For this article we've borrowed extensively from David Lister's biography 'In The Best Possible Taste', Everett's own 'The Custard Stops At Hatfield' and various documentaries and retrospectives. All corrections very welcome. There will hopefully be other sites devoted to Kenny's life which saves us having to do too much of a potted biographical history and concern ourselves with his actual career output which remains curiously undocumented...

Kenny Everett's break into radio came when, aged 20, he sent a little twelve minute tape of himself arseing about to the BBC Home Service show Midweek. He got invited onto the show and was interviewed about his hobby. Requesting a job proved fruitless but the BBC advised him to instead try the pirate radio stations, broadcasting illegally offshore. He sent the same tape to said ships and was immediately invited aboard. For the next few years he honed his DJ and tape skills for Radio London, both in solo show and in manic double-acts with fellow DJ Dave Cash. He was also dispatched off the America to travel with the Beatles and send back hastily-taped interviews via crackly phone lines.

George Harrison and Kenny Everett, circa '66

The Radio London tenure was cut short by an unexpected sacking after Everett said some rude things about an American evangelical gentleman who advertised his fire-and-brimstone magazine in a half-hour insert which was scheduled in the middle of Everett's 6 till 9 show.

His first BBC work was for the then Light Programme's Where It's At, an innovative pop broadcast hosted by Chris Denning (now fallen on hard times!). Everett contributed jingles, inserts and intros to the show which, unlike most of BBC's output at the time actually allowed a pure flow of pop music (other shows insisting on a quota of contemporary covers by Joe Loss and his Orchestra, etc). One show was given over totally to premiering the tracks from the newly-released Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (apart from 'A Day In The Life' which had been unceremoniously banned by the BBC for its druggy references) and some amusing in-the-studio interviews which featured Lennon and Everett sharing phasing tips.

With the advent of Radio One (on 30/9/67) Where It's At was moved to a slot on the new station and further Beatles interviews appeared, one of which featuring a McCartney-improvised jingle which went 'Kenny Everett and Chris Denning, altogether on the wireless machine�' before some Everett-added explosions, whooshes and rips brought it to an abrupt end. The jingle has made it to several bootlegs over the years.

Everett was heavily involved in promoting Radio One and, subsequently, was given his own DJ slot on Tuesdays called Midday Spin, an experience he didn't enjoy much, infuriated that he was only given an hour-long slot, compared with Tony Blackburn (who was allotted three), but the show did at least follow Where It's At's formula of playing pure pop releases. At this point the station didn't even have to pay a royalty to the record companies, as long as they mentioned the label in passing. Glory days.

When Everett took over the Sunday morning slot he came into his own, devising characters to keep him company, including 'Gran'- interjections from a mad old bat which Everett had freshly consigned to tape while the previous record was playing; a dangerous Germanic computer with added vocoder, and 'Crisp', a mellifluously voiced butler, played by Brian Colvin (or 'Colville' if you believe Lewisohn). For these shows he found the ideal producer in Angela Bond who understood Everett's humour and constant need for archive oddities to play.

Angela Bond and Kenny Everett

By 1968, the success of the Sunday morning slot had led to a daily show called Foreverett which weighed heavily on the DJ as the multi-layered tape-twisting work he put into the broadcasts naturally became more demanding. Six weeks of night-time broadcasts were followed by a Saturday morning slot vacated by Saturday Club. Angela Bond and Johnny Beerling set up a special room for Everett's tape-tinkering (christened the Wireless Workshop) which housed all manner of gadgetry like vocoders and ring modulators, essential to his work).

Kenny in the Wireless Workshop (domesticated version)

Everett's first TV work was Nice Time for Granada TV, a sketch show which also featured Germaine Greer, Candid Camera's Jonathan Routh and, for its second series, Sandra Gough (now better known to comedy fans as Paul Calf's mother in Steve Coogan's Video Diaries). Twenty eight shows were made between 1968 and 69. No, we haven't seen them either but Lewisohn, bless him, includes some nice details.

In 1970, Kenny was sacked from Radio One, supposedly for making a joke about the wife of the Minister of Transport passing her driving test first time ('she probably crammed a fiver in his hand') but, according to David Lister, this was just a convenient final straw for the BBC who were continually annoyed by their enfant terrible's habit of mouthing off about their programming policies and silly Musicians Union rules.

Between 1970 and '71 Everett did six months almost continuous broadcasting for LWT. Three separate series, seemingly running consecutively and called The Kenny Everett Explosion, Making Whoopee and Ev, featured pop music and sketches. The 'Crisp' character also made a reappearance in Everett's world in some of these shows.

Kenny also returned to the BBC in 1971, albeit not for a pop show (the management presumably cringing at the idea of letting his mouth run away with him in a live show). Instead he joined Vivian Stanshall and Kenneth Robinson for a Radio 4 show called If It's Wednesday It Must Be� which saw him develop 'Rock Salmon � Special Investigator' a silly serial (written by Jeremy Pascall) . Everett also spent a lot of time sending up the rift between himself and 'that bunch of ratbags' at Radio One.

A solo Radio 4 show occurred the following year, after which he syndicated pre-recorded shows for regional BBC Radio (Bristol, Brighton and Medway) and, eventually, another short stint for Radio One.

These new Radio One shows were pre-recorded to avoid potential mouth-running. The comparison with Chris Morris' famed Radio One suspension in 1994 is inevitable (both situations involved a flippant joke about an MP; both situations resulted in no further live broadcasts from the perpetrators. How we've progressed�).

Upon his return to Radio One, Everett opened the show with the following:

EVERETT I was going to start the programme actually by saying 'Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted'�but I'm not going to say anything like that again. Oh no, oh no�

(SINGS OVER THE TRACK)

Never be naughty, Cuddly Ken,

Keep it to yourself

If you want to say a naughty paragraph

It's not worth it, just for a laugh

Better be careful, watch what you say,

Auntie's not asleep (oh no)

If you've got something naughty to say,

Cover it with a bleep!

In 1973, Everett was enticed over to Capital Radio and built up a new, albeit London-only audience with his pre-recorded weekly shows. Soonafter he was given a breakfast show slot with old pirate radio buddy Dave Cash. His initial producer for the Capital shows was Aidan Day. The shows once again brimmed with inventiveness. Everett adored American and Australian radio and had contacts who would send him ridiculous excerpts which he dropped into his own broadcasts. For this tenure, Everett also developed, with the joke skills of Barry Cryer and Ray Cameron, the ubiquitous 'Captain Kremmen', a space serial inspired by the Journey Into Space/Quatermass radio shows of his youth, but brimming with smut and filth.

PRESIDENT Oh before you go, Kremmen, I was just wondering, how do you stay so virile and tanned.

KREMMEN Well, sir, between assaignments I go and relax at my club.

PRESIDENT Really?

KREMMEN Yes sir. I'm a country member.

PRESIDENT Okay, I'll remember.

Kremmen's adventures spread throughout the station and eventually appeared as inserts on other DJ's shows. More than 80 individual episodes were created, of varying length. Towards the end of these, Everett's cocaine-intake was beginning to affect the creativity and a few episodes finished as soon as they started.

KREMMEN Do you remember what happened last episode? You don't? Then what's the point of doing this episode?

ALAN FREEMAN What will happen next? Tune in next time and find out.

A fondly-remembered item for Capital was 'The World's Worst Wireless Show' where he urged listeners to send in their least favourite discs, resulting in the studio receiving 'sackloads of terrible rubbish'. A 'Bottom 30' was constructed which included a lot of Jess Conrad, oddly. An LP was actually released of most of these, on K-Tel, obviously.

A lot of TV voiceover work also kept Everett afloat, including ads and the 'voice of the prizes' on Celebrity Squares. He did, however need a lot of persuading to do another TV show of his own, having been put off by those apparently less-than-fantastic attempts at TV-dom in the late 60s/early 70s. But the promise of a good director and a fantastic fee persuaded him to change his mind.

