THE SCRIPTS THEMSELVES
So here they are, for the first time. The full original shooting script sequences of 'Big Nose Sculptures', 'Revolting Cocktails' and 'Wee Wee Winetasting', originally intended for Series 3, Show 10.
[NOTE: The first extract begins as the 'Sir Phillip Sydney' sequence ends - with Sir Phillip being arrested for posessing pornography ('Ooh, that's a long one!). The animation which follows depicts Shakespeare's 'Gay Boys In Bondage' with two nude male figures spouting Elizabethan dialogue on a stage set. This cartoon sequence has also obviously been censored as the Shakespeare pastiche jump-cuts weirdly to what looks like the aftermath of a nude policeman dropping somebody down a pipe. Presumably the cut disguised a section which had one of the nude figures arrested (which echoed the conclusion of the 'Sir Phillip' sketch). Quite why it was cut has never been documented but perhaps the nudes were too graphic for the BBC.
The pipe leads to an animated Terry Jones nude organist. The original script notes that the animation leads into the full titles with a cartoon version of the organist, the announcer and the 'It's' man. The broadcast edit however omits the cartoon announcer and 'It's' man and instead cuts straight to another sketch ('Irritating Vicar') before continuing with a normal titles sequence with the usual non-animated Jones, Cleese and Palin. The latter sketch and titles were originally intended for Show 6 but were dropped into Show 10 to fill in the unholy gap which the censorship left behind.]
(...THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY PRESENT: GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
WE ZOOM IN TO FILL SCREEN WITH POSTER AND ANIMATION TAKES OVER. TERRY LEADS HIMSELF INTO TITLES, IE NUDE ORGANIST. JOHN'S ANNOUNCER AND IT'S MAN ARE TO BE ON ANIMATION. AFTER ANIMATION CUT TO)
STUDIO. SCULPTOR'S STUDIO
(FAIRLY ROOMY. AN ALDERMANIC FIGURE IS SITTING, POSING, IN A ROMAN EMPERIOR [sic] TYPE CHAIR, THAT IS TO SAY, WITH ARMS THAT ARE NOT VERY OBTRUSIVE AND WITH A FAIRLY LOW HORIZONTAL BACK, BOTH PROBABLY IN LEATHER. SCULPTING THIS ALDERMANIC FIGURE, ROBIN [JOHN CLEESE], IS A SCULPTOR [GRAY CHAPMAN]. SHE HAS ALMOST FINISHED A FULL LENGTH SCULPTURE OF ROBIN THAT IS VERY ACCURATE REPRESENTATIONALLY SPEAKING EXCEPT ONLY THAT THE NOSE OF THE SAME IS ABOUT TWO FEET LONG.
WE START ON A CLOSE UP OF THE ALDERMANIC FIGURE AND PULL BACK TO REVEAL SCULPTOR CHIPPING FINELY AT THE SCULPTURE. SCULPTOR STANDS BACK AND COMPARES HIS WORK WITH ROBIN. HE IS NOT SATISFIED, FEELING THAT SOME SMALL ELEMENT IS SPOILING THE LIKENESS BUT HE CANNOT DECIDE WHERE HE HAS GONE WRONG. ROBIN BY NOW IS WATCHING THIS WITH SOME SUSPICION. SCULPTOR STANDS AND CONTINUES TO COMPARE HIS MODEL WITH HIS WORK. HE STEPS FORWARD AND KNOCKS A VERY TINY BIT OFF THE END OF THE NOSE, STEPS BACK AND SURVEYS AGAIN BUT IT IS STILL BY NO MEANS TO HIS SATISFACTION. BUT HE CANNOT PUT HIS FINGER ON THE FAULT. HE SCRATCHES HIS HEAD IN PUZZLEMENT. ROBIN HAS CLEARLY SPOTTED THE RELEVANT ARTISTIC PECCADILLO AND SO...)
ROBIN Could I just...
