The plebs love it, and so do we. The pre-Merryfield half-hour episodes (1981-83) are the best, although even the more excruciating later shows remain very watchable. In fact, the first set of 50-minute shows is arguably the series’ second peak. The increase in ever-embarrassing pathos (1991 onwards) bogs it all down again though...
1.
In a 1998 repeat of ‘Tea For Three’ (first broadcast 21/9/86), part of a scene where Rodney presents a few mouldy bits of cheddar to a girl and explains that ‘it was all the Pakis’ had left’ was removed completely. It had, however, been broadcast intact a few years earlier. Similar racist dialogue also dominates the opening scene of ‘Hole In One’, first broadcast 7/3/85 (‘You won’t give me any credit, Del!’/‘Nor will that Paki!’), and this episode was absent from the 1998 repeats of Series 4. Curiously, Detective Inspector Slater (Jim Broadbent)’s reference to ‘catching a Paki gang’ went uncensored during the 1998 repeat of the ‘To Hull And Back’ Christmas film (25/12/85), presumably because the BBC felt it could still be justified in terms of character!
2.
The video of the two-part story ‘Miami Twice’ is a bastardisation of the two episodes (24/12/91 and 25/12/91). However, there were problems arising from the fact that one part had audience laughter while the other part didn’t. The video now features audience laughter throughout, and it is not clear whether this is canned laughter, or whether the episode had been re-shown to a new audience. The over-laid titles to the second part have also been removed.
3.
In ‘Hole In One’, there is a scene where Del and Rodney talk to Uncle Albert (Buster Merryfield) as he lies at the bottom of a cellar. However, the reaction shots of Del and Rodney come from a different session - in actual fact they are looking at Leonard Pearce, the actor who played ‘Grandad’, performing the same scene a few days before his death. Pearce died after he had completed the OB material for this episode, the first of the fourth series to be recorded, but before the studio recording session. Once Merryfield had been cast as Uncle Albert, it was decided that they could not only re-use the plot but utilise the original cutaways too.
4.
The episode, ‘Healthy Competition’ (Series 3, Show 2, 17/11/83) concerns Rodney’s attempts to branch out and set up his own business. After boasting that he intends to set up a self-catering holiday company, Grandad sarcastically replied, ‘What have you got - a Wendy house?’. This caused such an hysterical audience laugh (it must have been the way he said it) that the performance almost had to be put on hold while everyone composed themselves. Their hilarity was further roused by David Jason coming out of character and giving a mock tantrum: ‘I’m going to resign! Do you realise that Nick Lyndhurst and myself have spent twenty minutes in this show working our socks off, and Lennard Pearce, [who] hasn’t said a bloody word, just says ‘Wendy house’ and it gets the biggest laugh I’ve ever heard!’. The edit is quite good, although it is clear that the laugh has been truncated after its initial burst. Nicholas Lyndhurst’s desperate attempts to suppress his laughter are also obvious.
5.
The original transmission of the first series (8/9/81 - 13/10/81 & 28/12/81) featured different theme music for both the start and close of the show. This was typically bland sitcom-friendly music, largely inappropriate for the programme’s atmosphere, and was rightfully abandoned by the second series. With this in mind, the BBC pasted the two familiar John Sullivan songs (‘Only Fools And Horses’ and ‘Hooky Street’) over the top of the titles and credits when the series was first repeated in 1991. (This re-dubbing was also employed on the video release of the episodes.) However, the version with the original music was repeated, perhaps by accident, during repeat runs on UK Gold.
[Note: The first series episodes are: ‘Big Brother’, ‘Go West Young Man’, ‘Cash And Curry’, ‘The Second Time Around’, ‘Slow Bus To Chingford’ and ‘The Russians are Coming’, plus the festive special ‘Christmas Crackers’.]
6.
Steve Clark’s book The Only Fools And Horses Story (BBC Worldwide, 1998) features scripts from three cut scenes. Clark’s source was the original shooting scripts:
(a) This scene was filmed for ‘Friday The 14th’ (24/11/83), but made the episode too long. It occurs just before the trio are stopped by the police:
Del and Grandad are sitting outside a village pub. An old yokel (Michael Bilton) is smoking a pipe in the background.
