BEEFEATERS
Episode Details:
Series One, Episode One
PROJECT NO: 11/5/0/2521
SR: Th 08/10/70 (#01)
TX: Sun 01/11/70, 22.10 (#01)
ALTERNATE TITLES: In the interests of archive accuracy we favour ‘Beefeaters’, despite a common consensus of ‘The Tower Of London’. Another title is ‘The Crown Jewels’ as adopted by some foreign TV listings.
ORIGINAL DURATION: 29’54" (archive lists claim 29’52").
BBC F&TVA: D3-PAL.
BFI: 2" CVT + viewing copy.
SCRIPT: Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie with Tim Brooke Taylor.
PLOT: The Goodies arrive at their new office, which has been purpose built by Graeme. After assessing Bill’s marketing policy they get their first call for work. The two remaining Beefeaters at the Tower of London are in dire need of real beef, a snazzier kitchen and some general sense of purpose. Graeme sets up a new security system for the Crown Jewels, on a hunch that someone is starving the Beefeaters in order to steal them.
SEQUENTIAL ORDER: SS1, FS1, SS2, SS3, FS2, SS4, AD1, AD2, SS5 (film insert), FS3, SS6.
CAST: Tim Brooke Taylor [all bar AD1]; Graeme Garden [all bar AD2]; Bill Oddie [all bar AD1, AD2]; George Baker (Prime Commander Superintendent Colonel Yeoman of the Guard [Thrushcote] Barnet [SS2, SS4, SS5]); Max Latimer (royal robber [SS5 only]); Gertan Klauber (Black Rod [SS6 only]); Maria O’Brien (The Fairy Puff Girl [AD2 only]).
UNCREDITED CAST: Gertrude Kay ( old lady [SS1, SS3]);William Shearer, Teddy Young (two dwarf Beefeaters [SS2]);?? (four people on street corner [FS2]);Anthony Mayne, David Goode, Keith Simon, Geoff Brighty, Walter Swash, Roy Reeves (’Prince Charles’, barrow boy, American tourist, two more Beefeaters [all FS3]); Vi Dix (old lady with washing line [FS3]); Roy Pearce, Denis Balcombe (two heralds including 'Maynard'.[SS6]).
CREW: John Tiley (film cameraman); Alan Lygo (film editor); Ron Oates (visual effects); Betty Aldiss(costume); Rhian Davies (make-up); Derek Slee (lighting); Laurence Taylor (sound); Bill Oddie & Michael Gibbs (music); Jim Franklin (film direction); Roger Murray-Leach (design); John Howard Davies (producer).
UNCREDITED CREW: dog trainer [SS2].
STOCK FOOTAGE: None, other than photographic inserts on Rent-a-View and behind office doors.
MUSIC/FOUND SOUNDS: Oddie/Gibbs provide a long version of ‘The Goodies Theme’ [SS1], ‘Needed’ [FS1], the ‘Goodies Tea Set’ jingle [AD1] and ‘Catch Me If You Can’ [FS3]. Other music includes Max Bygraves’s rendition of ‘Any Old Iron’ [SS1], accordion muzak [SS1], regal music for Black Rod’s entrance [SS6] and a ‘horror’ stab from some BBC record or other [SS2, SS5]. Also present is an unidentified sound collage for the security alarm [SS5], swerving effects [FS1], war memorial trumpet music [SS4] and a tiny bit of light jazz [AD2], not forgetting Rolf Harris’s foxy rock anthem ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport’ [SS1].
General Notes:
BILL’S CORPSE COUNT: Rubber News provokes quite a restrained smirk from Bill. This is safely in long-shot, as his knowing grin just before the trio fall off the trandem [FS1, SHOT A]. We love him for it.
CHROMAKEY: Ever-present in the office scenes, given that the viewing screen is rarely out of shot. It has many devices but largely it’s there just to go blue when seen at unsympathetic angles. When Bill has his sherbet vision channelled into the view-screen there is a misjudgement as the inset camera drags back on the Ding bats board, revealing, well... a board.
DWARVES: Two of them and "they’re not half the men they were". As far as we know they never appeared in Ewok costumes. To compensate they do cut a mean figure as Beefeaters even if two bigguns appear later and ruin the whole premise.
