Playgirl Club
Complete Transcript

(TITLE SEQUENCE)

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS1) - int. The Goodies office.

TIM
(walking out of bedroom) Good morning, good morning, good morning.

BILL
(off-screen) Morning.

GRAEME
(off-screen) Morning.

TIM
(looks at men, looks at GRAEME) Who are they?

GRAEME
G.P.O. Putting in the ‘phone.

TIM
(as they leave) Oh well, about time too.

BILL
Oh come on, we’re very lucky. (pointing) They sent their emergency team.

TIM
(sincerely turns to men) Thank you very much.

MAN 1
Cor blimey, it’s working!

MAN 2
Well I never. (they leave)

TIM
(answers phone - sped up voice on the other end) Hello? Yes, this is the Goodies. Or rather, these are the... yes, yes, certainly. Ooh, thank you. Thank you... ooh, thank you! (laughs) Thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. (slams phone down, alert now) That was the personal private secretary for the minister of state for trade and domestic affairs. The minister’s coming over right away.

GRAEME
(sat by computer) The minister!

TIM
Yeah, now we need a break, so its important that we get this job. And we’ve got to impress him. Now the first thing we need is a dolly secretary - cabinet ministers always go for that sort of thing.

BILL
We haven’t got a dolly secretary.

GRAEME
(realisation) Oh yes we have. (leaps up and disappears into other room) How about...

TIM
Great. Blow her up.

GRAEME
Right, now. Let’s get the office organised. Plan four I should think. Right! (swings round, bumps into TIM and falls onto ground).

BILL
(parading doll) Right, here she is. (plants it in second chair, revealing knickers)

TIM
Well this lot should certainly impress him. (looking at doll) Especially you. I’ll bet he’s a randy old devil. (BILL pulls her skirt down. FX: church bells) There’s the doorbell. (bolts over to door, addressing BILL and GRAEME as he opens it) Gentlemen! The right honourable minister of state for trade and domestic affairs.

MINISTER (MOLLIE SUGDEN)
(bursting through door, immediately finding a chair) Well, honestly, the trouble I’ve had getting here! The traffic is impossible - it’s simply impossible! As I said to the minister of transport only the other day, something, I said, something has got to be done. Well, I mean, its just not fair, is it? And these days, with everything going up. Of course, its the last government that I blame, ho-ho yes. But it’s Mrs Wilkie from next door but one that I feel sorry for. She’s an absolute martyr to her rheumatics and she can’t get about, can she? Well, I mean, it just isn’t fair and of course everything’s been so much worse since her budgie passed on. I mean without - she’s got no company, has she, without her little Tommy Tucker, I mean, has she?

TIM
Ah, er... (deeply confused) Minister?

MINISTER
(glum) Yes?

TIM
Oh, ah, minister - I gather you have a problem.

MINISTER
Well, yes, I do. But it’s a rather personal and private problem. I’d prefer to discuss it with a woman, if it’s all the same to you.

TIM
A woman. Well unfortunately we don’t actually...

GRAEME
(bustling TIM) Ah! Actually, fortunately we do actually have a lady consultant to deal with these matters. My colleagues and I will retire to the other office and we’ll get our lady on the ‘phone for you.

MINISTER
Thanks ever so.

TIM
(whispering) We don’t have another office!

GRAEME
(to MINISTER) Shan’t keep you a moment. (pushes them into store cupboard) Get in there!

TIM
This is the cupboard!

GRAEME
Look, you said this job’s important, right?

TIM
Right, but we haven’t got a woman.

GRAEME
You nip down to the ‘phone box outside, call the office and pretend to be the lady conultant.

TIM
What?!

BILL
Yeah! You can do the voice. (puts arm around TIM) You did it at Christmas.

TIM
That was different - that was Christmas.

GRAEME
(tuts) If you want the job, get going.

