FLASHES FROM THE ARCHIVE
Musings from the TV Forum

Radio Times Posted Wed May 10 20:26:21 BST 2000 by Justin

Very interested and entertained reading your Radio Times comment strand.

I actually went for a board at BBC Worldwide about a month ago to work as a sub at Radio Times. I didn't get it (to my relief, I must admit..., as it was such a cold, cynical environment). But during the interview, when asked what I thought set RT apart from its rivals, I did not say anything about Alison Graham* at all, but mentioned that Radio Times was the only TV guide that even TRIED to namecheck writers, producers and directors of TV and radio programmes. The head of Human Resources (horrible term, sounds like Human Remains) interrupted me by saying "Well, do you really believe that the RT readers care about such things - most people who work in this building are dying to see the back of the credit lines - it'd give more room for programme information."

I was a little surprised by this, and argued that the people behind the scenes (especially writers) get a pretty raw deal as it is these days (faster credit sequences, star-led not talent-led industry, etc.). Anyway, she couldn't see the point of it at all. So if you see the credit lines disappear from RT in the future, you'll know why...because no-one there gives a shit about television or radio, and they want to give more space to those curious preview paragraphs where they quite often slag off show 2 of a new show before show 1 has even aired.

I really am not bitter, I promise, but I am never applying for another magazine job. Ever. (I am not a journalist, just someone who knows far too much about TV.)

(*Although the woman is the worst writer in Britain, with the possible exception of Zoe Williams** in the Evening Standard and, obviously, Garry Bushell.)

(**A woman who wrote a whole column about the somewhat spurious notion that track 7 is always the best track on any album. She then illustrated her argument with The Verve. The ****ing Verve. Anyway, now she's being trusted to write about things that aren't pop music (a weekly column about her tiresome life. Duh.))

Posted By John! on Wed May 10 21:01:05 BST 2000:

Alison Graham really annoyed me the other week.

Posted By Richard Bell on Fri May 12 13:27:36 BST 2000:

>Very interested and entertained reading your Radio Times comment strand.

Did anyone ever see a program on UK Style called 'Radio Times'? It started when the station launched, but it had been axed by the time I got OnDigital in December 1998.

Anyone know if it was any good?

Radio Times Article in 'Comment' Posted Fri May 19 01:00:41 BST 2000 by Beccy

I thought this was quite interesting. Now, I realise this is extremely tragic, but when I was younger I did have a serious obsession with TV magazines. Each week I bought the RT, TV Times and What's on TV - it was just as the latter started.

I'm not quite sure what led to this exhibition of bad judgement, maybe I'd finished all my Enid Blyton books and was just desperate for something to read.

Anyhow, I totally agree that the RT has gone rapidly downhill (it is the only one I stuck with as it least it writes in proper sentances) - each time they have a re-vamp some key element that made it worth buying was scrapped - then, just as you say, the letters page would then be full of comments regarding the magazine itself - naturally with more in favour of the....improvements...?! I remember that debacle with the ages of the writers vividly - all so unnecessary. I had planned to write a letter recently regarding the loss of now not only the OSCARS, but also the film BAFTAs, to Sky - but then realised in time that it would have been worthless as almost everything has been lost to other channels now. Having said that, I do still put most of my faith with them over ITV.

I am continually frustrated with their Choice column inches - as you say - jumping on the band-wagon the most of the time - only to find it's already full of people who had faith in something from the start. But they also have the irritating habit of mauling a programme and deriding it yet have the gall to include under Critics Choice. Doesn't give one much faith in the critic. Or, therefore, the publication that condones such sloppy journalism. And Polly Toynbee needs a good slapping. And Sue Robinson. And I can't even begin to address Alison Graham.

The magazine becomes more and more sychophantic each time I buy it. Though I always do. It's still preferable to any other ones. Mainly becasue of the commitment to full credits in the listings, though I was disheartened to read somewhere - on this forum no doubt - that at RT they actually favour fading out writers and director credits or something. Damn the philistines!!!

