CRITICAL CONDITION:
Comedy
Broadcast on Channel 4 - 11pm, 5 August
1998
Written, presented and
produced by Jon Ronson
This was the first of Jon Ronson’s four-part series on critics and the role they fulfill, the subsequent episodes concerning themselves with opera, theatre and film. It’s a good example of Ronson’s journalistic technique - like Louis Theroux, his fey, cardigan-wearing persona disguising a sage and focused mind. He willfully lets people dig their own graves, but - as with his For The Love Of... discussion series - he is also very fair, giving them ample opportunity beforehand to demonstrate their integrity.
Critical Condition was shown only once, late at night on Channel 4, which is wrong. It should be shown regularly, as a companion to Edinburgh Or Bust, and Time Out writers should be made to choke on it for breakfast. It’s a proper documentary, with information in it - not a puff piece for someone in need of a leg-up, but a genuine exploration of a situation which is getting increasingly more grim. It was filmed during the 1997 festival, and it seems nothing has changed. Yet.
For anyone who thinks SOTCAA is populated by paranoid, conspiracy-hunting cynics, this is your set text...
PART 1
Opening titles and snatch of title song - ‘Don’t Mess with Mr Inbetween’
Cut to footage of Greg Proops on stage
JON RONSON V/O
Stand-up comedians can seem very hostile towards their
critics.
We fade up on Proops’ routine:
GREG PROOPS
And
I don’t mean t’sound churlish, I’ve had a lotta
fuckin’ luck here - I don’t think the critics can hurt,
really, er...me at this point, y’know...’cos
they’ve said nothing but that I’m an asshole and should
leave for five years, and er...
Cut to Dylan Moran on stage
JON RONSON V/O
Here at the Edinburgh Festival, it can feel like the
battle lines are drawn between critics and comedians.
We fade up on Moran’s routine:
DYLAN MORAN
And of course I cultivate a lot of affection
for critics, like most performers, y’know? I think the word
‘critic’ suggests an insect that eats its young for
pleasure...y’know? (Mimes eating) ‘Hello, I’m
guilty...’
Cut back to Proops’ set:
PROOPS
And
they’re entitled to their opinion n’shit. I mean, if
there weren’t critics, er...God, that’d be great, now
wouldn’t that just...?
Cut to Ian Shuttleworth rehearsing for his show ‘Critical Mass’ at the Pleasance Below. (Or maybe it’s a performance - so difficult to tell...) He stands by a small table, upon which is a sign reading ‘CRITICAL MASS: ‘Comic genius’ - The Independent’ (a paper for which he used to write - perhaps this is a joke?) and a pint-glass of Perrier. He drags earnestly on a cigarette.
IAN SHUTTLEWORTH
Well, basically, what it is, you see, is
I’m a cretin. The kind of idiot who’ll spend August up
here seeing five shows...(pretends to consult notes, and then
returns to the mic)...basically, what it is, you see, is
I’m a critic.
Brief shot of Ronson, amused at this gaglet.
RONSON V/O
And
now, into this uneasy atmosphere, comes Ian Shuttleworth, the
Financial Times comedy critic. Ian’s the first comedy critic
ever to make that leap across the divide and become a stand-up
comedian.
SHUTTLEWORTH
And
now, oh dearly beloved, I’m here to share the fruits of my
often bitter, sometimes openly immoral, experience with you.
Cut to footage of Shuttleworth backstage. He approaches a cluttered table, finds a hand-mirror amidst some debris, and begins to examine his nose and eyes.
RONSON V/O
Ian
Shuttleworth has written a comedy routine that incorporates songs
and funny anecdotes about his life as a critic. He’s booked
himself a fortnight run at the Pleasance theatre, and he’s
allowed us to film his progress.
Cut to Shuttleworth in the Pleasance courtyard, handing out his own flyers to uninterested tourists.
RONSON V/O
Ian’s got a head-start over most new comedians.
He’s got some very influential friends here - fellow critics,
and even members of the judging panel for the Perrier Comedy
Award.
We see Shuttleworth in a luvvie embrace with a member of the Perrier committee. ‘Now you know what it feels like!’ she chirrups.
Cut to a van pulling up outside the Pleasance - a man gets out and takes a stack of Scotsman newspapers into the courtyard.
