GASTER & POWELL'S REVUE OF THE YEAR

LOOSE ENDS

THE NEWS QUIZ

BBC RADIO NEWS Recorded the day before transmission for extra topicality.
Aug 24 18.00 (18.30) Free
Tickets available live from the scene
followed by:
THE WEATHER FORECAST
Making jokes about how it always rains during the British summer despite the fact that we’ve had fucking heatwaves since about 1989. 

THE 99p CHALLENGE Special Edinburgh edition of the hit comedy show, this time featuring no panellists whatsoever as apparently this will make it easier to edit.
Aug 24 15.30 (07.00 the following morning) Free
Tickets available from Neggattttive Productions.

I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T A CLUE Filthy old men.
Aug 18   19.00 (20.00) Free
Tickets available from David Balston

JUST A MINUTE or so to go before we launch another pointless attack on Simon Pegg. But we have to do a few more of these Radio 4 things first...
Aug 25 20.00 (20.01) Free
Tickets available from Paul Merton or Nicholas Parsons we expect

OLD ANDY’S GAME Popular nasal-voiced shortarse Andy Hamilton presents a sitcom set in Hell. Which pretty much means the same jokes he’d normally do, except with people going ‘Ah, Satan’ every five minutes.
‘Very funny, if you’ve no idea how far comedy has moved on’ - Radio 4 listeners
Tickets available from popular nasal-voiced shortarse Andy Hamilton.

LOOSER TALK Jeremy Hardy and Linda Smith host a topical Edinburgh special putting current issues into the perspective of the events of 1992 so they don't have to update any of their material much.
Aug 25 17.00 (18.00) Free
Tickets available from Pat Condell or Parrot

PAUL JACKSON IN CONVERSATION WITH... HIS COCK The controller of BBC Entertainment argues that his cock was alright for its time but it would benefit for being recut for the Millennium
Aug 25 19.30 (20.30) Free
Tickets available from Mrs Jackson

THE SHIPPING FORECAST No, please, everyone's done this joke, surely? Well, okay... The cast of the hit late-night be-careful-if-you-happen-to-be-on-a-ship show cast their whimsical eye over the oceans, or something.
The Nearest Lighthouse, Just off the coast of Scotland
Aug 26 0800 hours, Greenwich Meantime Free
Tickets available at sea

EDINBURGH REVIEW Mark Lawson provides a wry review of what's 'hot', what's 'not' and what's 'bubbling under' inside the blouse of some 15-year-old at a party.
'Excuse me - just looking for my pipe...' - Mark Lawson
Aug 27 7.00 (9.00) Free
Tickets available to anybody who can keep their mouth shut

RADIO 4 listeners in
I’M NO PRUDE, BUT... Several pompous old fuckers complain about a bland Radio 4 comedy show which has the unfortunate effect of elevating it to an undeserved ‘enfant terrible’ status which means its real crimes (ie, the poor and derivative quality of the comedy itself) go unquestioned.
‘The sickest show since Jeremy Hardy said the word thigh’ - Concerned from Hull
‘Disgusting, if you’ve never heard any comedy in your life before’ - Angry of Leeds
‘Suits me, sir!’ - Dave Lamb

YES SIR, I CAN BOOGIE Kevin Eldon and the team of disabled comic actors with another wry look at the wackier world of mental and physical disorder. Wheelchair access available on request, but no amputees please - they freak us right out.
Aug 25 7.00 (9.00) Free
Tickets available on prescription

YES SIR, I'M STILL AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT Dan L reads this capsule, accuses us of being failed, bitter comedy writers with no social life or girlfriends and urges everyone to read 'Gusset Weekly' instead.
Aug 26 all day Free
Tickets available from...

GUSSET WEEKLY Join Dan and the gang in their weekly, irreverent satire on absolutely sod all.  Totally miss the point of how comedy works by contributing a news story pastiche based on the lame coupling together of a famous person and an 'inappropriate' way for that person to behave. You know, the Pope joining the Ministry of Sound or something.  Feel uplifted, secure in the knowledge that you are creating comedy of the finest calibre and will be writing quickies for Armstrong & Miller in about five years time...
'Worked for us' - Wil Walker, Havar Ellingson, etc
Aug 30 19.00 (19.05) Freeserve
Tickets available from Dan L's mother, currently hoovering his bedroom

DEAD RINGERS More merry fun from the usual gang in the show which is currently being indiously spun all over the FM bandwidth as the most fantastic thing since Hancock despite obvious evidence to the contrary.  Watch out for Alistair MacGowan's hilarious impression of co-producer Danny Wallace, closely followed by an unexpected dressing down from the BBC and an enforced apology from a producer in fear of his job.  Comedy, eh?
Aug 27 19.00 (20.00) Free

FUCK OFF WITH McGOUGH

Aug 14

MICHAEL ROSEN'S 'I DON'T LIKE MY CABBAGE. MUM'.

BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH'S 'CONSTERNATION ACROSS THE NATION'

IVOR CUTLER
TALES FROM A BATTERED HINNY, PART 3: The 97 year old scary Scot talks in that voice and duly makes a load of spunk shoot out of the Festival’s cock. With illustrations by Martin Honeysett’.
Aug 19

Ed Byrne Says
HOW COME I'M NOT IN IT?
C/O The Irony Club, London Tickets 556 1928

Join Ed Byrne and all his mates in wondering why we left them out of this parody. Then join us in wondering what's the point of doing it at all.
Aug 2 19.30 (10.00) £25 (£20)

WHOOPS ISLAM
Venue18 - King Tut's Wah Wah Hut Tickets 556 9354
I wonder if you would consider making jokes in the same vein concerning the Muslim faith? Well, here’s your chance with this hilarious look at the lighter side of that pile of toss otherwise known as The Koran.
Features the classic scene where Prophet Muhummad falls over in a wine bar
Aug 2 - 24 19.30 (10.00) £25 (£20)

GIVING FILMS GOOD REVIEWS SO THAT YOUR MAGAZINE GETS A FREE PLUG ON THE BILLBOARDS
Venue 39 - The Obviousness, Princess Street Tickets 556 9354
'Brilliant' - Empire
'Brilliant' - NME
'Brilliant' - Time Out
'Brilliant' - Heat
'Brilliant' - Caravan Advertiser
Aug 3 - 26 20.00 (22.00) £15.00 (£10.00)

IN RELATIVE TERMS
Venue 29 - The Theatre Tickets 556 564

A new play from Alan Aykbourne, one of this country’s best loved unfunny formulaic playwrights.
Aug 3 - 2620.00 (22.00) £15.00 (£10.00)

ANNOYED WITH THE BOYDS
Venue 98 - The Wide Awake Club Tickets 556 9484

Join Darren Boyd (the bloke one from Smack The Pony) and Tommy Boyd (the slightly depressing Talk Sport presenter who probably used to be in Magpie or some such shit) talk about what annoys them in 90s Britain.
Aug 28 - 2921.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JERRY SADOWITZ - MAD, BAD AND F%£*ING DANGEROUS TO KNOW
Venue 51 - The Pall Bearers Revue Tickets 556 2651

The temperamental genius madman Sadowitz returns to the festival for more outrageous, razor’s edge stand-up. Who knows what will happen when the insane, dark, disturbed ‘Mr Nasty’ of comedy hits the stage?   Shows start at 7:38pm sharp, with an afternoon rehearsal and tech run at 2pm and 26 seconds. There is no show on 31 August when Jerry has other professional commitments - ie, discussing the tax details for his new TV series with Channel 5 actuaries, writing out tour programmes in really neat handwriting, penning enthusiastic and reverent articles about the masters of card magic, and listening to his Nick Drake CDs.
Pre-booked tickets available in the headrest of his train seat.
‘Yeah, but I think my argument still works...’ -Stewart Lee
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JEW IN A HAT
Venue 29 - McGolders Green Tickets 556 8222

Ivor Dembina
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Dr Phil Hammond (the speccy bloke from Trust Me I’m A Doctor) presents
WHY DON’T I JUST FUCK OFF?
Venue 10 - Channel 5 Tickets 556 9044
Aug 28 - 2921.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Sarah Alexander in
JUST ME
Venue 90 - Chuckles' Mirth Box Tickets 556 2879

Join Sarah for a galaxy of new characters, who are basically just her with her hair a bit different. This talented young actress can turn her hand to anything, as long as it’s a slightly posh woman with big eyes. Catch her now.
‘Y’know, I got my tits out in Armstrong & Miller?’ - Sarah Alexander
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

GEORGE JEFFRIE and BERT TYLER MOORE in
'LOOSE ENDS', HERE WE COME
Venue 90 - Nowhere, Nothing Tickets 556 2879

The non-descript duo explain - via pie charts and a brief slide show - how their career in comedy is likely to progress, all being well.
‘A bit bland for us’ - The Men Who Know
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

KEBABURGER
Venue18 - King Tut's Wah Wah Hut Tickets 556 1888

Stage version of the spotless takeaway emporium, featuring the chips.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

FLOSS WITH ROSS
Venue 28 - McNFT Tickets 556 2039

Robert Ross presents a celebration of dentistry’s most erstwhile commodity. ‘I’ve never really been into orthodontal stuff before,’ admits Robert. ‘But it’s classic oral hygiene that has delighted generations, so I thought the money...sorry, I mean a reappraisal...was long overdue.’
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE POD
Venue 20 - McThat Place In London Tickets 556 2000

Enter the weird distorted-reality world of The Pod for an evening of 'experimental' 'ambient'... something... which appears to translate as charging people for the privilege of entering a bar full of overpriced drinks and people just chatting to each other while some woman points a camera indiscriminately at people in the foyer and plodding non-descript house music plays tamely in the background.  During the show Julian Barratt and the other one will just sit to one side, not getting particularly involved while Rhona Cameron wanders around, frowning, looking for the exit.
'They were quite good on London Shouting though' - SOTCAA, in a slightly better mood than usual
Aug 27 20.00 (22.00) £6.00 (£5.00)

OWEN O’NEILL
Venue 20 - McThat Place In London Tickets 556 2000

The hit comedian presents a full-length monologue, this year on a subject very close to his heart - namely, appearing in one episode of 'Loose Talk' in 1992.
‘Brilliant. Never has the subject of appearing in one episode of 'Loose Talk' in 1992 been tackled so poignantly...’ - The Guardian
Aug 27 20.00 (22.00) £6.00 (£5.00)

