illegal.

GRAHAM Is it? ... good.

5/7    EXT    HOUSE    NIGHT

SCRAGGIES' VAN PARKED OUTSIDE A NICE HOUSE.  DOORS CLOSED.  AT DOOR OF HOUSE STANDS WELSHY WITH A SHIVERING MAN IN PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS.  IT IS IAN ASPITTAL [sic].  WELSHY RINGS THE DOORBELL.

VOICE OVER When a husband can remember where he lives the Scraggies have to take him home....

WOMAN ANSWERS DOOR.  IT IS JENNY

WIFE Do you know what time it is?  Oh!

BJ Is this your husband madam?

WIFE No.

HUSBAND I am.

GRAHAM Yes, who's that there then?

THERE IS A WEDDING PHOTO OF THE COUPLE ON THE WALL.

WIFE Oh yes ... er ... (UNCONVINCINGLY)Where did you get off to?  I've been worried sick.

ALAN You know very well where he was.

WELSHY Look, I have to come in and talk with you both.  I've got some leaflets....

5/8    INT    HOUSE    NIGHT

FILM OF WELSHY TALKING TO COUPLE IN LOUNGE.  CONCERNED FACES.  MAN CRYING.  WELSHY POINTING AT THINGS IN LEAFLET, HOLDING UP COCK RING.

WELSHY (V/O) The government are trying to stop these things happening twice, so I've been trained in marriage guidance councelling to try and get the married couples back together, y'know.  Help em spice up their sex-lives.  This glut of abandoned husbands is interfering with our proper work.

5/9    EXT    ROAD    NIGHT

WELSHY ON ROADSIDE

WELSHY I didn't become a Scraggie to talk about Japanese love eggs, French ticklers and cock rings.  It's motorway debris that I like, tyres, twisted metal, that sort of thing.

5/10    EXT    STREET    NIGHT

BACK AT THE ASPITALLS, REAR OF THE VAN.  THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE FACES OF THE SCRAGGIES TO OTHER MEN THEY HAVE COLLECTED LOOKING CONFUSED, SCARED, CRYING.  A MAN IN FOOTBALL KIT, A MAN IN A KAGOUL, A MAN IN A MILKMAN'S UNIFORM WITH MILK.  CRYING.

VOICE OVER But what of the husbands whose homes cannot be found?

5/11    INT    CAFE    NIGHT

GRAHAM IN CAFF

GRAHAM What happens to some of these men is disgusting.  The M3 Scraggies, now we've heard that they have set up a kind of chain gang with their unclaimed husbands, set them off building slip roads and the like.  It's tantamount to slavery, there should be legislation.

VOICE OVER There is...  Slavery has been illegal in Britain since 1832.

GRAHAM Has it?  Good.  It should be.  Of course, we are a lot more humane, more progressive.  We keep the husbands for six months, hoping the wife will come forward or failing that, that any unmarried woman might claim them.

5/12    INT    KENNELS    NIGHT

WE SEE FILM OF CAGES WITH DIFFERENT HUSBANDS IN THEM, LIKE DOG KENNELS.  SOME WITH ROOM TO WALK AROUND.  OTHERS IN HUTCHES.

A BEAUTIFUL TALL, THIN. HIGH HEELED FORTY SOMETHING WOMAN WALKS PAST THE CAGES LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND (WITH BJ?).  ALL HUSBANDS LIKE DOGS, DESPERATE TO BE PICKED.  SHE CHOOSES THE LAST ONE, A TINY PHIL CLARKE-FACED MAN (PHIL CLARKE?), WHO JUMPS OUT AND THEN RUNS ROUND AND ROUND HER EXCITEDLY WHILE SHE PATS HIS HEAD.

GRAHAM But even we have overheads, food, straw for them to sleep on, cleaning out the cages.  If after six months they are still unclaimed...

UNDER THIS WE SEE ALAN ENTERING CAGE.  PUTS DOWN FOOD FOR HUSBAND.  THE HUSBAND BENDS DOWN.

WE PAN UP TO SEE WELSHY LETTING OFF GUN SAFETY HANDLE.....  CUT BACK TO GRAHAM.

GRAHAM Bang!  It's sad.  But nothing makes me happier than when I see one of our old husbands making his way back into the real world again.  I get a lot of pleasure from that... yes we do make a small charge to the women who use the service.  £500, yes.  But all the money I make goes into a special bank account that I have set up ... for me.  It goes to me.

REP Graham, are you aware that keeping men in cages for months on end, selling them to women, and shooting them in the head, are among the most serious crimes you can commit?

GRAHAM Are they?  Ah well, the law is an ass.  A jackass, that's what I say!  What we do is humane.  It's the kindest thing for them.  The only act of kindness that some of these men have ever experienced.

5/13    INT    VAN    NIGHT

CUT TO GRAHAM IN THE VAN

GRAHAM Well it's 6am, and as you can see the traffic is starting to build up again, so that's the end of our day.  The abandoned husbands is a problem, the government should do more...

WELSHY Gray!  Graham!

ALL What?

WELSHY I think I saw a car number plate on the verge back then,  Can we go and get it?

GRAHAM No we can't.  We're knocking off.

WELSHY Please.  It was shiny.

GRAHAM (LAUGHING) Shiny, was it?  I'm trying to be all serious here.  Get him lads.

THE OTHERS ALL PLAYFULLY DUFF UP WELSHY.  THEY ALL LAUGH HAPPILY.

5/14    EXT    STREET    DAWN

WE SEE THE VAN DRIVING OFF INTO THE RISING SUN AS VIEWED FROM A BRIDGE.  THE PEALS OF HAPPY LAUGHTER FILL THE AIR.

© 1996 lee and herring

NOTES: This sketch was originally performed on the first Lee & Herring Radio One series.  Richard Herring played Graham Lodge; Peter Baynham, unsurprisingly, played the Welsh character.  The script doesn't really do justice to how amusingly he says the word 'cock-rings'.

Interestingly the original radio sketch was about the team retrieving abandoned wives rather than husbands.  We daresay it was changed for no better reason than they knew Ian Ashpital could do a good confused face.  The TV script sadly drops one of the funniest radio sections which involved the wives being put to good use making artistic tubular sculptures.  Overseeing one such piece, Graham Lodge tells one wife to 'make the sides a bit more bendy'.

The sketch never made it to TV because a crazed Ian Ashpital, unhappy with his performance, seized all the extant rushes and drove his Volvo at high speed out of the BBC, shooting several innocent Wood Lane bystanders on the way and finally plunged screaming over Beachy Head, killing himself instantly and destroying the entire session recordings in the explosion.

No, but seriously, it was probably just cut for 'convenience' reasons, still, they had a lot of fun doing it, blah blah blah...