TIM
(fidgety) Ah, ah - minister, er... we’ll be getting our woman on the line to you as soon as we can, if you’ll just excuse me a moment. (darts out of door as GRAEME prepares table for ‘phone)

SHOT A: TIM leaps down a cubic, winding staircase. (FX: whatever that sounds like)

SHOT B: More stairs. (ditto)

SHOT C: Then across street to ‘phone box. (ditto)

[NB: The following passage runs between ‘phone kiosk shots and MINISTER in the office. After the first cut away, TIM is clearly in a studio mock-up of the ‘phone box. Which makes cataloguing scene numbers a bit tricky. Therefore, his running off is FS1, Mollie’s subsequent bits are SS2 (because a recording break is obvious) and TIM’s bits are SS2 as well because the audience laughter dictates the delivery and the action all seems pretty ‘live’ to us. For clarity, the switches between the two sets are marked with [2a] for TIM, [2b] for MINISTER. ]

MINISTER
(answering ‘phone)[2b] Hello.

TIM
[2a] (voice - Lady Constance) Oh, hello! This is the female consultant here. I gather you have a problem? [2b]

MINISTER
I most certainly do my dear, but then, don’t we all?

TIM
[2a] (withering) We certainly do, yes.

MINISTER
And, I mean, as if I didn’t have enough on my plate, what with the balance of payments crisis, the falling gold standard and the price of cat food. I can hardly afford to feed my poor little Tiddle. [2a - weary TIM] I mean he’s very fond of a bit of leftover chicken, [2b] but he doesn’t get the vitamins, does he? And I swear it was lack of vitamins that saw off Mrs Wilkies’ little Tommy Tucker. Oh, she was so distressed, poor soul. I felt quite upset myself at the time. And then we have to come to some arrangement over trades union legislation, I mean, don’t we?

TIM
[2a] (regaining attention) Yes, oh yes, we do. (policeman strolls by - TIM glares) Erm, what was your particular problem?

MINISTER
Ah, yes. [2b] It is rather personal. Have you ever heard of the Playgirl Club?

TIM
[2a] The Playgirl Club? Oh, that’s the exclusive, sexy club for ladies. [2b]

MINISTER
Well, I don’t mind telling you, it’s a dreadful place. I wouldn’t be seen dead in it. Anyway, I was in there the other night... [2a] (exasperated TIM) I just popped in for a quick noggin, but you know me - after two or three bottles I’m anybodies! (laughs) Ooh, pardon me, [2a] no [2b] I was very tired and there was this absolutely heavenly waiter, and one thing led to another... ooh, it was all perfectly innocent, but somebody took these photographs. Don’t ask me how he got in [t]here - I mean, we locked the door. But get in he did, and took these pictures. Well, I need hardly tell you of the scandal there’d be if these photographs ever got out. So I want you to help.

TIM
[2a] (still with pacing bobby) You want us to get the photographs back from the Playgirl Club. (huge, fey grin)

MINISTER
(off-screen) Yes. Now what I suggest is this. You get a lady [2b] to join the club as a sort of... undrecover secretary. (bites lip)

TIM
[2a] (voice now esculating) And she can retrieve the photos for you - what a good idea! After all, we girls must stick together. Don’t you worry my dear, leave everything to us, bye-bye! (hangs up, minces out when policeman opens kiosk door) Thank you officer! (startled policeman looks on as TIM legs it)

MINISTER
(talking to dolly secretary, knitting) Well, I must say, I hope they can get those photographs back for me. I mean, when a girl has a responsible position, she’s got to watch her p’s and q’s. (doll whistles and starts to deflate) I mean, look at the two of us - you have your secretarial duties, I have my ministerial responsibilities. And you know the pressures we have. I mean, one breath of scandal... (stops in full stride, staring at doll) Are you all right, my dear? You don’t look at all well. (whistling stops) You know, I don’t think you’re gettin your vitamins. You want to watch it. It was lack of vitamins that saw off Mrs Wilkies’ little Tommy Tucker. There he was one minute - sitting on his perch, singing away, happy as Larry. Next minute - beak upwards, stiff as a poker. As my late husband said, just before he passed this veil of tears, he said... (TIM enters) Ah, there you are! Well, I’ve had a word with your lady friend and she’s going to sort it all out for me. Ooh, good heavens, look at the time! I must fly. (leaving for door) Well, thank you for everything. Bye-bye for now. (turning back) Oh and by the way - your secretary’s gone down.