GRAEME’S INVENTION: Graeme’s computer gets little to do bar eating a sandwich (see UK Gold #2, note 8) but that’s pretty impressive in itself. What tops everything is the security system Graeme constructs around the Crown Jewels. Demonstrating it to Barnet, his recorded warning blurts out on a loop to Graeme’s constant satisfaction:
Excuse me, if you’re not a burglar you can disregard this message but if you are in fact a burglar it does rather look like you’re trying to steal the Crown Jewels. And that’s not really on, is it? No. And I would like to remind you that stealing the Crown Jewels is a punishable offence and you could find yourself in very serious trouble indeed. So, be a sport. Why don’t you just pack it in and go home, eh? You know it makes sense. That’s all. Sorry you’ve been troubled.
HATE FIGURES: Max Bygraves, later used to antagonise fish in ‘Lips Or Almighty Cod’ (#50), drifts in on Rent-a-view, as does the ubiquitous Rolf Harris (‘Scatty Safari’ (#41) amongst others). There’s also a slight dig at Elizabeth and Richard Burton when Tim remarks on the Royal message in the final scene: "....now that they’re back in the money, what with all their television appearances and selling Balmoral to the Burtons." Briefer is a suggestion that Engelbert Humperdinck has a "big mouth" during the Ding bats segment. Very funny in context given that they were yet to contribute sketches to his variety show, Engelbert and the Young Generation (BBC-1 09/01/72-02/04/72).
ROYALTY: Hard to list given that this episode is based entirely in the Royal firmament and reveals Prince Charles to be treacherous and violent. They would soon make friends.
(INSERT: film insert of Charlie staring up, as the Goodies look at him through Tower window. 22’00"ish.)
TIM’S PANIC ATTACKS: It was always a great opposite for the otherwise fearless Tim to panic whenever his character was endangered, but it’s the shrieking that always makes my day. First up is "There’s an eye!" when he looks through the kitchen door keyhole (SS2 - 6’18"), leaping on Graeme for comfort. Better is the swinging beef slicer in Barnet’s kitchen which he squeals at then dashes between (8’54"). Brilliant. To cap it all off there are his whining sobs when he realises they’ve been hunting down the real Prince Charles. He almost says "Mummy".
TRADEMARKS: The trandem appears in FS1 & FS2 (UK Gold #2, note 6)
Broadcast History:
By nature of it’s length ‘Beefeaters’ often gets the chop when broadcast in syndication. Shame, as it’s such a great introduction to The Goodies . Editing has also caused confusion over Maria O’Brien’s cast credit, her scene frequently disappearing from view (see UKTV, note 2 for transcript). The following is a rounding up of different broadcasts so that, according to which copy you may own, the missing bits can easily be identified.
UK TV (Australia) - 29’54"
Whereas most Australian broadcasts are shown in a teatime slot and thus great fodder for edit-spotters, the only tapes currently available to us are the purportedly uncut versions shown on the UK TV pay-per-view station. This is great, obviously, and a few honorary examples of Aussie cuts passim are as follows:
1. A photograph of a naked woman appears on the Rent-a-view window at the beginning of Bill’s sherbet moment (12’27"). For the uninitiated this is a channelling of Bill’s visions through sherbet intake ("it turns him on") via Graeme’s brain-scanner. What we get on this occasion are images of Jimmy Savile & a ‘Normal Service Will Be Resumed...’ caption when Bill resists the scanner - all of this amidst kaleidoscopic twirls and general interference. The Australian Broadcasting Commission (A.B.C.) dropped the first shot from family viewing, despite leaving in dodgier references to porn mags such as Rubber News (3’30").
2. The magical ‘Fairy Puff’ sketch during the commercial break was dropped entirely, leaving only one advert of Graeme using the Goodies Tea Set (filmed in the same room). Words fail on the good judgement of Tim’s cloying then camp delivery, so I won’t bother. I’ll let you read the script instead:
SCENE : Kitchen, woman sorting clothes at table.
FAIRY PUFF GIRL
(to camera) Oh, wash days. Look at this pile of washing. I don’t know what I’m going to do.(Tim Brooke-Taylor walks in as The Fairy Puff Man, holding a box of ‘Fairy Puff’ washing powder.)
