BONZOS SPECIAL
[‘WE ARE NORMAL’ is played in full. The song is totally mimed, including the long introductory soundscape and chattering voices. One can only speculate what the visuals to the sequence may have been. Something worryingly dada-esque one would expect…
We… (FX: BUBBLES) FX: BACKWARDS DRUM TAP THROUGHOUT.
We are….
FX: VARIOUS SOUNDSCAPE ELEMENTS ARE ADDED – SAXAPHONES PLAYING RANDOMLY, PERCUSSIVE BANGS AND THE FOLLOWING RANDOM VOICES:
We… We are…
And, er, here come some normals. They look like normal…Hawaiians.
You think you’re normal?
Yes, quite normal.
Okay, here comes one
Well, er…it’s not for me to deter really, is it – it’s for a psychiatrist to deter these things, isn’t it?
I like their food, and they are very nice people.
Oh, it’s alright here.
Smart…short back and sides.
Well, it’s like a rabbit. He’s got a head on him like a rabbit.FX: SOUNDSCAPE SPEEDS UP TO BE REPLACED BY A FANTASTIC BACKING TRACK
We are normal and we want our freedom
We are normal and we dig Bert Weedon.TRACK FADES INTO SEASHORE FX]
[NOTE: The bemused voices in the soundscape appear to be vox pops of a similar sort to those who were later confused by Vivian Stanshall’s questions on Tadpoles’ ‘Shirt’. Although Stanshall doesn’t appear in an interview role on ‘We Are Normal’ (an American voice asks the questions – possibly Dave Clague) one Vox Pop voice announces ‘He’s got a head on him like a rabbit’. Vivian Stanshall is rumoured to have conducted the ‘Shirt’ interviews in a rabbit suit.]
STANSHALL
Hello. I’m Vivian Stanshall and that was the first number which gave you some idea of the corking fun to follow. Well, we…(stammers)…we are normal, this the nam of the nub(?), of course we are normal and it’s to do with living together. Our next number is about human relationships.[‘MY PINK HALF OF THE DRAINPIPE’ follows. All vocals are live, which is really great.]
You who speak to me across the fence of common sense
How your tomato plants might win a prize, won’t that be nice,
And by the way, how’s the wife?
Your holidays were spent in Spain, you’re wet like rain, you’ll go againHave you seen me bullfight poster on the wall
Do you know the ‘appy memory it recalls
Here’s a photograph of me and my son, Ted
That’s me cousin with his ‘anky on his ‘ead,
We got our ‘otel, just after two
And met a family from Bradford that we knew
I love that melodyMy pink half of the drainpipe
Separates next door from me
My pink half of the drainpipe, oh mama,
Belongs to meRodney’s big sax solo as promised
My pink half of the drainpipe
Semi-detatch
My pink half of the drainpipe, oh mama,
Belongs to moiI’ve a sister in Toronto who’s a nurse
And I’ve had a bit of bother laying turf
It’s life, not books, that’s taught me all I’ve learnt
Ooops, in the oven, my rice pudding’s getting burnt
Ere, have you seen the new attatchment on me drill
We’ve got to have the cat put down cos it’s ill, you knowHowdy, neighbour
My pink half of the drainpipe
I may paint it blue
My pink half of the drainpipe
Keeps me safe from youI’m a wobbly jelly, You’re a pink blancmange
I’m a sherry trifle, you’re a chocolate sponge
My dad wears a paper hat, yours inflates balloons
Whoops, deedledee dee pop
Here comes the spoon.My pink half of the drainpipe
Separates me from the incredably fascinating story of your life and every day to day events in each and every tedious attempt into detail, was it a Thursday or a Wednesday or, what the hell does it matter because you’re normal and if you’re normal I intend to be a freak for the rest of my life and I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinos in the kitchen and incessant quotations from Now We Are Six through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty’s giant poisoned electric head. So theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee…
[NOTES: The final ‘so there’ lasts for ages, and continues for a bit even after the backing track has finished. The length is achieved by mixing together a few instances of Stanshall’s vocal, overlapping at certain points. For Colour Me Pop one of the vocals is live so it sounds slightly more obvious.]