GRAEME
Don’t tell us, we heard it all.

TIM
Right, so now we’ve got a woman to join the Playgirl Club.

BILL
Well, hang on, I’ve got a better idea.

TIM
What?

BILL
You can do the voice.

TIM
Yeah, I can do the voice, but I can’t... (stares at others) I mean, I-I-couldn’t... I mean, I couldn’t dress... I-I mean, I wouldn’t, you’re not...

BILL
(putting arm around TIM) We are. We’re going to put you in the club! (GRAEME hold dress and hat up for size) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

FILM SEQUENCE (FS2) - ext. office

MUSIC: ‘Needed’ (Oddie/Gibbs)

SHOT A: The Goodies leave office building with TIM dressed up to the nines. He attempts to scurry back inside, but the others drag him over to the trandem which is concealed behind a car. GRAEME and BILL hop on, but TIM can’t fit and hurls his handbag away in protest. Whilst BILL retrieves the bag, GRAEME prods at TIM’s padded, ballooning bottom to find a solution. BILL joins in.

SHOT B: After much prodding, TIM’s rear starts to deflate. Close up.

SHOT C: In a return to shot A, TIM signals ‘OK’ and hops on board. GRAEME restrains him and insists that they swap around. GRAEME takes the front seat, with BILL holding up the rear. And TIM’s. Boom-fucking-boom.

SHOT D: Disembarked, they approach the entrance to the Playgirl Club. Seven women are queing and the trio join the line.

SHOT E: Inset. TIM taps GRAEME on the shoulder and points him to ‘WOMEN ONLY’ sign. Wide eyed, he tells them to back off.

SHOT F: BILL and GRAEME wait by stair railing.

SHOT G: TIM follows the queue as they enter, trying hard to resist touching the girls.

SHOT H: GRAEME and BILL pensively wave him good bye.

SHOT I: TIM pauses at door, looks at them, then enters.

(mix into)

FILM SEQUENCE (FS3) - poolside, Playgirl Club

MUSIC: ‘Nothing Like A Woman’ (Oddie/Gibbs)

SHOT A: A lengthy pan begins with a girl on a foregrounded sunbed, soon following the path of two swimmers and a girl who is walking along the edge of the pool. There are ten girls in shot and two waiters, who double up throughout FS3 as different characters (can anyone confirm this?) In any case, the girl is walking towards her friend at the right end of the pool who is sat in a basket chair and placing an order with a topless male waiter. The same waiter spots TIM creeping out from a panel wall and punctually approaches him. TIM whispers an order, the waiter nods and disappears behind same wall. At this point the first line of the song ‘Nothing Like A Woman’ bursts out.

SHOT B: TIM walks in opposite direction to girl in shot A, resting at a set of tables and chairs at the other end of the pool. En route, he waves to everyone, one of whom is passing and bursts into laughter. It’s very hard to tell if the resulting lunge at her is catty or hormonal. Either way he resists the temptation and waits for his drink. He fishes for money in his stocking when the quarter gill arrives.

SHOT C: A quick cut away to the girls in basket chairs.

SHOT D: He toasts them, having drank remarkably quickly.

SHOT E: They toast him in return.

SHOT F: TIM places his drink on table and creeps over to a nearby door., marked ‘STEAM ROOM/SAUNA’. The camera closes in as TIM opens door, glances for cover and is then hoisted inside. TIM shrieks, audibly.

SHOT G: The servant has innocently hurried TIM in to the dressing room and begins to remove his clothes. TIM beats him off with his hand bag, nicks the towel and follows two confused girls into the ‘STEAM ROOM’.

SHOT H: A gorgeous slow pan across sauna, where TIM sits upright amongst six reclining women. Steam is bursting from within his clothes.

SHOT I: Inset of pouting TIM engulfed in steam - arguably the funniest thing ever.

