a) The first is the removal of the ‘Ken Shabby’ sequence from the middle of the film. Lownes found the sketch ‘too repulsive’; the Pythons argued their corner, bar Cleese who agreed, even though his then wife Connie Booth reprised her TV role for the sketch. (The discarded celluloid was later used for the Shabby ‘Juliette’ photostory parody in the Big Red Book.

Shabby can be seen briefly in the film, plodding along the street just before the ‘Seduced Milkman’ sketch.)

(b) The second cut was ego-fuelled. Lownes’ title credit, as designed by Terry Gilliam, didn’t satisfy said producer, who reckoned it was too small. Gilliam walked away from the argument and Lownes got someone else to re-design that section of the titles. His name now appears in huge stone Gilliam-esque letters and is the only part of the sketch not animated. The Pythons later alluded to this in their Time Out listings parody (Time Out, 4/5/73), where - in the film section - they advertised ‘Playmate Cinema: ‘Victor Lowndes [sic] Presents’ (from Midnight) - The film of the millionaire (90 mins). The credit sequence is a little long (80 mins) but the rest of the film is nice and short.’

[NOTE: Hewison mentions that some prints of the film retain the original title sequence, but it’s obviously rare these days. Also, some video release versions feature no ‘Roar’ FX as the Playboy bunny opens its mouth pre-titles, and features the full, non-drowned-out musical fanfare.]

Known as ‘The Missing 24 seconds’ (and advertised as such on video releases that feature it), the footage appears to have been crudely edited back into the print and a noticeable judder and drop in picture quality can be detected at this point. The scene can be found at 39’18:

DINGO Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot. Oh, she is a bad person and must pay the penalty. (Suddenly comes out of character and turns to the camera) Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it. But now we’re glad! It’s better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

KNIGHT At least ours was better visually.

DENNIS At least ours was committed - it wasn’t just a string of pussy jokes.

SOOTHSAYER Get on with it...

TIM Yes, get on with it.

ARMY Yes, get on with it!!!

DINGO Oh, I am enjoying this scene!

GOD Get on with it!

The original rental edition of the video featured this sequence, along with the fantastic trailer (which included specially-filmed material) and an endless ‘Intermission’ sequence at the end of the film, which was presumably what the original audiences saw as they put on their duffels and left the cinema.

The first sell-through video featured none of the above. The current (1997) edition features ‘The Missing 24 Seconds’ and the trailer, but no ‘Intermission’ sequence.

The joke itself doesn’t feature in the ‘final draft’ script, which was published - with crayonic alterations - as the Monty Python And The Holy Grail (Book), so it can be safe to assume that ‘Castle Anthrax’ was one of the first scenes to be filmed (i.e., they knew in advance to film extra little cutaways featuring the characters coming out of character).

[NOTE: The Holy Grail scriptbook is excellent. Not only does it feature the entire original shooting script (allowing one to see exactly how the film took shape) but also the first draft, which featured lots of material that later turned up in the fourth TV series (hence Cleese’s occasional writing credits for this series). There is some ambiguity as to whether the book is a replica of the original script material or a genuine facsimile - however, given the sheer esoteric messiness of its presentation, we find its authenticity difficult to dispute. If it’s a parody, it’s a worryingly good one. However, it’s fair to assume that the handwritten alterations to the ‘final draft’ were made for the purposes of the book only, and that (a) many of the cut lines were filmed, and (b) the additional material was suggested mid-shoot.]

Both this scene and ‘You cunt’ were cut after the script-book of the film went to press, and these - among other odd changes - remain intact within the pages. Published along with a fantastic ‘scrapbook’ of further out-takes (from the writing sessions and the filmed material), it provides an excellent guide to the way the film was shaped.