FX: PHONE RINGS
VOICE 1 Hello, yes?
VOICE 2 Here is a newsflash.
FX: EXPLOSION
[NOTE: The above presumably featured Roger Ruskin Spear and his pyrotechnics. A routine featuring Spear and an exploding radio was regularly performed live, and captured on videotape on Beat Club for German TV.]
[‘HUMANOID BOOGIE’ (from Doughnut…) follows. The original song has a double-tracked vocal. For this performance, Neil Innes provides one of these live. There also appears to be the odd live drum beat].
Hi there!
Some people say it with flowers, some people say it with Lloyds
But you don’t find many trying to say it with humanoidsWell the humanoid boogie’s got the humanoid hip types
Jumpin and a jivin', burning out their energy cells
Like an infra-red hot dog.Motorbike heartbeats flutter to the stutter
Of the humanoid heartthrob throbbing out a ticker-tape tune
By the light of the moonBleep bleep keep rocking daddy, do the stroll
Because the humanoid boogie’s full of humanoid rock n’rollMad Dan, Superman and Henrietta Holocaust
Introduce to you what’s new
On the humanoid scene
It’s a wow, it’s a screamNick nack, paddywack, give a dog a humanoid,
Let’s have fun, gotta get a personality-cell
If it all goes well.Bleep bleep keep rocking Daddy, catch the power
Because the humanoid boogie’s been requested onto a humanoid hourOh baby
Some people say it with flowers, some people say it at Lloyds
But you don’t find many trying to say it with humanoidsWell the humanoid boogie’s gonna get to number one
In the cha-cha-cha-cha-charts
Voted by the people-eople-eople-eople-eople-eople
Of the record-buying publicoidProgrammed to a multiple response ratio
It’s a wow, it’s a gas, it’s a wall streeet crash
Like cigar ashBleep bleep, keep rocking Daddy, do the stroll
Because the humanoid boogie’s full of humanoid rock and rollOh yeah.
[NOTES: This is one of Neil Innes’ best loved songs. He later performed it live with GRIMMs, not to mention on Innes Book Of Records (as a Scottish Frankenstein’s monster in Hogmanay-mode). He still regularly performs a groovy acoustic version during his live shows.]
[The backing track to ‘RHINOCRATIC OATHS’ is played. Vivian Stanshall provides an exclusive narration]:
STANSHALL
This week, Outrage takes a long hard look at the homes and habits of Britain’s most unusual band. Multi-instrumentalist and self-styled fuerher of North London, Rodney Slater relaxes with his pet parrots, Pearl and Teddy. His exquisite taste in home-decoration is seen here – the beautiful piggy bank perfectly matches the enchanting surroundings. Rodney’s been with the band since its inception. He is an accomplished belcher. When he moves into his new home, Rodney hopes to be breeding warthogs. Ah, he seems to have done something on Rodney’s neck. (Character voice, a la Johnny Morris) I aint done naffing, mate… The pussy-booth(?).Composer, Neil Innes works on through the small hours, relentlessly searching for that elusive melody that could be top of the pops. Could this be number one? We sincerely hope not. It’s Neil’s ambition to hear one of his songs performed by the NDO. His mother breeds Irish wolfhounds. Neil weighs eleven stone. Is anybody really interested in this rubbish?
(At this point the backing track changes to ’11 MOUSTACHIOED DAUGHTERS’).