DEL This is what it’s all about, innit Grandad eh? This is yer real England.
GRANDAD It’s lovely, innit? An’ it’s so clean an’ all.
DEL And I tell you what, shall I? Because the people out here have respect for their environment. (Throws his empty fag packet to the ground) Men went away in the war and fought and died for this.
GRANDAD I know - I almost did!
DEL You almost died?
GRANDAD No, I almost went away and fought for it.
DEL Oh yeah. (Pause) I love this life. This is what nature intended. Freshly baked bread, beer from the wood and honest food straight from God’s good earth.
(Rodney approaches with a tray of pints)
RODNEY (To Del) They’ve never heard of Pina Colada and they don’t do pizzas.
DEL Don’t do pizzas?! Stone me, what sort of dead and alive hole is this?
RODNEY (Worried that the Yokel might be offended) Shhh! (To Yokel) Morning.
YOKEL Af’rnoon!
RODNEY (Checks his watch, then taps it) This deep sea diver’s watch still ain’t working right.
DEL Leave off, Rodney. (Indicates Yokel) He’s trying to tell the time by the sun.
RODNEY But you can tell the time by the sun.
GRANDAD But it’s hardly bloody TIM is it?*
DEL He’s right n’all. (To Yokel) Lovely weather for a bit of sheep-shearing, eh?
YOKEL Oh arr, fine weather. Soon be turning though.
DEL Will it?
YOKEL You mark my words, sir. Before the night’s out, they’ll be a storm the likes of which you’ve never seen before. There’ll be thunder that’ll wake the dead from their sleep. Rain and flooding and a wind a’howling so fierce you’d think it came from the mouth of Satan himself!
(Del and Rodney look at one another and react)
GRANDAD Still, it’ll be good for the flowers won’t it?
(Del gives him a damning look)
RODNEY How do you country people know these things? Is it because the cows are all laying down or can you tell by the clouds?
YOKEL (Turns to face Rodney, and we see he is wearing an earpiece) No, I just heard the forecast on Radio 4.
(Rodney reacts)
DEL Come on, drink up!
[* 'TIM (or 816) is what you dialled on old phones to get through to the speaking clock, at least until the 1960s. It wasn't uncommon in those distant times for people to refer to the speaking clock as Tim.'(Thanks you, Mark Prosser for clearing up our TIME/TIM confusions.]
(b) From ‘The Jolly Boys’ Outing’ (25/12/89), this scene (filmed but then cut) follows the scene where the trio find a room at the Villa Bella:
The Trotters follow Inga (Bridget Erin Bates) upstairs. Mrs Cresswell (Rosalond Knight) follows them. Del looks into the Semprini room at a sad-faced Northern couple, Arthur (Michael Bilton) and Betty (Fanny Carby)
DEL Are you guests or has she hired you to cheer the place up?
ARTHUR No, we’re guests.
BETTY Guests, aye.
DEL This place is no Club Med, is it?
ARTHUR It’s really horrible here. The food’s awful.
BETTY Awful food.
ARTHUR And not much of it either.
BETTY No, she only allows you one jacket potato a day.
DEL Well, you never know - she might give you an extra lump of custard with yer afters.
ARTHUR Well she hasn’t previous years.
BETTY No.
ARTHUR Aye.
DEL Well, stay lucky.
________________________________________________
(c) This studio scene, which followed the post-auction sequence in Boycie’s showroom, was cut from the final episode ‘Time On Our Hands’ (29/12/96). It was abandoned at the rehearsal stage and therefore never recorded:
Raquel, Albert and Cassandra wait anxiously for Del and Rodney’s return. Albert is on the phone.
RAQUEL Where the hell are they?
CASSANDRA Perhaps they’re in a discussion with the directors at Sotherby’s.
(Raquel gives her a withering look)
CASSANDRA No, perhaps not.
RAQUEL Maybe they’re talking with the curator at the museum.
CASSANDRA Maybe.
ALBERT (To phone) Thanks a lot. (Replaces receiver) They’re not at the Nag’s Head.
CASSANDRA I guessed Rodney wouldn’t be in the Nag’s head, Albert.
