Code: 23 as at 12/01/95
BOY WHO CRIED WOLF:
23/1 OPENING MONTAGE, DAY
WE SEE STEW IN FIELD, IN A SHORT SMOCK AND BARE LEGS, TENDING FLOCK. WE SEE VILLAGE MAIN STREET. PEOPLE IN ASTERIX STYLE CLOTHING GOING ABOUT THEIR DAILY WORK. A BIG BLACKSMITH HAMMERS AT AN ANVIL (LOOKS LIKE BLACKSMITH IN ASTERIX), A FISHMONGER (ASTERIX STYLE) SELLS FISH. A BAKER. OTHERS CARRYING STUFF. WOMEN WITH BABIES.
STU (TO CAMERA) About 2000 years ago I was working as a shepherd in a semi-mythical pre-biblical land..... My job was to look after the sheep in a hillside pasture overlooking a small village, the economy of which was largely dependent on the sheep farming industry. The work was easy - the sheep were fenced in and the only real risk to them was from predators, such as wolves for example.....
23/2 EXT, FIELD, DAY
WE SEE STEW LOOKING AROUND FOR DANGER. THERE IS NONE. THE SURROUNDING COUNTRYSIDE IS QUIET AND BORING. HE SIGHS AND LOOKS BORED
STEW (V/O) Basically I was supposed to warn the villagers if any approached. Not surprisingly, after about four days, say on the Thursday of the first week, I became bored.
STU Oh, what can I do to liven things up a bit? I know! (TO CAMERA) I went over to a cliff overlooking the village, the economy of which was dependant on the sheep farming industry and shouted .... (SHOUTING) Quick! Villagers! Come quickly! There is a wolf. There's a wolf!
23/3 EX VILLAGE STREET, DAY
CUT TO THE VILLAGE. THE VILLAGERS HEAR THE CRY AND IMMEDIATELY DROP THEIR TOOLS AND BABIES. THE BLACKSMITH PUTS DOWN HIS TOOLS. THE FISHMONGER PUTS DOWN HIS FISH. THEY ALL PICK UP STICKS AND BURNING BRANDS.
VILLAGERS A wolf!. Come on Quick.
23/4 EXT. HILL, DAY
WE SEE THEM RUN UP THE HILL, THROUGH A GATE OR OVER A STILE, AND THEN ARRIVE AT FIELD. THE BLACKSMITH IS FIRST.
BLACKSMITH Where is it? Where's the wolf?
STU There isn't one. It was a joke. Ha ha ha ha ha.
BLACKSMITH Sorry?
STU I was joking. Ha ha.
FISHMONGER AND TWO MEN .... Oh... Ha ha, yeah, I get it.
BLACKSMITH Look .... I appreciate that it must be boring for you, doing this shepherd job and that to you it might seem quite a funny idea to pretend there's a wolf, but your actions are irresponsible. My forge will have gone out now, and all the working men in the village will have lost half a days work.
MEN Yes.
BLACKSMITH It wasn't funny..
STEW The fishmonger is laughing
FISHMONGER He said there was a wolf.. but there wasn't! Ha ha ha. No wolf.
A COUPLE OF OTHERS LAUGH
BLACKSMITH Look, don't encourage him. We'll put this down to youthful high spirits and forget about it. Ok, but don't do it again.
STEW No, I won't.
STEW MAKES A FACE AS IF HE IS ASHAMED. THE VILLAGERS TURN TO LEAVE. WE SEE THEM WALKING BACK. THE FISHMONGER IS STILL LAUGHING. THE BLACKSMITH LOOKS ANGRY. STEW'S FACE CHANGES TO A SMIRK.
STU (TO CAMERA) And I made a serious face to trick them into thinking I was ashamed but secretly I was laughing at them behind their backs and they never knew..
CUT TO ANOTHER DAY. STEW LOOKING BORED IN THE FIELD
23/5 EXT, FIELD, DAY
STEW (TO CAMERA) About a week later I was bored out of my mind again. (MAKES IDEA FACE) I know I'll do that shouting out about the wolf thing again.. (TO CAMERA) I went again to the cliff overlooking the village, the economy of which was very dependant on the sheep farming industry. (SHOUT) Hey! Villagers! Come on quickly! There's a wolf.