The Canadian company that bought out Handmade Films recently trashed all the attendant raw footage. They did this because they didn't wish to pay storage costs. Okay, a few questions here…

a) Why didn't Roger Saunders, when drawing up the contracts for the transaction, put something in that said something along the lines of 'please don't trash all the raw footage from Handmade Films'.

b) Why didn't the company in question see fit to contact the Python office and say 'Gee Willickers, we're about to trash the goddamn rushes, maaannn'.

c) Why did the company in question see the need to trash the raw footage rather than donating it to a film preservation archive who would be more than willing to keep it safe?

d) Why are the Pythons curiously dismissive of the situation rather than jumping up and down shouting 'you dumb moose-fucking shitbags'. Before hearing of this situation we'd suggested to the Python office that a 'Director's Cut'-type affair of Brian should be released, reinstated the cut material. Roger Saunders missed the point completely and glibly announced that the current edit is the director's cut…

All that remains of the lost footage are a few edited scenes of varying quality. The NFT has aired these in the past , and certain out-takes are included on the Life Of Brian Laserdisc, along with the BBC documentary The Pythons which also features alternate takes and other ‘making of’ footage.

[NOTE (1): During the recent 30th Anniversary celebrations a special gala screening of Life Of Brian was presented in London's fashionable West End, attended by Cleese, Palin, Jones, Gilliam and Carol Cleveland. Paramount Comedy Channel went sniffing around there as usual, and broadcast a waste-of-time show called 'Monty Python - A Revelation' hosted by waste-of-time presenter Jonathan Ross which partly covered the event. The only merit of this programme was that the Brian out-takes were broadcast (though, being Jonathan Ross, he couldn't just allow them to be shown as is and instead decided to stage a mock 'scene-by-scene' travesty which enabled him and Terry Jones to talk all over the fuckers).

The 'Shepherds' scene (which would have started the film) was shown, with slightly distorted sound. An alternate version of the kidnap on Pilate’s enormous wife is revealed to be heavily scratched and discoloured. The 'Judean Peoples Front' seems okay, quality-wise (save for a cutaway to Brian during the exchange) and another sequence in which Judith Iscariot alerts Otto to Brian's imprisonment (featuring a fantastic dance from Cleese) looks like it's been gathering dust on Roger Saunders' floor for years.

At no point during the programme did Ross mention the fact that the raw footage had been trashed by twats, preferring to indulge in stupid-cunt jokes about 'finding the stuff in a black bin bag' (although, knowing Python Productions this probably isn't far from the truth) and the rest of the show featured contributions from Eddie Fucking Cunt Bastard Twat Izzard a-pissing-gain and 'rising star' Noel Fielding.

[NOTE: The ‘Judean People’s Front’ sketch, or the soundtrack thereof, was to be released on a special compilation LP of Python out-takes called, for want of anything official, Hastily Cobbled Together For A Fast Buck. This was shelved in the late 80s, but you can hear it in its entirety in HIDDEN ARCHIVE. This LP also features the 'Otto' marching song.]

Terry Jones plugs Life Of Brian to a TV audience who are too young to see it 

The discs were LP-sized and housed in a sturdy plastic sleeve. The cover would be inserted into the machine and removed (with the disc remaining inside which would then begin to play automatically). Unfortunately the programme was usually separated into Side One and Side Two (meaning that one had to go through the insertion process again halfway through).

The indexing system whereby the stylus would skim through to a desired part of the programme was pretty good though. In the case of Hollywood Bowl a (unique?) tracklisting was included. The timings refer to how far into the programme the track is placed:

Band 1 (0:00)
SILLY MAIN TITLES

Band 2 (2:00)
"SIT ON MY FACE"
(A Spirited Love Song)

Band 3 (3:00)
"WRESTLING"
(Harris vs. Harris)

Band 4 (6:00)
"NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB"
(A Song)

Band 5 (7:00)
"THE POPE"
(A Meeting with Michaelangelo)

Band 6 (11:00)
"NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB"
(Reprise)

Band 7 (11:00)
"SILLY OLYMPICS"
(A Film)

Band 8 (14:00)
"BRUCE'S SONG"
(An Australian Drinking Song)

Band 10 (18:00)
"THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS"

Band 10 (21:00)
"CAMP JUDGES"
(Behind the Scenes)

Band 11 (23:00)
"WORLD FORUM"

Band 12 (28:00)
"URBAN SPACEMAN"
(Sung by Neil Innes)

Band 13 (30:00)
"CRUNCHY FROG"
(The Whizzo Quality Assortment)

Band 14 (34:00)
"ALBATROSS"
(Intermission)

Band 15 (36:00)
"NUDGE NUDGE"
(Say No More!)