RONSON V/O
Ian
hopes to get some rave reviews and maybe even win the Perrier Award,
like Steve Coogan and Sean Hughes before him. The most important
review of all here is a five-star review in The Scotsman.
Cut to two backwater nobodies examining the paper for a review of their show. ‘Bastards!’ exclaims one. ‘Fuck all again!’ says the other.
Cut to interior of the Pleasance. We pan across a stairway to a sign reading ‘Performance In Progress’.
Cut to Shuttleworth in mid-flow. There are four people in his audience.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Erm...what it is, you see, basically,
is...I’m a cretin. The kind of idiot who’ll spend August
up here seeing five sh...(does ‘pretending to consult
notes’ joke)...what it is, you see, basically, is
I’m a critic.
RONSON V/O
But
things haven’t been good so far, and there’s been no
review in The Scotsman. Word of mouth hasn’t got round
yet.
Shot of James Christopher opening the door of his Edinburgh flat to Ronson’s camera crew. Christopher is about 40 and is wearing a baseball cap.
RONSON V/O
It’s Thursday, and I’ve gone to see James
Christopher - the theatre critic for The Times and a friend of
Ian’s. James is in Edinburgh to judge the Perrier Award.
We join Christopher as he potters about in his kitchen, washing up coffee mugs.
JAMES CHRISTOPHER
Watching people die on stage is one of the great sports of
the Edinburgh Festival.
RONSON V/O
Most
comedians only come to Edinburgh so a judge like James will consider
their show. In a few days time, James will judge Ian’s
performance.
Cut to Christopher ascending the Pleasance staircase, carrying a pint of beer.
CHRISTOPHER
One
always goes into a theatre with expectation, carrying hope...and one
always leaves depressed. Well...maybe not...
Cut to inside of theatre. Marcus Brigstocke is in mid-routine:
MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE
Has anyone else here got kids?
(Mimes
lairy posture) ‘Not as far as I know’!
We can make out the silhouettes of Ronson and Christopher at the back of the venue; Christopher talks loudly while Brigstocke continues:
BRIGSTOCKE
Don’t marry anyone that’s entirely
beige...
CHRISTOPHER
(To Ronson) What time does he finish?
RONSON
In an
hour.
CHRISTOPHER
Probably another...oh, makes you fucking sick, another
hour of this crap...
BRIGSTOCKE
I’ve never heard woman answering that question the
same way - it’s like, ‘Madam, do you have any
children?’, ‘Not as far as I know...’ No, I tell
you, though, the real reason I find hairdresser’s a traumatic
place, and I’m gonna come right out of the closet on this one,
is because I have a hairy back...
CHRISTOPHER
What
a fascinating man!
BRIGSTOCKE
Well,
that’s fine. You can make that noise, if you want to. But I
have something I need to tell you. You know that thing about blokes
not knowing where the clitoris is? Big lie - known for years, just
don’t care!
On mention of the word ‘clitoris’, Christopher has had enough:
CHRISTOPHER
See
yer later, Jon.
We can just make out Ronson doing a thumbs-up ‘yup, see yer later’ gesture as Christopher leaves.
Back in the Pleasance courtyard:
CHRISTOPHER
I’ve seen four shows and I’ve walked out of
three. Did you enjoy it?
RONSON
No I
didn’t really...
CHRISTOPHER
No,
I didn’t enjoy it either. Er...that’s why I left.
Erm...
RONSON
But
I’ve been keeping away from you because...
CHRISTOPHER
Was
it again the last 20 minutes that you thought were better than the
first 45 minutes?
RONSON
No, it
was all, it was all...
CHRISTOPHER
(‘That’s the way it is’
type voice) It was crap. Jon, that’s gonna happen all the
time...is that you’re gonna go and see shows, for the first 45
minutes, 40 minutes, you’re gonna actually sit there, then the
last 25 minutes you’re gonna go ‘Fuck, I wanna get out
of here...’ And you’ve just gotta go. Why waste your
time, going to see this crap? Just fucking get out,
y’know?
Cut to Shuttleworth buying a copy of the Scotsman from a vendor.
RONSON V/O
Friday. Ian’s not been happy these past few days -
there’s still no review in The Scotsman. Tomorrow, James will
be considering Ian’s show for the Perrier Award. I hope that
James doesn’t walk out of Ian’s show too - Ian and James
are friends and fellow critics, and I don’t want an unpleasant
scene to ensue.