SCULPTOR (BAD TEMPEREDLY LIKE JOHN IN THE MORNING) Ssssh!
(SCULPTOR PICKS UP A PAIR OF ENORMOUS CALLIPERS AND WALKS TO ROBIN. WITH THEM HE MEASURES THE WIDTH OF ROBIN'S FOREHEAD AND RETURNS TO HIS MODEL. COMPARING THE WIDTH OF THE MODEL HE FINDS IT DEAD RIGHT. ROBIN WISHES NOT TO SPEAK BUT DOES NOT. SCULPTOR HAS AN IDEA. HE RETURNS AND MEASURES THE LENGTH OF ROBIN'S NOSE. ROBIN IS RELIEVED. SCULPTOR RETURNS TO HIS WORK ALLOWING THE CAPPILERS [sic] TO SWING OPEN UNBEKNOWN TO HIM. AS A RESULT WHEN HE COMPARES THE LENGTH OF THE STATUE'S NOSE HE FINDS IT IS RIGHT. ROBIN IS VERY DISAPPOINTED. SCULPTOR VERY PUZZLED STARTS TO COMPARE AGAIN.)
ROBIN Can I just...
SCULPTOR (BAD TEMPEREDLY) Please!
ROBIN Sorry... look can I...
SCULPTOR (THE INJURED ARTIST) Tch. (HE TURNS AWAY BREATHES HEAVILY) What! What!
ROBIN: Do you think it might be just a touch sort of perhaps I don't know a bit... longish... possibly.
SCULPTOR: Where?
ROBIN: Um... well conceivably I'm not quite sure... er... well... in... the nasal zone.
SCULPTOR: The what?
ROBIN: The nnnn... nnnn... nnose.
SCULPTOR Are you trying to tell me my job?
ROBIN Oh heaven forbid. But I can't help feeling...
SCULPTOR What?
ROBIN That the... nose is too long.
SCULPTOR I see... do it yourself then.
ROBIN What?
SCULPTOR Come on, come on Mr Clever Dick Mayor do it yourself. Here's the chisel (GOING TO HIM AND GIVING IT TO HIM).
ROBIN No no really I don't.
SCULPTOR (PROPELLING HIM TOWARDS THE STATUE) Come on, you show me how to do it your worship.
ROBIN No no I don't want...
SCULPTOR: Just show me. I want to know how to do it. Go on, go on.
ROBIN: (NOW FINDING HIMSELF BY THE STATUE AND TEMPTED TO SHORTEN THE NOSE) Well...
SCULPTOR: Oh ho ho! No we shall see. Get the expert in eh? Go on Mayor Rodin, it's all yours now. I'm just watching. I've only sculpted Brian Phelps and King Farouk's nephew and Mrs Sidney Green and Helen Shapiro's cousin and unimportant people that so what would I know. Huh.
ROBIN: Well...
SCULPTOR: Oh go on go on. This should be fascinating.
(IN ONE SWIFT CLEAN MOVEMENT ROBIN KNOCKS OFF THE RIGHT LENGTH OF NOSE AND STANDS BACK NERVOUSLY, THEN LOOKING SATISFIED.)
SCULPTOR: (SARKY STILL) Oh that's much better. Oh yes that makes all the difference doesn't it? (THEN NOTICING THAT IT REALLY HAS) ...it is better isn't it?
ROBIN: Well I may not know much about art but I know what I'm like.
SCULPTOR: (ADMIRING THE STATUE) That really is very good.
ROBIN: Thank you.
SCULPTOR: Here... you do me. Gavin!
(SCULPTOR GOES AND SITS DOWN IN THE MODEL'S CHAIR. GAVIN [A SERVANT WHO HAS JUST ENTERED LEFT] PUSHES A BLOCK OF MARBLE IN FRONT OF ROBIN.)
SCULPTOR: Ready?
ROBIN: No really I couldn't.
SCULPTOR: Come on, you have nothing to lose but your chain.
ROBIN: I don't know how to start.