GORMAN-GHAST
(CANCELLED DUE TO A LEAKY ROOF)

JOURNALISTS
Venue 14 - McFleet Street Tickets 556 1888

Stage version of the popular bastards. The show starts with them making up a story which they know full well they’re going to get sued for, on the basis that the projected readership the story will initially reap will more than cover the damages.  The evening ends with the lot of them (no matter how erudite they are) being shot through the lungs. This will be followed by the world being a better place.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

GAY PEOPLE will be
JUST GETTING ON WITH THEIR LIVES
throughout the festival

Join the majority of homosexuals as they (a) talk in normal voices, (b) refuse to like Steps, (c) think of 'The Wizard Of Oz' as a kids' film, and (d) never even watch Eastenders let alone fancy a female character just because she has short hair.
With music from Led Zeppelin
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

HONG KONG SUIII
Venue18 - King Tut's Wah Wah Hut Tickets 556 1888

Ridiculous forum contributor Suiii starts an incomprehensible private conversation with her friend John! while everyone else is trying to discuss The Goodies.
Oh, and it’s set in Hong Kong.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Venue 99- New Musical Express,Tickets 556 1997

Join chart-toppers Travis for an evening without a difference. Expect the expected, as the bland combo sing a selection of uninteresting metaphors in an whiney American accent. Y’know, like they’re the only people in the world to feel a bit miserable now and again. I mean, at least Morrissey knew a joke or two.
Every night, until the media’s angst rock remit is filled by someone else.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Geoffrey Perkins presents
HEAD OF COMEDY
Venue18 - King Tut's Wah Wah Hut Tickets 556 1878

Climb inside Geoffrey’s ‘Head of comedy’ for an experience you’ll never forget.
Aug 28 - 2921.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JOHNNY CIGARETTES
Venue 89 - McIPC Magazines Tickets 556 1888

NME writer Johnny Cigarettes (real name Jonathan Gregory Sharpson-Smythe) tries stand-up for the first and last time.
‘You’re ultimately attracted to the things you hate...’ - Noel Fielding
July 30 21.00 (21.02) £4.00 (£3.00)

Some Of the Corpses Are Amusing Present:
SEVERAL JOKES WHICH ONLY THEIR MATES WILL UNDERSTAND
Venue 45 - Corpses House, Luxembourg Tickets 556 1888

And even they won't find them particularly funny...
June 5

JULIA DAVIES in
THAT BRISTOL SCHOOLGIRL CHARACTER I USED TO DO ON 'COMEDY NATION'
Venue 45 - Corpses House, Luxembourg Tickets 556 1888

Join Julia for her contractually-bound back-up plan
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

SLEEP
Venue 65 - Bedding, Reading Tickets 556 1888

Stage version of the popular bodily function. Every night at 'Tonkinson’s'
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

IAN COLLINS
The Radio - Somewhere along the Dial, Medium Wave Tickets 556 1888

Stage version of the popular wanker.  Join Ian and the ‘Creatures’ for an evening of ill-informed circular arguments. His special guest will be moon-faced Mike Dickin, who will drone on about racism in the police force like he gives a fuck.
The show will end with everyone suddenly realising it’s morning.
Aug 5 - 29 21.00 (6.45) £10.00 (£5.00)

HEAT
Venue18 - King Tut's Wah Wah Hut Tickets 556 1888

Stage version of the bland magazine written by the kind of self-serving media spin quacks who think we should be endlessly fascinated by nobodies like Posh Spice and Leonardo di Caprio because it fits in with their vacuous, bile-brained, tuna sandwich idea of what people actually get excited about.
Tickets available in your lunch hour at work, but you’ll just throw them away immediately afterwards anyway and wish you’d bought some crisps instead.
‘Brilliant - reference material!’ - Lee & Herring
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

SCOTT CHISHOLM - SLIGHTLY BLUE!
In Me Chrysalis - Doily Woods Tickets 556 1888

The small boy from that expensive BBC 'small people' promo film slowly suffocates with a Tesco carrier bag over his head on the front cover of the new Radio Times.
Aug 4 21.00 (22.00) £5.00 (£4.00)

MARK LAMARR
Venue 43 - Ailie's Cream Pie, Queen Street Tickets 556 1888

The hit comic (real name Marcus Gregory Lambson) unveils a new character. Not in the name of comedy - just a precaution against getting his head kicked in.
At the end of the performance, Lamarr will throw off his disguise and exclaim ‘I fooled you all, for ’tis I - Mark Lamarr!’ and the audience will gasp in amazement.
Then they’ll kick his head in.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE TWO LAURIE TAYLORS
Venue 12 - Plowman's Lunchbox Tickets 556 1888

Whimsical chat from Laurie Taylor the sociology professor, and (on the piano) Laurie Taylor the bloke who does the sound on things like 'French & Saunders'.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JUST MY PAWLUK!
Venue 67 - Christmas Tape Island Tickets 556 1888