Shuttleworth frantically rifles through his Scotsman. There is no review. He does a King Lear-type gesture to the heavens.
SHUTTLEWORTH
You see, I wasn’t caring as much till
you started following me and getting me taking the issue every
night. Now the dramatic tension’s escalating and escalating
and it’s getting to me as well. (He starts pacing, running his
hands through his sweaty locks)
Cut to Christopher entering the Pleasance Below:
RONSON V/O
Saturday. James is half an hour late for Ian’s show,
which is in full swing. This isn’t a good start.
Cut to inside of venue. Again, hardly anyone in the audience.
SHUTTLEWORTH
You
see...for years, I made no bones about my
corruptibility...y’know, I’d come right out and tell
people, ‘Well, you want a positive mention? That’ll be a
couple of pints...rave review? Well, that’s sexual favours
with a member of the company...’
Christopher enters loudly, and sits with Jon at the back.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Never go to any solo, biographical show performed by an
American actress of a certain age. If you read in the notes - and,
as I did a few years ago - that so-and-so ‘is probably best
known for her portrayal Corabeth Godsy in The Waltons’, you
know you don’t wanna get any closer to it than Musselborough.
Christopher cackles loudly, in an unconvincing ‘Ha ha ha ha ha’ type way, knowing full-well that he is miked up.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Genuine example. But, in a late-breaking
addition to the show, the, er...we’ve got a fine example from
Tuesday’s Scotsman. Um, opening paragraph of the...of the
review...(shows blown-up print-out of review to
audience)...‘a look at Wallace Corrothers, the inventor of
nylon on the night of his suicide, this solo performance charts the
alcoholism, failed love affairs and mental illness which led to his
despair’. And I know we’ll all be beating a path to that
venue!
More sycophantic sniggers from Christopher, with mutterings of ‘That’s brilliant’ under his breath.
SHUTTLEWORTH
But
possibly the greatest value-free one-liner ever written is...
Shuttleworth unveils another blown-up photocopy, which reads ‘Lovers of Latvian avant garde drama will love this Latvian avant garde drama’. Completely failing to understand that this was clearly humour on the part of the reviewer, he reads it out:
SHUTTLEWORTH
‘Lovers of Latvian avant garde drama will love this
Latvian avant garde...’
Christopher is laughing so much, Shuttleworth doesn’t bother finishing the sentence.
RONSON V/O
Later, Ian will identify James’ laughter as the
turning point. It gave him confidence and it changed the atmosphere
in the room. It became the moment when Ian finally won over the
audience.
We see all seven audience members applaud pathetically. Christopher is the most enthusiastic, shouting ‘Whey!’
SHUTTLEWORTH
Thanks a lot!
RONSON V/O
After
the show, James announces that he thinks Ian should win the Perrier
Award.
Cut to the Perrier committee in their posh boardroom - Nica Burns and the usual suspects.
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Er...Ian Shuttleworth?
CHRISTOPHER
His
material is fantastic. I mean, and h...what he does with it is...is
actually...took me by, completely by surprise, I mean Ian...some of
you may know him, but he’s a genuine eccentric, I
can’t...I don’t understand what he goes on about 99% of
the time in real life, and on stage it suddenly makes sense. Maybe
that’s...
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
It sounds to me...
RONSON V/O
150
shows had been considered for the Perrier Award at this meeting, and
now - thanks to James - Ian is down to the final 20.
Cut to Shuttleworth in his hotel room. He is sticky and flushed with excitement.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Ah...bugger me, it worked!
Brief cutaway to Shuttleworth’s mantelpiece - a glittery good-luck card with a penguin on the front bearing the legend ‘Stay Cool!’, an assortment of copper coinage, and a half-full (or half-empty) bottle of whisky.
SHUTTLEWORTH
I
guess, trading on my status, I thought I’d be able to get some
attention from the panellists I knew, and maybe...maybe parley it
into some kind of...of novelty citation. But serious consideration
hadn’t...hadn’t occurred to me. Erm...yeah...again,
er...one of the things, that...y-y-you don’t let yourself
dream. Because it’s so completely at odds with the likelihood
of how reality was gonna pan out.
