Series One, Episode Five

PROJECT NO.: 11/5/02526

SR: Th 12/11/70 (#06)

TX: Sun 06/12/70 (#05)

ALTERNATE TITLES: ‘The Greenies’.

ORIGINAL DURATION: 29’05" (two seconds longer than archive listings suggest).

BBC F&TVA: D3-PAL.

BFI: 2" CVT, 16mm B/W FR + viewing copy.

SCRIPT: Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie with Tim Brooke-Taylor.

PLOT: The Goodies are going on holiday and take up Tim’s suggestion of Penrudden Cove as their destination. Staying with the local vicar they uncover nuclear testing at a local army base.

SEQUENTIAL ORDER: SS1, FS1, SS2 (FS2 insert), SS3, SS4, FS3, AD1, AD2, SS5, SS6 (FS4-6), FS7.

CAST: Tim Brooke-Taylor (all bar FS2, SS3, AD1, FS4, FS5, FS6); Graeme Garden (all bar FS2, SS1, AD1, AD2, FS4, FS5, FS6); Bill Oddie (all bar FS2, SS3, AD2, FS4, FS5, FS6); George Benson (Reverend Rose [FS1, SS2, SS4, FS3, SS6, FS7]); Richard Caldicot (Brigadier [SS3, SS5, FS6, FS7]); Timothy Carlton (Captain Hebbs [SS3, SS5, FS6, FS7]); Pauline Devaney (housewife [AD1]).

UNCREDITED CAST: four officers (SS3), two guards and eight man defence (FS3), a lieutenant (FS7),twelve children, a girl stripping, a Japanese spy and another (Russian?) (FS7). The guard count is hard to make out, with ten in FS6, a further three at the gate during FS7 and nine on "all round observation" in the same film sequence.

CREW: John Tiley and John McGlashan (film cameramen); Alan Lygo (film editor); Ron Oates (visual effects); Betty Aldiss (costume); Rhian Davies (make up); Derek Slee (lighting); Laurence Taylor (sound); Bill Oddie & Michael Gibbs (music); Jim Franklin (film direction); Janet Budden (design); John Howard Davies (producer).

UNCREDITED CREW: none that spring to mind. There are probably a few studio people sobbing at that suggestion.

STOCK FOOTAGE: Three lovely kaleidoscopic blips punctuate FS7. Elsewhere there are a string of photographic stills in the second advert ‘News On 2’. See the notes with UK Gold #3 for an exciting list.

MUSIC/FOUND SOUNDS: Oddie/Gibbs reprise ‘Needed’ (FS1) and new’un ‘I Don’t Believe In You’ (FS3, FS7). ‘The Goodies Theme’ snatches links SS5 to SS6, as well as bridging the ad break. A group rendition of ‘Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside’ or whatever its called appears in SS1. Some peculiar music in SS5 possibly originates from BBC Radiophonic Workshop given that it sounds remarkably like music from the 1970 Dr Who serial ‘Inferno’. Similar sounds bridge SS2 and SS4 as Bill’s vision appears on the vicar’s television. AD2, ‘News On 2’, is accompanied by a rousing score which is intended to remind the viewer of a Western, but not of the Ennio Morricone variety. Drill music accompanies all film sequences bar the first, whilst sound effects include birdsong, a gunshot (FS1), a toilet flush and animal growling (SS5) and various explosions and missile effects during the final sequence.

GRAEME’S INVENTIONS: His long range bugging device "is a miracle of modern precision engineering" (SS2) which doesn’t work, unlike an ingenious rocket device in FS7 which can only be operated by hop-scotch. On an impure note, when the trio break into a room at the army base they discover an operating table and caged rabbits: "Only the devil knows what apalling experiments those poor animals have been subjected to. Hehehehe."

HATE FIGURES: Plenty to say about the army, continuing their attacks on the establishment to much more subtle effect than in ‘Give Police A Chance’ . The ultimate pay-off is the cancellation of plans at Experimental HQ40 as told by Graeme to the Brigadier:

The dialogue which sets up the image of an evil army stationed in the middle of nowhere is a rather sweet exchange in SS2, down in the vicarage.

BILL
Has everybody else really gone then?

REVEREND ROSE (GeorgeBenson)
Yes, they have.

GRAEME
But... eh, why did they all go?

REV
Because of the strange goings on in the neighbourhood.

TIM
What sort of strange goings on?

REV
Strangers prowling in the night, weird noises and things disappearing.

TIM
"Things disappearing"?