SHOT J: Return to final position of shot H.

SHOT K: Close up of ‘STEAM ROOM’ door as an anxious TIM emerges, hugging the door frame and hyperventilating.

SHOT L: A jump within field of vision to reveal a servant who offers TIM another towel. He opens ‘SHOWERS’ door.

SHOT M: TIM didn’t notice the plural, hence an open shower which already contains three women. He walks towards the final cubicle, hops in, covers eyes with gloved hands, looks at girls (up and down), mimes ‘Drat!’ a few times and begins to fiddle with shower controls.

SHOT N: Camera pans from shower handle to ‘COLD’ sign.

SHOT O: Mildly erotic shot of a fully clothed TIM pouting his way through a cold shower.

(mix into)

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS3) - int. office

(BILL reads ‘The Beano’ and GRAEME sits at a loose end.)

GRAEME
He’s been gone a long time, hasn’t he?

BILL
Three weeks. (frowns)

GRAEME
What do you think he’s doing?

BILL
Come on, what would you be doing if you were in a place like that, eh? (prods GRAEME suggestively)

GRAEME
Oh, he can’t do that. Not when he’s dragged up like Queen Victoria.

BILL
Well, perhaps he’s told them he’s really a fella?

GRAEME
Well, they’ll think he’s a funny looking fella, dressed in a crinoline.

BILL
Look, wire me up to the screen and I’ll see if I can get him on the old sherbet line, eh?

GRAEME
(wiring helmet up to computer) Do you think you can?

BILL
(sternly holds sherbet) I shall suck it and see.

GRAEME
(placing helmet on BILL) Right, have a good trip.

BILL
(prepares himself) I will, right. Here we go. (begins sucking as GRAEME sits by Rent-a-view) Ah, oh, oh - beautiful visions! Ah, mmm... ooh, that’s pretty.

GRAEME
Wait, I think I can see somebody.

GRAEME
It’s ‘Top Of The Pops’! Girls, girls... come on, girls!

BILL
Yesyesyesyesyes, beautiful girls.

GRAEME
(VT insert of Playgirl Club bedroom appears - three girls are lounging) That’s better.

BILL
(squealing with joy) HOW ABOUT THAT! Ho ho! Mmm... oh, oh, ho... don’t fancy that one.

GRAEME
(double takes. TIM has appeared on bed. A ‘CENSORED’ caption subsequently blots out sound and vision) It’s him! (runs over to BILL) It’s him. He’s still in there! (removes helmet) That’s enough of that.

BILL
No, no, I’ll miss a good bit.

GRAEME
No, we’ve got to get in there.

BILL
Now you’re talking.

GRAEME
No, no - his mind is not on his job. How can we get in?

BILL
Ladies only, chucky. (folding arms)

GRAEME
No, they must have men working there. (clutching receiver) I saw a couple of blokes go in. (dials)

BILL
(mysteriously) Ah, but they never came out - hehehe! Who are you calling?

GRAEME
The minister. (responding) Ah, hello. Minister? The Goodies here. Look... yeah, fine thanks. Look, we were wondering - are there any men working at the Playgirl Club? (pause) Yep. As what? Wolves?!

BILL
Wolves!

GRAEME
(covers receiver, to BILL) Male bunnies.

BILL
Oh blimey! (grimace/corpse)

GRAEME
Well, look, the nub of it is - have you got any idea how we could get a job there? (pause) Yeah... mmm... red knickers... with green spots. Yes, right. Thanks very much, bye.

BILL
I am not wearing knickers!

GRAEME
Look, they have these wolves - that’s bunnies - only men, right? Now these wolves have a wolf mother called Miss Heffer.

BILL
(wide eyed) Heffer. Bit of an old cow, eh?! (laughs)

GRAEME
(deadpans) Anyway, apparently she goes scouting for likely young men down the Kings Road every lunchtime. Now we’ve got to make contact with her.

BILL
How will we recognise her?

GRAEME
(exasperated) She’ll be wearing red knickers...