FAIRY PUFF MAN
Hi there, kitten. I’m the Fairy Puff Man. (sings to camera) "Gets right to the dirt of the wash!" (pause) That’s me. Hey kitten, that dress you’re wearing is grey, grey, grey, grey, grey. (smiles)F.P.G.
I know, but what can I do?F.P.M.
Here kitten, take that dress off and put it in this washing machine (holding box) with Fairy Puff. "Gets right to the dirt of the wash!" (takes dress) Uh-oh, kitten - that under slip you’re wearing is grey, grey, grey, grey, grey. Best take it off and we’ll put it in as well. (she does so whilst he stares, then turns to camera) "Gets right to the dirt of the wash!" (tosses under slip into machine) Uh-oh, kitten - those undies you’re wearing are grey, grey, grey, grey, grey. I...F.P.G.
(irritated) I know, I know, take them off and put them in the machine. Right.(new shot dwelling on F.P.M.’s glaring eyes)
F.P.G.
(F.P.M. looking her up and down) Now what are you going to do, hmm?F.P.M.
(eyes dart away, leaping into camp behaviour) I’m going to wash these clothes. (diving into clothes) "Gets right to the dirt of the wash"- (sings to himself, largely incoherent. Then picks up box, meekly saying...) I’m the little Fairy Puff man, puff puff...
3. An odd little edit happens at the end of this sequence (18’26"), possibly related to Tim’s lines which are drowned out by laughter. The loss of his gibbering may not be the end of the world but there seems to be a second line to the "...dirt of the wash" jingle. Until someone digs out the shooting script and checks this, we’ll never know. Significant to all of this is a jarring mix into the next scene which affects the laughter track. The theme music marries the ‘Fairy Puff’ ad with the establishing shot of ‘Part Two’ but there are signs of an attempt to edit within a very tight space, all the time juggling a dominant laughter track, the theme music, a quick pullback in the next shot and a sensible amount of Tim sorting clothes like Danny la Rue. Unless there was a specific desire to lose an inaudible line then this may just be wear and tear on the UK TV master. A steadier version of this shot appears in British broadcasts, with a smoother mix and losing no footage. I’m guessing this is just damage to an ad hoc master.
UK Gold #1 - 29’51":
1. This first Goodies broadcast on UK Gold is bungled with a late mix into the opening titles, losing a second of the "Goodies!" refrain. At this time Bill & Graeme had blocked the station from editing their work but minor cuts still crept in.
2. Bridging the commercial break is a minor edit of that same troublesome patch between ‘Fairy Puff’ [AD2] and ‘Part Two’ [SS5], successfully blotting out some of the linking music but still capturing Bill whistling the tune as the scene begins. Nice touch that.
UK Gold #2 - 22’40":
1. Two edits in the opening sequence alone. After the in-house title-sequence, we jump past the swing-shot on the office losing an extra verse of the theme tune in the process. The action instead begins with Tim and Bill bursting through the door which Graeme holds open (0’58"). There is immediate action thus no harm was done by removing a few seconds, but this lull before their arrival is actually quite considered. It’s a shame that more four-year-olds didn’t witness it. It was, however, incompatible with the substitute credits.
2. During Graeme’s guided tour around the office he reveals the multiple CSO wonders in each room. The snip, totalling 40", results in an abbreviated scene with Bill leaping across the room to deliver (apparently) consecutive lines. This is how it really went:
(The Goodies enter office)
TIM
(gawping) Oh! It’s fantastic! (to GRAEME) You’ve done a wonderful job.BILL
(agreeing) Mmm!GRAEME
Yes, I think I’ve spent your money pretty well.TIM
(looks to portrait on wall) Thank you, Auntie.[4]BILL
Right, let’s have a look around.GRAEME
(restraining him) Allow me. Now, I have designed this place so that we can not only work, but also live here twenty-four-hours a day, seven weeks a month. (opens door A) So, in here we have a year’s supply of food and through here (door B) we have, of course, the kitchen. [5]
(BILL closes door as Graeme paces across office)
GRAEME
Now, this over here is our little computer, designed by my own fair hand, guaranteed to solve any problem. And, while we’re waiting for that to (pop?) up the result we can have a nice lie down. (opens door A, this time a bedroom. Shuts door.) [Of course all washing and shaving facilities are provided.BILL/TIM
(looking around) Where, where?(GRAEME opens door A again onto a bathroom. Closing it, he walks to window.) [3]
GRAEME
Now then, this is our Rent-a-View picture window, at present the only one of its kind in existence. It can transport your living room to any city in any land you desire.(pulls blind. A London city shot appears. ‘Any Old Iron’ plays in..)
