Code: 12   as at 25/01/96

BEARD

12/1  INT   BEDROOM   DAY

RICH IN HIS BEDROOM.  THE CLOCK SHOWS 11AM.  THE CURTAINS ARE DRAWN.  IT IS MESSY.

RICH It was an ordinary day, like any other.  It was 11 o clock in the morning.  I was asleep in bed, on my own.

SUDDENLY A MUTED PLAINTIVE CRY.

BEARD (OFF) Why?

RICH (WAKING WITH A START) Wha...?

BEARD Why?

RICH Is somebody there?

BEARD Why?

RICH GOES OVER TO THE WINDOW.  SHIRTS HANGING OVER WINDOW AS MAKESHIFT CURTAIN.  HE PUSHES THEM ASIDE.  OUTSIDE FLOATING IN THE AIR IS A LONG BEARD, THE COLOUR OF RICH'S HAIR.

RICH Is this a beard I see before me?

BEARD Why?

RICH Why what?

THE BEARD WHOOSHES AWAY.  RICH LOOKS PUZZLED

[BACK TO STUDIO

RICH And then with a whoosh it was gone.  Like one of those UFOs that only appear to people who are mad or too stupid to even operate a camera properly.

STEW You're being haunted by a beard.  blah.

RICH I've always hated beards.  I think it stems back to something my grandad said to me, he took me to one side.]

12/2  INT   LIVING ROOM    DAY

FADE INTO RICH DRESSED AS HIS GRANDAD SITTING IN A CHAIR.  A SMALL BOY (YOUNG RICHARD) PLAYING

GRANDAD Richard my boy, come here.  (RICHARD SITS ON HIS KNEE)   You're five years old now.  You're a man now and I have something to pass onto you before I die.  Never grow a beard my son.  Never do you hear me!  Beards only grow on monkeys and c.....

[CUT QUICKLY BACK TO THE STUDIO

STEW You can't say that word on BBC2 Rich.

RICH Well anyway, that incident stuck in my mind for some reason.  And I've always hated beards, or people who have them.  It shook me up a bit.  I decided to have a shave...]

12/3    INT    BATHROOM, DAY

RICH IN BATHROOM.  SOAPED UP, RAISING RAZOR TO FACE

THE BEARD APPEARS AND KNOCKS THE RAZOR FROM HIS HAND

BEARD Why?

RICH Who are you?

BEARD Don't you recognise me?

RICH Why, are you famous?....  Oh, are you that beard that Jeremy Beadle wears over his own beard in his hilarious pranks?

BEARD No!  I am your beard, Richard.  The beard that you never had.  The beard you chose to murder!

RICH I didn't.

BEARD You did.  You casually dispensed with me because I did not suit your needs, then you rinsed me down into the sewer with the rats and the detritus of a million stinking humans.  But I have pieced myself together again to have my revenge.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

RICH Oh yeah!  A beard.  I'm scared.

BEARD I have built a secret underground base in the sewers and even as we speak a billion abandoned moustaches and beards are practising kung-fu and ninja skills.

12/4    INT, SEWER

CUT TO SEWER WITH MOUSTACHES AND BEARDS PRACTISING NINJA SKILLS, USING FLAME THROWERS.  JAMES BOND WITH HAIR.

12/5    INT, BATHROOM, DAY

BEARD ...and waiting for my command to unleash a rain of revenge on you and all your fellow beard butchers.  I am 100 per cent testosterone.  Beard gone bad!

RICH The sewer fumes have affected your brain.

BEARD Yes, it's a bit like the Penguin in that Batman film.

RICH No it isn't.

BEARD It is, you copied it, but with a beard instead of a penguin.

RICH Shut up.

BEARD You should have grown me.  You'd have looked great with me sitting on your face.

RICH No way.  Beards only grow on monkeys and c...

BEARD You can't say that on BBC 2.  And you're wrong.  Beards grow on real men.  You are a girl.

RICH I'm not.

BEARD You are.  Look at your...  Timotei shampoo, Mum deoderant, talcum powder, Silvikrin hairspray, Camay soap.  Real men don't have all that sissy stuff.  You're a big girl.

RICH SWINGS FOR IT.  BEARD GOES.