Cut to Shuttleworth being photographed by Edinburgh paparazzi. He grins into the sun, holding his pint glass aloft.
RONSON V/O
Tuesday. Word of Ian’s place on the Perrier
long-list has got around, and now Ian is big news in Edinburgh.
Finally, a Scotsman review has been written by another close friend
of Ian’s - Anya.
Cut to Anya in her hotel room. She reads out an extract from her review:
ANYA
‘Maniacally weaving facts and anecdotes into a
seamless - and sometimes shameless - stream of witticisms, he
explains what the words on all those publicity blurbs really mean.
He gives hilarious examples of why shows using the words like
‘wacky’ and ‘unpredictable’ should be given
a wide berth...’
She is then interviewed by Ronson:
ANYA
He...he deserved a good review, so that’s what
I gave him. I tried to keep my personal, erm...involvement to one
side and just continued as a normal reviewer. Dunno whether it
worked. (Mugs)
RONSON
How many
stars have you given it?
ANYA
(With an undercurrent of ‘I have to
admit...’) I have given it five...
RONSON
Out
of?
ANYA
Out of
five. Erm...it was going to be four and a half, but he said if I
gave him five stars he’d never propose marriage to me again,
so, er...I went with it!
RONSON
Did it
cross your mind maybe to put some criticism into the review?
ANYA
People still have feelings. You may not have enjoyed
all the show, but there must be some redeeming features there which
make people think, ‘well, I can still hold my head up in the
street and not feel like throwing myself under the next bus’.
Erm...and he is...I-I think he’s quite a sensitive person as
well, so...(shrugs in a ‘what can yer do?’ type
way)...you have to take all these things into consideration
when you have this kind of power.
Back to the Pleasance courtyard:
RONSON V/O
I
thought Ian would be overjoyed at the news of the imminent five-star
review, but instead he’s very angry. Ian’s heard that
The Scotsman’s editors have been docking stars from reviews,
and Ian’s five star review may appear as four stars. Ian feels
this is a terrible injustice.
SHUTTLEWORTH
And
as far as I’m concerned, if it comes out and it’s got
four then the Pleasance can damn well put the fifth star back up and
stick that on the publicity, and if The Scotsman call us on it, well
I’m perfectly prepared to sing from the rooftops that
they’ve been buggering about with the copy they’ve been
receiving from their reviewers, for no readily apparent reason.
RONSON V/O
Two
hours later, and Ian’s review finally hits the street.
I’m afraid his success may be changing him - Ian has tasted
glory now, and I don’t think he’ll be happy until he has
everything.
Shuttleworth has read his review:
SHUTTLEWORTH
Having already been told unofficially by the reviewer that
it was a five star review, it now appears in print as four. Oh yes,
if I were...if I were being rational, I’d be dead chuffed,
but, y’know, the fact is, I know that, as submitted, it was
even better than it’s come out as printed. So, yeah...I want
it all, me!
PART 2
RONSON V/O
It’s Friday. As a result of James’ eulogy,
every member of the Perrier committee are coming to today’s
show. The Perrier judges all decide to sit in the front row -
usually this wouldn’t matter because they are incognito, but
because Ian is friends with most of them I feel he may be put off.
Cut to Shuttleworth in mid-routine. Despite the presence of the Perrier committee, there is still hardly anyone in the room.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Well, what it is, you see, basically, is
I’m a critic. (A little laughter) The kind of
idiot who’ll spend August up here seeing five shows a day, and
on my days off I’ll go to the theatre.
We cut away to various committee members. They look gloomy and bored.
SHUTTLEWORTH
In that time, I’ve written about this
consciousness-buggering jamboree for The Independent, The List,
currently the Financial Times, and even - God help us - OK Weekly.
Being a critic’s all about abuse of power, after all.
I’m not a stand up. I’m more a sort of lean-to,
really...(Fade)
The Pleasance courtyard again. Ian, smuggling tic-tacs, is not happy.
RONSON V/O
After the show, Ian decides to approach the
Perrier judges.
PERRIER COMMITTEE WOMAN
I thought you were going to pick on me more. I was getting
very anxious there in the first row. You alright?
SHUTTLEWORTH
Just saving...how do...yeah...not happy today.
WOMAN
Not happy?
After the show, or just generally?