BILL
 ...with green spots on. How are we going to see that?! We can’t go around looking at all the girls... (fidgets wildly, leans back) I’ll be embarassed.

GRAEME
(loosening tie) You’ll be embarassed? Come on, let’s get down to it.

BILL
(feigns shock) Graeme!

FILM SEQUENCE (FS4) - ext. Kings Road

MUSIC: unidentified Oddie/Gibbs instrumental.

SHOT A: BILL and GRAEME fidget by a wall, waiting for passers by. A blonde woman approaches, looks in both directions and crosses the road. The pair contort to peer up her skirt. GRAEME dashes after her to take a closer inspection.

SHOT B: The girl passes a yard gate and stops to look around. GRAEME hovers around her to no avail, nips off screen and returns to crouch behind her just as she walks off. Another girl passes in the opposite direction and GRAEME swings around to take a hurried dive under her skirt.

SHOT C: She’s walking too fast and now BILL has to do the same job on another stretch of the road. GRAEME pathetically trails behind.

SHOT D: Inset, filmed from ground. GRAEME and BILL exchange words and hatch a new plan. Why not drop a coin and peek when someone picks it up? GRAEME drops the coin.

SHOT E: Close up of coin landing.

SHOT F: Returning to shot D, a girl passes dressed in white. She picks the coin up and BILL takes a shufty. A man passes by.

SHOT G: Inset of GRAEME dropping another coin.

SHOT H: Return to shot D. Another girl passes and takes the coin. BILL crouches, then hugs a wall in despair over what he’s just seen. GRAEME consoles him with a pat on the back.

SHOT I: Back to the yard gate seen in shot B. Four consecutive shots show the pair pursuing women either seperately or together. On each occasion they are perilously close to disappearing up skirts.

SHOT J: Tracking shot of BILL trailing another girl in the same way. She collides with another which is being followed by GRAEME. BILL’s gal politely sidesteps and...

SHOT K: ...GRAEME is revealed to have been tracking the shorts of a German man in national costume. BILL starts to stare in fascination, then they both back off.

SHOT L: GRAEME creeps off to a coal bunker in which he hides, so as to get a better view. He leaps up whenever a girl passes, but after only one of these the coal man arrives and showers him with a bag full.

SHOT M: Inset of GRAEME as he spits out coal dust.

SHOT N: Close up of BILL’s foot as he elasticates a wing mirror to his shoe.

SHOT O: Tracking shot of a woman’s legs (in tights) which pace along street until they stop by BILL. He slides the mirror across.

SHOT P: At eye level we see a rumbled female traffic warden trying to sniff out the problem. She turns to see BILL fluttering his eyelashes and smiling nervously.

SHOT Q: GRAEME has joined them and she starts to angrily gesticulate at them. Next, she repeatedly lifts her skirt to reveal the elusive knickers and BILL vies for a handful. She slaps him sharply around the head and he falls to the ground. But this is Miss Heffer, so she escorts them away.

CAPTION: ‘END OF PART ONE’

TIM (V/O)
(shot of ambulance) If you need medical attention after the show (patients in beds) enjoy first-class treatment in an authentic clinical atmosphere. (doctors and nurses) Our ready staff will be on hand to make your visit a memorable one. (shot of ward) Enjoy your illness in pleasant surroundings (first aid sign bolts forward) at this hospital.

GRAEME (V/O)
(struggling with hard butter) Butter won’t spread? (new shot) No more spreading worries with new Goodies Sliced Butter (stamps loaf against table, producing large saw) and Goodies extra hard bread. (he slices)

GRAEME (V/O)
This week’s special Goodies offer. Just send four Goodies Sliced Butter wrappers (shot of wrapper) and we send you a free set of false teeth.

CAPTION: ‘PART TWO’

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS4) - int. Playgirl Club bar

MISS HEFFER (LIZ FRASER)
(purring every word) Yes, I am the owner of the club. (removes uniform to reveal skimpy outfit) Sorry about the disguise but not everyone approves of me.

GRAEME
Oh, I do.

HEFFER
(producing pipe) I am Miss Heffer.