The Kenny Everett Video Show ran for four series from 1978-81, with New Year's Eve often given over to him to mess around with. The shows were the first ever attempt at capturing, visually, the multi-layered audio trickery that had been Everett's radio trademark and all the latest 70s video graphics packages were employed. The show's directors, David Malett and later Royston Mayoh using every VT trick in the book. The scripts were conceived and written with Barry Cryer and Ray Cameron, often on the day of the shoot to ensure a built-in keen roughness to the performances. The set featured a huge bank of TV monitors and great big reel-to-reel video machines, essentially Everett's undersea base, which he controlled at his will, albeit always at the mercy of the ubiquitous and God-like 'Lord Thames'.

For the first time, Everett's beautiful double-tracked harmonies were given visuals which overlaid several of him onto the screen at once. When not in harmony with himself, Cuddly Ken was often seen popping back and forth all over the screen like a modern-day Quantel-enhanced Shakespearean sprite.

Everett's DJ links also ensured that musical groups of the day clamoured to be on the show. This being well before convenient promo videos were the norm, the bands and artistes, dependant on individual egos, appeared in brief sketches too, often sending themselves up, ensuring that the po-facedness of the music industry was kept to a well-needed minimum.

Not all the graphics were video-spattered � many shows featured Gilliamesque title sequences with unnerving cutout animations of Everett mouthing pre-recorded intros of the sort he amazed radio listeners with. These sequences were, and are, really rather creepy-looking and added an unnerving quality which fitted the unpredictability of the shows perfectly.

The animations were prepared by Cosgrove Hall who also animated Everett's 'Captain Kremmen' serials which were already familiar to fans of the Capital Radio output.

The Kremmen Of The Star Corps pieces were simply the original radio tapes set to pictures which, like The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy, presented the animators with the task of providing visuals for things that wouldn't be there in the first place if it had been conceived purely for TV, such as a piece of opening music which scrapes away suddenly (depicted in the cartoons as a gramophone which Kremmen himself interrupts) or a sequence where Kremmen's buxom assistant Carla rips her dress 'revealing a ripe pair of swelling, heaving bosoms�' (which the animators chose to depict with an appropriate 'Censored' sign sticking out of said dress!).

Everett devised 'high-concept' characters for the show, including Sid Snot, an offensive rocker and Marcel Wave, an amorous Frenchman with a silly fake chin which disguised his beard. Barry Cryer still cringes at the name 'Sid Snot', insisting that they could have done better The characters had little to do in the show other than walk on, against a very white background, tell a joke, then walk off again. A simple device, but very effective. Other characters included a frilly-shirted fat northern comedian who would get shot at each time, and 'Angry of Mayfair', an infuriated businessman who would scream at the moral repugnance of the show while hiding some unusual peccadilloes � a suit, cut-off at the back, reveals fishnet stockings and a bra

Sid Snot, The Northern Comedian and Angry of Mayfair

One of 'Angry's bugbears was the provocative gyrations of Arlene Phillips' Hot Gossip, a raunchy dance troupe, often cited by idiots as the real reason people watched the show, and continually condemned by Mary Whitehouse. The troupe were considered terribly shocking at the time, but viewed in retrospect come across as really rather pointless and dull compared with Everett's actual work on the series.

Kenny as Sid Snot with Hot Gossip (Sarah Brightman on his left�)

The Kenny Everett Video Show had no studio audience � instead the cameramen and crew were encouraged to act as captive audience, cackling and applauding Everett's shenanegins. This gave the show a genuine feeling of coziness with a believable comic atmosphere, a show which seemingly didn't take its place in the schedules too seriously. If a sketch went tits up (if a performer corpsed, or a set collapsed) they recognised the funniness of the event and duly broadcast it as was. The 'bloopers' idea wasn't new, even in Great Britain - Dick Emery was including a 'Comedy Of Errors' sequence at the end of his BBC shows, and the first few 'It'll Be Alright On The Night' programmes were being broadcast around the same time, but, quite often Everett's out-takes were presented as the items themselves, with no correct edit ever completed. Now, that's class.

'Bartender, gimme a pink lady�' � a fuck-up transmitted in lieu of a correct take. Note Barry Cryer with pipe, far right, amused by the proceedings�

The Thames contract came to an abrupt end in 1981 when a script for a potential running sketch called 'The Snots' (detailing the activities of Sid Snot's extended family) was 'referred upstairs'. Refusing to compromise artistically (and already a bit miffed that the most recent series had been scheduled against Top Of The Pops, Everett, Cryer and Cameron took their show to the BBC. Thames, not a little disgruntled at losing their star player, attempted to spoil the move by claiming that Everett characters like Sid Snot, Marcel Wave and Captain Kremmen were legally their property and that he couldn't use them in any future shows. With this threat in mind, Everett started to invent new characters which were simply variations on the others. Gizzard Puke, a punk character, was simply designed as a way of doing Sid Snot without causing legal hassles. The character was premiered on Kenny Everett's Naughty Joke Box with a Sid Snot voice. In any case the legal worries proved unfounded � Sid Snot and Marcel Wave both appeared on the BBC (with only Kremmen not making an appearance) and Gizzard Puke, suitably re-voiced became a character in his own right.

The first BBC TV series The Kenny Everett Television Show is excellent, boasting an incredible amount of material spanning the eight shows. A tight core of actors appeared, including Billy Connolly, Sheila Steafel and Willy Rushton. The series also introduced new characters such as Morris Mimer (a Marcel Marceau parody reliant on white-out camera trickery) and 'Cupid Stunt', the boisterous starlet 'interviewed' by a cardboard cutout of Michael Parkinson, whose catchphrase 'It's all done in the best possible taste' is now the only thing people actually remember. The routines themselves are actually filthy. The BBC, nervous of the spooneristic possibilities of the character's name, simply referred to her as 'Cupid' (or, in extreme cases renamed her 'Cupid Start', for reasons best known to themselves). Asked for an alternative moniker, Barry Cryer put forward the name 'Mary Hinge'�

[NOTE: Some comedy-watchers (Lewisohn and David Lister included) claim that 'Cupid Stunt' was originally performed on the Thames shows but we're pretty sure this isn't the case. If anyone can correct us we'll be happy to change the above�]

Also premiering in this series were several impressions of Tony Benn ('Initially, the pwemise is this�') which might be counted as 'political material'. Few comedy shows at this time included satirical digs at the Labour Party (although the same series also featured impressions of Margaret Thatcher and Shirley Williams for balance).

Tony Benn, Gizzard Puke and Marcel Wave

The other interesting thing about this first series is that the linking set-up was similar to the Thames shows. The bank of monitors still featured as a backdrop, although this set was seemingly designed to be altogether more friendly than the basement-style image of the Video Show (in fact, after a few weeks the monitors suddenly acquire little flowery window boxes and trellises).

The sketches were often better realised than those of the Thames shows and the budget was obviously much bigger. The sheer wealth of material is quite staggering (on average about 30 separate items in each show � okay, so there's quickies galore but the end result is still a show which looks like it's bursting at the seams). The cheap white background which highlighted the early shows was still present on some monologues but most sketches had a proper set.

Some of the writing is beautiful, relying more on skewed logic than the cheap punning or obvious sight gags that were the trademark of earlier (and later) shows. One simple item features Billy Connolly earnestly singing 'Moonlight Bay', acapella, to camera. We pull back to reveal John Wells standing next to him who joins Connolly on the next line. Pull back further to reveal Everett who joins in the third line with a pitch-perfect harmony, before it's finally revealed that all three are actually standing at a urinal.

Another sketch worth noting is this piece of whimsy:

CONNOLLY Yes?

EVERETT (confused) What? What do you mean yes?

CONNOLLY Well? What do you want?

EVERETT What do you mean what do I want? What do you want?