SCULPTOR: It's quite simple. Just knock away the bits that don't look like me.
(SHERIFF [TERRY GILLIAM] WALKS THROUGH DOOR AND CROSSES ROOM AS R STARTS TENTATIVELY.)
SHERIFF: Howdy folks. Mr Mayor. Everything peacable round here?
ROBIN: Yes thank you Sheriff.
(HE EXITS. SCULPTOR IS LOOKING AFTER HIM, PUZZLED.)
ROBIN: Face the front please.
(SCULPTOR DOES SO. WE CLOSE IN ON HIM AS BUZZING STARTS. HE LOOKS AROUND AND THEN MOVES HIS HEAD.)
ROBIN: Don't move.
SCULPTOR: Sorry...
(BUZZING STOPS. CLOSE UP OF BEE ON SCULPTOR'S HEAD. THEN FROM A WIDER SHOT WE SEE A BEEKEEPER [ERIC IDLE] LOOKING ROUND THE DOOR CARRYING A HUGE NET. HIS EYES HAVE ALIGHTED ON THE BEE. AT THIS MOMENT ANOTHER BEEKEEPER [TERRY JONES] ALSO WITH A HUGE NET APPEARS AT THE DOOR OPPOSITE. THE BEEKEEPERS SEE EACH OTHER REGISTER INTENSE RIVALRY RUSH TO SCULPTOR AND BRING DOWN THE NET'S OVER HIS HEAD. WILD BUZZING CAN BE HEARD.)
BEEKEEPER 1 It's my bee.
BEEKEEPER 2 It isn't.
BEEKEEPER 1 It is.
BEEKEEPER 2 It is not, it's mine.
BEEKEEPER 1 All right if it's your bee describe it.
BEEKEEPER 2 It's sort of furry with orange and brown stripes round its middle and it makes honey.
BEEKEEPER 1 (MIMING ANTENNAE BUT NOT CLEOPATRA) Does it have long things like this.
BEEKEEPER 2 Yes it does.
BEEKEEPER 1: Does it have eight legs.
BEEKEEPER 2: No it has six and its name is Darryl.
BEEKEEPER 1: It is not, its name is Mick.
BEEKEEPER 2: Mick?
BEEKEEPER 1: Yes.
BEEKEEPER 2: Mick Bee?
BEEKEEPER 1: Yes.
BEEKEEPER 2: How common.
BEEKEEPER 1: You stinking snob.
SCULPTOR: Get on with it.
BEEKEEPER 2: Sorry.
BEEKEEPER 1: It's not common. Mick's a super name. It's got a crisp sort of outdoor flavour to it.
BEEKEEPER 2: It has not. It's all phlegm and acne.
BEEKEEPER 1: It bloody isn't. It's athletic and sun tanned...
BEEKEEPER 2: Phlegm and acne.
BEEKEEPER 1: It's better than Darryl. Pouffy old qu...
SCULPTOR: Will you please get on with it, it's hot in here and the bee is upset.
BEEKEEPER 2: Sorry.
BEEKEEPER 1: It is Mick and it's mine.
BEEKEEPER 2: Right. If it's Mick tell it to buzz twice.
BEEKEEPER 1: Mick. (BEE BUZZES.) Buzz twice! (BUZZ...)
BEEKEEPER 2: There, it only... (BUZZ.)
BEEKEEPER 1: There.
BEEKEEPER 2: No that doesn't count. It has to buzz twice like this. Buzz-buzz. Darryl... buzz twice. (BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ.) Stupid little bleeder.
BEEKEEPER 1: Mick. (BUZZ.) Buzz twice... (BUZZ-BUZZ.) Not yet, listen to the whole question. (BUZZ.) Buzz twice if Carson City is the capital of Nebraska. (BUZZ BUZZ.) There.
BEEKEEPER 2: It isn't.
BEEKEEPER 1: It is.
BEEKEEPER 2: It isn't. It's Omaha. Carson City is the capital of Nevada.