[CUT BACK TO STUDIO

STEW Obviously being haunted by subconscious insecurities about your own masculinity Rich.  Nature/nurture argument.

RICH It isn't.  It was a ghost.  But only I could see it.  It was terrible.  It affected my whole daily routine.]

12/6    INT, PUB, NIGHT

IN PUB WITH MATES.  PHIL FRY, BRIAN BANCROFT AND MIKE COSGRAVE.  DURING THIS WE SEE RICH'S FRIENDS LOOKING CONCERNED THAT RICH IS TALKING TO HIMSELF.  BARMAN TOO.

MIKE My round.  What are you having Rich?

RICH Just a mineral water Mike.

THE BEARD SUDDENLY APPEARS.

BEARD Mineral water.  Are you gay?

RICH Don't be so childish and offensive.

BEARD Gay-o.  Gaylord.

RICH I'm not gay!

OTHER PUNTERS AND BARMAN LOOK SURPRISED

RICH Not that there's anything wrong with being gay anyway.

BEARD See you are gay then.  Real men drink beer.  Loads of it.  And they don't get drunk, or need to go to the toilet.

RICH No, beard, I think you'll find that what you've done there is confused homosexuality with bladder capacity, haven't you.

BEARD (BEAT) Gayooo!  Gayeee.

RICH STARTS TO PUNCH BEARD.

BARMAN All right mate, I think you've had enough.

HE GOES TO CHUCK RICH OUT.

[CUT BACK TO STUDIO.

RICH That was pretty exciting wasn't it.  It was like something out of a Bruce Willis film.

STEW In that it was crap.

NATURE/NURTURE ARGUMENT.  SHAKESPEARE.  LIKE THE TEMPEST.  THEY'LL BE STUDYING THIS SHOW FOR 'A' LEVEL IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.... WELL GCSE.]

12/7    INT, RESTAURANT, NIGHT

CUT TO RICH IN RESTAURANT WITH PRETTY GIRL.  EARLIER IN THE SHOW WE HAVE ESTABLISHED THAT RICH ONLY READS TWO PAPERS, THE SUN BECAUSE IT'S GOOD AND THE GUARDIAN BECAUSE HE THINKS IT MIGHT IMPRESS WOMEN IF THEY SEE HIM PRETENDING TO READ IT ON THE TUBE

MARY I'm so glad you asked me our Richard.  I know we've never met before, but I knew you'd be all right when I saw you were reading the Guardian.

RICH (EMBARRASSED) Yeah, I like it.  The stuff they write in it.  Anyway, what do you fancy?

HE OPENS MENU.  THE BEARD POPS OUT.

BEARD Hello!

RICH THROWS AWAY MENU.  THE GIRL LOOKS A BIT SHOCKED.

RICH Um...  I know what I want.  So tell me a bit about yourself.

MARY Well I live in Stockwell but I come from Shrewsbury originally, my dad's a doctor and my mother is receptionist in his surgery...  (SHE DESCRIBES HER JOB)

BEARD APPEARS FROM BENEATH TABLE.

BEARD I didn't  think you had it in you, you old goat!  Niiice!

RICH Piss off!

MARY ABRUPTLY STOPS.  SHOCKED AT RICH'S RUDENESS.

RICH Oh no, not you.  Your mum's a receptionist.  Mmmmm

MARY I really like French cinema.  Have you seen Cyrano de Bergerac.

BEARD Go on, get in there my son.  Go-on.

RICH Oh shut your stupid face, you twat.

MARY I beg your pardon.

RICH Not you.  That bloke on the next table.  Pipe down mate.

THE SMART BUSINESSMAN ON THE NEXT TABLE LOOKS CONFUSED.

RICH Some people... carry on, it's really interesting.

MARY CONTINUES, BEARD REAPPEARS

BEARD Do you think you're going to shag her?

RICH No, I'm not going to shag her.

MARY Look, I don't know if this is some kind of a joke, but you are one of the rudest men I've ever met.  I'm going.  You're strange.

SHE STORMS OUT.

BEARD Oh dear.

RICH All right, all right.  Let's get this thing sorted once and for all.  Meet me back at my house, tonight at nine.

BUSINESSMAN I'm busy at nine.

RICH Not you idiot.  My beard.