CONNOLLY I don't want anything � it's you who opened the door.

EVERETT I know that, but what are you doing there?

CONNOLLY Listen, pal, what do you want? I haven't got all day.

EVERETT I don't want anything!

CONNOLLY (Abusive) Well why don't you clear off then before I call a constable. Go on! On yer bike!

CONNOLLY Yes?

Pure Eric Idle, that one. Other sketches were notable for their very disciplined 'adult' frameworks, paid off at the end by a childish punchline, as in the sketch in which Everett and Cleo Rocos discuss the disadvantages of the political middle-road while the camera slowly zooms in on Rocos' chest ('We've been discussing the current state of British politics, and you've been looking at a great pair of knockers'). Another good example is the following parody of the austere broadsheet newspaper TV ads of the time which featured vox pops:

RUSHTON I like its style, coverage � good coverage of sport and it really tells you what's happening in the arts.

STEAFEL Oh, um, I like its in-depth analysis of the political scene and it doesn't insult my intelligence � it's a newspaper that understands women.

CONNOLLY It's a paper that doesn't take sides, but you know, it has its own point of view. I like the humour, I like the reviews, but most of all, for me, it's Page 3 and the tits!

Other notable sketches featured Kenny as a pre-Goodness Gracious Me 'Maharishi' figure and Willy Rushton as his devoted follower ('Life is an orange' / 'Is it?' / 'Isn't it?') and a Sherlock Holmes sketch rendered invisible by the soupy London mist - a caption reading 'FOG' appears during part two, whereupon the 'F' falls off and Barry Cryer's apologetic voiceover announces 'Sorry about the 'F' in "Fog"!'. The rest of the sketch is thereafter obscured by both the mist and the delighted audience hilarity.

Hot Gossip were dropped, though the suspenders-clad gals miming to Everett'' jingles remained, and the show still featured musical guests performing in the studio and taking part in sketches � one memorable instance being in Show Two where Toyah Willcox and Everett change places and parody each other.

The BBC also insisted on a proper studio audience, although the material was practically all pre-recorded anyway, save for one or two TV parody sketches which needed an audience in shot. Everett's links were not done live, in contrast to later BBC series where he schmoozed all over the audience. He was still very nervous about doing material 'live' at this time, although he did participate in the warm-ups with Barry Cryer (apparently coming on and shouting 'fuck' a lot�).

Coinciding with the BBC TV move, Everett also took up a two-hour weekly stint on Radio 2 which ran sporadically from October 81 until November 1983.

The second Television Show series in 1983 showed a vague change of formula. The bank of monitors was consigned to the bin and Everett's backdrop was now the audience themselves who giggled nervously as he wriggled amidst them, getting cosy and refining his Cuddly Ken persona. The sketch material was usually up to standard but lacking something. There are some incredible flashes of brilliance, including the daft 'Flying Rabbi' superhero sketch ('Up, up, and oy vey�') which is as funny as it is ridiculous. The 'Snots' sketch idea which had caused Thames such apoplexy finally surfaced here, albeit retitled 'The Drains � an everyday tale of disgusting folk' and pastiched the over-enthusiastic studio audience reaction American sit-coms like Happy Days received. The shows also premiered the 'Snot Rap' which saw each of his characters rapping against a throbbing hip-hop beat. A single release of one of these sequences made it to number nine in the charts.

Several further Kenny Everett series were made, but showed a vague sense of diminishing returns, the shows relying more on obvious sight gags and the general attitude that Everett was unpredictable and naughty (a notion which is obviously self-defeating once you put a BBC frame around it). The third series milked the 'Snot Rap' joke to its inevitably dull conclusion.

A somewhat disappointing black comedy feature film, Bloodbath At The House Of Death, was made in 1984 and starred Everett, Pamela Stephenson and Cleo Rocos, but did little to interest cinema-goers or fans, its humour a bit too staid and continuous for Everett who was obviously better-suited to fleeting characters whizzing by.

Ray Cameron and Everett had a personal falling-out and he contributed to no further TV shows. New writers were drafted in and the sketches became longer and more drawn-out. Everett, who'd once adored the idea of quickie-skits (the philosophy being that if you didn't like it, it didn't matter as it was gone before you had a chance to register your disapproval) now found himself doing seven-minute film parodies of questionable wit or inventiveness. Gradually, the TV work became a chore.

There were always snatches of the old Everett bursting to climb out of the restricting framework. A Thora Hird-esque character called 'Verity Treacle' (with opened legs which increased outwards in length with each appearance) and the ridiculously heavy-handed American soap parody 'Dallasty' (whose 'Miss Ellie' character changed actresses with every cutaway) were highlights.

A final Television Show series in 1988 did managed to recapture the quick-fire wit of earlier outings (Everett admits jokily at the start of the first show that they'd spent ages trimming out all the boring bits) which left his TV work on a high. He then voluntarily bowed out, returning once more to Capital Radio for a daily slot on Capital Gold which he continued to occupy until ill health finally drove him off the air in July 1994. The previous month he had received a Gold Sony Award for a lifetime's services to radio.

Kenny Everett died in April 1995. Sad day for comedy, that�

Lots of Everett radio work does still exist in archives all over the place. Kenny's entire personal tape collection � about 80 hours of it - resides in the National Sound Archive, his sister Kate Horgan having meticulously copied everything for them.

Two compilation videos of Kenny Everett's Thames 'Video Show' material were released in the 80s. As far as we're aware these tapes were rental-only and never available to buy. The compilations are odd � each tape totals two full hours of stuff and features a multitude of musical guest spots, something which would presumably make a sell-through re-release very very difficult.

The second volume (the only one we've got � anybody out there got the first?) boasts exclusive performances by The Boomtown Rats, Cliff Richard. Suzy Quatro and others. There's also far too much Hot Gossip but Everett's intros to the varied inserts of bodily gyrations ('It's the naughtiest thing since "naut" was invented�') are a saving grace.

A Captain Kremmen adventure runs throughout the compilation (the plot concerns a robot double of Kremmen going bezerk and defecting to the Thargoids). The latter animated adventure was originally broadcast in six parts in the penultimate Thames series, although � for reasons not explained, the Video Show Volume 2 compilation misses out one of the instalments. The original original broadcast of the renegade Kremmen adventure was broadcast on Capital Radio and, as with all the Kremmen material, the instalments were much longer than the shortened Cosgrove Hall animations.

[NOTE: Cosgrove Hall claim they no longer own any Captain Kremmen on film or tape.]

[NOTE (2): Since the original soundtracks were for radio audiences, there are frequent references to 'the listeners' which sound odd when depicted visually. Interestingly, in an episode of Bottom ('Culture'), the sequence in which Edmonson continually slams Mayall's head in the fridge features dialogue which seems to be influenced by this anomaly. After Edmondson tells the viewers that the theories about television breeding violence must be wrong because they don't have one, Mayall counters 'Well that's where he's wrong, listeners because we do have a telly � and here it is!']

[NOTE (3): Ade Edmonson's How To Be A Complete Bastard is dedicated to several fascist dictators 'and Kenny Everett who inspired me to write the book'. This curiously ambiguous comment has never been explained.]

Two Captain Kremmen LPs were released in the 80s. The first � The Greatest Adventure Yet From Captain Kremmen (1980 CBS 84761) - was fantastic and featured a 45-minute adventure edited from the Capital serials. New links were dropped in to ossify the thing as an LP. The strapping together of the individual three-minute broadcasts sometimes necessitated leaving in Alan Freeman's cries of 'What will happen next � Tune in on Monday and find out' and he is duly given a credit on the LP sleeve.