STANSHALL
New boy, Dennis Cowan, arrives at a gig. He unfurls his specially-padded sleeping bag and climbs in. Dennis has been with the band for three months. He is incredibly lazy. He dreams perhaps of Christmas turkey. Will he find a five shilling piece in it this year? Or perhaps he’s dreaming of……superstar Legs Larry Smith. Larry leaves his bungalow-style flat in fashionable Knightsbridge, London, near Europe, a host of admirers and well-wishers are waiting outside, some of them have been queuing since three o’clock the previous day. ‘Sure I’ll sign’, says likeable Larry, ‘Nice to see you. Sorry, no locks of hair today, but…’, enough is enough, he has to say no. The perpetual pop of the flashbulbs and unending autographs take their toll on the boy. The strain is beginning to show. He drops by in his favourite club, ‘Dirty Dick’s’, made popular by London’s bohemian set. ‘God, I’m just dying for a drink’, says Larry. He’s greeted by the charming host, Graeme, a retired ear-piercer. ‘I’ll take that coat’, says Graeme. ‘Thanks, sailor’, says Larry, ‘Hmmm-mmf, what a day I’ve had. And what better way of replacing what the day took out than with ‘Adultcham’, the bubbling, sparkling drink of the stars. Mmm-mm, whoops, there goes that glace cherry, uh-oh and he’s found an apple. ‘Adultcham’ served slightly warm is delicious; cold, it makes a excellent aftershave. Whoops. Yes, ‘Adultcham’, the drink of the stars, I’ll repeat that, that’s ‘Adultcham’, spelled K-E-Y-N-S-H-A-M. ‘Adultcham’. I’ll repeat that, that’s ‘Adultcham’, spelled K-E-Y-N-S-H-A-M.
Poet, philosopher, artist and alcoholic, Vivian Stanshall, plays boogie and be-bop to show himself up. Oh dear. Well. Well it doesn’t seem to be going right today. Perhaps he should have stuck to art. Just like the old days. What’s this? ‘How To Hypnotise Yourself’? If only it was like…if only it was like 1967.
(Backing track goes back to ‘RHINOCRATIC OATHS’)
STANSHALL
In 1967 I really got my finger out. Yes, the Duke of Edinburgh said that. If only I was painting again. This one’s called ‘Chameleon Tracks’. Notice the mongoose. Notice the rhinoceros. Brainstorm! He’s attacked by a gigantic sock. Have you tried dynamite? ‘How do I get out of it’, he gibbers. His lovely wife has the answer. Go on, sock it to me. That’s the most unconvincing sock I’ve ever seen.Roger Ruskin Spear, son of his famous father, sits at home fiddling on a new kinetic sculpture. Hmm, that won’t do. I think I’ll try…yes, go on yer sulky bugger, leave off…easy. But his lovely wife, part-time stripper, Rose, calls him from the kitchen. ‘Just coming’, says Roger. Hmmf. Oh no, not that again. Hello, that’s Roger’s son Justin. Roger really knows the job. He’s attacking his food with tremendous force. (character voice again) ‘I don’t though, I reckon they’re a load of nutters, you know what I mean?’; ‘Yeah, I think I know what you mean’; ‘Know what I mean?’; ‘Yeah, I think I know what you mean’.
[NOTE: Several Bonzos running jokes here, in particular the allusion to ‘Keynsham’ (spelt K-E-Y-N-S-H-A-M) which became the conceptual basis for the group’s fourth LP of that name. The ‘I’ll repeat that…’ reference is also evident on ‘Shirt’, the famous vox-pop parody on Tadpoles. Other obsessions crop up in the narrative – Piggy Banks; Rhinos, etc…]
[The following sequence is voiced by speeded up robotic voices.]:
ROBOT 1
(vaguely David Frost-ish) Well good evening and welcome. Tonight, as you know, is ‘Robots Half Hour’, and our big guests tonight are with me in the studio so we’ll have a look at the first one straight away – this is the wonderful electric singing star, Seamus O’Connor. Good Evening, Seamus.ROBOT 2
Well, good evening, David. It’s wonderful to be here.ROBOT 1
Well it’s certainly nice to have you here. And what are you going to sing for us tonight, Seamus?ROBOT 2
A little song which goes something like this… (sings ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’)ROBOT 1
(Vocals now slightly less speeded) Well that was really wonderful, Seamus. Well at the moment you can see I’m doing my famous slow-motion juggling routine. The ball is going so fast you can’t even see it. Isn’t that marvellous. But now it’s time to meet our last guest, and he’s going to say goodbye to you in his well-known fashion, it’s that wonderful gentleman from the West Coast of America, the hippy district, and here he is to say a few words to you…ROBOT 3
(SLOW VOCALS) Well, I’d just like to say that the events I’ve seen tonight have blown my miiiiiinnnnnd… (HEAVY REVERB ON THE LAST WORD)ROBOT 1
Get that great twit out of the studi…oh, er, good evening, well that’s all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen so until next week it’s goodbye from me…well I’ve never been so insulted in all my life, what on earth’s going on…(MUTTERS, OFF)
[‘HELLO MABEL’ follows. ‘Oh, how deliciously artificial’, remarks Stanshall in reference to the intro.]