Band 1 (0:00)
"PHILOSOPHER'S FOOTBALL MATCH"
(A Film)

Band 2 (2:00)
"FOUR YORKSHIREMEN"

Band 3 (5:00)
"SOCCER MATCH UPDATE"

Band 4 (7:00)
"ARGUMENT CLINIC"

Band 5 (12:00)
"HOW SWEET TO BE AN IDIOT"
(Sung by Neil Innes)

Band 6 (14:00)
"FLASHER LOVE STORY"
(Animation)

Band 7 (16:00)
"TRAVEL AGENT"

Band 8 (22:00)
"CUSTARD PIE"
(Lecture and Demonstration)

Band 9 (29:00)
"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD"
(A Film)

Band 10 (32:00)
"SALVATION FUZZ"
(Featuring Rat Desserts)

Band 11 (36:00)
"LUMBERJACK SONG"

Band 12 (39:00)
SERIOUS CREDITS AND THE END

Defunct technology

The journos who covered the film when it was released weren't much better of course, trading on the controversy Life Of Brian left behind to announce that, once again, the Pythons had delivered a film which was going to shock the world (and illustrated their bletherings with shots of the unexploded Mr Creosote and Chapman chased by naked women to prove their point).

Most of the edit-spotting stuff re: Python films is covered in the MONTY PYTHON LPs section with a look at the various snipped lines which made their way to the soundtrack LP, but here are a few bits which aren't mentioned.

The Adventures of Martin Luther

CAPTION: ‘The Adventures of Martin Luther’

PALIN VOICE OVER The Adventures of Martin Luther!

CAPTION: ‘In Reform-O-Scope’

CAPTION: ‘Presented by the Protestant Film Marketing Board in association with Sol C.Ziegler, Andy Rotbeiner, and the people of Beirut’

PALIN V/O An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief shook the foundations of post-fuedal Germany in the grip of the 16th century!

CAPTION: ‘Germany, in the grip of the 16th century’

VOICE OVER It was a day much like any other in the little town of Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when the full force of the Reformation struck.

HYMIE (Fear on face) Mamie! Martin Luther’s out!

MAMIE Did yer get the suet, Hymie?

HYMIE Oy vay, the suet I clean forgot!

MAMIE The suet you forgot?

HYMIE The lard, the fish oil, the butterfat, the dripping, the wool grease I remember...but the suet, oy vay.

MAMIE (Pointing at Hymie’s brain) So what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue?

HYMIE Look out, here he comes! (Ushers Mamie inside)

MAMIE (Going inside) Girls, girls, your father forgot the suet! (Girls groan from inside house)

HYMIE Hello Martin.

MARTIN Where’s the john?

HYMIE Er...we don’t have one.

MARTIN No john? What you do?

HYMIE Er...we eat fat.

MARTIN And that stops you going to the john?

HYMIE It’s a theory.

MARTIN Yeah, but does it work?

HYMIE (Makes ‘It speaks for itself’ type gesture) We ain’t got no john.

MARTIN Yeah, but you need to go.

HYMIE Ah, you know how it is with theories. Somedays they fine, maybe one, two, three days. Then, just when it looks like you’re ready for to publish, whooosh - you need a new kitchen floor.

MARTIN Ah, you should be so lucky.

MARTIN Do you need any cleaning inside?

HYMIE Oh no, today it’s all going fine.

MARTIN  Ah. Well how’s about showing me the cutlery?

HYMIE Martin, I’ve got a woman and children in there.

MARTIN So, there’s no problem. I just look at a few spoons.

HYMIE I got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean.

MARTIN Honest, I don’t look at yer girls. I don’t think about them. There...(slaps head), I’ve put them out of my mind. Their arms and necks, their legs and bosoms...I wipe from my mind.

HYMIE You just want to see the spoons?

MARTIN My life, that’s what I want to see.

HYMIE (Opening the gate for Martin) I know I’m going to regret this...