BEEKEEPER 1: Oh.
SCULPTOR: Will you get on with it!
BEEKEEPER 2: I'm sorry about this inconvenience but the problem is outstandingly intractable.
SCULPTOR: What?
BEEKEEPER 2: It needs the judgement of Solomon.
SCULPTOR: Well, ask him!
BEEKEEPER 2: Mr Solomon.
(ENTER SOLOMON [MIKE PALIN] WITH TWO PHARISEES [FRANK LESTER AND PETER KODAK].)
SOLOMON: Somebody called?
BEEKEEPER 2: We need a judgement.
SOLOMON: 50p.
BEEKEEPER 2: Done.
BEEKEEPER 1: We can't decide whose bee this is.
SOLOMON: Hang about... oh yes... hem hem... well cut the bee in half and each mother can have a half. (LOOKS AT THEM EXPECTANTLY AND CRAFTILY.)
BEEKEEPER 1 & BEEKEEPER 2: That's fine by me.
(ENTER EXECUTIONER [GRAHAM SKIDMORE] AND PRIEST [JOHN BEARDMORE]. EXECUTIONER TAKES BEE AND PLACES IT ON BLOCK. PRIEST HOVERS MUTTERING. EXECUTIONER BRINGS DOWN AXE ON BLOCK WITH MUCH FORCE. BEEKEEPER 1 AND BEEKEEPER 2 SHAKE HANDS. EXECUTIONER HOLDS UP BEE'S TWO HALVES.)
ALL: Half a bee!!
SINGALONG SET
([FIVE] TOMLINSON SINGERS. BEHIND THEM HALF-BEE ON THE FLAT OR BACKCLOTH [IN FACT, A BLUE CSO BACKGROUND].
4-BAR INTRO. WIDE OPEN SPACES.)
ALL: Half a bee, half a bee
GEOFF: As we roam the range so free
ALL: Half a bee, half a bee
GEOFF: Won't you ride along with me
ALL : Giddyap
([CHANGE CSO OVERLAY] AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. CALYPSO.)
MIKE (+ BACKING) : Oh I went down to de market place / To buy me half a bee
ALL: Half a bee, man!
([CHANGE CSO OVERLAY] AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. SOFT SHOE [SHUFFLE].)
ALL: Half a bee / Just half a bee
([CHANGE CSO OVERLAY] AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. BAGPIPE NOISES.)
CAREY (+ BACKING): D'ye ken the hushtie whishley / Or the auchtie cromak scree / A rustlin' boot the hishley
ALL: Aw hoots mon! Hoff a bee.
([CHANGE CSO OVERLAY AS] 4 BOYS START DOING SMOOCHY WALTZ.)
MARK (SPOKEN - OOING CONTINUES) The day you walked away / Half a bee dropped out of my world / An entire bee / Means less to me / Than the half bee you took from me / Hurry home / And bring the other half bee / With you.
([CHANGE CSO OVERLAY.] 4 BAR LINK. 6/8 MARCH.)
BOB: Marching along
ALL: With half a bee
BOB: Singing a song
ALL: With half a bee.
BOB: Steady and strong / Where we belong / Joining the throng
ALL: With half a bee / We never go wrong / We never go wrong / We're marching along / We're marching along
(CAPTION [WORDING UNKNOWN] ON OVERLAY.)
ALL: With half a bee...
(CUT TO PUB SIGN. THE FOX AND HALF-A-BEE.)
FAIRLY PLUSH COCKTAIL TYPE BAR
(CHEERFUL BARMAN [GRAY CHAPMAN] AT WORK. THREE CITY TYPE GENTS APPROACH BAR.)
CITY GENT 1 [JOHN CLEESE]: So he switched into tin, moved his lead assets into copper got the rest of the family intoo vanadium, except for a halfsister who was obsessed with zinc, financed the coup, sold the bodies, made a quick turn and got into Angel cakes.
CITY GENT 2 [TERRY JONES]: Which is where he went wrong.