Beccy, did you ever 'do' "TV Quick"... that's the hardest one to give up...

i don't understand why the radio times owned by the bbc sponsered something on itv are they both gonna gang up on sky or what or was it because money was mentioned to the bbc. Also what gets me is that the BBC make the tv licence go up every year but comedy programmes (except for they think its all over & have i got news for you which are getting old now) have gone down in quality that new on one friday coupling made me want to turn over to " Friday Night at the london paladium".

but i avoided temptation and turned oin to channel 7 on my tv and played my sega dreamcast- sorted

RT can spell "sentences", Beccy.

But I do agree. Heat is much better for a critical view of telly.

What I would like to see is the return of The Listener, but with TV listings. That was not possible when it was published. It was in the days pre-1991 when the BBC reserved theirs for RT and ITV/C4 for TVT.

The Listener had intelligent pieces (usually based around broadcasts) about a huge number of topics. Let's go upmarket.

one thing the lamentable (but i still buy it) radio times can stop doing is writing the 'choice' previews without having seen the fucking programmes. if i have to read 'preview tapes weren't available...' in a piece ostensibly about a given programme that the writer clearly hasn't seen (especially if they back up their non-starter writing with 'but, if recent episodes/the last series was anything to go by...') i might start behaving antisocially.

j xxx

Quite enjoyed this on R4, and with her usual insight RT's Alison Graham informs us that the "jury is out", as far as opinions on the first episode go.

Still, never mind Alison - by the weekend, all the broadsheet preview supplements will have made your mind up for you, won't they?

>Quite enjoyed this on R4, and with her usual insight RT's Alison Graham informs us that the "jury is out", as far as opinions on the first episode go.

I forgot to mention this is the TV spin-off, starting Thursday week on BBC1.

Posted By Jo_ham on Fri Jun 9 13:13:19 BST 2000:

hmm, I was going to post a topic about this on the "tried and tested but ultimately tiresome after the umpteenth time" comedy sit com formula.

the trailers are meant to attract you to the program - unfortunately, the one for Chambers makes it look like more of the same with different characters.

This might just be me, but if they want to sell it, they should try and make the tails more interesting. It might be really good - but you wouldn't guess it.

Agreed. Only saw a trailer last night, and it didn't bode well, to be honest. But (deep breath)...it was quite good on the radio. Usually while doing the washing-up.

"Yello There!"

ALISON GRAHAM'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO AMERICA'S FAVOURITE FAMILY REACHING THE RIPE OLD AGE OF THREE AND A HALF (OR MAYBE TEN?)

It's been called an inspired cross between the clever animation of Seinberg, the clever scripts of Hong Kong Phooey, and the subversive cleverness of Let Them Eat Cake. It was considered so dangerous in its early years that then-President Lyndon B. Johnson commented about it breaking down the family unit in some way [note to sub-editor: check source if you want to keep your job]. "D'oh!", you might say, and you'd be right. Yes, the Simpsons are ten, probably. All your favourite characters - Homer, Marj, Bert, Lisa, the other one, and the baby. And all the others as well - so many, I literally can't name them here.

Set in the beautiful town of Mansfield (it's actually inspired by Jane Mansfield's Pride & Prejudice - phwooarr Colin Firth, eh?), The Simpsons are now the favourites of everyone, from the kids (oh, peace perfect peace when it's on, or when they're away at boarding school) who know the catchphrases, characters and Citizen Cain references, to us old fogeys who now have something to talk about at dinner parties while we're waiting for the fish course, especially now that Steinfeld isn't on at the moment. (Wow, as Homer might say.) So hooray for BBC2, who are devoting their Simpsons Night schedule to 16th season episodes, in order to enable those of us (like me) who weren't watching at the very beginning (of the year).

Some fans may be awaiting a new series with bated breath, but they will have long to wait, as Fox have lost all episodes of the show since 1995. Even the new ones. Sky haven't got them either - if we ever find them, you'll see them on Auntie first. Meantime, we can savour those guest voiceovers - among those appearing including John Lennon, Alexander Fleming and David Wilkie, apparently. "We're even hoping to get Kelsey Grammer one day," quipped a source close to the show.