BILL
Aw! Very pleased to meet you, how do you do.

HEFFER
Uuuh, so you wanta job here.

BILL & GRAEME
Yes please Miss!

HEFFER
Well, my...my partner deals with all the staff appointments - you better talk it over with her (purrs)

BILL
Hello mate! (GRAEME shushes BILL as he restrains him.)

TIM
(stands up, still with the voice) I say Hermione, what have you brought me this time?

HEFFER
Two men.

TIM
Men. Call those men? They look more like a bad impression of Laurel and Hardy.

HEFFER
Well, they’re not bad.

TIM
No, they’re not bad - they’re pathetic.

HEFFER
Well we do need a couple of wolves.

TIM
Yes but our wolves are supposed to be strong, virile and hairy.

BILL
(through gritted teeth) Like you!

HEFFER
Well it’s up to you, Mitsy.

GRAEME
MITSY!?

TIM
You called?

BILL
Give us a job y’great berk!

TIM
Let’s have a look at the two of you, uh - (to GRAEME) just like a sparrow, he’s so scrawny! (feels legs, then to BILL) And he is so tiny, yet perfect in every detail I would imagine (smiles to HEFFER, attempts to stroke BILL’s chin)

BILL
GET OFF!

TIM
You’re beautiful when you’re angry. Give us a kiss!

BILL
Give us a job!

TIM
(high and mighty) If you play your cards right with me you’ll have a job.

BILL
(under breath) You’re telling me.

TIM
Well, shall we give them a job? (HEFFER agrees)

GRAEME
We’re very grateful, madame.

BILL
Yeah we don’t know how we’re ever going to thank you.

TIM
Don’t worry, I’ll think of something. (laughs to HEFFER) Oh, naughty me!

BILL
(to GRAEME) He’s gone funny!

TIM
(glares) Pipe down Jimmy Clitheroe! You’ll find your wolves costumes back there. You’re on duty at seven o’clock! (massive wink)

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS5) - int.Playroom

MUSIC: unknown Oddie/Gibbs tune.

(A single pan of the Playroom shows 12 girls sat at tables enjoying the entertainment. This is intercut with two still shots of wall signs - ‘10p A Dance’ and ‘Freedom for Gals’. Next we see the entertainment - two men dancing in a cage with decorative pants, both smiling vacantly and dancing at a faster pace to the music. After these establishing shots GRAEME and BILL waltz in wearing the Wolves unforms. The girls shriek with excitement, but the pair of them are uniformly embarassed. They wear open shirts, with chest wigs in the shape of a heart. This and the wolvish head gear are nothing compared to the chastity belt slung over their shorts, with a large keyhole at the crotch.)

BILL
(to girls) Oh shut up!

GRAEME
They’re funny chest wigs. Where’s Tim?

BILL
I don’t know. I’ll kill him!

GRAEME
Do you think he’s got those photographs?

BILL
I dunno. I’ll bloody murder him!

GIRL 1
(Canadian accent?) Hey cutie pants!

BILL
(freezes, seething) That’s you (prods GRAEME) sugar drawers.

GRAEME
(attentive to girl) Yes miss.

GIRL 1
Sugar drawers (pulls him by shorts so that he falls into her lap) My treat!

GRAEME
(civilised, gets up) No madam, we’re not allowed to - not that! (walks over to BILL, prodded on way.)

BILL
(fondled by blonde girl sat at bar) Ooh! I’ll smash your face in!

GRAEME
(ushering him away) Where’s Tim?

BILL
(points) Over there.

TIM
(stumbles across bar, catching girl and lunging at her for akiss. He holds himself back, pounding fists) Excuse me, I must not, I must not...I am a woman, I am a woman!

BILL
(bolts over and takes his hand) Excuse me Mitsy, may I have this... (bounces into him) Have you got the photo?

TIM
Oh yes, everything (sees HEFFER, reverts to ‘Constance’) ‘s absolutely wonderful!

HEFFER
(grabs him by hand) Come! (Girl 1 looks disgruntled.)