CITY GENT 3 [MIKE PALIN]: Exactly.
CITY GENT 2: When's the funeral?
CITY GENT 1: He hasn't killed himself yet.
CITY GENT 2: He hasn't?
CITY GENT 1: No he's waiting till April 5th.
CITY GENT 3: Some sort of tax dodge.
BARMAN: Good evening sir.
(ALL TOGETHER)
CITY GENT 1: Good evening Tom.
CITY GENT 2: Good evening Harry.
CITY GENT 3: Good evening Jim.
BARMAN: What's to be sir?
CITY GENT 1: (TO CITY GENT 2) Mark?
CITY GENT 2: One of your specials Harry.
CITY GENT 1: One special Tom.
BARMAN: Certainly sir. (POURS OUT COCKTAIL STANDING BY.) Twist of Lemming sir?
CITY GENT 2: Please Harry.
BARMAN: (SQUEEZING LEMMING'S NECK INTO GLASS IT SQUEAKS) Bit more sir?
CITY GENT 2: Just a drop.
BARMAN: (SQUEEZING LEMMING AGAIN, ANOTHER SQUEAL. HE THROWS IT IN BIN.) There you are sir.
CITY GENT 1: (TO CITY GENT 3) Alex?
CITY GENT 3: Mallard Fizz, please Jim.
CITY GENT 2: Heard about old Guy Barclay?
CITY GENT 3: What?
CITY GENT 2: Gawn into cork. Was in tinsel, switched via wood preservatives into entrails, financed the coup, took up his option on the bodies, cornered the market.
CITY GENT 1: Good luck to him.
(DURING THIS TIME THE BARMAN HAS TAKEN THE COCKTAIL SHAKER, PUT INTO IT ANGOSTURA AND VODKA THEN TAKEN A MALLARD, TRIED IT FOR SIZE, TAKEN A CLEAVER, CLEAVES IT IN TWAIN AND PUTS HEAD IN SHAKER, FOLLOWED BY AN EGG AND TABASCO SAUCE. HE SHAKES IT FRANTICALLY.)
CITY GENT 2: Smart fellow. Thought he'd do well, nice close [sic] eyes and virtually no ear lobes and a bank balance as big as your foot.
CITY GENT 3: Got funny elbows too - bend the wrong way.
CITY GENT 1: Really.
CITY GENT 3: Had two years in the army, every time he saluted people he fainted. Don't wait for me Mark.
CITY GENT 2: Oh thanks, cheers. (PUTS IT BACK IN ONE. GOES PALE.) Excuse me. (RUNS OFF TO VOMIT.)
(BY NOW, CITY GENT 3 IS GETTING HIS MALLARD DRINK, BARMAN GARNISHES IT WITH HEAD.)
BARMAN: There you are sir.
CITY GENT 3: Thanks Jim. (NOT DRINKING IT YET.)
CITY GENT 1: Harlem Stinger, Tom.
BARMAN: Yes sir. Rastus!
(CALLING OFF, BIG BLACK MAN [TERRY GILLIAM] ARRIVES.)
RASTUS: Yes boss.
BARMAN: One stinger please.
RASTUS: One stinger coming right up.
(RASTUS OPENS MOUTH. BARMAN POURS A COUPLE OF BOTTLES IN, ADDS A COUPLE OF EXTRAS, RASTUS GARGLES FOR SEVERAL SECONDS THEN SPITS IT OUT INTO GLASS PLACED BY BARMAN. BARMAN PICKS IT UP AND HANDS IT TO CITY GENT 1.)
CITY GENT 3: Cheers.
CITY GENT 1: How much is that then?
(MIKE [IE CITY GENT 3] DRINKS AND GOES.)
BARMAN: £1.40 sir.
CITY GENT 1: Would you care to join us?
BARMAN: No thank you sir. (TAKES MONEY.)