23/6 EXT, VILLAGE, DAY
CUT TO VILLAGE. MOST VILLAGERS ARE DROPPING STUFF, PICKING UP BRANDS. A FEW, INCLUDING THE BLACKSMITH ARE SUSPICIOUS.
BLACKSMITH What, really?
23/7 EXT, FIELD, DAY
STEW IN THE FIELD
STEW Er... Yes. I know there wasn't before, but there really is this time.
23/8 EXT, VILLAGE, DAY
BACK IN VILLAGE
BAKER Well, alright then.
THE BLACKSMITH LOOKS UNCONVINCED BUT PUTS DOWN TOOLS ANYWAY. FISHMONGER PUTS DOWN FISH. THEY RUN UP HILL, THROUGH GATE OR OVER STILE AND THEN THEY ARRIVE AT THE FIELD. LOOK AROUND
BLACKSMITH Where is it. Where's the wolf.
STU It's in those bushes.
23/9 EXT, BUSHES, DAY
MEN RUN TO THE BUSHES, BEATING THE BUSHES. THERE IS NOTHING.
BLACKSMITH Where is it? We can't see any wolf.
STU Ha ha! There isn't one! I tricked you. Ha ha ha ha ha!
SMITH What. Again? Were you listening to what I said before?
STEW NODS ASHAMED.
BLACKSMITH This really isn't funny this time.
STEW The fishmonger thinks it's funny look.
FISHMONGER HAS BEEN SUPPRESSING A LAUGH. HE LETS IT OUT.
FISHMONGER It is funny. He said there was a wolf. But there wasn't. He tricked us all again.
BAKER Well I thought it was quite funny last time, but it isn't funny a second time.
FISHMONGER I think it's funnier.
BLACKSMITH Look, shut up alright. You'll encourage him. (TO STEW) Look, you seem like a nice bloke, you know, but you're looking for trouble
STU Sorry, I didn't think.
BLACKSMITH You know, you have to think .. my forge is out now - that's another half a day of work wasted. That now puts all of us a whole full day off our monthly production targets. So, really, don't do it again. Or you'll regret it (CLENCHES FIST) That's just a friendly warning. OK..... now I'm trusting you ....
THEY ALL TURN TO LEAVE. THE FISHMONGER STILL LAUGHING. SHAKING HIS HEAD
FISHMONGER Ha ha! No wolf. Ha ha.
THE OTHERS HIT HIM.
STU'S SERIOUS FACE. TURNS TO LAUGHTER AGAIN. HE IS CLEARLY PLANNING TO DO THE SAME THING
23/10 EXT, FIELD, DAY
CUT TO LATER ... STU BORED IN FIELD
STU Even despite the threats I soon became bored again and had no option but to go once more to the cliff overlooking the village the economy of which was very dependant on the sheep farming industry (SHOUT) (ECHO) Heeey! Villagers! Come quickly! There's a wolf.
23/11 EXT, VILLAGE, DAY
MEN There isn't.
STU There is this time, really! It's getting the sheep. It's biting them with it's mouth. It's eating their.... wool ... and you'll need that. what with your economy and everything. Come on.
THEY VERY RELUCTANTLY GO THROUGH THE USUAL PROCESS, WEARY NOW. BLACKSMITH LAYS DOWN TOOLS. FISHMONGER CLOSES SHOP. MEN PICKING UP STICKS AND BRANDS. SLUGGISHLY TRAIPSE UP THE HILL, THROUGH GATE OR STILE, AND INTO THE FIELD
23/12 EXT, HILL, DAY
BLACKSMITH Where is it. Where's the wolf'?
STU There isn't one. Ha ha ha ha!
BLACKSMITH I can't believe you've done this again. It just isn't funny. Not even the fishmonger is laughing now.
STEW I think the fishmonger thinks it's funny, but he's suppressing it because he's afraid you other men will hit him.
FISHMONGER I'm not. I liked it the first two times, but now it's boring.
SMITH Look, it isn't funny right?
STU You can't say that. I thought it was funny even if you didn't.
BLACKSMITH No. It wasn't funny. It's was just the same joke every time anyway. If maybe you'd had the imagination to have the sheep attacked by some other animal, vary it a bit, say a mountain cat, maybe that would have been funny, or maybe even a surreal animal like a fish. But you didn't even do that. It was just a wolf everytime and that isn't funny. It's just repetitive and boring.
STEW For me, it is the repetition that makes it funny. The simple audacity of not even varying the animal, of it just being the same thing, a wolf, every time, is why it is funnier every time.