The second Kremmen LP (1980 EMC 3342) isn't as good, for several reasons. The main one being that it's the only instance (aside from the live-action Kremmen quickies which featured in the final Thames series) of Kremmen being conceived for visuals in the first instance. The LP is a soundtrack to the half-hour animated film Kremmen The Movie which played as a support feature to Airplane (amongst others). Visually it probably works fine (we've not seen it, sadly, save for a brief clip once shown on long-forgotten Saturday morning kids show Fun Factory) but the frenetic non-stop amusement is sadly lacking when presented in sound only. The LP uses the complete soundtrack and pads it out with extra links and dialogue-less musical backing. Kremmen The Movie was briefly available on video in the 80s, as a double-bill with more Hot Gossip stuff but we've not found a copy since.

A Captain Kremmen magazine appeared briefly, but we've never seen a copy. Everett plugged it on Tiswas anyway. Kremmen comic strips also appear in two Video Show Christmas annuals which came out in 1980 and 1981. The material in at least one of these (showing our heroes stranded on a mud planet) is loosely based on a Kremmen adventure which we recall being animated.

And while we're about it, there was also a single-release in November 1977 called 'Captain Kremmen � Retribution'. We've not heard it but it does provide a link to:

Everyone remembers 'Snot Rap' which reached number 9 in the charts in March 1983. But, according to David Lister's book, several other singles made their way into the marketplace including 'Knees' (1966); 'The Edge' (1967); 'It's Been So Long' (a cover of a Harry Nillson song, 1968), 'Train Number' and 'Happy Birthday From Cuddly Capital' (no date info available). We also recall Everett being credited with backing vocals on a Barry Manilow single, but we may have imagined it�

Oh, C4 have, as we type, just shown a subliminal clip of the 'Captain Kremmen � Retribution' promo on their Top Ten Comedy Records (no 'Snot Rap' though, the cunts). The music in question was often used during the fade-out for the individual Kremmen episodes we believe.

Another classic Everett-inspired LP worth mentioning is The World's Worst Record Show. The album is a collection of tracks broadcast as part of a very popular strand of Everett's Capital Radio shows in which he asked people to nominated the worst records of all time. Most of the songs were � as is usually the case in such polls � comedy or novelty tracks anyway, but the clear winner, a banned song by Jimmy Cliff called 'I Want My Baby Back' (in which the singer details how he digs up his deceased and dismembered girlfriend to achieve this wish) defies description, even today. Fuck Black Lace and their Agadoos.

The LP was issued on a sickly green vinyl and included instructions on how to turn it into an soupmat ('Why not buy four more and compete the set').

[Anomaly Corner: Noel Edmonds reckons the Capital vote took place in 1980, but the LP actually came out in 1978. Can anybody clarify this for us?]

We heartily recommend Kenny Everett's autobiography 'The Custard Stops At Hatfield', although out of print for many years, a scoot around a few Oxfams should find you a copy. Co-written by Simon Booker, it's an almost completely honest (and hilarious) look back at his career. Written before he 'came out', but why would that make it any less entertaining�

While you're in Oxfam, look out for either or both of the Kenny Everett Video Show annuals (1980/1981) as they're fantastic too. You may even find a copy of the Kenny and Lee Everett Cook Book which features original recipes from Lee plus silly comments from Ken. Not essential, but lovely. Another book which no discerning Everett fan should be without is The Dee Jay Book, published in 1968, an hilarious trawl through the minds of Radio One DJs with interviews, factfiles and questionnaires. Everett features heavily, and Tony Blackburn's vaguely reactionary opinions on then-current trends are hilarious.

'In The Best Possible Taste � The Crazy Life of Kenny Everett', a biography by David Lister is a great introduction to Kenny Everett's life and career. Although the research is sometimes slightly muddled and the book concentrates more on that 'crazy life' than Everett's actual work, it's never muck-raking or flippant and stands as a great document with nice interviews and recollections. And if you can read the final chapter without tears in your eyes then you're harder men than us.

Cleo Rocos autobiography, Bananas Forever not unnaturally tells many tales of her partnership with Everett and is also a right riveting read. Both Lister's and Rocos' books are still in print.

In December 1997, BBC Radio 2 broadcast an hour-long show called Christmas Foreverett which turned out to be a nice compilation of several Yuletide radio things Everett did over the years for various stations (not limited to BBC stuff either). Introduced by Noel Edmonds, the broadcast was presented as a DJ show and to that end kept in instances of Everett playing records by Elton John, The Beach Boys and The Carpenters, giving listeners a rare chance to hear his platter-turning skills without the constraints of PRS worries. The show was beautifully arranged and assembled by Noel Edmonds' Unique Productions, proving that he can do something right at least�

The following year a four-part documentary called Foreverett was transmitted on the same station. This was great too and some marvellous clips were dug up (including a smashing rushes sequence which showed how Everett achieved his multi-layered overdubbed jingles by bouncing down using two machines � complete with fluffed takes and rewinds). Noel Edmonds' narration bordered on the obsequious sometimes (and keeping in forced laughter from himself and the studio technician after one Everett sequence finishes was the height of cringeworthiness) but generally he was inoffensive enough to present the facts and did a good job. Bless him.

Noel Edmonds sniffing a foot

The release of Kenny Everett At The Beeb allowed people who had hitherto only experienced Everett's TV work, or those whose appetite had been whetted by Noel Edmonds' Foreverett docs to experience more of his audio excellence. Narrated by Barry Cryer, the double-cassette features copious clips from Everett's BBC radio broadcasts plus several interview-clips. The sections from his appearance on Desert Island Discs (23/10/93) omits the funniest section where an obsequious Sue Lawley opens up the interview with 'Now Kenny, you're HIV positive aren't you?', to which Kenny answers 'Yes I am, Sue, and hello, by the way�'.

Sadly, as is the usual boring case, PRS problems disallowed a lot of Everett's best radio work to be included. A famous sequence in which he reports on a musician's strike then plays a Matt Munro song (over which a voice cries 'Everybody out!', the backing track gets mixed off leaving Matt continuing the song on his own) was due to feature but was dropped when the BBC found it impossible to clear the use of the song.

Many of Everett's jingles nicked their backing tracks from intros to pop songs of the day. Once draped with his beautiful harmonies, the backings were almost unrecognisable � as is the case with a jingle which sampled a Clodagh Rogers intro, over which he sang 'This is Radio One with another golden song to delight you at home spinning on the gramophone�' or the backwards singing he plastered over a tripled-up intro from The Bonzos' 'Hello Mabel'.

On the same train of thought, several great instances of phase-reversing Beatles songs, allowing Everett to sing new lyrics over the top, were also not easily clearable (although one such instance � a brief clip from 'Eleanor Rigby' sung in a very thick Liverpudlian voice � did manage to slip through, possibly by accident). In the case of a long drawn-out interview with the Beatles from '68 during their sessions for the White Album, (originally broadcast on 6/6/68) the BBC had to contact Yoko Ono to get her clearance for the release.

[NOTE: An unedited copy of the full Everett/Beatles interview had been released before on one of the many many semi-official Beatles interview tapes cluttering up Our Price. The recording runs slightly too slow and is backed with an appalling Beatles interview with Wink 'Deck Of Cards' Martindale.]

[NOTE (2): The Beatles provided fan club members with flexidiscs of chatter and silliness every Christmas. For the '68 and '69 discs (the final two) the production was by Kenny Everett. For the first time each member of the band recorded their contributions separately and Everett's task was to make this sound interesting. He achieved this by splicing about, adding sound FX, snatches of speeded up Beatle songs and lots of weird echo. A few Beatles bootlegs feature good quality copies of these Everett productions, not to mention the full 'All Together On The Wireless Machine' jingle which Macca provided for Where It's At.]

RINGO STARR Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, (TAPE SPEEDS UP, RETURNS TO NORMAL) Magic Christian, Magic Christian, Magic Christian, Magic Christian, Magic Christian. Just a plug for the film, Ken � try and keep it on�

'Kenny Everett At The Beeb' of course features no Captain Kremmen � those were Capital broadcasts � but, speaking to this site's authors last year, producer Johnny Beerling mentioned that negotiations were underway to clear the use of Captain Kremmen for some future release or radio broadcast. And about time too.