Editing videotape isn’t all a bed of roses...
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE PERRIER AWARD AND BEING GAY: MY LIFE IN TWO ACTS
Venue 29 - Club Cashman Tickets 556 1888

Simon Fanshawe.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

QUEEEEESTIIIIIOOOON TIIIIIMEEEEEEEE
Venue 84 - BBC Scotland Tickets 556 1767

An even woozier version of the late-night discussion show.
‘Whoo, look - vertical hold...’ Chris Morris
Aug 5 - 18 0.00 (0.24) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE SECOND WORLD WAR
Stalag 13 - Lord Haw Haw's Laughter Camp Tickets 556 1939

Live version of the popular conflict. Much like the real thing, only with radio mics. And Hitler’s wig isn’t quite on right.
'Very much of its time' - Polly Toynbee
'The cheesy racism hasn't dated well' - Stewart Lee
'Well, we had a lot of fun doing it' - Adolf Hitler
Aug 15 - 29 21.00 (22.00) £10.00 (£9.00)

LEE MACK AND FRIES, PLEASE
(CANCELLED)

RECEIVED OPINIONS
Venue15 - 60 Pleasant, The Pleasant Tickets 556 1988

An exhibition of received opinions will be on display outside The Pleasant throughout the festival. Favourites include:
*70% of Monty Python was rubbish, when you look at it
*The last scene in Blackadder Goes Forth was really moving
*Smack The Pony should really ditch those songs
*Comedy, you see, is all about laughter
Immerse yourself in the inanity of it all, and meet others who share your original, provocative and wrong view. Tickets available in the sock you always lose down the launderette.
All Day Event

YOKO ONO
Film 3 - Bottoms Drive, Self Portrait Street Tickets 556 1982

The avant garde con artist returns to her first love - stand up.
Aug 1 - 29 21.30 (23.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

RICHARD BLACKWOOD
Venue 6 - Lygoe's Den Of Amusement Tickets 556 2765

Richard is known for his uncompromising routines - ie, a couple of ropy old sets about Monica Lewinsky that Curtis Walker doesn’t want any more, delivered in a vague American accent so that it doesn’t interfere with his plan to become an easily-exportable irony-free rap artist when his chat show gets axed.
‘He’s trying to dispel the corny stereotypes people have about the way black people speak. Respect!’ - Junior Simpson
Aug 20 - 28 21.00 (22.30) £10.00 (£8.00)

Do you hold the unoriginal, knee-jerk view that the songs at the end of 'Smack The Pony' weren’t very good? Well, why not join other Time Out television critics for...
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
Venue 18 - Scanners  Tickets 556 2765

A unique event, sponsored by the Radio Times
Aug 3 - 17 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE PRIORY
Venue 18 - Jacksonroot Drive Tickets 556 2345

Join Zoe Ball and Jamie Theakston for a special live Edinburgh show featuring special studio guests, music and at least fourteen jokes blatantly lifted from satire shows of the 90s. Watch out for a special appearance by Zoe’s dad Johnny ‘Think Of A Number’ Ball being latently belittled as a sad loser by his daughter and all her glory-hunting fuck-you-media friends, then wonder to yourself if this is actually as low as things can get.
Aug 23 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

BADDIEL AND SKINNER - UNPLANNED
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

David Baddiel and Frank Skinner present a show for which they’ve planned absolutely nothing. Well, apart from those warm-up shows.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

BADDIEL AND SKINNER'S VARIOUS SECRETARIES - UNPLANNED
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

A special live showcase for that steady stream of absolute and total dickbrained twats who managed to convince themselves they were funny or entertaining in some way.  Apart from that 'Laurie' one.  She was really great.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THODAY AND ALLEN-TURNER - UNPLANNED
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 4875

John Thoday and Richard Allen-Turner present a TV contract, the finer details of which they obviously haven’t thought through.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

A TEENAGE PREGNANCY - UNPLANNED
Back Home - London, Tickets 0171 556 7265

A comedy groupie leafs through the recent Edinburgh Fringe Guide checking the dates of performance against how many days she's actually late...
Sept 23 17.00 (17.30) £10.00 (£5.00)

MY PICK OF THE PERRIER - WITH ALISON GRAHAM
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Radio Times’ very own angry young thing takes us on a journey through who she thinks will win the coveted award despite it being absolutely nothing to do with her whatsoever. Be amused as Alison hotly tips anybody she assumes might possibly be halfway popular in the public eye yet refuses adamantly to swallow.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

A NAKED WOMAN DANCING TO A CASSETTE OF BARTOK
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Yeah - that joke.  Described in the Arts section as a living portrayal of one woman’s fight to come to terms with her own sense of shame and being, this is actually just a naked woman dancing to a cassette of Bartok. And unfortunately we’re too worried about the amount of tape-hiss reverberating from the cheap sound system in the venue to concentrate on pubes.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THAT BLOKE WHO USED TO SET FIRE TO HIS ARSE IN THE 80s
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

He’s back! That bloke who used to set fire to his arse in the 80s returns to Edinburgh to set fire to his arse.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

ALISON GOLDIE in
WHO AM I EXACTLY?
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