BLACKSMITH Listen. It just isn't funny.
STEW You can't say it just isn't funny. Humour is a subjective thing. You weren't listening.
BLACKSMITH No because I used to work as a television producer in comedy dept. I produced Alas Smith & Jones actually. Yes, that's right. So I know what is funny and the wolf repetition isn't. People don't want to see stuff like that.
STEW They do. Aaaaah
SMITH Don't start that.
THE BLACKSMITH PUNCHES STEW. STEW IS LEFT BLOODY ON THE FLOOR, BUT SMIRKING, WHILE THE SMITH IS ANGRY.
STEW Even though I'd been punched down to the ground, I was kind of smirking, I had a smirk on my face, but the blacksmith had really lost his temper, and my casualness was annoying him even more, so I had still won really.
BLACKMITH We'll have to let you go if this happens again. We'll give you one more chance, because I don't want to see you ruin your life and job prospects over something so stupid. I hope you respect me for that. For my fairness.
STEW Yes, I do. You are very fair.
THE MEN LEAVE.
STEW I didn't really respect him. I thought he was weak.
CIJT TO A LATER DATE
23/13 EXT, FIELD, DAY
FILM OF WOLF ATTACKING SHEEP IN NEXT BIT.
STU (TO CAMERA) The next week a wolf really did appear and attacked the sheep. Before I could do anything it had killed two lambs and taken out about 4 of the ewes, which obviously was really bad news for a village whose economy so depended on the sheep farming industry. I ran to the cliff. (SHOUT) .... Come on, there's a wolf, come quickly. It's attacking the sheep.
23/14 EXT, VILLAGE, DAY
MEN Piss off! I expect Jimmy Hill is attacking the sheep too isn't he.
23/15 EXT VILLAGE, DAY
STU (TO CAMERA) Within minutes the flock was decimated and the most basic short term economic survival of the community that had employed me was called seriously into doubt. Needless to say I was sacked.
CUT TO BLACKSMITH TALKING TO STU
WE SEE STEW LEAVING THE VILLAGE. BELONGINGS IN HANKY ON END OF STICK. LEAVING IN SHAME
Stew in studio and that is why etc.
CODE: 23A AS AT 12/01/96
BOY WHO CRIED WOLF INTERVIEW DOCUMENT
OFFICE. OLD FASHIONED, BIBLICAL OFFICE, WITH ABACUSES AND STUFF, BUT PERHAPS A PHONE OR A WPC MADE OUT OF WOOD MAYBE .... TRADE CALENDAR OF WOMEN POSING WITH SHEEP.. OR IN YASHMAKS. MAN BEHIND DESK IN SHEPHERDY CLOTHES BUT WITH GLASSES. STU IS AT DESK LOOKING AT MAN WHO IS READING NOTES.
MAN I understand from your application form that you are interested principally in the areas of sheep and sheepcare.
BOY That is correct. It's what I have trained in and all my experience is in that field.
MAN Hmmm. Suppose for example I were to present you with a sheep, which seemed to be in some pain, and whose stomach was all swollen up. What would you do?
BOY I would lightly puncture the stomach of the sheep to release the pressure of gas that had obviously built up due to the ingestion of over ripened feed.
MAN That's correct. I can see from your knowledge and qualifications that you are eminently suitable for thejob ... there'sjust one problem. Is this your name here.
BOY Er ... no.
MAN Well, it's on your application form ... it's just that this is the name of that lad who caused so much trouble last year crying out that there was a wolf when there wasn't. That wasn't you was it?
BOY No.
MAN Are you sure?
BOY Alright yes, it was me.
MAN Then, I'm sorry but I can't possibly give you the job
BOY Oh come on ...
MAN No.
BOY I won't do it again ...
MAN That is what you said last time.
BOY I mean it now though ...
MAN I'm sorry but there's no way I can possibly allow myself to take that kind of a risk. You are, after all, quite literally, the boy who cried wolf.
BOY OK, ok, no need to rub it in.
© 1996 lee and herring
NOTES: The 'Job Interview' sketch was actually shown, after several false starts due to a faulty tape, to the audience as part of the studio session. But, having sat through two shows (Shows 5 and 6 of the second series were recorded together) and a million retakes ordered by producer Sarah Smith, nobody really seemed in the mood to laugh at the punchline. Bit of a shame.