So, as Bert Simpson might opine, "S**** you guys, I'm going home!".

TEN MUST-KNOW SIMPSONS FACTS

1. Comedy giant Danny Wallace wrote the theme tune. Or was it Danny Baker?

2. Homer likes eating quite a lot!

3. It began life as a series of playing cards, but soon graduated to the big screen. Probably.

4. Sky have only been showing the series since last Thursday.

5. The BBC have been showing it even before creator Matt Irvine (it's pronounced "Irvine") came up with the original idea. "Good on you", as Homer would say.

6. The BBC is brilliant for showing this series.

7. Have you seen "Coupling" yet? Gah! The Americans - now they CAN do sitcom.

8. Each episode takes over 45 minutes to make. ("It really is a fast-moving show - literally" commented Simpsons expert Graham Allison)

9. There were some aliens in it, once or twice.

10. The Simpsons can be seen in places as far apart as The Orkneys, Wales and Birmingham - and that's the Birmingham in the Midlands, not America!

Turn the page for Sue Robinson reminiscing on the last time she saw the Simpsons, plus Jamie Oliver remembers four Homer moments involving food of some kind.

RECIPE: JAMIE OLIVER'S Homer Simpson Bready Beef Stacks. MMMM!

Ingredients: Some burgers

Some rolls

Cook the burgers, then put them in the rolls. Lovely jubbly!

In the new Radio Times....

ALISON GRAHAM'S SEMI-CONSCIOUS TV REVIEW

This week: Woody Allen: Scene By Scene (BBC2, last Saturday)

That Woody Allen interview, eh? He's a bit weird, isn't he? Mad, bad, dangerous to know. You may have forgotten that he was involved in a court case about child abuse or something (he was cleared, insist RT's mighty legal department, but makes you think). I think I saw one of his films in passing - set in New York, he played a Jewish man who was somewhat neurotic. A bit boring, but he is An Artist.

Right from the start of the interview, "Wooden" (and that's just his acting) resolutely refused to watch any clips from his movies (I know the feeling - have you seen Coupling yet?!). The jury's out to lunch on whether he's out to lunch, but I say he might be.

They probably intercut the interview with scenes from some of his films - ranging from EVerything YOu Ever Wanted To Know About Interiors to Hannah & Her Bananas, Albert Hall, and of course, Zebra. But even this was a shocking rip-off of the subsequent Oscar winner Forrest Gump, starring Tom Hark and Gracie Fields.

Surely, though, the most bizarre revelation in the first five splendid minutes I saw - before passing out in a vodka-fuelled mini-haemorrhage - concerned his attitudes to watching his own films. He doesn't. Nutter! I mean - imagine finishing a piece of work, and never even looking at it again. YOu might have made some terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible errroooooooooooooosr. [Note to sub-editor: Look at this before you even fucking THINK of leaving here tonight].

[Now turn to page 28 for Alison Graham's soap opera column "On Safer Ground". And on pages 34-39, be amazed at her incisive feature "Out Of Control", a sideways look at her experiences down the years losing the remote.]

[Next week: Alison Graham reviews more Mark Cousins interviews and concludes that he was a much better ice skater.]

Alison Graham's space-filling A-Z of Woody Allen:

A Allen: it's his surname, you know.
B Boxing - he doesn't really participate in this rather aggressive contact sport.
C Children - enough said!
D Doesn't watch his films after he's spent hundreds and thousands of hours making them.
E We'll come back to that one.
F Films - he's made loads. Five at least.
G Glasses - he wears them.
H Home - lives in New York. Mad as a March hare.
I Insanity - rumours have dogged him, I suspect.
J Jazz - he's a bassoon virtuoso. Not much demand there!
K Keaton - oh, he's made numerous films with Buster.
L Lobster - name of pet dog. [Thanks to Woody Allen expert Graham Allison for that one.]
M Movies - too many to mention. As many as ten, perhaps.
N New York - do we know if he lives there yet?
O Oboe - reached grade 4. (So did I!)
P Patsy Palmer - now SHE should be in one of his films.
Q Queens - a suburb of New York. [Any answer yet?]
R Radio Times - other listings magazines are available.
S Spectacles - he needs them, being mad.
T Tall - except he isn't.
U Under Six Foot Tall - there, proof!
V Voice - what an annoying whine he possesses.
W Woody - he was named after a woodpecker.
X X-rated - but that's quite enough about his personal life.
Y Yippeee - nearly there!
Z Zelda - best film he ever made. About the witch in Terrahawks. It was splendid.