MARTIN No, listen. Cutlery’s really my thing now. Girls with rooooooounnnnnd breasts (mimes cupping roooooounnnnnnd breasts) is over for me.

HYMIE  What am I doing? I know what’s going to happen!

MARTIN I’ll crouch behind you...

HYMIE Mamie, guess who’s come to see us.

MAMIE (Horrified) Hymie, are you out of your mind already? You know how old your daughters are!

HYMIE He only wants to see the spoons.

MAMIE What do you have to bring him into the house for?

HYMIE Mamie, he doesn’t think about girls any more.

MARTIN Mrs Meyer. As far as girls is concerned, I shot my wad.

MAMIE You shot your wad?

MARTIN Def-i-nite-ly!

MAMIE (Suddenly happy with Martin’s presence) Which spoons do you wanna view?

MARTIN (Cannot keep his eyes off the daughters) Er, I guess soup spoons...

MAMIE Now they’re good spoons.

MARTIN You got ’em arranged?

MAMIE  No, but I can arrange them for you.

MARTIN Oh, don’t put yourself to no bother, Mrs Meyer.

MAMIE It’s no bother. I want for you to see these spoons like I would want to see them myself.

MARTIN Oh, you’re too kind Mrs Meyer. (Affecting innocence) You could get your daughters to show me them...

MAMIE (Horrified again) Hymie! Get him out of here!

HYMIE Mamie, Mamie, he only asked for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons.

MAMIE Like you think I’m running some kind of bordello here?

MARTIN Mrs Meyer! How can you say such a thing?

MAMIE Listen, Martin Luther. I know what you wanna to do with my girls.

MARTIN Show me the spoons!

MAMIE You want for them to lift up their skirts and then lean over a chair with their legs apart.

HYMIE Mamie, don’t get excited.

MAMIE I’m getting excited? It’s him that’s getting excited!

MARTIN (Hits head, trying to convince himself) My mind is on the spoons!

MAMIE But you can’t stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs.

HYMIE Ohhhh, I gotta go to the bathroom...

MAMIE Hymie, I’m a married woman!

HYMIE So just show him the spoons!

MAMIE (To Martin) You don’t wanna put nothin’ up me?

MARTIN Mrs Meyer. You read my mind.

PALIN V/O Yes, another convert for the Protestants. But despite Luther’s efforts to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children multipli...(sound of him getting squashed)

[NOTES: This scene is reproduced in a slightly rougher, non-verbatim form in the Methuen scriptbook of the film. On-set photographs are used instead of many stage directions, and the Jewish accents are not mentioned. The sketch was due to come between the ‘Protstant Couple’ sketch (following ‘Every Sperm Is Sacred’) and the ‘Growth and Learning’ section.

We’ve never heard the team give their reasons why Martin Luther was cut, but...well, you can imagine what they were. They’d no doubt claim it was over-long and slowed the movie down, the usual stuff. Or they may have been worried there were too many oy vays for Hollywood to deal with. But while it’s true that the script seems in need of one last edit, it’s still a very funny piece - reminiscent of the final TV series in its densely-written oddness and ludicrous subject matter. Nothing revolutionary for the Pythons, but a sketch which would have been a slow-burning favourite among fans of the movie.]

The Hendys: Hotel Room 1

MRS HENDY Gee!

MR HENDY Wow!

MRS HENDY What a wonderful room!

MR HENDY Right. Real homey

MRS HENDY Yeah!

MR HENDY (To Ricky) Oh, could we have our cases down here please, Ricky?

MR HENDY (Amiably uncertain) Oh. Thank you.

MRS HENDY Isn’t he cute!

MR HENDY Sure is.

MR HENDY Oh, look at this darling!

MRS HENDY Ah, that’s wonderful. I love snowscapes.

MR HENDY Me too.

MRS HENDY Me too.

[NOTES: This seems an alternative scene to the one which actually introduced the heaven/Holiday Inn joke to the film. In fact, when we first witness the Hendys, it is midway through the film, and we do not imagine there is anything other-worldly about the dungeon restuaurant.

Blah blah, ponderingness, etc.]

The Hendys: Hotel Room 2

MR HENDY Well. Guess I could use a bath and, er...freshen up a little. Then maybe we could go explore.