'In The Best Possible Taste' is a recently released video compilation from the BBC shows. It's slightly disappointing though. When one considers the first Television Show series and how perfectly executed the whole thing was, it's amazing that so few of the sketches actually feature. There are a couple, including the ridiculous Rod Stewart routine (you know, the one in which Everett's arse inflates throughout) but the video is mainly concerned with the later series which may be testament to the memories (and ego) of the compilation's editor Kevin Bishop who, while only a floor manager on that first series, produced most of the later, less fantastic work.

[NOTE: The video appears to have a fault, at least in copies we've viewed, where the audio goes very quiet and hollow at one point.]

[NOTE (2): The video also features one of the longest pre-programme trailers we've ever seen. About twenty minutes long!]

Kenny Everett Not In The Best Possible Taste (one day these people will have an original thought and their brains will burst) was also released around the same time. This is a cassette-only reissue of the 1982 Kenny Everett's Naughty Joke Box LP (in fact the cassette sounds like it's simply been dubbed from an old LP). The show, recorded at The Comedy Store and featuring Everett as host of an evening of supposedly 'offensive' stand-up comedy from Barry Cryer, Willy Rushton, Lenny Bennett, Fogwell Flax and others) was also originally available on video. It's okay, in a sort of depressing way. Everett delivers a monologue as 'Gizzard Puke', with a voice no different from Sid Snot, which defies any attempt at categorisation, at least from us:

EVERETT This geezer was sitting on a train, all by himself in a compartment. The train stopped at a station, little old lady got on, she sat right across from him. Anyway, the train started, little old lady took out her bible, started to read. Train pulled into the next station, closed the bible, put it away. When the train started again, took out the bible, started to read. Every time the train stopped at a station, out the bible; every time it started again, she took it out, started to read. Well he couldn't figure it out so he leaned over, said 'S'cues me, darling, you're a nice old lady, I don't want to bother you but why is it that every time the train stops you put the bible away; when the train starts you go back to reading your bible?' Little old lady looked up and said� (Pause) 'Why don't you fuck off!'

'Good Radio Two joke', adds Everett.

Interestingly Lenny Bennett's routine centres on jokes about Kenny Everett, playing on the supposed rivalry between the pair. 'Faggot' jokes abound, although these are instigated by Kenny himself.

Kenny Everett's entire BBC TV output has recently been repeated by Paramount. Well, thereabouts. As usual, little snips occurred throughout the broadcasts to fit the original shows into the framework. In the case of the first show of the first Television Series slightly more sinister editing was evident. A sketch which featured Everett and Simon Cadell as The Queen as Prince Phillip on a park bench filling in their UB40 forms was dropped presumably due to references to Princess Diana ('You'd think she'd show some gratitude! Who was it who took her out of that nursery school and made her what she is today? Us!'). The sketch ends with Her Majesty lobbing a tomato at Charles and Di's carriage and immediately feeling better. Diana's corpse was still warm when Paramount broadcast the show so although sketches would have had to be snipped anyway there were arguably other deciding factors in the situation. The end-credits still feature a mute clip from the sketch.

We could be wrong here but we seem to remember one show featuring Madness' promo video for 'Cardiac Arrest'. When the show in question was shown on Paramount the sequence shows them in the studio miming to the song. This isn't the only discrepancy we've noticed re: the Paramount broadcasts. The only clue we have to the original shows are off-monitor tape recordings made at the time, and they all feature our siblings gurgling in the background, followed by hasty 'Ssssssshhhh!'s from our pre-pubescent selves.

If anybody out there has any Kenny Everett broadcasts they are willing to copy for us then please mail us at our contact address. We are willing to trade, obviously. We hope eventually to turn this entry into a great big comprehensive tribute to Everett's work which may spawn a book.

We are searching for any TV broadcasts � especially the Video Show/Video Cassette Thames series, but also pre-Video Show material like Ev; The Kenny Everett Explosion, Makin Whoopee, and Nice Time, etc � and any radio stuff, especially If It's Wednesday It Must Be�, the original Foreverett broadcasts and, well, anything really. C'mon, Noel Edmonds, send us something nice�

The following is a collation of all the info we have at our disposal, i.e. not very much to be honest. Still, we're sure it'll be of use to some of you�

SERIES ONE: 8 x 45 mins, 3 July � 21 Aug 1978, Mondays, 6.45pm

[Billed in Lewisohn as a 45m show, but Channel 4 repeat (as part of 'Vintage Thames' season, July 1995) only runs at 25'08.]

Angry Of Mayfair: Telling viewers to switch off

Intro/Titles

Link 1: (In front of huge TV/Testcard) Kenny comments on title of the show/Xmas presents

Hot Gossip: 'Get On Down The Road'

Angry Of Mayfair: Complains about Hot Gossip/Mentions his wife

Puppet introduces Kremmen ('And now it's Listen To Attention Time')

Kremmen Of The Star Corps: New spaceship/Given another series

Link 2: Kenny announces end of part one (Gets switched off)

Commercials: 'Druff-Go Shampoo'

Choir/Wishing viewers a Merry Christmas

Link 3: Kenny upside down in TV ('All my dandruff problems are over...')

Musical Guest: Leo Sayer - 'Raining In My Heart'

B.A.C.K.H.A.N.D.E.R. appeal by George Graft

Sid Snot - Ripping up cinema seats

Puppet introduces part two of Kremmen

Kremmen Of The Star Corps: Space party

Rod Stewart interview

Musical Guest: Rod Stewart - 'Maggie May'

Big-breasted Mary Whitehouse - Gets excited about Rod Stewart

Link 4: Everett ends show/Song

Credits (Over Hot Gossip - 'Get 'Em Up')

SERIES TWO: 10 x 30 mins, 19 Feb � 30 April 1979, Mondays, 7pm

SERIES THREE: 8 x 30 mins, 18 Feb � 14 April 1980, Mondays 7pm

A half-hour slot bridging 1980/81 (allowing Kenny to boast truthfully at the start that 'there'll be no commercial breaks until next year!'). Obviously recorded during the sessions for the final Thames series The Kenny Everett Video Cassette which followed in June '81, New Years Daze Show featured new items like 'Star Quiz', a game show in which a celebrity guest had to answer three questions and score thirty one points (each question was worth ten) or else be spattered with gunge (Bernard Manning was the first very satisfying guest), several sketches which featured Kenny and David Essex as a double-act (Essex providing a foil for Sid Snot or Marcel Wave) and quickie sketches from Captain Kremmen (live action for the first time, with Anna Dawson as 'Carla').

Everett's final series for Thames � scheduled, much to his irritation, against Top Of The Pops.

6 x 30min shows 16 April � 21 May 1981, Thursdays 7.30pm

Apology from Thames at the show being withdrawn (Kenny and SAS men interrupt)

Titles: 'The Kenny Everett All Electric Show � it gets right up your nose)'

Link 1: A message for any old people watching

Policeman: 'If you think that was funny, you're under arrest'

Angry Of Mayfair: 'Whatever happened to good old fashioned entertainment?'