Posted By Anonymous on Wed Jun 21 08:55:21 BST 2000:

Full marks, Juliet! More please!

If you make a film then you watch every frame of it until your eyes bleed. You hate it by the time it's finished, what with the baggage attached which has nothing to do with the content of the final piece.

I hate every film I've ever done, but most people don't pick up on minutae errors when they watch them. That's what Woody was getting at. Sadly it crept into the press release and every magazine used it as a quote.

And yes, 'Scene By Scene:Woodsie Allen' was a waste of time.

From the 'Good Old Radio Times Comment':

"FILM REVIEWS: Does anybody have any info on the original bloke who used to review these? Apparently he got sacked for nicking his reviews from Halliwell or something. The film guide book, not the Spice Girl. The reviews are now done by a gang of people and are disparate, yet twee as fuck. They are also never updated. We've read that one about Monty Python and the Holy Grail (which reckons that the LP is funnier than the film) three times now."

Around 1992, Derek Wynnert was the Radio Times top film reviewer, even leading to a tie-in book called 'The Radio Times guide to Movies' or some other similar title. Anyway, through reading this book, many film buffs noted that he had stolen directly from many sources, but especially stealing entire reviews from 'Halliwell's film and video guide'. (I don't know which ones, this requires further investigation.)

News spread that Wynnert was sacked and many people tried to get his job, including film historian Tony Sloman, who gave them a few samples of his work (programme notes for the National Film Theatre) and Roger Hughes, the then Editor-in-chief, decided to hire him. Sloman then suggested some other names for jobs, including Tom Valance and Alan Eyles. Many of his choices still write for the Radio Times..

The film reviewers only get £15 per review (which isn't much considering they only write about four reviews per week) and no royalties when their review is reprinted. For the new Radio Times film guide (to replace the pulped Derek Wynnert version) the reviewers only get £10 per new review and no royalties of the old ones.

Critics aren't treated with much respect. Only recently have initials been added to then end of reviews so that it is known who wrote them. And now that the RT have nearly twenty film reviewers on their staff, and that the old reviews are still being repeated, several of the the older writers have been 'phased out', not receiving any any commisioned reviews for over ten weeks.

Finally, a letter from this weeks Radio Times:

Five - Star Hotel

Congratulations and thanks to BBC1 for giving me one of the best laughs from a sitcom I've had in years. The writing, actors and timing of Heartburn Hotel (Friday) are all brilliant. Please repeat it soon, as during one episode I laughed so much I missed some of it. And please bring back Jackie Downey in the next series, as Harry's wife. She deserves an award. Brilliant.

Sheila Oldfield,
Kendal, Cumbria.

Compare this to the "'Dead Ringers' made me laugh til I was sick" letter a few weeks back...

Any comments?

Alan Jones, who seems mainly to be there to review 'cult' films with blood or people shouting in Spanish in them, was one of the blokes who used to hang around Malcolm McLaren's shop 'Sex' circa the Pistols era. He was once arrested for wearing one of Malcolm's 'provocative' shirts in public. There's a bit about it in "England's Dreaming". So let's have no more naysayers claiming the RT doesn't represent the true spirit of punk.

Sad, sad people.

Posted By Alan on Thu Jul 20 17:48:15 BST 2000:

>Congratulations and thanks to BBC1 for giving me one of the best laughs from a sitcom I've had in years. The writing, actors and timing of Heartburn Hotel (Friday) are all brilliant. Please repeat it soon, as during one episode I laughed so much I missed some of it. And please bring back Jackie Downey in the next series, as Harry's wife. She deserves an award. Brilliant.