GRAEME
Coupled, you will notice, with the muzak of many lands to complete the illusion.(TIM pulls blinds this time and, after a brief leafy backdrop, an aerial view of Paris. Accordion muzak plays in.)
BILL
Ha-ha-ha! (indicating to TIM) Don’t stop.(TIM tugs again [5] to reveal Sydney. Rolf Harris’s ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down’ chimes in. [6])
BILL
Turn it off!(TIM does so, walking away whilst wiping his hands with disgust.)
GRAEME
Well, if you really must play then through here (Door B) is a fully equipped games room. And that’s about it.]BILL
Oi! Where’s the loo? (laughing) You’ve forgotten the loo, haven’t you!(GRAEME points again to Door B. BILL nervously opens it.)
GRAEME
There. Is that what you wanted?
3. The establishing scene continues in this vein for a while longer with no further cuts. What is significant is a certain nervousness in the production, offset by a celebration of the budget’s short comings with the multiplicity of two doors. Bill’s bizarre blocking in this edit distracts from Tim’s genuinely bad blocking when trailing Graeme. This is all to prepare for his role of pulling strings on Rent-a-View, something that he is previously unaware of.
4. A single frames appear between the close up of Tim's aunt and a brief shot of the trio's bow. Graeme and Bill completely change positions, suggesting that this particular shot has been clumsily trimmed so as to save time (1'09").
5. During the blind pulling betwixt Paris and Sydney there is a slight gaff by the production team, one of whom visibly aligns the Sydney shot whilst Tim tugs away. Any reasonable freeze-frame will pick this up on a complete copy at 2’11". Earlier, a blue screen appears through the kitchen door, hastily substituted in the next shot. Spot it at 1’27". And, if you still want more, there’s a blue halo around Graeme as he leans into the games room (2’20" & 2’23") and a ‘boom’ shadow at 2’16". Whether they had the time to re-shoot is, thirty years hence, anyone’s guess.
6. Why the edit? The main problem would have been PRS rights for the Antipodean tune, but this can only have been the matter of a tenner in royalties. Also, they spotted a couple of conceivable edit points which quickened the calm pace of this smelly old programme. Probably.
7. Moving on, there is a vast jump of 37" which removes most of the first film sequence [FS1]. What remains is Tim’s lamp helmet and Graeme’s running up of a Goodies flag as they prepare the trandem for a bit of vehicular hoop-la-hey. Bill pumps away and before I can create any more tenuous sexual links the sequence has ended. What is lost is an amusing journey to the Tower of London, leapfrogging instead to their creeping around Tower corridors at 5’48". What you don’t lose however, whilst The Goodies fall around on the bike, is someone in the far background walking up to a moving van and signalling to get on board [SHOT F]. Perhaps one day we’ll find out who that is and also what ‘K&N’ stands for [SHOT C]. Anyway, notebooks out for those missing bits:
SHOT G : The trandem turns on a street corner later honoured by a dastardly Prince Charles.
SHOT H : Another street, this time with camera at ground-level. Sound effects appear as they swerve away from said camera.
SHOT I : Long distance establishing shot of Tower, with a whopping great British flag as you might very well expect.
SHOT J : The trandem travels down a lane and parks at - a rather small - tower entrance. Here, Bill gets a small lump out of his pocket which...
SHOT K : ...when pumped up turns into a fake dog.
SHOT L : Bill whips out a sign saying ‘IT BITES’ and places it in front of dog. Hilarity ensues and they walk into VT land again.
8. What is that ringing noise? Can’t you hear it? It’s at 8’21" and drowns out George Baker, playing a delightful and quietly vicious plainclothes Beefeater. If anything it’s the oddest linking device between two scenes - completely innocuous and overbearing at the same time. Any ideas? Is it the dog?