Marcel Wave: Coalman joke

Sid Snot & David Essex (sardine tin arguments)

Jingle: 'If you like chuckles just like me, tune your set to ITV�'

Golfer (Hamlet Cigar ad parody)

Hot Gossip: 'Making Love On the Phone'

Marcel Wave: Hot Gossip's diary

Captain Kremmen: Kremmen and Carla's brick wall confusions)

Link 2: 'That's the end of part one�'

(ad break)

Link 3 (Kenny tells part two to go and entertain the people)

'We've Got To Keep Up With The Times' � Kenny and Mel Smith as posh piano duo

Policeman: Adultery joke

Captain Kremmen (Space/Spice confusions � Kremmen traps Carla's tit in a book)

Star Quiz (guest star � Lenny Bennett)

Jingle: 'Not bad, that sketch was not too bad'

Musical guest: BA Robertson � 'Sad Song On The Radio'

Orson Welles: Remake of The Titanic ('I play the ship')

Dick Thrust (Occupation: Winner)

Marcel Wave (chats up a mannequin)

The Video Vault (French cassette machine advert)

Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe playing TV computer tennis

Final link

Credits: 'Video Love'

Post-credits joke: Lenny Bennett covered in gunge ('No, waiter - I ordered the avocado')

Titles: 'The following programme contains�naughty bits�'

Link 1: 'Video is Latin for "I see"�'

Hot Gossip � 'Press Darlings'

Kenny turns into a mound of muscle (Elton John: 'He's not very butch is he�')

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part One

Northern Comedian: Irish water polo team

Sid Snot: schooldays

30 Second Theatre

Link 2: Kenny introduces Cliff Richard

Cliff Richard � 'Carrie Doesn't Live Here Anymore'

Video Vault: Kenny sets fire to vault/Japanese cassette ad

Link 3: Kenny dives through monitor to molest Anna Ford

Brother Lee Love: turns into Wonder Woman

Sid Snot: 'I come from a broken home�I broke it'

Commercial Time: 'Bulko'

Link 4: Kenny introduces Hot Gossip ('It's the naughtiest thing since naut was invented')

Hot Gossip � 'Press Darlings'

Spod from the Planet Thrnnng (introduces Captain Kremmen)

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part Two

Wonder Tart (disses Carla)

Link 5: Kenny arranges a date with the viewer

Elkie Brooks � 'Pearl's A Singer'

Sid Snot: 'Playing your tranny loud annoys the neighbours�'

Link: 'Part 2 will give you a lift'

Who Do You Goo? � with Robin Asquith, Janet Brown and Tim Brooke-Taylor

Link 6: 'And now, on with the records'/Kenny introduces Hot Gossip

Hot Gossip � 'I'm Walking The Line'

Vicar: 'It's not the dancing I disagree with�'

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part Three

Angry Of Mayfair: 'Wake up � there's more!!'

Kenny interviews the Moody Blues (they talk in gibberish)

Moody Blues � 'The Road To Between'

Vicar: 'Not a bad little song�'

Link 7: American weapon advert

Finger Power: Kenny fights with enormous wrestlers

Elton John: (gets glasses cracked by Kenny's finger power)

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part Four

Link 8: Kenny introduces Bonnie Tyler

Bonnie Tyler � 'Love Songs'

Jingle: 'Now it is time for a break�'

Commercial Time � 'Fix-O-Fang'

Elton John: 'It's great to be on the Muppet Show�'

Pathe News (Kenny as chicken does Conservative Party broadcast)

Brian Ferry - 'Sign Of The Times'

Link 9: Kenny reads letter from 'naughty bits' fan, introduces 'Hot Gossip topless�' (just legs)

Hot Gossip � 'Tell Everybody'

Angry Of Mayfair: 'Hello�no, that's too good for you�'

Link 10: Suzy Quatro requests to sing

Suzy Quatro � 'Please Don't Change My Love'

Silly Cowboy: Can't get a drink

Angry Of Mayfair (laughs like a drain, before declaring 'That's not funny at all!'

Commercial Time: 'Power Nose'

Sid Snot: 'Kids today got it far too easy�'

Link 11: Kenny introduces The Boomtown Rats

Boomtown Rats � 'Rat Trap'

Spod from the Planet Thrnnng (Tells of his new pop group � 'The Spoddles')

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part Five

Link 12: Unsolicited testimonials from viewers

Sid Snot: an award winning jokette/introduces the band

The Rockford Piles/The Haemorroids -'Singin' The Blues'

Angry Of Mayfair: 'I can't be bothered with you farts anymore�'

Silly Cowboy: 'I'm dying for a drink�' (many many retakes)

Marcel Wave (with 'Hot Gossip' breakfast cerial)

Hot Gossip � 'Musclebound'

Angry Of Mayfair: 'They've brought back those dancers�'

Link 13: Kenny introduces Darts (drenched with water)

Darts � 'It's Raining'

Commercial Time: 'Follicle' (many many many retakes)

Jingle: 'Not bad, not bad, that sketch was not too bad�'

Link 14: Introduces Hot Gossip ('with greasy thighs and wobbly lumpy bits�')

Hot Gossip � 'Making Love On The Phone'

Video Vault: Kenny introduces 'The silly cowboy sketch which went wrong�'

Silly Cowboy: Orders various fancy drinks ('Cock-Up At The OK Corral')

Sid Snot: 'I made a film�'

Kremmen Of The Star Corps � Part Six

Angry Of Mayfair: 'Wake up � there's more!!' (repeated for some reason)

Kenny interviews Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart � 'Maggie May'

Vicar: 'I suppose there's some sense in it�'

Sid Snot: Snail joke

Jingle: 'The Kenny Everett Video Show, tra-la-la-la amen'

Kenny interviews a sardine

Link 15: Kenny upside down in TV ('All my dandruff problems are over...')

Musical Guest: Leo Sayer - 'Raining In My Heart'

B.A.C.K.H.A.N.D.E.R.: appeal by George Graft

Sid Snot: Ripping up cinema seats

Link 16: Kenny turns negro

Brian Ferry � 'The Midnight Hour'

Sid Snot: 'The scrap business�'

The Amazing Slasho and Betty: (knife throwing act)

Baby: Crossword clue

Final Link: Everett ends show/Song

Special Guests: Elton John, Cliff Richard, Anna Ford, Elkie Brooks, Robin Asquith, Janet Brown, Tim Brooke Taylor, Brian Ferry, Moody Blues, Leo Sayer, Boomtown Rats, Rod Stewart, Bonnie Tyler, Suzy Quatro, etc

SPECIAL: 24 Dec 1981, BBC 1, Thursday 7.45pm

SERIES ONE: (8) 25 Feb � 15 April 1982, BBC 1, Thursdays, 8pm

SPECIAL: 28 Dec 1982, BBC 1, Tuesday, 8.45pm

SERIES TWO: (8) 24 Feb � 14 April 1983, BBC 1, Thursdays, 8pm

SPECIAL: 26 Dec 1983, BBC 1, Monday, 7.15pm

SPECIAL: THE KENNY EVERETT CHRISTMAS SHOW 27 Dec 1984, BBC 1, Thursday, 7.50

SERIES THREE: (8) 13 April � 8 June 1985, BBC1, Saturdays, mostly 8.10pm

SPECIAL: KENNY EVERETT'S CHRISTMAS CAROL 24 Dec 1985, BBC 1, Tuesday, 8pm

SERIES FOUR: (8) 16 Oct � 4 Dec 1986, BBC 1, Thursdays, 8.30pm

SPECIAL: KENNY EVERETT'S CHRISTMAS CRACKER 23 Dec 1986, BBC 1, Tue, 8.30pm

SERIES FIVE: (6) 30 Nov 1987 � 18 Jan 1988, BBC 1, Mondays, 8pm

This is a full tracklist for the first BBC series, at least as transmitted by Paramount. Where info was available we have mentioned what they removed for the broadcasts.

SERIES 1, SHOW 1

Pre-titles quickie � Joan of Arc burning at stake says 'And Now This�'

Titles ('Dino DeHorrendous Productions�'/'The Kenny Something Television Show')

Link 1: 'This link isn't working�'

Joan Of Arc at stake (Hamlet Cigar ad parody)

Marcel Wave: 'Ze French letters are so much more exciting�'

Political Interview: '�and you've been looking at a great pair of knockers'

Two Irishmen On Construction Crane (with Terry Wogan) � Einstein

Tony Benn: food redistribution

Swami: 'Who am I?'