>Sheila Oldfield,
>Kendal, Cumbria.

>Any comments?

How much do the staff get paid for writing these?

Posted By James on Thu Jul 20 18:13:50 BST 2000:

I reckon the letters are real. There are people who write like that. Not very many, at a guess, but it's all a matter of how they select what must be a tiny proportion of the total mail received.

And there really *are* loads of people who think 'Dead Ringers' is the funniest thing ever broadcast in the history of audio. Look at the R4 newsgroup. These things come in waves, sanity is not statistical and all that.

Posted By Beccy on Fri Jul 21 13:18:40 BST 2000:

I've got the Radio Times Film book and treated it as a bible for a few years - though being 1994 it is sadly a little out of date now. Still good for the classics though. I got it for a Christmas present from my mum. originally she bought Halliwell but I made her take it back and change it cos I hate the Halliwell one. interesting then that one copied from it is far superior. I think. Well, the presentation is so much better and it's jsut nicer. The blurbs are generally longer than Halliwells which is partly what attracted me to it in the first place.

The main evidence of the copying was that the Radio Times one featured the same mistakes as the Halliwell one.

I still love my RT one though. And was using it intensly just 2 days ago. But seeing as my main use was for info re. actors etc the IMDb has taken over as my main source.

Radio Times and '70's Night Posted Sat Jul 22 12:09:30 BST 2000 by PJ

Loathed as i am to start a new thread, but no-one's mentioned the atrocious article by AG in this weeks RT - in fact the whole theme night sounds like a horrible venture to me, and i wasn't even born in the '70's!

OH yeah, and it's on for the next ten weeks. Everybody had better start writing those thank-you letters to the head of the BBC.

And finally, Jimmy Saville is presenting one of those fantastic nostalgia shows during it - i'll say no more.

Posted By Justin on Sun Jul 23 19:19:16 BST 2000:

Having watched 1970 last night, perhaps Mark Gatiss and Reece Shearsmith could analyse the first few months of my life. Well, seeing as they were consulted on their views for just about anything else that happened that year....

Usual talking-heads laziness (Kathryn Flett, for God's sake, who opined that The Clangers were really good - well worth being employed by The Observer). I'd have preferred half-hour interviews with Joseph Barbera and Postgate & Firmin. Nice to see that everyone interviewed about The Goodies said it would be brilliant to see it again. Well, BBC2? Pull your fingers out.

Posted By Jesus Witlin on Sun Jul 23 23:17:26 BST 2000:

It was the era of the tank-top, the crisp packet and the Miners' Strike - yes, the 1970s! And, there was television - ten years of it too, which I'll say right away was the best ten years of television I can think of, even though a three-toed sloth would be able to construct a more credible and convincing argument. Still, the deadline's in two hours, so here goes....

Racist sitcoms, what a disgrace they were - just who were the evil so-and-so's who kept these atrocities on the air throughout the decade? Go on - stick your hands up, you know who you are. (Not me, though.)

Thankfully, these dreadful pieces of work are no longer being shown, which makes my job in writing this last-minute pseudo-cultural space-filler a good deal easier. Instead we are treated to BBC1's brilliant Fawlty Towers (who could forget the bit where Basil fell over, just after shouting something?), or Porridge, which was dangerously set in a prison.

But it wasn't all experimental and groundbreaking. Take Penelope Keith in To The Manor Born. (Go on, take her!) You really were idiots for watching this, weren't you? Look at it again, then glance at MY no-nonsense weekly column for RT. Eat your heart out, Hilary Kingsley!

There were also stirrings of greatness across a pond in the States: Banacek, a genuinely realistic police series, The Bionic Woman with Richard Wagner, and Hart To Hart with Stephanie de Sykes....and Richard Wagner. All were hilarious rubbish, at least for the four minutes I saw of each one while on a shameless freebie trip to the Big Apple a few weeks ago.

