Comedy Man
(Collins/Gildea/Egan)

I met a man and he told me a joke
It wasn’t very good but I laughed anyway
He took me away in his electrical car
To a bar with a two-foot stage

He stepped into the light, he talked into the mic
Everyone laughed till their heads fell off
The gags were fast, the timing was ri...right
I fell in love with a comedy man

He suggested a drink, I bought him a gin
We talked for ours, we talked about him
He told me how hard it is to write gags
And as he told me, he smoked all my fags

In no time at all I was back in his flat
We were under the duvet - just like that
I said it’s time to take off your kit
But after an hour I said ‘Get off - you’re shit!’

We laughed about it over some smokes
We agreed his talent lay more in his jokes
As I left in the morning he was eating his cereal
He said ‘At least I can use this as new material...’

Now I’m dating a computer man called Rex
Seriously boring, but very good sex
Com-a-com-a...not-so-comedy
He’s not a comedy man - he’s responsible!
Com-a-com-a-com-a-com-a...
Great big competent computer man
Great big, great big, great big megabyte man!

Curly Kay
(Collins/Gildea/Egan)

Other girls wouldn’t play with her
They’d choose anyone else instead
They said that she was different
The girl with a cabbage for a head

When it was time to go to school
She didn’t want to get out of bed
She’d hide under the duvet
And cover up her cabbage head

Curly Kay, Curly Kay
It’s hard for you to face another school day
Everyone you meet says you look like a freak
Because you’ve got a head of edible leaves

On a school trip to the Byrne
The teacher dropped down dead
The children were lost and starving
Kay said ‘You can eat my head’
She sacrificed her life for them
To make sure they were fed
So the Pope in Rome he made her
St Cabbage-for-a-head

Curly Kay, Curly Kay
People pray to you every day
You’re the queen of the crop
Now you won’t be forgot
The patron saint of the vegetable plot

Lorcan
(Collins/Gildea/Egan)

Lorcan, the man who pushed the boats out to sea
Lorcan, you’ll go down in history
You said it hurt you to see those boats tied against their will
So you went down with a hammer to the docks
And you broke off all the complicated locks
You set them free
Lorcan, I’m so proud of you
Lorcan, we’re so proud of you

Those fishermen who shouted ‘We’re going to kick your head in’
They didn’t see your point of view - ie, that the boats were crying out
To sail away, sail away, sail away on their own and be free
On the stormiest night of the year, you’re a man who knows no fear

And Lorcan, if doesn’t matter that the village suffers now financially
It doesn’t really matter than fishing was their biggest industry
And it won’t matter that it may take a lifetime to replace the fleet
’Cos you’re a good man, Lorcan - and the main thing is, those boats run free
That’s why I appear, making home-made broth to bring you
In your hide-out in the hills
Where you’re working on your new plans to set the tractors free
Lorcan, set those tractors free
Jaysus, yeah - dibbly-idle-dum-di-dee

Bridget the Nun
(Collins/Gildea/Flynn)

Bridget the nun on her little bike
Bridget the nun, she’s as quick as you like
Bridget the nun, she was never slow
Go Bridget, go Bridget, go go go!

Bridget was the quickest nun in Ballinasloe
She’d deliver fifteen meals on wheels all in one row
Speeding though the parish like a bat out of hell
They’d all be weaving and she’d answer with her bicycle bell

But she’d been pedaling much too hard
Her little legs were getting tired

Bridget the nun on her little bike
Bridget the nun’s not as quick as she’d like
Bridget the nun, she was getting slow

Oh Bridget, oh Bridget, oh oh oh!

Bridget was deflated like a tyre that’s been skewered
So the people bought a ticket and they sent her to Lourdes
She bathed in the waters and was physically healed
But inside she was yearning for her spokes and her wheels

Then a shiny lady in silver gear
Made a holy bicycle appear

Then she was...

Bridget the nun in the Tour de France
Bridget the nun - is she in with a chance?
Bridget the nun, she was never slow
Go Bridget, go Bridget, go go go!

The cycling commentators, they didn’t rate her
But Bridget was driven by a power that was greater
Dragging Ireland’s hope up the Alpine slope
Using God as her pump, she knew she could cope

Soon the Arc de Triomphe was in sight
Then Paris saw her bike take flight

Oh she was...
Bridget the nun in the air above
Bridget the nun on her bike of love
Bridget the nun, only God will choose
Whether or not you will win or lose

Go Bridget, go Bridget, don’t be slow Bridget
Go Bridget, go Bridget, don’t be slow Bridget
Go Bridget, go Bridget, don’t be slow Bridget
Go Bridget, go Bridget, go Bridget go!

Olé Olé Olé Olé
Olé Olé
Ave Ave Ave Ave
Ave Maria

Amen

Butter My Thighs
(Collins/Gildea/DeWrixon)

Years ago we had nothing at all
I had no dress to wear to the debutante ball
Mama knew we'd manage somehow
She went outside and shot the cow
She killed it with love, skinned it with care
She made me a cowskin dress to wear

I looked fine in my fresh leather gown
But I had no shoes to wear into town
Mama went down to the chicken shed
She choked a chicken and she made
Beautiful shoes just like that
With chickenbone heels and chickenleg straps

Though we were poor I could walk proud
With my chickenshoes and my dress of a cow
Thought I'd have a fabulous night
But the ball was in aid of Animal Rights

The party stopped and they all stared
Then a guy in a turnip shirt and flares
Said look at me, I'm poor too
But no chicken died to make my shoes

Then a man with a tomato hat on his head
Said look at my pants - they're made of bread
I'll tell you something you should know
You don't have to kill a cow to make your clothes

I saw the truth shine in his eyes
My cowskin dress was a dress of lies
I tore it off and then he said
Cover yourself with this slice of bread
I felt his bread upon my skin
I knew my heart belonged to him

I married that man with the slice pan slacks
I fell in love with his doughy khaks
I'm still poor but my life is the best
On my wedding day I wore a croissant dress
Bread roll shoes and a croissant dress
A baguette veil and a croissant dress

Lyrics © The Nualas, 1998

Donald Sutherland
(Collins/Gildea/Egan)

Every time I look at you my eyes light up like headlights on a truck
And if you ran me over I'd be happy as a pig in muck
I order soup for lunch, I look into the bowl, I see your face
I eat a sandwich and you are the bread that holds the ham in place

I see you everywhere, you're the coatstand in the hall
And in the aquarium, you're the fish that's on the ball

But you don't notice me at all

I go out shopping and I seem to see your face at every till
I load the car up, I reverse and you're the child I almost kill
And in the church ground when I'm walking I look up and you're the bell
And in confession, Father Bob says that he fancies you as well

He sees you everywhere, you remind him of Pope Paul
But do you really care, we've nailed your picture to the wall

But you don't notice us at all

Donald Sutherland, Donald Donald Sutherland
Donald Sutherland, dad of Kiefer Sutherland
Donald Sutherland, you're so muscular and tall
You're Canadian, but you don't bore me at all
Donald Sutherland, I've loved you since I was small

But you don't give a feck about me at all

Donald Sutherland

Lyrics © The Nualas, 1998