The ridiculous actress explains why appearing in one episode of 'The Mary Whitehouse Experience' means she’s an obvious choice for a Channel 5 documentary about her wanking habits.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE BEST OF COMEDY
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Introduced by Dave Gorman - the Pete Best of Comedy.
'No, you're wrong, he's lovely.  Don't you realise comedy is subjective?  And who's Pete Best anyway?' - Cutesy Gigglegush (Aged 14)
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JOHNNY VEGAS
Venue 256 - McIbiza Tickets 556 1878

Fat fuck.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

I PREFER CHOCOLATE TO SEX ANYDAY!
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Are you a woman who thinks saying ‘I prefer chocolate to sex anyday’ is the most original witticism ever? Well, why not join other boring people for a great evening out? You can say ‘I prefer chocolate to sex anyday’ as many times as you like, in the company of other bland individuals who will all laugh annoyingly afterwards and then pull a wry face.
‘Why is a vibrator good at cutting the grass? Becau...oh, hang on, I’ve got that wrong.’ -Cosmopolitan
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE LAWRENCE SUSPECTS
Venue 19 - Hesitant, 60 The Hesitant Tickets 5562098
The men accused of murdering black teenager Stephen Lawrence return to their first love - stand-up.
Aug 5 - 24 20.00 (21.00) £5.00 (£4.00)

MOUSE MATT
'Marjorie's' - Venue 78 Tickets 556 2765

Matt Lucas unveils a new character
Aug 28 - 29 18.00 (18.45) £5.00 (£4.00)

BJORN TO BE WILD
Venue 24 - Fernando's, Waterloo Tickets 556 2765

A comedian presents a show about his teenage fixation on Abba as if this is in some way original.
Yep, this pretty much defines our folklore...’ - Gay News
Aug 2 - 30 22.00 (22.45) £4.00 (£3.00)

RICHARD MORTON
Venue 14 - Heinous Drive, McNewcastle Tickets 556 2765

The camp Geordie does his routine about ram-raiding even though nobody really uses that phrase any more
‘Brilliant’ - Gran Man Hinny Man Gran Man
Aug 28 - 29 19.00 (20.45) £5.00 (£4.00)

KICK JANE ROOT UP THE CUNT
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Queue up with thousands of like-minded people and kick Jane Root up the cunt. See if that does the trick.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Punt & Dennis in
THE EDUCATION EXPERIENCE
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2295

Do you hold the opinion that Punt & Dennis are, and always have been, crap? Well, come along to The Pleasant on August 30 to hear episodes of the original radio version of The Mary Whitehouse Experience and witness your boring, point-scoring, Johnny-come-lately, wrong opinions crumbling before your very ears.
‘La la, la la - we can’t hear you...’ - Lee & Herring, Time Out, most people, etc
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

IAN COGNITO in
I HATE EVERYTHING
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

What will he say next? Probably a long rant about how he hates all religions, but with the emphasis on Christianity and Buddhism rather than Judaism and Islam, because, y’know, he might be dangerous but he’s got to be careful, you know what I mean.
‘Sick’ - Ricky Gervais
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

FEY LUCAS
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Matt Lucas reminisces about old 'Grange Hill' characters in a laid-back, disinterested manner.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

BILL BAILEY in
SEX ‘N’ KEBABS ‘N’ ROCK ‘N’ ROLL
Calders Gilded Balloon, the whoo venue Tickets 556 1099

The long-haired troubadour will be enjoying the festival in his unique way - ie, by selfishly doing a line of coke in a nightclub kitchen completely oblivious to the fact that people have to prepare food in there later on.
Special guest: Mitch Benn
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00) 

A LOCAL PLAY FOR LOCAL PEOPLE
Venue 43 - 'Patty's', Friedriech Rise  Tickets 556 2765

Darker and more surreal than ever. Those Gentlemen from 'The League Of Gentlemen' take to the stage. So if you’re dismayed that nobody seems to like Red Dwarf anymore why not get all your mates around to turn this once entertaining show into a bland fad too by squealing at all the pleb-bound 'sick' bits. The evening culminates with Gatiss, Sheersmith and the other one insulting the intelligence of their audience even further by explaining the 'complicated' ideas behind jokes that even a tiny child would understand
and attempting to model their entire career path on that of the Pythons in the space of a single year.
'Papa Lazarou - yeah, he'll do' - Hero Finders Monthly
Aug 14 21.00 (22.30) Free

DAVID WALLIAMS in
MY PARENTS COULDN’T SPELL WILLIAMS
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

'Oy!' - John Lloyd
Aug 2 - 22 20.00 (21.00) £10.00 (£9.00)

STEVEN MOFFAT
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

The writer of ‘Coupling’ and ‘Joking Apart’ tells us what life is like on his planet.
Aug 27 21.00 (22.00) £5.00 (£4.00)

THAT BLOKE WHO DID THE WARM UP FOR BADDIEL & SKINNER
Venue 33 - Pleasant, 60 The Pleasant Tickets 556 2765

Coming across like a cross between Harry Hill, Lee Evans and Jimmy Cricket, that bloke who did the warm up for Baddiel & Skinner is back to delight audiences who are into Harry Hill, Lee Evans and Jimmy Cricket. And he has a suitcase of elaborate props too like that ‘Amazing Jonathan’ bloke from America. And when he's used them all up he does a load of painful one-liners like Tim Vine.  In short, about as original as the concept of air.
Aug 3 - 26 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