Jingle: 'This show is so snappy�'

Link 2: American loo-seat attachment

Abraham Lincoln � What Really Happened

Flogging Lionel Blair ('best thumbscrew in the business')

Gizzard Puke: boy steps on a butterfly

Jingle: 'I can't believe I heard it, it sounded so perverted�'

Cupid Stunt: The Abattoir Massacre

Bill Wyman Interview (Kenny assumes he's Mick Jagger)

Archaeologists searching for somewhere to shag

Link 3: Kenny interviews Cleo Rocos purporting to be Bill Wyman in drag

Musical guest (Bill Wyman � 'A New Fashion')

Abusive Scotsman On Tube Train (Billy Connolly)

Spiderman 1 (Spiderman jumps through a window and farts)

Hitler Stand-In In Nazi Bunker: 'D'yer think these boots are too much�'

Spiderman 2 (Spiderman assists a man whose flies are undone)

Swami 2: 'Life is an orange�'

Bed Joke (crate of milk bottles in bed � 'Is there someone else?')

Marcel Wave: 'I'll be there in twenty minutes�'

The Queen and Prince Phillip On Park Bench

Bed Joke: 'I love you'/'I love you two�'

Tony Benn: Internal rifts in the Labour party

Cupid Stunt: Space Movie

Final Link: ('Goodnight, and God bless'/'Little creep')

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Lionel Blair, Simon Cadell, Billy Connolly, William Rushton, Sheila Steafel, Terry Wogan

[NOTES: The 'Life is an orange' line delivered by Kenny's Swami character is apocraphally attributed to George Harrison in Everett's book of memoirs 'The Custard Stops At Hatfield'.]

Geriatric BBC Boardroom: 'Wacky � that's in Hawaii, isn't it?'

Titles ('Dino DeHorrendous Productions�'/'The Kenny Something Television Show')

Link 1: Kenny shows us an American dentist magazine ad

Lawyer: 'Thinking about killing someone?'

Gizzard Puke: Insurance joke

Doctor massages boobs instead of shoulder ('That's alright � I'm not a doctor!')

Never try to rob a bank while chewing a toffee

Jingle: 'Not bad, not bad, that sketch was not too bad'

Link 2: History Of Comedy Time / Buster Keaton clip / Barney Shamrock

Cupid Stunt: Tarzan film

Geriatric BBC Boardroom: 'Was that Michael Parkinson?'

Vicar: Hymn/Takeaway confusions

Doctors playing Space Invaders on X-Ray machine

Link 3: Kenny chats to Toyah

Musical Guest: Toyah � 'I Wanna Be Free'

Sid Snot: Aeroplane/dog joke

Couple breaking up due to affair

Commercial Time: 'McBurgers' (X-rated burger-bar)

Dungeon: Torturers play charades with Lionel Blair

Link 4: Toyah as Kenny introduces Kenny as Toyah

Link 5: Kenny admits to prefering himself as Toyah over the real thing

Commercial Time: Newspaper ad parody

Sid Snot: Farmers joke

Link 6: Kenny discusses how difficult auditions are

Audition: 'You say either, I say either�'

Guess The Celebrity: (Obviously Quasimodo but turns out to be Terry Wogan)

Interview with Vincent Van Gogh

Morris Mimer: draws ladder, climbs up it, emerges from bottom of screen

Dungeon: Cleo Rocos miscounts

Geriatric BBC Boardroom: 'The Good Old Days�'

Spiderman: delivers milk

Marcel Wave: pops up to tell us he'll be on soon

Cupid Stunt: 'Balaclava Gang-bang'

Link 8: 'And Now, This�'

Bed Joke: 'Did the Earth move for you darling?' (world explodes)

Tony Benn: Enlarging the House of Lords

Vicar welcomes Head Of Variety from BBC

Marcel Wave: Eskimo Joke

Final Link: Thelma & Ruby � the bouncing boobs

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Lionel Blair, Billy Connolly, Richard Johnson, Joanna Lumley, William Rushton, Sheila Steafel, Terry Wogan, Bill Wyman

[NOTES: The 'History Of Comedy' joke here is one of two which appeared in the series but Paramount's broadcasts omit the second one.]

Swami: 'God is watching us all the time�'

Titles: 'Dino De Horrendous Productions�'

Link 1: Condensed version of the show/Gossip

Gizzard Puke: 'Spiders are supposed to be lucky�'

Cow on coffee table

Cupid Stunt: 'The House Of The Haunted Choppers'

Sherman Tank

William Tell

Link: Kenny rips through Cleo Rocos ('Too many pictures�')

Quicksand claims cameraman

Farty Smell At Posh Dinner Party

Morris Minor: draws steps and door

Moonlight Bay (Billy Connolly, John Wells and Kenny at urinal)

Morris Mimer: emerges from door, takes steps with him

Wine-Tasting: Kenny drinks what the others have spat out

Dodgy Videocassette: Kenny sells to Billy Connolly.

Link 3: Video magic demonstrated (picture spins until Kenny feels sick)

Gizzard Puke: Dentist

Tarzan Sketch ('It's a bloody jungle out there�')

First woman on the moon (shagging behind moonrock).

Link 4: 'Ringo Starr was not available�'

Guest band: Madness � Cardiac Arrest

Spiderman: dying for a piss, can't find a zipper, wets himself

Nun in a Fishtank (reconciling married couple in restaurant)

Spiderman: In launderette, washing web

Bee Gees (Everett in triplicate, interviewed � 'Great�didn't they�')

Cupid Stunt: 'The Armada Massacre'

Link 5: 'Do you mind, this is an internal call'

The Man Who Loved The Telephone

Link 6: 'Look at the dust on your TV controls�'

Horror movie (evil man approaches house, turns out to be canvassing for the SDP)

Marcel Wave (Jumps into bed with Cleo Rocos as man demonstrates video fast-forward control)

Marcel Wave: Women are like continents

Dungeon: Lionel Blair's birthday (roasted on spit above birthday cake)

Final Link: 'We love you�they'll never swallow that�'

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Lionel Blair, Billy Connolly, Richard Johnson, Joanna Lumley, William Rushton, Sheila Steafel, John Wells.

Doctor fondles Cleo's tits ('Acme Boob Fondling Inc' on back of white coat)

Titles: 'Dino De Horrendous Productions'

Link 1: Two Kennys on set

Gizzard Puke: Elephant robs jewellers

Sid Snot: comments on Gizzard Puke

Ventriloquist's Funeral

Marvin D. Bomb The Bastards: Addressing a crowd

Link 2: Interview with Cleo Rocos as Shirley Williams

Cupid Stunt: 'When Diana Dors Roamed The Earth'

Anything For A Laugh: Married couple's infidelity revealed

Swami: 'He who eats brown rice�'

Link 3: Cashpoint card/Cashpoint eating people

Sid Snot: 'Do you wanna screwdriver?'

Two dear old ladies in tea room: 'All we ever got was a bag of sweets�'

Spiderman: hailing taxi

Link 4: introduces Toni Basil

Musical Guest: Toni Basil � 'O Miki'

Courtroom: defendant accused of adultery shagging behind stand

Gizzard Puke: Football Match

Beethoven writing jingle for soap on a rope

News For The Deaf

First Woman On The Moon: crashes buggy ('Women drivers')

Cupid Stunt: The crew

Dentist: Patient turns into werewolf

Margaret Thatcher � 'House Of The Rising Sun'

Final link: Kenny invites audience member over

Post-credits: audience member turns up

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES BY: Tim Brooke-Taylor, Frank Carson, Billy Connolly, John Junkin, Joanna Lumley, Mike Moran, William Rushton, Sheila Steafel, John Wells

Swami: 'What is it like on the other side?'