MRS HENDY That’s a real good idea. I’m gonna just empty out the contents of my bag and have a look through them, OK?

MR HENDY Yeah. Great idea!

MRS HENDY Feeling bedder, honey?

MR HENDY Yeah!

MRS HENDY That’s good.

MR HENDY Well. What’s in yer handbag today, honey?

MRS HENDY Oh, just the usual things. (Idiot sing-song voice, head rocking back and forth) Powder case, lipstick, some packets of gum, hairbrush, diary, thirty eight tampons...

MR HENDY Thirty eight tampons?!

MRS HENDY I was just signing my name in, and the girl said to me, ‘How old are you?’ and I said, ‘I’m forrrrrrdy six’, and she said ‘Are you still menstruating?’, and I said, ‘Sure’...

MR HENDY Right.

MRS HENDY So she gave me a couple of these little boxes, courtesy of the Super Inn. (Hands her husband the box of tampons)

MR HENDY Oh!

MRS HENDY Aren’t they cute?

MR HENDY (Reads box) ‘Have a nice month’. Oh, that’s real good.

MRS HENDY You know, I really love this hotel, Marvin.

MR HENDY Me too!

[NOTES: ‘Have A Nice Month’ - Planned as a running joke? Or alternative to line as delivered in hotel lobby?]

The Hendys: The Restaurant

WAITRESS Hello. I’m Diane. I’m your waitress for tonight. Where you from?

MRS HENDY We’re from Room 259.

MR HENDY Where are you from?

WAITRESS Oh, I’m from out of those doors over there. (Points towards kitchen)

MR HENDY Ohhhhh.

WAITRESS (Unloading from a serving trolley) Ice water...

MRS HENDY Oh, thank you.

WAITRESS Coffee...

MR HENDY Thank you very much.

WAITRESS Ketchup.

MR HENDY Ooh, lovely. Real nice.

WAITRESS TV...

MR HENDY Ooh, now that’s fine.

MRS HENDY That’s swell.

MR HENDY Yeah.

WAITRESS Telephone...

MR HENDY A telephone?!

WAITRESS You can phone any other table in the restaurant after six.

MR HENDY Oh, that’s great.

MRS HENDY Some choice.

MR HENDY Yeah, right.

WAITRESS OK. D’yer want any food with yer meals?

MR HENDY Well, whaddya have?

WAITRESS Well, we have things shaped like this (indicates rectangular shape) in green, or things shaped like that (indicates spirally shape) in brown.

MR HENDY Whaddya think, darling?

MRS HENDY Well, it is our anniversary, Marvin...

MR HENDY Yeah, what the hell! We’ll have a coupla things shaped like that in brown, please.

WAITRESS OK, fine, thank you sir. (Scribbles in her pad) Two brown, number 259. And will you be having intercourse tonight?

MR HENDY (Taken aback) Er...do we have to decide now?

WAITRESS (Shrugs, non-commitally)

MRS HENDY Sounds a good idea, honey. I mean, it sounds swell. I mean, why not?

MR HENDY Yeah, right. Could be fun.

WAITRESS Compliments of the Super Inn. Have a nice fuck.

MR HENDY Oh, thank you.

WAITRESS  You’re welcome.

MR HENDY (Reads condom packet) ‘Super Inn Skins’. That’s nice.

A discarded idea, suggested by someone we can’t remember the name of, was to cut the reprise of the Mr Creosote restaurant scene (in which the surviving characters philosophise about the meaning of life) and tack it to the end of the film, running under the credits. This excellent proposal was sadly ignored which, in retrospect seems a shame as it would have provided a fantastic conclusion, Idle's French waiter leading us for miles and miles, getting all misty-eyed, very possibly about to reveal something special and finally telling us to fuck off. Class. It’s possible that this idea may have been considered but that they changed their mind at the last minute, which acounts for the section being labelled ‘Part 6b’ (thereby allowing them to retain ‘Death’ as the seventh-stage-of-man joke). Or not. Who knows. We don’t even like Monty Python much. Their parts for women were atrocious, the sketches were racist, and anyway they plagiarised everything they did from the Goons.