CITY GENT 1 Cheers. (SWALLOWS, RUNS TO LOO DOOR, CAN'T GET IN, RUNS TO WASTE PAPER BASKET, VOMITS. AT THIS MOMENT CITY GENT 2 REAPPEARS LOO WHITE AND SHAKEN, TOTTERS TO BAR AND GETS ON STOOL HEAD IN HANDS.)
CITY GENT 2: Same again Harry. Oh Christ!
(BARMAN POURS OUT COCKTAIL, TAKES LEMMING.)
CITY GENT 2: Easy on the Lemming, Harry.
BARMAN: Certainly sir. (SQUEAK SQUEAK.)
(CITY GENT 3 COMES BACK.)
BARMAN: Same again for you sir?
CITY GENT 3: Just a small one. (LOOKING AT DRINK.) Harry.
BARMAN: Yes sir.
CITY GENT 3: Have you got something a bit lighter.
BARMAN: Something without the mallard, sir?
CITY GENT 3: Yes, please, Harry.
BARMAN: How about a Safari Snowball?
CITY GENT 3: That's more like it.
CITY GENT 1: Do you make any cocktails without these awful things?
BARMAN: I'm afraid not sir.
CITY GENT 1: I don't know why we come here.
(CUT TO EITHER STOCK FILM OR ANIMATION (TERRY G'S CHOICE) OF BIG GAME BEING SLAUGHTERED AND MADE INTO COCKTAILS.
ANIMATION EVENTUALLY FORMS A BEAUTIFUL VICTORIAN CAMEO, WHICH TERRY CAN PINCH FROM A BOOK. INSIDE THIS CAMEO NICE ANIMATED CREDITS IN VICTORIAN SCRIPT: The Free Repetition of Doubtful Skit, Spoof, Jape or Vignette by a very under-rated writer.
OVER HESE TWO CREDITS STRING QUARTET MUSIC PLAYS THE SAME BARS THAT WILL BE PLAYED AT THE END OF THIS SKETCH, ALTHOUGH AS YET WE DO NOT SEE THEM.
THE CENTRE OF THE CAMEO OPENS UP AND WE MAINTAIN THE EDGE FRAME OF THE CAMEO ON OVERLAY THROUGHOUT THIS SMALL SKETCH (TIMED ROUGHLY BY ERIC IDLE AT 1min 35secs NOT INCLUDING THE OPENING TITLES.) IN THE CENTRE OF THE CAMEO, NOW STUDIO, WE SEE AN ORDINARY POST OFFICE COUNTER WINDOW WITH 'TELEGRAM ENQUIRIES' OVER THE TOP. THE CLERK [TERRY JONES] IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. ENTER MR PEEPEE [ERIC IDLE]. THEY SPEAK VERY STILTEDLY.)
PEEPEE: I've come for some free repetition of doubtful words on an Inland Telegram.
Okay, so if you know your Pythons then you'll be aware that we're back in TXd territory now. The show continues pretty much as per the original shooting script from this point, until the 'Is There Life After Death' sketch (featuring four dead people). However, the following was originally planned to follow it:
(BIG CLOSE-UP OF AN ANNOUNCER [MIKE PALIN].)
ANNOUNCER: That was the third in a series of programmes in which we examine our moral beliefs. Later this evening... (REACTS TO A NOISE) ...ooh, I'd better go, someone's coming.
(HE CLIMBS INTO A BARREL BESIDE HIM AND LOWERS THE LID DOWN. PULL OUT TO REVEAL THAT THE BARREL IS ONE OF A ROW OF BARRELS IN THE CHATEAUX CELLARS OF A FRENCHMAN, M HOUNSLOW WEST [ERIC IDLE], WALKS ALONG WITH AN ARISTOCRATIC ENGLISH WINE MERCHANT, MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM [TERRY JONES]. M HOUNSLOW WEST TAPS A BARREL AND GIVES A GLASS TO MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM.)
M HOUNSLOW WEST: How about this, sir?