BILL
(to TIM) Why have you been so long?!

TIM
I was enjoying myself, wasn’t I.

BILL
I bet you were. (trumpet music) Oh what now?!

TIM
Cabaret.

COMPERE
Good evening ladies - (looks around) good evening to you madam, you over there with the big bosoms. Oh no its not - its two bald-headed men sitting together - boom boom! (boos and feint laughter) Now, hold on a minute - I must tell you about my father in law. Now, my father in law is one of the nicest guys... (massive heckles, "Get on with it!") All right, I give in - now’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! (screams) The guy who’ll drop ‘em faster than any of your chest men can. Our exotic dancer Monsieur Robbie! (scuttles off to applause)

BILL
Right, now, have you got the photos?!

TIM
Yeah - I took a few more as well (dirty smile)

BILL
I’ll bet. Where are they? (TIM points at chest, BILL tugs dress to have a look) Ain’t you got a light in there?

TIM
(protesting) Get out of it!

BILL
All right, all right, that looks like them. Let’s get Graeme and get out of here. (looks around) Where’s Graeme?

TIM
Yeah, where’s Graeme?

BILL
(clutching forehead) Oh no, he went off with old red knickers.

TIM
Oh well we won’t see him again then. (cut to stripper as TIM commentates) Look at that! Degrading isn’t it. Disgusting. To think that a fella has to make his living... (cut back)

BILL: Yeah, well never mind, never mind. C’mon, let’s get Graeme.

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS6) - int. Miss Heffer’s private room

HEFFER
(shuts door behind her, pacing over to GRAEME) There we are. Now we can have a nice quiet chat, hmm? (grabs him by hand, pulls him onto chair) Let’s make ourselves comfy shall we? (edges up to nervous GRAEME) How aboutta glass of champagne while we...chat.

GRAEME
(polite, rubbing nose) No thanks, (sniffs) it makes my nose tickle.

HEFFER
Oh go on, it’ll help you relax!

GRAEME
(takes glass) All right.

HEFFER
Well, here’s to... it.(toasts)

GRAEME
Here’s to... cheers (drinks, rubs nose furiously) Ooh, sorry - I’m not very used to it!

HEFFER
(laughs, pours bottle) Never mind, have some more champagne.

GRAEME
No, I meant I wasn’t used to the champag -

HEFFER
Oh! (pulling him back) Sit back and relax. (strokes his ‘ears’) You mustn’t be nervous - just sit back and relax. You’re not nervous are you?

GRAEME
WHO? ME! No, I’m not nervous (she fondles him, he leaps up in fright. Stands up, laughing it off.) Hehehe, what a lovely place you’ve got here, hehe...lovely (divine music begins, he glares at male statuette. Drapes behind sofa rise up.) That... that’s incredible! How do you do that? Waita minute. It’s low capacitant motors with a high gain out through the stereo. (she bolts over and clutches his chest from behind.)

HEFFER
Ooh! Has anyone ever told you you have the most beautiful eyes?

GRAEME
(he pecks him as he drags away) No they haven’t actually. I must go now please, I’ve got to get to work.

HEFFER
(approaching him again) Good idea. Let’s both get to work. (reaches table) How about another drink?

GRAEME
(legging it towards door) No, I’ve had enough.

HEFFER
Oh come on!

GRAEME
No, thanks for everything. I’ve got to go, really, promise, I can’t stay... (trips and grabs hold of first thing - a coiled whip) I must go,

HEFFER
(purrs) Oh!

GRAEME
(glances at hand, screams and drops whip) I want to go now, please.

HEFFER
(she runs to door and grabs a key, vying for his crotch) Oh sweetheart - can’t you see I want you?

GRAEME
(looks at his crotch) Oh my God! (backing off to backdrop of statues and fig leaves) No, this is all wrong. I’m quite all right. I’m going now! (she holds and flings him onto bed. Their legs fly about.)

TIM
(entering with BILL) Hermione!

HEFFER
(bolts over with GRAEME in tow) What are you doing here?

TIM
What are you doing here?