You know, people may say that it will never do,
But I can’t help the way I feel when I’m with youHello Mabel, are you able to come out today
It’s a lovely day, won’t you come and stay
Hello Mabel, if you’re able, slip out on your own
Lose your chaperone and we can be alonePeople may say it will never do
But I can’t help the way…Hello Mabel, if you’re able, say you’ll come please do
Just for an hour or two, you know I love youMm, that’s nice
Hello Mabel (Hiah Fellah)
People may say it will never do
But I can’t help the way I feel when I’m walking out with you
Hello Mabel, if you’re able, slip out on your own
Lose your chaperone and we can be aloneShoodlee-Bee, Shoodlee-Wasp, Shoodla Wah Wah Waaaah
[NOTES: At a guess, Stanshall must surely have performed this, singing through a prop megaphone like all those 20s crooners.]
[After which we get the following version of ‘LOOK AT ME, I’M WONDERFUL’, a variation on a routine which was regularly performed live]:
FX: FAKE APPLAUSE
STANSHALL
About 48 years ago we had a wonderful personality on the show and so many of you have written in asking if we could see him again and we’ve brought him back tonight. Here he is, Superstar, Legs Larry Smith.FX: FAKE APPLAUSE
STANSHALL
It’s really wonderful having you on the show, Larry.SMITH
Well, Vivian, it’s wonderful being back here.STANSHALL
It’s wonderful for you to say it’s wonderful being on the show. Tell me, do you remember a little something you did in the bar for us, way way back?SMITH
Certainly, I do.STANSHALL
Will you give it to us tonight?SMITH
Vivian, I’d love to.STANSHALL
Hey, I loved your latest record.SMITH
I loved your last record, it was wonderful.STANSHALL
How about having a drink after the show?SMITH
I’m on for that, Vivian.STANSHALL
Oh good grief, charming smile.FX: FAKE APPLAUSE
SMITH (SINGS)
Look at me, I’m wonderful, shooby dooby wah (FX: FAKE APPLAUSE)
I’m not a bit like you, or you – I’m a super showbiz star (FX: FAKE APPLAUSE)
You all buy my records and I’d like to say
Some little old cliché, like that of…
Thank you very much, it’s wonderful being back in your country again. Thank you.
In fact, I’m a…[Legs Larry Smith appears to have an accident of some kind]
[NOTE: Neil Innes often tells a humorous tale during his live show about the time Legs Larry fell arse over tit over some tables while tap dancing for the punters (and how the band were unable to assist the hapless drummer due to being on the floor of the stage, helpless with laughter).]
How To Tap with ‘Legs’ Larry Smith
[NOTE (2): The song was eventually released on Keynsham, but without the interview routine which usually accompanied it. The LP version featured ‘Legs’ Larry in his dressing room, singing the song , a capella, to himself, as he awaited a stage appearance. The second part of the song (not included in the Colour Me Pop performance) highlights Legs’ tapdancing skills.)
‘CANYONS OF YOUR MIND’ begins. Luckily, this has been shown on TV a few times (notably on BBC’s Sounds Of The Sixties – In Living Colour and Peel Night) so we know exactly what’s going on. Again, the vocals are live, which allows a lovely spoken intro from Stanshall:
This is the B-side of our single, sports fans - hope it makes you sick
I don’t really mean that – honestly, we’re very nice chaps reallyIn the canyons of your mind, I will wander through your brain
To the ventricles of your heart my dear, I’m in love with you again
Cross the mountains of your chest, I will stick a Union Jack
Through the forests of your cheek, through the holes in your string vest
[Neil Innes hams up his mimed guitar solo by pretending to play with his teeth a la Hendrix. Stanshall touches him and shouts fan-clichés like ‘I’ll never wash it’. During the next verse, Stanshall emerges, stage right, wearing a horrifying mask.]