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: (TASTING ELABORATELY) Mmm... it's a slightly flinty breed... sharp and resolute, with a terse smokiness in the aftertaste... is it a Pouilly Fume... ?
M HOUNSLOW WEST: No, it's wee-wee.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Ah yes!
M HOUNSLOW WEST: (MOVING TO ANOTHER BARREL AND TAPPING IT) Try this one, M'sieur...
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: (TASTING ELABORATELY AGAIN) Mmm... now... I must be careful here... this is ver vigorous... again lively, neat and sharp... oh but what a finish... yes... I think I know this one... yes... is it a Moselle?
M HOUNSLOW WEST: No, sir... it's wee-wee again.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Oh dear... you got me again.
(M HOUNSLOW WEST OFFERS HIM ANOTHER GLASS FROM A DIFFERENT BARREL.)
M HOUNSLOW WEST: One more here, sir.
(MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM TASTES IT.)
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Ah... ah yes... yes... no mistaking this, this definitely is... er... wee-wee, isn't it?
M HOUNSLOW WEST: Yes it's wee-wee again.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Well, I've got a lot to learn...
M HOUNSLOW WEST: It has taken me many years to lay down these silly things. It is my life's work... this and baby-sitting.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Baby-sitting?
M HOUNSLOW WEST: Yes, sir, I love it.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Well my wife and I are going out on Thursday to see Oldham Athletic at the Talk Of The Town, could you help us out?
M HOUNSLOW WEST: Certainly sir... I'll be round about 7.30.
MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM: Lovely... then I'll try to get hold of a baby.
(THEY WALK OFF CHATTING. WE STAY ON THE BARRELS. A LID OPENS AND THE ANNOUNCER, SODDEN WITH WHATEVER WAS IN THE BARREL, LOOKS OUT FURTIVELY.)
ANNOUNCER: The next sketch follows after some silly noises.
(HE DUCKS BACK IN THE BARREL. CUT TO BLACK HALF A MINUTE OF VERY SILLY NOISES. GILLIAM SHOULD BE CONSULTED HERE AS HHE CAN MAKE MORE SILLY NOISES THAN ANYONE I KNOW, APART FROM MY MOTHER. ANYWAY, THESE SILLY NOISES GRADUALLY RESOLVE INTO CHURCH BELLS PEELING [sic] AND STILL OF A PARISH CHURCH IS FADED IN. CUT TO:
A VESTRY WHICH IS ALSO A VICAR'S STUDY
A DESK, SOME BOOKS ETC. A SIGN READS 'NO PAPISTS.' THE DOOR OPENS AND THE VICAR [MIKE PALIN] ENTERS AS IF FROM THE END OF A SERIVCE. HE TAKES OFF HIS CASSOCK...)
Once again, if you know the show in question you'll know that the shot of Palin's announcer was retained in the show despite the sketch itself being missing. And you also now know that the fluid he spits out of his mouth before making the announcement is supposed to be Eric Idle's piss.
As mentioned before, the 'Vicar's Study'/'Sherry' sketch features, in the background, a bust of the vicar which has obviously been crafted by Chapman's tortured and confused sculptor as it boasts a great big nose.
Other brief differences in the script - there is no 'E Henry Thripshaw' announcement at the end. The whole Thripshaw sketch was dropped in from Show 13 (again to fill in time-gaps). In fact, the announcement was originally set to end Show 13 (and, if you look carefully at said show, a subliminal one-frame shot of a BBC Globe shows where the edit took place) but this, and the 'Thripshaw' sketch itself, was dropped into Show 10. Again, to fill in time gaps.
The original camera script for Show 10 simply says 'FADE TO BLACK. CREDITS ARE RUN OVER SOUNDS OF NAUGHTINESS.'
Isn't this amazing? It bloody is you know....
This is only the first instalment of what will hopefully be an ongoing breakdown of the Flying Circus shooting scripts. Keep reading.
Once again, massive thanks to Jason Hazeley for sharing this stuff with us.