WOODY ALLEN, ROB NEWMAN and RICHARD HERRING in
OH, WHY CAN’T WE GET GIRLFRIENDS?
Venue 33 - Present, 60 The Present Tickets 556 8655

Three comedians do a lot of self-deprecating material about how they can’t get off with anyone, even though they clearly can.
Aug 20 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

SPECIFICS
Venue 33 - Pleasure, 60 The Pleasure Tickets 556 7474

Do you think Jack Dee is brilliant because of his 'dry' sense of humour?  Do you rate The Two Ronnies' 'Fork Handles' sketch as possibly their best work?  Do you laugh loudly at the 'comedy bits' in Eastenders? Did you think the idea of lowering the age of consent for gay men amounted to 'political correctness gone doollally'?  Do you hate all black people but don't mind Lenny Henry because 'he makes you laugh?' Are you really pleased that England beat Germany recently because it's been a long time coming?  Do you think Tony Blair is about to sell this country down the river to Europe?  Do you spend most of the summer wandering around the place in nothing except a child's cotton nightie that's far too short and shows off your cunt and dangling bloodied tampon string whenever you reach into the fridge for a bottle of water?  Then you must be my flatmate Rebecca Nicholson.  Bung the kettle on, will you?
Aug 20 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

TWO FAT WOMEN IN TIGHT DRESSES SINGING SONGS
Venue 33 - Pleasure, 60 The Pleasure Tickets 556 7474

Self Explanatory
Aug 10 - 29 21.00 (22.00) £7.00 (£6.00)

KNOWING ME, DAVE GORMAN, KNOWING YOU, ANOTHER DAVE GORMAN...
Venue 83 - Willow Road, Forum Street Tickets 556 7498

And it was at this point that the crumbly elastic band which holds its disinterested grip around the comedy world finally snapped, sending everyone hurtling into outer space.
'See?  Told you!' - Adam Bromley, Producer, BBC
Aug 2 - 26 20.00 (21.00) £7.00 (£7.00)

To celebrate the long-awaited release of hitherto-banned cinema classics like A Clockwork Orange and The Exorcist, why not come along and endure once more
EVERYONE’S STUPID FUCKING OPINIONS
Venue 3 - Up Parsons’ Arse Tickets 556 0987

Aug 4, 5, 8, 19 10.00 (22.00) £6.00 (£5.00)

INNES OWN TROUSERS
Venue 97 - 'Ready Mades', World Road Tickets 556 2765

Ex-Bonzo Dog and Python collaborator Neil Innes presents a one-man show with reminiscences and songs from his illustrious career, marred only by a certain Christopher Morris in the audience who will talk very loudly to some short cunt in a cap about how great Peter Cook was until someone very kindly leans over and tells them both to shut the fuck up.
Aug 2 - 30 19.00 (20.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

ALAN DAVIES
Venue 4 - 'The Bowlcut' Tickets 556 1982

Alan Davies returns to his first love - self-promotion.
Aug 6 - 30 21.00 (22.00) £15.00 (£14.00)

WOWIE DOWIE
(UNCONFIRMED)

SEAN CULLEN
Venue 67 - next door to the man who thinks he's Jesus Tickets 556 2765

American (or possibly Canadian) Sean breaks off from Corky & The Juice Pigs to go solo leaving the other two looking really stupid and himself totally lost without the nice harmonies.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

TILL DARTH US DO PART
Venue 8 - The Playlet Tickets 556 2765

Star Wars-based show.  Darth Vader's daughter Princess Una arrives at the Death Star with her layabout husband, a 'Randy Scouse Wookie'.  And that's the best two jokes out of the way - it's all downhill from there.
Aug 21 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

SGT PEPPERDINE’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB VICKI(CANCELLED)

PHILL JUPITUS
Venue 33 - Whoring, In The Red Tickets 556 2765

A man inserts some rabbis into a flat pocket of bread.
‘Oh no, it’s that kind of ‘fill Jew pittas’ - Gilbert Ratchet, Viz
July 30 - Aug 27 12.00 (23.00) £30 (£27)

THE GREAT BIG CLUB
Venue 14 - McPlebs, Jacksonroot Drive Tickets 556 2765

The Ministry of Sound and Boy George are the resident DJs for a week of special rave events specially commissioned by Kevin Lygoe to keep their unimaginative Channel 4 documentaries fed with shots of malnourished blokey twats in shades and infantile gormless women lifting up their tops to camera in a way that suggests that growing a pair of freckly tits is their greatest achievement. Meanwhile, over in Ibiza, some sunburnt women laugh at a vibrator.
'Ohhhhh, fuck off and read a book' - Some Of The Corpses Are Amusing
Aug 20, 22 & 30 21.00 (4.00) £15.00 (£10.00)

PICK OF THE FRINGE
Assembly Rooms, Wherever, Etcetera Tickets 556 2765

Well, that's the good thing about living in a democracy.  You get a choice...
Aug 30 21.00 (22.00) £12.00 (£11.00)