REV
Yes. A whole stretch of the beach has been stripped bare, the bathing huts have all disappeared, Sam Triggiden’s cock and welk stall was mysteriously destroyed by fire and last week the villagers awoke to find that the Councillor Jenkins memorial statue down by the shore had gone in the night.

BILL
Oh, but who’d want to steal a statue?

REV
Exactly, "curse be he that removeth his neighbour’s landmark". Deuteronomy twenty-seven, verse seventy-eight.

TIM
No one knows who did it?

REV
No, I just thought it was somebody getting ready for a pop festival. (Tim stifles a laugh) But quite naturally the villagers began to grow uneasy and the final straw came last Tuesday night when we heard strange rumblings and eerie noises on Penrudden Hill. (Graeme looks edgy) And poor old Jake Trevevick climbed up the hill to investigate. (stiffening) Gentlemen! He returned a raving, mindless idiot!

TIM
I remember old Jake Trevevick. He always was a raving, mindless idiot!

REV
True, but Penrudden folk are a superstitious lot. And before day break they’d all packed up and gone.

TIM
And you were the only one that dared to stay behind!

REV
"The wicked flee where no man pursueth, but the righteous are as bold as a lion". Proverbs twenty-eight, verse one. Have some more tea.

MULTIPLICITY: Reverend Rose’s vicarage has taken on a new persona since the villagers fled Penrudden Cove. As the signs point out, it is by turns a police station, dentist, massage & sauna room, post office, purveyor of Cornish Teas and a free house, The Saucy Midwife.

REFERENCES/ORIGINS: You can imagine connections to the UNIT, Earth-based adventures seen in Dr Who after 1968’s ‘The Web Of Fear’. Indeed there’s plenty to support this when you compare ‘Army Games’ to most of the telefantasy series’ seventh run of 1970 (also in colour). It’s closest relative is ‘Inferno’ (BBC1 09/05/70-20/06/70) which covers similar ground. Perhaps Oddie and Garden skipped the inclusion of Olaf Pooley shouting a lot just to put us all off the scent? Perhaps. Most obvious are the leanings to The Village Of The Damned , the John Wyndham novel which was transferred to the big screen in 1960 to considerable effect. Reverend Rose’ first appearance and entrenched paranoia about strangers is consistent with that tale of another mysteriously deserted village. And while we’re talking about mysteries, Enid Blyton is a clear influence too, just as she seems to be on the impending ‘Servants’ episode. Too bad they weren’t wearing shorts. Graeme does have great legs after all. More incidental is a passing reference to pop festivals in SS2 (see above) which perhaps nods to the first Glastonbury of 1970, although its just as likely it does not. Meanwhile the destruction of Harrods (mentioned in SS2) is seen as a good thing. Finally, the game of hand grenade tennis in FS7 is a blatant steal from the opening sequence of The Prisoner episode ‘The Girl Who Was Death’ (ITV 1968), although sadly lacking Patrick McGoohan’s fake moustache.

Unusually, ‘Army Games’ exists in two separate forms. As was common practice at the time of broadcast, a monochrome print was struck from the original broadcast tape for overseas sales to territories where colour broadcasting was yet to arrive. In latter years the colour master has revealed a fault at 24’37", where the oxides seem to have gone to mulch for a total of two seconds.

This may sound unremarkable and, indeed, it tends to be transmitted regardless. UK Gold showed the VT master in 1992 and on two subsequent occasions from the monochrome film print. Recent inquiries with the archive reveal that this fault is noted, yet ten years ago this was not the case. UKTV and UK Gold’s requisition of the entire series in 1992 may have brought this to their attention, hence a retraction for UK transmissions ever since.

Below is a run down of the clear faults on both recordings:

24’37" - 24’39" principal picture breakdown

03’53" - a white flare on the shot of a country house

16’07" - AD2 is edited by 3"

18’09" - a scratch which engulfs the screen

24’34" - 24’36" principal picture breakdown.

26’16" - minor picture jump

Let’s step back, just in case I was writing too fast. The fault which has caused the archive’s withdrawal of the colour tape was there all the time. Maybe even on initial broadcast. OK, so it’s not quite as degraded as the VT copy is today but nonetheless we have an illogical situation where an incomplete and consistently faulty black-and-white print is favoured over a perfectly-alright-if-you-blink colour copy.

Below is the usual broadcast breakdown. Enjoy the colour screen grabs. It might be the last time you see them.

1. In the past the ABC have broadcast censored versions of this episode, dropping the nude shot from AD2 (which I’ll come to later) despite the unavoidable inclusion of the stripping girl (FS7) and Tim holding up a porn mag spread in SS5 (18’50"). Once again this UK TV broadcast is deliciously complete.