My darling, in my cardboard coloured dreams (Cardboard coloured dreams)
Once again I hear your laugh (Ooh-ooh-ooh)
And I kiss, yes I kiss your perfumed hair (But she’s not there)
The sweet essence of giraffe (Of giraffe)And each time I call your name (Frying Pan, Frying Pan)
Oh, oh oh, oh how it hurts (He’s in pain)
In the wardrobe of my soul (Of my soul)
In the section labelled ‘Shirts’[Stanshall’s rockstar ‘Uh…oh…’s are minus the usual ridiculous studio echo (‘I can’t get it together’, he complains), and the final belch is performed very live indeed.]
[NOTE: ‘Legs’ Larry’s mimed drumming is ridiculously inept in places for this performance – a factor which may have contributed to the staid, robotic, unnatural, Dada-drumming of the band’s Beat Club performance of the song.]
‘I’M THE URBAN SPACEMAN’ follows and its wonderful visuals are hereby depicted with screengrabs courtesy of BBC TV’s The Rock N’Roll Years .
[NOTE: The routine here is very similar to the performance of the song on Do Not Adjust Your Stocking which would have been broadcast the same month.]
I’m the Urban Spaceman baby, I’ve got speed
I’ve got everything I need
I’m the Urban Spaceman baby, I can fly,
I’m a supersonic guy.
I don’t need pleasure, I don’t need pain
If you were to knock me down, I’d just get up again
I’m the Urban Spaceman baby, I’m makin’ out
I’m all aboutI wake up every morning with a smile upon my face
My natural exhuberance spills out all over the place
I’m the Urban Spaceman, I’m intelligent and clean,
Know what I meanI’m the Urban Spaceman as a lover second to none
It’s a lot of fun
I never let my friends down, I’ve never made a boob
I’m a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube
I’m the Urban Spaceman babe, but here comes the twist
I don’t exist
[At the close of the song, Stanshall demonstrates how they achieved the mock brass section on the record – by honking through a length of hose while whirling it dangerously around his head. When they recorded the song in the studio, the technicians were horrified by the idea of such an action and insisted it couldn’t be done. Luckily the session was produced by Paul McCartney and he insisted it was possible (by sticking a mic in each corner of the studio to pick up the whole sound) and nobody could bring themselves to argue with a Beatle. When the single was released, the Bonzos – much to their management’s horror – insisted on crediting Macca as ‘Apollo C. Vermouth’.]
[The musical background to the next section is played on a harpsicord and appears to be an early version of the melody to ‘Boiled Ham Rhumba’. Some of Stanshall’s narration featured in ‘Rhinocratic Oaths’. ]
STANSHALL
And now, four poems…(clears throat)…three poems.Shortly before setting off for Borloine, Sir Hubert Carpet was astonished to find a pair of swimming trunks on his head. ‘I say, what a fearful piece of luck’, he exclaimed, adjusting his glasses under the thick blue wool, and with a great laugh he threw himself out of the window and on to a passing lorry.
After his second wife passed away, Percy Rawlinson seemed to spend more and more time with his alsation, Al. His friends told him ‘Percy – you’ll wind up looking like a dog, ha ha’. He was later arrested near a lamppost. At his trial, some months later, he surprised everyone by mistaking a policeman for a postman and tearing his trousers off with his bare teeth. In his defence, he told the court ‘It’s hard to tell the difference when they take their hats off’.
Pop singer Hugh Nique was pleased to find himself the centre of controversy at a recent bazaar. No sooner had he finished judging the Gracious Grandmother event when he expressed a desire to enter himself in the pie-eating competition. After polishing off fifty one pork and seven steak and kidneys he was violently and some say deliberately sick over several of the spectators. The next day, a photograph of Hugh disgorging appeared on the front page of the Daily Bugle. His single record, ‘Macaroni Puke’ which lasts for three and a half days, enters the chart this week at number two.
Much as he hated arguments or any kind of unpleasantness, Ron Shirt thought things had gone too far when, returning from a weekend at Clacton, he found that his neighbour had trimmed the hedge dividing their mutual gardens into the shape of a human leg. Beside himself with rage, Ron seized his garden shears and trimmed his white poodle Leo into a coffee table. ‘That’ll fix things’, though Ron. But he was wrong – the next day his neighbour had his bushy waist-length hair trimmed and permed into a model of the Queen Elizabeth and went sailing. Everywhere he went, people shouted ‘Hooray’. Sometimes you just can’t win.