9. More trimming occurs during the second office scene [SS3], ostensibly to squeeze a 3 minute ad break into a 15-minute slot (part one runs to 11’32" including flotsam). There are two cuts totalling 59" which compact everything that precedes Bill’s sherbet vision. This is of course evil and wrong. Here’s a full transcript to set the world to rights. Again, the square brackets encase the missing sections.
SCENE : The Goodies office.
(TIM’s back blots out screen, striding forward to reveal a sherbet-sucking BILL and GRAEME fiddling with his computer)
TIM
(pacing) All right, now look. Who we’re after is someone who bears a grudge against Beefeaters, right?BILL
Bulls.TIM
I beg your pardon!BILL
Bulls. Bulls. Beefbeefbeefeaters, now look - no bull likes being eaten, right?TIM
Right.[BILL
Right. Wha-?TIM
(inspired) Bulls are stealing the beef so there’ll be no more Beefeaters and no more bulls will have to be eaten.GRAEME
Rubbish.TIM
All right, poultry farmers - because if there’s no beef then the Beefeaters will have to eat something else and they’ll probably have to go onto... chickens! And that’s where the poultry farmers cash in.BILL
(unconvinced) Yeah, and the Beefeaters have to change their name to Chickeneaters.TIM
Right. (ruminating) Ceremonial Chickeneaters. It does lack a little dignity, doesn’t it? "Chickeneaters". Chykkeneetah! You get used to it in time. (spasming) Chickeneater! Chickeneater!GRAEME
(holding sandwich) Ab-so-lute nonsense. Look, just wait until I’ve finished feeding the computer.](GRAEME sticks sandwich into computer’s ‘mouth’. It burps.)
TIM
(accusative) What was that you gave it? What was it? It was a beef sandwich, wasn’t it? It was beef! (clucking like a chicken) Beef! It was beef! Beefbeefbeefbeefbeef! [Have you scientists no soul? There are millions of little Beefeaters starving out there and you give a beef sandwich to a rotten machine!
GRAEME
Look, there are not "millions of Beefeaters". There are only two left. (measuring with fingers) And they’re too tiny to be of any further use to society anyway. (crosses arms)TIM
(in rage) You swine!(GRAEME walks over to console TIM)
GRAEME
Sometimes we have to sacrifice a little... human feeling for the sake of scientific research. (TIM shuns him) All right, all right. You’ll see. (returning to computer) We shall now get some scientifically and logically computed answers as to who is stealing that beef.TIM
(arms crossed) All right, what does it say? Who’s doing it?GRAEME
(holding report card) Er, bulls or poultry farmers.(TIM smiles triumphantly.)]
GRAEME
(pacing over to BILL) All right, have you got any bright ideas?
10. Part one of the broadcast closes with the Goodies entering their wardrobe and emerging as Beefeaters. They round off this lengthy office scene by producing the suitable spears with a cry from Tim of "For England", charging towards the door. He stops in his stride, questions the weapons with Bill and Graeme, responding "You know, I don’t awfully care too much about England." Knowing he’s a patriot through and through - and more crucially a coward - the others shuffle Tim out, signalling the end caption (14’22"). UK Gold omit only a few frames of the studio scene to cover up the filter into film sequence two [FS2].
11. ‘Part Two’ rejoins the episode at 15’05", nine seconds away from the end of shot D [FS2]. Again, the edit was presumably made due to FS2 being an inessential getting-from-A-to-B segment. The four-shot sequence does after all follow the same path as FS1, albeit with less cutaways and some amusing balancing of spears on the trandem [SHOT B]. Four uncredited extras are knocked down by Bill’s spear during this which affects the Goodies’ balance, forcing Bill to use it as a kind of paddle [SHOT C]. When they arrive at the tower [SHOT D] they’re unsteady on their feet, which is slightly confusing for UK Gold viewers given that they were never privy to the similar routine in FS1 either.
12. The last sixteen seconds of the first half are dropped, immediately after George Baker guides the trio out of his office with a "follow me" (16’04"). The premise here is that they know who has been trying to steal the crown jewels. The UK Gold edit confuses this, by leaping ahead to 18’30" when George enters the display room to inspect the new security system, a room which they needed guiding to anyway. Several sections are missing:
(i) 16’04" - Baker stood with hat clutched against chest in tribute to his titchy Beefeaters who have withered away to two piles of uniforms on the kitchen floor. This final shot leads into the cod commercials.