PRICK OF THE FRINGE
Assembly Hall - Yah Yah Drive Tickets 556 2765

Chris Addison.
Aug 12 - 27 20.00 (21.00) £5.00 (£4.00)

PICK OF THE BINGE
Pleasance Courtyard - The Gutter Tickets 556 2765

Richard Herring gets incredibly drunk with his mates and makes a complete pottery tit of himself singing 'Don't Look Back In Anger' at some Karaoke party.  Then he sobers up and moans about how he always loses money when he goes to Edinburgh.
Aug 30 21.00 (22.00) £12.00 (£11.00)

PICK OF THE HINGE
Krenshaw Utensil's Ugly Daughter - Queen Street

The 'Hinge' one out of Hinge And Bracket takes us through all the bits of the act that he wrote.
Aug 30 21.00 (22.00) £12.00 (£11.00)

PICK OF THE MINGE
Venue 66 - Little Perks, Princess Street Tickets 556 2765

A comedy groupie sneezes, drenching her friends with the rancid spunk of a dozen up-and-coming comedians, all tipped for the top.
Aug 30 17.00 (17.45) £5.00 (£4.00)

THE NATIONAL EDINBURGH FILM AND TELEVISION THEATRE FESTIVAL
Kermode's - King Buxton's Blue World Tickets 556 1987

NatWest or someone sponsors
SO YA WANNA MAKE MOVIES...?
A new opportunity for innovative young film-makers who like to completely misunderstand why most people enjoy watching films. The prize will be awarded to something completely tedious which nonetheless fits into some kind of ‘dark’ remit much beloved by the kind of reference-hunting wankers who sycophantically refer to film directors by their surnames. The booby prize will be awarded to anyone who just films a good story normally.
Tickets available on the mantelpiece, behind the complete David Lynch video collection.
Aug 1 - 30 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIMPSONS
This year marks the 1,000th time the BBC have screened the mediocre third-series episode 'Boy Scoutz N The Hood'.
To celebrate this momentous piece of television history, the BBC will be screening the mediocre third-series episode 'Boy Scoutz N The Hood'.
Aug 16 21.30 (22.00) Free

THE FOUR FILM REVIEW SHOW
A selection of special film premieres live from the Edinburgh Festival Film Four Film Festival on Four (C4). Introduced by the bloke who actually committed the crime which Johnny Vaughan purportedly did time in prison for.
Aug 4 - 29 21.00 (22.45) Free

RICHARD HERRING WRITES A NOTE TO THE MILKMAN ALL THE WAY FROM FIJI
The Cheddar playwright spends all the money he's earned this year on a nice holiday for himself and his mates before his management has a chance to spend it all on whores and drugs.
Aug 20 Free (paid for by NBC/Fox/Gates America)

Channel 5 presents
KIDDIE PORN SEASON
For the first time in 25 years, a chance to see some notorious, classic British child porn from the 1970s. Recoil in shock as the films turn out to have proper plots and star people like Dandi Nichols, Pamela Stephenson and various stray members of Tony Blair’s extended family.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

JOHN O’FARRELL & PETE SINCLAIR
Two bland men bumbling along until they can write a hit sitcom, sell it to the States, then contract out the writing so they don’t have to bother any more.
‘And me, don’t forget me!’ - Dan Patterson
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

CHICKEN RUN
Special premiere.  Audiences are invited to come and watch Nick Park standing around, half-blinded by camera flashbulbs, holding yet another Oscar and grinning in that watery way of his.
Aug 17 20.00 (21.00) £25 (£23) 

LAURENCE MARKS & MAURICE GRAN
The duo responsible for 'Goodnight Sweetheart' and 'Birds of a Feather' talk about what makes great comedy. Other people, mainly.
Every night, in a slightly cold room.
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

Sacha Baron Cohen presents
DA RETURN OF ALI G
The derivative, badly-realised character is joined by a series of politicians who all respond completely reasonably and intelligently to his questions and clearly realise it’s a joke thing anyway.
Plus, the unveiling of his new character: Nobby the Nigger.
Aug 3 21.00 (22.00) £9.00 (£7.00)

EDINBURGH OR BUST
Channel 4 present an impartial look at the best Edinburgh comedy, in association with whatever Karen Koren decides will give her the best publicity. Featuring vox pops galore, so long as they say nice things.
The series will end with slow-motion footage of a comedian collecting some pathetic little plastic cup from a non-existent award committee so the series can end on a high note.
Note: Audiences must enter the venue in time-lapse speed, and then exit looking sweaty and going ‘absolutely brilliant’.
‘It’s Friday night, and newcomer Jon Reed is...ow, who threw that?’ Jenny Eclair
Throughout The Festival Free

SOUTH PARK
Stage version of the popular over-rated student fad that’s quite funny in places until you realise you’re not watching anything particularly original or exciting when it all comes down to it. The evening ends with a load of songs which turn out to be absolutely incredible but which journalists will claim spoils the whole event.  Cunts.
‘Sick’ - Richard Herring