SHUTTLEWORTH
I
don’t know what it was, I just felt I was...I was a lot slower
in...er...I mean, at one stage I was getting bored with the...with
the sentence patterns, the cadence patterns, so...erm, I lost
confidence in the material midway through
Ronson asks another Perrier judge, Rory, what he thinks about Ian Shuttleworth being shortlisted. Throughout this interview, Ian Shuttleworth is seen in the background, being patted on the back by his colleagues and enjoying his ale.
RORY
(Confused) About Ian? What about Ian? Are we...
RONSON
He’s getting on the shortlist now.
RORY
(Snorts in a ‘Don’t be fucking
ridiculous’ type way) He’s not getting on the
shortlist! He’s...he’s not getting on the shortlist!
Who-who-who-who thought that it was gonna go...who thought he was
good enough to go on? (Ronson indicates James) Well, I
don’t wanna frighten James and stuff, but do they know each
other or what...(cutaway of James at the bar, butter
refusing to melt in his mouth)...are
they mates...well, y’know, he’s biased, I-I don’t
think he should have a vote. But we’re standing very very
close to him...I mean, do you not think he might have overheard?
Later on. Ronson interviews Rory in the ‘Food Glorious Food’ snack bar:
RONSON V/O
Rory’s not a critic in everyday life. He won a
competition in a magazine to become a Perrier judge.
RONSON
You felt
very strongly about Ian Shuttleworth.
RORY
Yeah, I did., because I think it’s...I-I-I
don’t think that a friend should...should have...or I
don’t think a friend on the panel would...should have the right to
put forward another friend who’s doing a stand up
show.
RONSON
Does that
make you think that the world of critics...
RORY
Is incestuous? Hm-mm. And, er...and
watching...watching the show, which I did enjoy, I mean I did
laugh, but I caught all the references, you know...but I would have
been appalled to see him on the shortlist.
’Cos it was so...I mean, er...and it’s incredible,
it...did he really get a five-star review in The Scotsman?
RONSON
Well they
moved it down to four...somebody...he-he...it was submitted as
five-star review, but they made it four stars, it got published as
four.
RORY
Why’s
that?
RONSON
Erm...I
think the editor of The Scotsman...
RORY
...was worried that Ian Shuttleworth would disappear
up his own arse? (Ronson is clearly amused; Rory grins and drinks from
his bottle of Highland Spring) Do you know who the
reviewer was?
RONSON
A woman
called Anya.
RORY
Anya? Not
heard of her.
RONSON
(Audibly delighted at telling him) Well,
she’s a friend of Ian’s.
RORY
Oh, you’re...(Laughs spectacularly) For
God’s sake! That’s terrible! Come on!
That’s terrible! I don’t believe that - really?! How many friends
has this guy got?
RONSON V/O
As a
member of the public, Rory considers himself a fresh pair of eyes,
untainted by the scourge of industry nepotism.
The next day. Rory is no longer in such good spirits, and voices his objection to the Perrier committee:
RORY
I was very
disturbed that, er...that...I-I understand what Jon...when you said
to me yesterday that...that had been put forward for consideration
for the shortlist. The more and more I thought about it, I
became...furious, I was incoherent with rage,
erm...that-that...about the incestuousness that some...that a friend
should nominate a friend. I, er...I-I-I really strongly felt that
that should not have happened. Jon gave me the impression,
erm...that, er...that it...that was going to be discussed as a
possible shortlist show...
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Only in the context that everybody else is being
discussed, Rory...
RORY
(With overtones of ‘If you say
so’) Oh, right.
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
I mean, not-not...any more specially. Can we talk...
CHRISTOPHER
I
don’t...I honestly thought the material was...was very good,
I...
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Can we talk about whether the show was any good?
CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, that’s what I was..
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Why did you think it was a good show, James?
CHRISTOPHER
I
thought it was fantastic, the material. I thought it was
very...
SECOND FEMALE
I
thought it was, erm...I thought it would have made a funny article,
but I thought he’s not a performer...
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Yeah, it was not an article...
SECOND FEMALE
And writing gags is a very very different thing to writing
cr..., y’know...any kind of journalistic piece.
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
It was like a piece being read out...
SECOND FEMALE
And it was like, yeah...and it was...er, it was alright,
erm...as a, as a piece...but I just thought it was, erm...
FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
It was entertaining...
CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, what did you feel about the material that he was
doi...OK, alr...I agree, actually, about his performance, I
don’t think that’s a strong part of Ian’s show,
but I do feel, that his material, though you would...would say it
was an in...incestuous thing to do...
RORY
Deeply.
CHRISTOPHER
Deeply incestuous thing to do.
RORY
Deeply
incestuous.
CHRISTOPHER
Deeply, deeply incestuous...
MALE VOICE (OOV)
Master of detail...
CHRISTOPHER
...is, er...I thought there was...it was...
MALE VOICE (OOV)
I just wondered whether it appealed to anybody else?
CHRISTOPHER
Yah,
I was...that’s what I was concer...slightly worried, whether
it would appeal to-to other people
RORY
Uh-uh...
CHRISTOPHER
It
appealed to me greatly because I...y’know,
I...obviously...have...come from that world. But did anyone else
think it was a...everyone else think it was a complete waste of
time, then?
THIRD FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
There was...there was no reason for me to be there.
Night. Cut to outside of the Gilded Balloon. A queue is forming.
RONSON V/O
This
is Late and Live at the Gilded Balloon. This is where the comedians
sit in the audience and watch the stars of Edinburgh perform.
It’s big news to be booked at Late and Live - only those who
get rave reviews in The Scotsman or make it onto the Perrier
long-list are awarded this accolade. Opening the bill tonight is Ian
Shuttleworth. This may be the first time that a critic has been
booked to appear in front of a room full of comedians rather than
vice versa. It’ll be a new experience for everyone.
Shuttleworth is backstage in silent prayer.
SHUTTLEWORTH
That was between me and The Almighty, but I don’t
think I’m giving away any secrets if I...if I tell you that I
said ‘Please, God, don’t let me fuck up’.
A grubby, dusty stage. The audience are hot and boozy.
COMPERE
Are you ready for our next act, can we bring him
straight on, ladies and gentleman? (Audience members agree that
this is a good idea) He’s a freelance critic - ladies and
gentlemen, put your hands together and go mental for the one and
only IAN SHUTTLEWORTH!!!
Ian Shuttleworth enters to loud, false-sense-of- security applause. He has made some concessions to the crowd - he now wears a leather jacket and swigs from a bottle of lager. He has also made subtle changes to his act:
SHUTTLEWORTH (Peering out into crowd)
What the
fuck am I doing up here?
‘I dunno’ shouts one heckler.
SHUTTLEWORTH
I’m a cretin, for fuck’s sake!
‘Yes you are’ shouts someone, stepping on the punchline.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Sorry, I’m a critic, for
fuck’s sake!
‘Fuck off’ they shout.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Jesus, I should...I should be down there
sneering at y...(Starts talking like a sarcastic school
teacher)...yes, yes, I can try reviewing you lot,
yes...‘Large, interesting, varied cast, slight lack of
original material...’
‘Fucking leave!’ is the next piece of advice.
SHUTTLEWORTH
I
don’t know...
‘Sssshhhh!’ implores a kind audience member. In contrast, Dylan Moran can be heard to shout ‘Die!’
SHUTTLEWORTH
It’s alright, I’m from Belfast - I know what
legitimate target means...
A smattering of laughter. ‘Give him a chance everybody’ someone suggests.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Well, look, y’know,
I’ve...(tries to adjust microphone to his
height)...let’s just, let’s just raise things to my
level...(finds he cannot do this )...or completely fail to do
so. (Takes microphone off its holder and paces about the stage)
Right...
‘Just leave!’ is the next heckle. Shuttleworth mishears completely, and ventures forth with an ad lib:
SHUTTLEWORTH
‘Lean’? With a figure like
this? One of the last words you can apply to me! (Back to the
script) Just gets so fucking confusing coming up here, and you
read all the buzzwords and the programme blurbs and the bumf and the
handbills, and you know what they mean as well as I do,
y’know. ‘Vibrant’? ‘Well, we think
we’re shit-hot...’
Next heckle: ‘Do you think we give a damn?’
SHUTTLEWORTH
‘Original’? Well, that’s...y’know,
that’s as in Werther’s Original,
y’know...it’s hard, it’s a sticky, there’s
no point suckin’ it...