RAQUEL Has he stopped drinking?
CASSANDRA No, he’s been barred.
We hear the front door close. Del and Rodney enter - Raquel, Cassandra and Albert look at them expectedly.
RAQUEL Well?
DEL Yeah, fine thanks.
RAQUEL No! I meant, what happened?
RODNEY Oh, at the auction?
CASSANDRA Yes, at the auction. Did it sell?
RODNEY Yeah it sold, didn’t it Del?
DELYes, we sold it.
ALBERT I knew it. Beautiful piece of machinery - how much did you get?
DEL Guess.
RAQUEL Oh come on, just tell us!
RODNEY No, go on, guess.
ALBERT Five thousand pounds?
DEL No.
Raquel and Cassandra’s spirits visibly sag in disappointment
ALBERT Six thousand.
DEL Close. Add a nought.
CASSANDRA Sixty thousand pounds?!
DEL You can tell she works in a bank, can’t you?
RODNEY Hardly any hesitaion. No, not sixty thousand. Add another nought.
ALBERT But that’s...what is that, Cassandra?
CASSANDRA Six hundred thousand pounds?!
DEL No! Will you tell ’em or shall I?
RODNEY Erm...you can have the privilege, Derek.
DEL Thank you Rodney. You two girls hold onto your hats. Add one more nought.
Raquel, Cassandra and Albert exchange disbelieving glances. Cassanda just stares wide-eyed at Rodney. Rodney returns a gentle nod. Raquel looks at Del and shakes her head. Del smiles and nods his head. Del hands them the Sotherby’s paperwork. They now look up at Del and Rodney.
DEL (To Rodney) Call intensive care.
RAQUEL (Stands up) Six million pounds???
DEL Mmm.
Pause. Raquel bursts into tears and rushes to the cocktail bar for a tissue.
DEL (To Rodney) Told you she’d be happy,
Albert and Cassandea sit in stunned silence. We now see Damian staring at Rodney. Rodney reacts. Damien smiles at Rodney. Rodney’s reaction is one of ‘Did Damien turn this thing round for us?’
DEL Now we’ve all gotta take things nice and easy - no going mad and splashing it around on anything that grabs our fancies. I know six million sounds a lot, but it’ll be very easy to blow it on little luxuries.
RAQUEL But we can go out in the week and look for a house can’t we?
DEL Of course we can, darling. (Pause) Any day except Wednesday. That’s when my Rolls Royce is being delivered.
7.
The Only Fools And Horses Story is a rather frustrating book, being factually comprehensive about some episodes yet fleeting and dismissive about others. Clark does, however, mention one little-known episode - a special sketch, designed to be sent to ‘entertain the troops’ during the 1991 Gulf War. Directed by Gareth Gwenlan and featuring Jason, Lyndhurst and Merryfield, the sketch was recorded as a camcorder home video. There was no time to edit the footage, so the rushes were despatched to the Gulf, fluffs and all. Jason began by announcing to camera ‘This is Derek Trotter reporting from a secret location somewhere in Southern England’. He then introduced the 3-wheel van, which had been painted in camouflage colours with a huge machine-gun positioned on the top and ‘London, New York, Kuwait’ written on the sun-visors. The dreadful script was written by John Sullivan:
DEL This is the Concorde of 3-wheelers. It’s just that you don’t know how to drive it. See, the van is like a woman...it needs caressing, and a bit of gentle persuasion.
RODNEY You could be right. It reminds me of some of your ex-birds - it drinks too much, makes funny noises and is old enough to know better.
At the end, Jason comes (vaguely) out of character:
DEL (Over a photo-montage of soldiers’ families) We’re all very proud of what you’ve achieved over there. Proud of your courage, your efficiency and the way you’ve carried it out. All we want you to do now is to get home as soon as possible. So, from all us here, Gawd bless you all. And don’t worry about the wives and girlfriends - I’ll look after them. They’re safe in my hands.
[NOTE: Clark does not mention whether he gleaned this dialogue from a script or from a video copy of the episode. The Only Fools And Horses Appreciation Society (Contact: Perry Aghanjanoff, PO Box 92, Romford, Essex RM6 9DN ) are equally silent on this matter.]