(ii) 16’20" - AD1 : 'Goodies Tea Set' - filmed in same kitchen as AD2. Voice-over by GRAEME.
SHOT A : V/O - (GRAEME enters, loaded down with plates) Take the drudgery out of teatime (throws plates into sink) with a (jingle) "Goodies Tea Set" [12].
SHOT B : V/O - Just want half a cup? (he turns half a cup around) Try a (jingle) "Goodies Tea Set."
SHOT C : V/O - One lump or two? (stabbing sugar bowl with spoon) Do you just give up and use your hands? (hesitates) Then how about these (produces model hand), all part of the Goodies Tea Set. (jingle) "Goodies Tea Set".
(iii) 17’10" - AD2 : 'Fairy Puff' (see UK TV entry)
(iv) 18’25" - Establishing shot of crown for ‘Part Two’ caption and a tiny amount of Bill’s whistling.
13. The first snatch of the "Goodies Tea Set" jingle appears to be drowned out by laughter and poorly mixed in, hence it is virtually inaudible.
14. The fifty-six shot FS3, which begins at 22’35", ought to run for 3’56" but in this abbreviated UK Gold broadcast it lasts only 3’13". Goodies film sequences are almost entirely silent, making posthumous editing quick and easy. A tightly-paced, dense form of slapstick permeates FS3 with the Oddie/Gibbs number ‘Catch Me If You Can’ playing over the action. When UK Gold came to edit the programme, the music stayed intact as did the laughter track, but the pace and structure is somewhat ruined.
15. The first section to be removed lasts 31" and occurs between shots six (disguised polo Prince crosses street corner on horse- 23’09") and seventeen (photographer appears on a street corner to take pictures of the trio - 23’40"). This missing passage involves a fruit cart which sheds it’s load when ‘Prince Charles’ rides by. He volleys watermelons at the Goodies, successfully knocking them to the ground. The UK Gold reedit has a noticeable jump on the soundtrack, undisguised by audience laughter.
16. A further 13" is dropped between shots twenty-eight (a disorientated Goodies on the road by a park - 24’18") and thirty (TIM stalling as they charge through park - 24’31"). The missing bit is a rather attractive descent by Prince Charles through the park (any idea which one?) Again, UK Gold editors failed to see the importance of tranquil moments like this amidst banana-skin jokes and sped-up running. A very hurried ending, but the cut in the accompanying instrumental part of ‘Catch Me If You Can’ is quite subtle.
17. Subsequent to all of this is shot thirty-five which is used in the original title-sequence. While TIM spins on the spear he’s lodged into a tree, BILL and GRAEME tackle the Prince, all this time struggling with a pawnbroker ball.
UK Gold #3 - 29’47":
1. At the time of the third ‘Beefeaters’ broadcast on UKG the station had gone for broke with commercials, nonetheless leaving most late-night programming intact. They did, however, insert two ad-breaks into every half-hour show.
2. The first break clumsily splits the first studio scene and the beginning of FS1. TIM’s sweet line "It’s a rather nice feeling, isn’t it, to be needed" is intended as a cue for the Oddie/Gibbs tune ‘Needed’ which accompanies the next sequence. The action picks up again part way into shot A, dropping the Goodies leaving the office and walking towards the bike. An inessential 3" but irritating all the same.
3. The second break occurs during George Baker’s accosting of the royal robber. Producing the thumbscrew he’s more recently used as a "splendid garlic crusher" , the robber exclaims "Oh no, not that! I can’t stand the smell of garlic!". Here the action ends, but in the complete version Baker apologises ("I’m so sorry"), cleaning it with his handkerchief : "So, better?". A civil "Righto" rebounds over the next shot of the Goodies - a tantalising suggestion of a polite torture waiting to happen.
4. As a result of this interuption, we jump ahead very slightly to Bill’s line "A burglar by appointment, that is ridiculous!". Some clumsy editor misses the "A" as the action clunks back in, desperate to remove the awkward "Righto" which Bill’s line partially blots out.