Followed by:
TREY & MATT - FROM SOUTH PARK TO NOWHERE
Trey Parker and Matt Stone present a short season of all their other work which nobody cares about because in hasn’t got Cartman in it saying his catchphrase. Don’t miss this unique opportunity to see Trey and Matt in person claiming that they’re so bloody counter-cultural and subversive to have gotten ‘South Park’ on the air despite the fact that somewhere along the line they must have sat in a Comedy Central studio manager’s office wearing suits and smiling politely at pie charts and potential overseas sales figures.
Aug 4 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£8.00)

FRIENDS
Preview showings of the popular children's series
This year: 'The One Where Ross Fucks Off'
Aug 28 - 29 21.00 (23.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE NATIONAL EDINBURGH FILM AND TELEVISION THEATRE FESTIVAL PRESENTS ‘AN EVENING WITH THE GOODIES’
A treat for comedy fans. The evening kicks off with a question and answer session with the three surviving members during which Bill Oddie will giggle a lot, Tim Brooke-Taylor will be fey and Graeme Garden will be an obstinate old swine who dismisses their entire work as a bit childish. After which there will be special showings of the episodes ‘The Movies’ and ‘Goodies Rule OK’ which will stun those audience members who bang on about The Boosh being innovative and exciting into rigid, amazed silence. At the climax of the show BBC2 controller Jane Root will come on stage and attempt to explain why The Goodies wouldn’t be of interest to today’s comedy watchers, and the entire audience will rush the stage and kick her up the cunt. Goody Goody Yum Yum.
Note: A special Stewart Lee lecture entitled ‘Why The Goodies Was Racist’ has been cancelled until he can sort his ideas out a bit.
Aug 14 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE KEVIN LYGOE LECTURE
Kevin Lygoe, Channel 4's golden boy of Entertainment, presents his vision of a better broadcasting Britain while Sacha Baron Cohen translates it into 'street-speak' for the plebs and a woman with no bra and enormous breasts jogs on the spot to whatever happens to be number one in the Pepsi chart that week.
Aug 15 21.00 (22.45) £7.00 (£6.50)

THE NATIONAL EDINBURGH FILM AND TELEVISION THEATRE FESTIVAL PRESENTS ‘AN EVENING WITH JIMMY MULVILLE’
(Cancelled)

BLAND
FilmFour

THE RICHARD CURTIS LECTURE
A rare chance to hear Richard Curtis, award-winning writer of 'The Vicar Of Dibley' and 'Four Weddings And A Funeral' explaining his unique working method - every time Emma Freud fellates him, another bit of his talent gets sucked out.
Aug 28 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE COMEDY NATION PILOTS
Special screening of all the pilots commissioned on the strength of the various disparate performers on BBC2’s ‘Comedy Nation’. Kicks off with Ricky Grover’s ‘Buller’ and pretty much finishes there too I would imagine.  Hosted by Kevin Eldon, if he can remember who he is that evening.
Aug 20 21.00 (22.45) £5.00 (£4.00)

DOTCOMEDY LIVE FROM THE FRINGE
Gail Porter and Chris Addison raid the hard drive of someone in the audience and find something they didn’t expect - hidden QuickTime files of 'Lollytots 3' and 'Chicken Supreme'.
Aug 4 21.00 (22.45) Free

UK PLAY PRESENTS 'THE HOLOCAUST'
Special preview screening of a new UK Play documentary about the appalling atrocities of Second World War Nazi concentration camps, relieved every few minutes by the latest pop videos from Steps and Travis.
Aug 27 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

MEDIA URBAN MYTHS
Venue 56 - Iain's Scouthut Tickets 556 2765

Do you know a great juicy story about a well-known celebrity? Do you mistakenly believe you’re the one of the elite few who are important enough to be trusted with the information? Have you heard the story about Debbie McGee being fucked by an alsation? Well, come along and view this unique display of things everyone knows anyway. Every night at The Pleasant, introduced by the bloke who actually did the crime Johnny Vaughan purportedly went to prison for.
Prize for the most convincing anecdote - the cocaine from Diana’s handbag and a night out with Jim Davidson.  Presented by Jools Holland and the late Queen Mother.
‘Free tickets for me, or the kids get it!’ - Kate Adie
Aug 7 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

THE JEFF IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
(NO WAY)

JASPER CARROTT presents
FUNKY MOPED
DJM's - Rhomann's Pen Tickets 556 2765

Live from the Boggery, a unique event - for the first time since 1975, a load of wanky-opinioned journalists actually listen to Carrott’s top ten hit all the way through several times. The evening ends with them realising it was actually a great song and they’ve been lying to each other all these years.
They will then amend their ‘Worst Records Of All Time’ lists and start slagging off 'The Chicken Song' instead, even though that was a fucking parody as well.
‘Faintly bobble hat time...’ - Jasper Carrott
Aug 5 - 29 21.00 (22.45) £10.00 (£9.00)

DWIGHT BERTYWERTY-SCHMUCKBERG III Jnr in
GODDAM IT, SCHODDAM IT
Barney's Laffter Hut - McFleeceberg, Idaho Tickets 556 2765

Observations New York style from the comedian whose hotel room was so cold he woke up and found Walt Disney in the bed with him.
Aug 12 - 20 22.00 (23.30) £5.00 (£4.00)

So, enjoy your Edinburghs, each and all. However, we shan't be joining you. We shall be in London, watching our backs...