Blah blah blah Ronco Buttoneer...blah...Hancock's Half Hour...blah blah...Timmy Mallett...blah blah...the compact disc....bikes....the SDP...blah blah....Spandau Ballet.... blah...Winifred Atwell....blah blah...shoes of some kind....Julian Clary....the news.... sweet rationing....

It's the last paragraph now, so I'll sigh insincerely as people tend to do when writing such pieces about nostalgia. Aaaah, those days. (Coupling's now finished - did you get to see it afterwards?!)

ALISON GRAHAM'S TEN ESSENTIAL '70S PROGRAMMES

1970: QUEENIE'S CASTLE
1971: Some football. (You see, there was far too much sport for the men even in those days!)
1972: LIPPY THE LION AND HARDY HAR HAR (Kitsch and rubbish, but brilliant nonetheless!)
1973: Something with flares in it.
1974: Ceefax.
1975: Play by Mike Leigh. (See, I don't just write about the soaps - I'm cultured, me.)
1976: Another play by Mike Leigh. (Further proof of my cultural knowledge.)
1977: Old thing with Phil Daniels in it.
1978: CLOPPA CASTLE (Series One)
1979: CLOPPA CASTLE (Series Two)

Alison Graham

"Makes Charlie Catchpole read like Raymond Williams" - everyone.

"That's OK - Raymond Wililams wasn't much good on Tomorrow's World!" - Alison Graham.

Posted By dr_h on Mon Jul 24 20:57:50 BST 2000:

People don't want to see the Goodies shown properly again. They want to see all the good bits cut up and shown out of context to prevent them forming an idea of what the show was actually like to watch when it first came on.

In fact people don't want to watch whole programs at all anymore. That was the genius of Simpsons night. No-one has the attention span or memory to want to see the second half of "Who Shot Mr Burns". We just want 5 second clips of the shows interspersed with talking fricking heads. In fact, if the BBC can stop making whole programs and just make pre-digested clips and intersperse it with Gail Porter talking about Pob, that'd be just perfect.

Posted By PJ on Mon Jul 24 21:04:28 BST 2000:

2nd part of who shot Mr burns is on this friday i believe, along with a re-showing of the first episode. So, fair play to them - they may be slow, but they (usually) get there in the end. Imagine it ITV were showing it - it would either be on Citv or shown about 1:00 in the morning, then dropped after a month due to poor ratings.

Posted By george on Tue Jul 25 23:12:27 BST 2000:

>>I'd have preferred half-hour interviews with Joseph Barbera and Postgate & Firmin. Nice to see that everyone interviewed about The Goodies said it would be brilliant to see it again. Well, BBC2? Pull your fingers out.

Couldn't agree more Justin.

Posted By Gimlet on Fri Jul 28 00:29:49 BST 2000:

I agree with truncating ALL ancient TV shows to just showing the opening titles with accompanying theme tune and thats it.

Who honestly can sit through any 60s series beyond the excellent beginning intro and title music? THATS what people from their youth love and remember,a collection of introductry images and a fantastic theme tune .Nothing more.I say lets celebrate the magic of composers Ron Grainer,Tony Hatch, Laurie Johnson,Alan Hawkshaw, oh and why not?, Ronnie Hazelhurst ,than bloody Honor Blackman and that cunt in the Bowler hat all the time.

Lazy Journalist Scum Part 145 Posted Tue Jul 25 20:33:55 BST 2000 by Justin

Sorry - couldn't let this go by without comment:

This week's Radio Times:

Alison Graham's pisspoor look at BBC Talent Stand-Up. She could only be bothered to interview one of the competitors, and so there was half a page of blank space left. How fortunate that someone (Alison?) managed to get hold of a copy of William Cook's Ha Bloody Ha (4th Estate, 1994), and reprinted Skinner, Brand and Baddiel's Worst Gig experiences without crediting the source. (Although they edit Skinner's "I absolutely died [on my arse]"...why thank you, protect our ears.)