1. A line fault appears at 1’12" when Bill throwshis suitcase over to Graeme. As this does not appear on the UKTV copy, it is best assumed to be a fault during an individual tape transfer.

2. The commercial break occurs between AD2 and SS5, losing very little as a result. All that disappears is the fade on ‘News On 2’ , the channel choosing to freeze on the logo and fade sharply. 2" are missing.

1. A ridiculous introduction by the overexcited twat of an announcer: "There’s more from Albert Square in Eastenders at 6.30, which follows comedy from Sykes". This man presents BBC1 these days. Be very afraid.

2. The opening credits are substituted as per usual, beginning 1" into the action so as to remove that fading theme. Then this monochrome outing looks even more silly with the inclusion of a bright yellow ‘Part One’ caption. This is a little insensitive to the material, as though the natives might go spare and start hitting their television if this is not completely clear to them.

3. A loss of 18" during FS1 when shot E is completely removed. This is clearly to reign in the length of the first half which would otherwise run on for 15 minutes. The missing shot sees the trio parking up at a wall in the village as Bill catches up on foot with the suitcase. This version rejoins the proceedings at 3’25" when a close-up is introduced of the trio staring out ("It’s completely deserted!").

4. Is that a boom or a branch which overshadows ‘The Saucy Midwife’ sign at 4’10"? Just wondering.

5. The second film sequence is abbreviated at both ends by UKG scissors. A 20" cut occurs at the beginning (13’31") which presents the Reverend Rose taking action against the army base by entering their grounds, setting up a chair and shaking a sign which reads ‘STOP IT!". A further 9" is removed from the resulting gas attack, as the Goodies scuttle across the ‘battle’ zone. We lose the Goodies Theme, a split-second pay-off from ‘I Don’t Believe In You’ and some choking. The original version ends this sequence at 14’55".

6. All of the ad break is missing (1’43"). The first revolves around the Westminster Sub-Machine Gun, a fantastic product with which to ward off home help. In something akin to Corbet Woodall’s debut in ‘Snooze’ there is a change in speed which distorts dialogue. Here is the corrected version.

(film speeds up, showing Bill zooming around the kitchen, invading cupboards, throwing buckets around and generally decemating her kitchen as she stands in shock.)

(normal speed. Bill now frenzied by the door, waving the box of Fairy Puff around and spraying the contents.)

BILL
(Scottish shrieking) I’m going to take this box of Fairy Puff and I’m going to stuff it up your nostrils!

(he begins a dance as he shrieks the ‘Fairy Puff’ jingle. PD reaches into a cupboard on the wall, produces a firearm and shoots him. He collapses to the ground.)

(new shot - close on PD holding gun.)

V/O (Graeme Garden)
If a [...] comes in and fouls up your housework, try a Westminster Sub-Machine Gun. (caption, then jingle)

7. The second advert is covered in the entry for UK Gold broadcast #3.

8. A further six seconds are lost from SS5, as we rejoin the action. The Goodies creep around a corridor in the army base (rather like the Tower of London in ‘Beefeaters’) as the story picks up. The cut is made to remove the ‘Part Two’ caption and replace it with UK Gold’s yellow imitation.

1. The newly christened UK Gold gold logo (which is gold) appears throughout, neatly offsetting the monochrome print that the station once again opted for. This was needless given that there have been occasions where a black-and-white equivelant of the logo had been used to accompany such material .

2. One incredibly clumsy cut (2") occurs in a pretty much intact broadcast, and in this instance eminating from the original tape (see Broadcast History). The following transcript of AD2 reinstates the edit, with a pretty neat screen grab to reward all those of a male persuasion who have read this far. It’s inclusion is purely academic.

NEWS ON 2

(rousing music accompanies a close up on smiling girl)

V/O (Tim Brooke-Taylor))
Later tonight on BBC Tele[vision. Sex...

(drags back to reveal a nude girl)

V/O
...violence...

(image of soldier)

V/O
...drugs...

(syringe)]

V/O
...murder...

(man stood over a corpse)

V/O
...and perversion.

(shot from James Whale’s 1931 film ‘Frankenstein’. Then a volcanic lava flow.)

V/O
See all this and more in colour on BBC News...

(‘News On 2’ caption)

V/O
...starring mean, moody, magnificent Robert Dougal.

(picture of Robert Dougal smiling. Slow zoom.)

V/O
Including exclusive live coverage of BBC Newscasters.

(‘News On 2’ caption has returned and springs forward)

V/O
This is the big one! And now, back to The Goodies.