A little laughter. Cut to Alan Davies in the audience, shaking his head and looking like he cannot believe how bad Shuttleworth is. He notices the camera, smiles, and makes a thumbs-down gesture.
SHUTTLEWORTH
OK...Emma’s parents, Emma’s parents were up
for the week so she’s incredibly self conscious, and
she’s...
‘Get off!’ they shout.
SHUTTLEWORTH
...editing out the dirty bits as she goes along. And
the...well you get the picture. Cos, yeah...’cos we’ve
got our own buzzwords as well...
Dylan Moran shouts ‘This is not an article!’
SHUTTLEWORTH
...y’know, the stuff you
don’t know what we mean when we write, like
‘Disappointing’. Disappointing means ‘It’s a
crock of shit, but I spent last night on the piss with the
company...’ (The booing has now increased to such an extent
that Shuttleworth decides to makes his exit) OK, you’ve really been incredibly civil, I’m
off to feed my papier mâché tortoise...
He exeunts to more heckles, including a cry of ‘Watch yer arse!’. Shuttleworth is still miked up and we can hear him say ‘Well that was a fucking mess...’
The compere returns:
COMPERE
That was
Ian Shuttleworth, ladies and gentlemen! So is that two stars, one
star, one star?
Audience all shout ‘One star!’
COMPERE
No stars! (Laughter)
Backstage. Shuttleworth is once again pacing up and down with a cigarette. He is talking with a member of venue staff.
SHUTTLEWORTH
That was the most hellish experience of my
life...and...
STAFF MEMBER
What was? Out there?
SHUTTLEWORTH
Those 45 seconds, yeah. And I’m frankly...I’m
just not up to it...again...y’know...
STAFF MEMBER
Who
knows? It’s your choice completely.
SHUTTLEWORTH
Cheers. Sorry about that, but...
STAFF MEMBER (Clearly not giving a fuck either
way)
No, don’t worry.
Shots of Shuttleworth walking home in the rain.
RONSON V/O
I
later discover that the two who led the booing were the comedians
Dylan Moran and Sean Hughes. Maybe Ian represents to them all
critics and this was a form of revenge on behalf of all comedians.
Cut to Sean Hughes being interviewed:
SEAN HUGHES
I
wasn’t aware of who he was or whether he was a critic until I
heard Dylan Moran shouting...and Dylan was right at the back, and
then I thought it was quite good fun, and I said to Dylan ‘If
you’re gonna do it, do it at the front’, and he actually
went up the front. And I might have joined in then, but I
don’t remember saying anything, but, erm...I think I was just
enjoying the whole...as a spectator that night,
y’know...’cos there was enough people shouting. If
he...if he had any intelligence about him, he knew that Late and
Live is where comics hang out - like ‘Hi, I’m a critic,
I’m hanging out with my peers, y’know? I go out with the
other comics and see how they like my stuff...’ Yeah, it was
cruel but it was a mannered cruelty, and it had its purpose.
RONSON
Ian’s back to being a critic now.
HUGHES
And
he’s probably laying into people big time because of
that...
Cut to Shuttleworth at home, tapping away at a laptop. He reads out what he has just written:
SHUTTLEWORTH
‘It can be grimly reassuring to attend a show and
find that one’s prejudices about the performer are entirely
born out. The self-aggrandising, sophomore doggerel paraded in vice
and verse, the poetry of Murray Lachlan Young is a case in
point.’ End. I don’t think he deserves more of the
oxygen of publicity than that.
He turns to the camera, then back to the laptop.
The following captions are displayed over the closing music:
‘Ian Shuttleworth didn’t get shortlisted for the Perrier Award. He continues to write reviews for the Financial Times’
‘Ian plans to return to the Edinburgh Festival with a new comedy routine’
Run credits:
Written and produced by JON RONSON
Assistant producer KATIE
BUCHANAN
Production manager ADELE VENN
Film Editor HORACIO
QUEIRO
Series producer SIMON EVERSON
Executive producer DAVID
FRANK
Directed and filmed by RUSSELL ENGLAND
An RDF Television production for Channel 4
[NOTE:
Ian Shuttleworth did return to the Fringe the following year (with Richard Hurst) in a show called 'Critical Mass II - Return Of The Hack'. The posters and ads for the show proclaimed 'Hilarious -The Scotsman' and quoted a full five stars.]