HEFFER
(swaggers) Oh, just having a bit of fun.

TIM
A bit of fun! (grabs GRAEME) You’re speaking of the man I love.

GRAEME
(under breath) Shut up, you fool!

HEFFER
I don’t get it.

TIM
And you won’t. (to GRAEME) Come with me, kookie pants.

HEFFER
(seizes GRAEME back) See, he doesn’t want you. You’re fat and old and ugly.

TIM
Fat and old I may be, but ugly... (spitting) UGLY! ‘Course I’m ugly, that’s what he likes about me, isn’t it? (tugs GRAEME back)

HEFFER
(grabs GRAEME again) He is not leaving this room!

TIM
You cat! He comes away with me immediately. Pookums, heel!

HEFFER
(to TIM) Just what’s up with you? I’ve had my suspicions about you.

GRAEME
(beating off TIM) So have I!

HEFFER
Yes, you’re after something.

TIM
Aren’t we all?!

HEFFER
Hmm. Who are you?

TIM
I’m a perfectly ordinary... girl.

HEFFER
No you’re not. Who are you?

TIM
(normal voice) Oh all right, what’s the use - I admit it. (paces across room) I’m a man.

HEFFER
A man?

TIM
Yes, I’m a man.

HEFFER
(esculating) You’re a man!

BILL
(confused) I’m a man too! (walks off)

 FILM SEQUENCE (FS5): - Playgirl Club, various locations.

MUSIC: Oddie/Gibbs instrumental

SHOT A: Shower room. The trio dart through at high speed, but GRAEME and BILL return to ogle the three new girls washing. Their erect tails are in centre shot. TIM comes back to fetch them.

SHOT B: Shower/Sauna passage way. TIM and GRAEME hesitate then go into Sauna Room.

SHOT C: Tiny clip of Heffer running through shower room.

SHOT D: Bill enters Sauna Room through door.

SHOT E: Showering girl joins Heffer in the chase.

SHOT F: TIM and GRAEME collide in the sauna. BILL catches up.

SHOT G: Heffer and girl run through sauna doorway...

SHOT H: ...and past the five girls lounging there.

SHOT I: Poolside. The trio run along and are ambushed by those in basket chairs who crowd around them. Heffer, three girls and a servant block them off at the other end. The trio jump into the pool, BILL grabbing a life ring in the process.

STUDIO SEQUENCE (SS7): int. Goodies office.

GRAEME
I think we were lucky to escape intact. At least I was.

TIM
Yeah, well what about me? Honestly, I don’t know what the girls thought of me when they found out. And we were all such chums.

GRAEME
Still, we all made it.

TIM
Yeah, but I didn’t and we were all such chums.

GRAEME
Anyway, we owe a lot to Bill for holding them off whilst the two of us got away.

TIM
A noble sacrifice.

BILL
(pause) It was... beautiful! Ha-ha! Oh, but very tiring.

MINISTER
(appearing unexpectedly through door) Well honestly, I’m not one to complain as you very well know but the traffic gets worse and worse and worse. As I was saying to Miss Wilkie, oh poor soul - she’s so distressed about her little Tommy Tucker - but I can’t go on chatting all day, can I?! Did you get the photographs?

TIM
Yes minister, we did manage to retrieve the pictures for you. (flashes them at her) A very good likeness it is too.

MINISTER
Ooh, saucebox! Oh dear, but I’m very grateful. (stuffs them in handbag)

TIM
If you don’t mind me saying so minister I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.

GRAEME
Yes, you won’t go to a place like that again, will you?

MINISTER
(walks over, BILL has dozed off) I most certainly will not, but then of course I don’t need to now, do I? Now that I’ve met you lovely boys. "We do anything, anytime"? (grabs BILL’s hair)

BILL
(he leaps with fright) What do you mean?!

MINISTER
(arms open) Come to Prudence! (puts handbag down as they escape through door B - this time revealing plants. They close door as she reaches it. Opening again, some stock footage of fleeing hordes from ‘King Kong’ appears through the door. She enters.)