"Our readers are too fucking thick to notice, obviously..."

So they're plagarists as well, now. What else can we find to throw at them?

Posted By Pink Moon on Tue Jul 25 23:45:36 BST 2000:

Something to throw? Try a Radio Times Royal Souvenir Issue, one of the many that they have printed over the years. "100 Glorious Years"? Bunch of arselickers.

As usual, Alison Graham had nothing of any consequence or interest to say. It's not like she offered any real kind of criticism. Most likely she just spotted which newcomer was being feted as the Next Big Thing by listening to what everyone else was saying. How clever of her to avoid making her own judgement about who was the best. Alison also fancies herself as something of a comedian, judging by comments like "One woman arrives with a sizeable backpack. Maybe she's planning to pitch a tent, or bring out a camping stove." Be still my aching sides.

So those quotes were stolen from elsewhere? Disappointing, but oddly typical of RT. Ages ago, they printed a Doctor Who 30th Anniversary feature, which included reminiscences from various ex-Doctor Who cast members. I was quite shocked at a young age to discover that most of these had been taken, word-for-word, from a documentary that was shown the following week. Bastards.

"Research?! PAH! We spit on your Research!"

Posted By James on Thu Jul 27 09:36:19 BST 2000:

While we're on the subject of Alison Graham, flip forward to p50 of the same edition and read her comments on "Border Cafe". Then try to imagine what would happen if she tried to deal with anything genuinely conceptually difficult like, say, an orange:

"Oranges have been around for ages now, but just exactly what they are supposed to be remains a mystery. Are they red, are they yellow, are they "red-yellow"? They're a kind of citrus fruit, as are lemons, so they should be exactly the same as lemons in all respects. But citrus fruit alone cannot set a television screen on fire..."

Actually now I've done that I realise there's no point producing weak parodies of RT copy, because nothing compares to the real thing. Highlight of last night's TV listings, absolutely sic:

"10.15 Little Angels
Stealing yogurts and refusing to sleep in their own bed are just two of the ways that children are pushing parents to the edge. In the second of this two-part programme..."

Competition time. Can you find upwards of half a dozen basic subbing errors and violations of the art of prose in the above? Winner receives a stainless-steel fountain pen from the Parker's Frontier range or something.

Radio Times: Look What They're Going To Do Next Week Posted Wed Aug 9 21:59:52 BST 2000 by Wsluit Snije

Ahead of next week's issue:

RADIO TIMES' TOP 50 SITCOM MOMENTS AS CHOSEN BY THE STARS

1 DON'T TELL HIM PIKE (Dad's Army)
("I love the way that Mannering says that even though he's not supposed to be revealing Pike's name but he does by accident it's really really hilarious" - Jamie Theakston)

2 DEL FALLS OVER (Only Fools & Horses, last week)
("The look on Trigger's face is just unbelievable" - Mark Lewisohn, Radio Times)
("The audience laughed, because it was a very funny scene" - David Jason, probably talking about another scene in quite possibly a different programme. Never mind. You are all stupid and will not notice - even this sentence.)

3 WEIRD BIT FROM SPACED (Recently)
("The most original thing I've ever pretended to have watched in my whole life" - Alison Graham)

4 BIT OUT OF LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN WHERE THE SHOP WOMAN SAYS ARE YOU LOCAL
("Everything about this programme is completely original - not least the title!" - Kathryn Flett, The Observer)

5 THE ROYLE FAMILY WHENEVER JIM GOES "MY ****"
("Outrageous, but so much better than anything I'll ever do" - producer of Gimme Gimme Gimme)
("Viewers may - sorry *will* - be interested to know that "My **** - The Complete Jim Royle Rants" will soon be available as part of the BBC Radio Collection" - BBC Radio Collection)

6 SEINSTEIN - THE BIT WHERE MONICA, JOEY AND ROZ GET MARRIED. BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER!
("Puts Pay & Display to shame - my favourite's the dog" - Alison Graham)

7 THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW - ALL OF IT
("What? Oh, yeah - top! Top!" - Jamie Oliver)
("Please edit out the rest of what I say apart from this bit - it'll make me look as intelligent as your readers" - Ray Galton (who wrote Get Well Soon, and we all know how good THAT was, right?)