[NOTE: The Hubert Carpet section, although not on ‘Rhinocratic Oaths’, is alluded to during the fade out of ‘Trouser Press’. The narration at the close of the latter song actually sounds like it may be a ‘Rhinocratic…’ out-take, dropped in for amusement.]
[NOTE (2): The piece features early allusions to the Rawlinson clan, not to mention another shirt reference. The character 'Hugh Nique' is also referred to in one of the 'Craig Torso Show' sessions (with his band 'The Originals')]
[NOTE (3): On the engineers tape at the NFTVA, one can briefly see a caption introducing the ‘Four Poems’ piece (coming as it does after the ‘Urban Spaceman’ performance. It cuts off immediately, sadly…]
[‘MR APOLLO’ is next. Very exciting, this - we've recently been sent a tape of this performance which perhaps confirms that it survives. The tape was, rather oddly, videofilmed off of a TV monitor (suggesting that whoever was bootlegging it couldn't find the right wires and had to resort to a latter-day telerecording situation. Even several generations down the line and some dodgy NTSC - PAL conversion doesn't disguise the fact that both the TV performance and bootlegging were colour video.
The scene alternates between straight studio performance and a cheapo mock-up beach scene with Roger playing the a reciprient of the eponymous strongman's body-building plan (with optional stick-on inflatable muscles). The backing track is a much simpler version than the one eventually released (on Tadpoles). No cheering FX or heavily-distorted guitar. The odd lyric is also slightly different]
I have seen Mr Apollo uproot trees with his bare hands
I have seen Mr Apollo's bedding seal (?)
‘Cos he’s the strongest man the world has ever seen
And if you take his courses, he’ll make you big and rough
(And you can beat up bullies until they cry, O lor, oh no, oh crikey, let go you rotter, lay off, ouch…)‘Cos when you’re tough (You’re very fit)
Your voice is gruff (It sounds like grit)
You are so strong (And proud of it)
Thanks to Mr ApolloFollow Mr Apollo
Everybody knows he’s the greatest benefactor of mankind
Follow Mr Apollo
Everybody knows that a healthy body makes a healthy mind‘Cos he’s the strongest man the world has ever seen
And if you take his courses, he’ll make you big and rough
(And you can kick the sand right back in their faces…oh, ho ho)
[The backing track to ‘THE INTRO AND THE OUTRO’ is played. Vivian Stanshall provides a new narration introducing the band (which, let’s not forget is a somewhat stripped-down version of the outfit which appeared on Gorilla, the LP which originally included the song).]:
STANSHALL
Well, that’s the end of the show, folks, and we’d like to introduce you to ‘Legs’ Larry Smith on drums. And Dennis Cowan on bass guitar…INNES
Bloody ‘rhythm-pole’, you fool!STANSHALL
Come in, Neil Innes on piano. Rodney Roskin Spear (sic) on the tenor sax…sorry, alto-sax. Yeah, that’s Rodney Roskin Spear and…who was meant to be on trumpet, it’s blah blah blah, gas gas, her comes Roy Rogers. Nice to see you, Roy. Come in Adolf Hitler, all the way from tomorrow. Hi Adolf, great stuff, man. Read any good books lately? And the stripping vicar. Ha ha ha. Come in, Lolita…on (unintelligible). See you after the show. Come in Elizabeth Taylor on vocals. And Fred…strip his kitten… on trombone. Cheerful ‘Chalky’ Chalky, the cheeky chappie with a squeaky smile. Ha ha ha ha. Well played. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed watching this load of rubbish. Um…and er, oh good, Have a merry Christmas. Ha ha ha ha… I hope that you find half a crowns in your puddings this year – ha ha ha …that’s the sound of a sessions gorilla…[The band appear to be start arguing a bit over tambourines. Music continues and fades.]
[NOTE: If anybody has the full show on video or can at least confirm our fears as to its archive disappearence then please get in touch.]