[CUT BACK TO STUDIO

RICH I tried to make the atmosphere as convivial as possible for a beard.  I put on a ZZ Top tape and awaited the showdown with the crazed flying face beaver.]

12/7    INT    LOUNGE, DAY

CUT TO RICH'S LOUNGE

BEARD (OFF) I am here Richard.  It's payback time!

RICH IN A BEARD ENTERS IN A KIND OF SUPERHERO COSTUME.  (THE BEARD HAS BUILT A REPLICA OF RICH WHICH IT HAS ATTATCHED ITSELF TO).  THIS EFFECT CAN BE ACHIEVED BY THE USE OF CAMERA TRICKERY AND A BODY DOUBLE OF MR HERRING SEEN FROM BEHIND.

RICH My face!  You've got my face.  That's pathetic.  It's the kind of terrible idea only Patrick McGoohan would think was clever.

RICH BEARD Yes, Richard.  I have constructed this exact replica of your body in the sewer out of hair, tissue and faeces and now I am going to kill you and take your place, but with a beard.  Ha ha ha!  I'm going to shave you to death.

SQUIRTS FOAM AT RICH AND COMES AT HIM WITH REVOLVING GUN MADE OF RAZORS

RICH Hold it right there, beard.  What's this?

RICH WHISKS OUT HAIRSPRAY

BEARD Extra-hold hairspray?!.......... N ....... (RICH SQUIRTS HIM, HE IS STUCK)  I can't seem to move my limbs.

RICH And look at this, Immac Hair remover.  Goodbye beard.

BEARD RICH (RICH'S ORDINARY VOICE) Wait!  Richard, there's something I have to say.  Being a real man isn't about having a beard, what car you drive, how much you can drink, or how good you ar at swearing... well the swearing thing is quite important.  It's about being true to yourself and others about what you feel.  That's why I can't lie to you or myself anymore.  I'm gay...  There, I've said it.  I'm gay and I'm proud.

RICH Blimey.  I have a gay beard.  I've always known everyone was partly gay, but I didn't realise it was quite so literal.

BEARD RICH I only acted all macho as a cover, because I was scared of what people would think.  And Richard the reason I seemed to hate you so much was because in reality I love you!

RICH So do you think that my problem is that I'm actually gay too and can't admit it to myself?

BEARD RICH I don't know.  But we could have some fun finding out.

RICH I don't know.

BEARD RICH Come on.  As Whitney Houston said "learning to Love yourself is the greatest love of all"

RICH Well, all right.  And by the way Rich, you look pretty good with a beard.

THEY GO HAND IN HAND OUT THE DOOR TOWARDS THE BEDROOM.  THE CAMERA TRIES TO FOLLOW.  THE DOOR SHUTS IN ITS FACE.

[CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO

STEW So Rich.  You had sex with a bearded representation of yourself made entirely out of hair controlled by the ghost of your own gay beard.  Isn't that a bit perverted?

RICH Who is the real pervert, Stew?  Is it the man who has a loving relationship with a bearded representation of himself made of hair or the man who only ever has sex in one position with his wife?

STEW It's the first one.  The bloke who likes having sex with the hair man.  He's the pervert.  Quite obviously.

RICH Mmm.  Well, anyway I learned something important Stew.  Never to judge a man by his outward appearance.  My grandad was wrong, having a beard doesn't make you any worse than anyone else.  Unless you're one of those people who has a beard but no moustache, in which case you are strange and should be imprisoned.]

© 1996 lee and herring

NOTES: This sketch was originally performed as a running thread through Richard Herring's 1995 Edinburgh show Richard Herring Is All Man.  The stage craft of the ethereal ghostly floating entity was performed by Tom Binns or somebody waving a fake beard around on a stick.  The Fist Of Fun version would presumably have used a bit of CSO overlaying.  Apparently one of the reasons for its exclusion from the show was that the bloke who played Herring's body-double didn't look much like him.

The 'Who is the real pervert, Stew...' exchange eventually became a running joke in This Morning With Richard Not Judy.

Herring did eventually grow a beard for another Edinburgh show, Excavating Rita.  The daft monkey.

'You can't say that word on BBC2', insisted Stewart Lee.  Or indeed Radio 4, as the recent 99p Challenge debacle showed.  Especially when the producer is a twat.