8 FRANK SPENCER ON ROLLER SKATES
("Hello, I'm not available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the tone." - Michael Crawford)

9 VICTOR SAYS "I DON'T BELIEVE IT" ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER (ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE)
("Why oh why oh why can't we do comedy as well as the Americans?" - Kelsey Grammer)
("I can't even spell my own first name" - Phill Jupitus)

10 JOHN CLEESE DOES THE HITLER WALK (Faulty Towers)
("I remember when we made this back in 1975, I... - [edited owing to space restrictions] John Cleese)

(Now turn the page to see Mark Gatiss or someone like that (yeah, young people, don't fall asleep!) name as many sitcoms as he can in 1000 words.)

You wouldn't trust her to edit the school magazine Posted Fri Sep 1 21:53:02 BST 2000 by Justin

In case no-one's seen this yet:

Sue Robinson's letter from Radio Times, 2-8 September 2000:

"Why launch our preview of the new TV season with a show that's 35 years old? Because look at the pisspoor competition. A new generation of young viewers is about to discover the joy of Thunderbirds. Because youngsters will say, "Mummy, mummy, who's that funny puppet on the front of Britain's brightest TV listings magazine - other listings magazines are available but they're even ropier". Because there'll be all sorts of merchandise for Christmas (not least a BBC book by Alison Graham published at £19.99 that reveals hundreds of facts that everyone fucking knows). But really because our office of cunting yes-men and women have been talking about it, knowing that they'll be written about in this hateful piece of pretend-compassion for our readers. In other words, Thunderbirds is back on BBC2 because we, the Radio Times, are brilliant. The sight of a roomful of clueless, pigshit-thick third-class Oxbridge graduates and failed Daily Mail gossip columnists going "yes m'lady" was such that, at one point, I couldn't tell if they were talking about Thunderbirds, or talking to me!

But they aren't a bunch of puppets, believe you me! Our preview begins on page 16, and probably ends halfway down the same page.

Please write to us - we really despise you, but you'll keep on buying us because we still print increasingly shrunken Radio 4 listings.

You are all fuckers - goodbye

Sue Robinson

Editor Of The Year (General Interest Magazines)

Posted By Peter Ohwhateveritwas on Fri Sep 1 22:04:51 BST 2000:

but you'll keep on buying us because we still print increasingly shrunken Radio 4 listings.

Do you by RT for the Radio 4 listings then? For me, the point of R4 is the sense of suspense - you just don't know if the next programme is going to be a godawful drama or or a mind-numbing attempt at topical comedy. They always keep you guessing.

Posted By Justin on Fri Sep 1 22:59:30 BST 2000:

>Do you by RT for the Radio 4 listings then?

They just know that's a sizeable amount of their audience. Mind you, I'm still all in favour of radio listings.

Posted By Al on Fri Sep 1 23:08:24 BST 2000:

Oo-er. Radio 4.

<runs away>

Posted By John! on Sat Sep 2 14:36:31 BST 2000:

I remember the days when the Radio Times was actually a respectable magazine.

Wow...how long ago was that?

Posted By subbes on Sat Sep 2 18:12:38 BST 2000:

Probably when it was actually about the radio.

Posted By Rodney Marsh on Mon Sep 4 03:13:40 BST 2000:

surely it never was!

i don't read it anymore, i get the daily express tv guide. it has accurate horoscopes

Posted By subbes on Mon Sep 4 03:45:15 BST 2000:

Radio Times.

Well, it were either about the radio, or some very well disguised historical magazine.

Posted By Rodney Marsh on Mon Sep 4 03:58:27 BST 2000:

could've been a coincedence

we used to have to buy them AND the tv times

how things have changed

Posted By TVOD on Mon Sep 4 09:04:15 BST 2000:

Where would the British stairlift industry be without the Radio Times and its unstinting advertising support?