Titles: 'The Kenny Everett Show is on the air�'

Link 1 (Kenny's not there, replaced with a frame-by-frame version)

Gizzard Puke:

Lobster Pot Restaurant: fish choose from a human tank

Cupid Stunt: Scottish Film

Parkinson parody (wig falls off)

Abraham Lincoln � What Really Happened 2

Irishmen on girder ('Tree-fellahs')

Commercial Time: Cyclux Paint

Sid Snot: ('�with the leather forecast � black and shiny with the chance of a few studs�')

Anything For A Laugh: Gay Son

Link 2: Letter from Laurence Olivier

Guest Band: Imagination � 'Illusion'

Assassin: assembles meticulous gun, shoots himself

Marvin D. Bomb The Bastards: 'What America Means To Me�' (with out-takes)

Gizzard Puke: Confessional

Mohammed Banji (India's answer to Mike Yarwood)

Courtroom: Transvestite Police Officer

Fear Can Be Fun ('Was that a noise outside? It was you know�')

The Nine O'Clock News Show

Cupid Stunt: 'Bloodbath Of The Vestal Virgins'

Geriatric BBC Boardroom: 'You just missed the girl with great big chests�'

Marcel Wave: Creature Of the Moment

Amusement Arcade: Disco Machine

Tony Benn: Nationalising The Royal Family

Bolshoi Ballet

Sid Snot (comments on ballet sketch)

Final Link: 'Let's all meet for lunch tomorrow�'

Post Credits: Marvin's costume alone

WITH SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Michael Parkinson, William Rushton, Terry Wogan.

[NOTES: Marvin D. Bomb The Bastards' huge shoulders were meant to open up revealing miniature cannons and flags inside. Barry Cryer claims that on the Thames shows they were worked by someone pulling a wire out of shot but the BBC insisted on a remote-controlled device (which continually went wrong. In this show the out-takes are included, while an eerie post-credits sequence shows the costume, sans Everett finally doing what it was supposed to.]

'Keep Boobs Off Our Tubes' campaign (from within Rocos' cleavage)

Titles: 'The Kenny Everett Show Is On The Air'

Link 1: 'Why don't I open with a song�' / 'My Way' (with scatological lyrics)

Head Of Folding Chairs At The BBC

Gizzard Puke: Routine Enquiry

Speaking Telephone (time pips caused by Kenny being whipped)

Sid Snot: A bit of Rock N'Roll Magic

Kenny As Rod Stewart (Arse inflates throughout, floats heavenward)

Link 2: ('And now�this'; Rod bursts and lands on set)

Cupid Stunt: Critics Are All The Same

World's Tallest Building (camera crew falls over the edge)

Jingle: 'Not bad, that sketch was not too bad�'

Dungeon: Crossword clue

Link 3: Introduces greatest Bed Jokes Of All Time

The Greatest Bed Jokes Of All Time (BA Robertson co-stars)

Link 4: Ken thanks bed joke actors

Stage Magician (puts woman back together the wrong way around)

Sid Snot: Cigarettes are bad for you

Geriatric BBC Boardroom ('I fought a war for a chap like that�')

Hitler's bunker ('Never try to conquer the world while chewing a toffee')

Hospital: Complex Transplant (skeleton to be put inside flat body)

Link 5: Short nap

Guest Band: BA Robertson � 'Ready Or Not'

Link 6: Kenny wakes up audience after BA Robertson

Marriage On The Rocks (on honeymoon)

Adam Faith: 'That wasn't another bed joke, was it?'

Link 7: Surrounded by items 'By Royal Appointment'/Kenny as Queen using said products.

Irishmen On Girder: Paratrooper joke

Link 8: Push-button phone/behind the scenes of digital dialling relay

Cupid Stunt: Cricket Movie

Frank Carson In Court (for telling Irish jokes in a restricted area)

Marcel Wave: 'Close your eyes and think of me�'

Final Link: 'I'm just here for the money'

Post-credits: Geriatric BBC Boardroom ('I think he's gone'/'Who?'/'What?')

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY Lionel Blair, Frank Carson, Adam Faith, Sheila Steafel, Terry Wogan

[NOTES: 'The Custard Stops At Hatfield' features an edited transcript from a restaurant conversation twixt Everett, Cryer and Cameron in which the 'Head of Folding Chairs At The BBC' joke is discussed, embryonically.

Re: the many bed-jokes - apparently Ray Cameron continually wrote lots of bedroom quickies for Everett and Rocos in a vain attempt to cure Kenny of his gayness.]

Joan Of Arc on Aeroplane ('This is a no-smoking area�')

Titles: 'The Kenny Everett Show is on the air'

Link 1: 'Topical and up-to-date in a very out of touch sort of way�'

Hopelessly incorrect weatherman

TV Chef, tilted up by woman hoovering under telly

Taxi Driver with James Hunt and some pirhanas

Link 2: Susan George 1

Morris Minor: draws a flower

British Airways ad parody ('We'll take more fares from you�')

Billy Connolly at the door: 'Yes?'

Link 3: Susan George 2

Deliberately Clumsy waitress ('service aint included')

Cupid Stunt: 'The Axe Murderer Always Rings Twice'

Indian Man Takes Off Turban (his head is the same shape)

Joan of Arc in restaurant (Stake is underdone)

Gizzard Puke: Goldfish

Marcel Wave: comments on Gizzard Puke

Two Janet Street Porters (Kenny and Pamela Stephenson)

Services � Mile (Ho ho � it's that sort of 'service'�)

Enormous Budgie eats Kenny

Link 4: Susan George 3

Joan of Arc in Restaurant 2 ('We get a lot of this sort of joke in here�')

Link 5: Reading paper � Russian Submarine

Guest Stars: Chas & Dave � 'Aint No Pleasing You'

Fulcrum: Interview with anonymous Mafia head ('So, tell me, Mr Falutsi�')

Morris Minor: draws weight

Cupid Stunt: chats with Michael Winner

Sid Snot: Weak Stomach

Joan of Arc In Restaurant 3 ('This stake is dreadful')

Sherlock Holmes ('The fog's coming up')

Insect House Quickie ('Your flies are open')

Sherlock Holmes 2 ('Sorry about the F in Fog')

Newsdesk sign-off (newsreaders canoodling on desk)

Final Link: Closing country song

Post-credits: Susan George completely pissed off

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY Billy Connolly, Susan George, James Hunt, Lulu, Sheila Steafel, Pamela Stephenson, Michael Winner

Kenny and Lulu (her dressing room is also the toilet)

Titles: 'The Kenny Everett Show is on the air�'

Link 1: A second Kenny talks over the first

Volkswagen ad parody (car falls through floor)

Gizzard Puke: Car accident

Abba: 'Kenny Everett asked us to be on his show tonight but we said no�'

Morris Minor: draws shirt, puts it on

Escort Agency (beautiful woman left on the shelf � Bob Geldof cameos)

Multipart ad (body-part supermarket � Noel Edmonds cameos)

Fulcrum: TV discussion � male participees seriously rattled by Cleo Rocos' breasts ('haven't you ever seen a pair of knockers before?')

Marcel Wave: 'Duracell battery on legs'

Russian Cossacks

Abba: 'And now, this�'

Couple breaking up

Spots Cleared Up, thanks to 'Angela'

Interview with Cannon & Ball as two priests (homoerotic innuendo-sodden)

Volkswagen ad parody 2 (car falls on presenter)

Cupid Stunt: 'Bloodbath At The Hillbilly Carwash'

Abba: 'And now, something else�'

Marcel Wave: 'Have It Away Days'

Translation (English to Russian via Scots patois)

Link 2: Syndrums

Guest Star: Lulu: 'Who's Fooling Who'

Top Of The Pops � chart rundown/Shirley Williams 'Waiting For The Hairdresser'

Russian Cossacks 2

Final Link: Compilation of all the final closing links

Post-credits: Abba ('What is this show we're watching..?')

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Abba, Cannon & Ball, Billy Connolly, Noel Edmonds, Judy Geeson, Bob Geldof, Susan George, Sheila Steafel

PHILLIP Knock it off with the waving business.

QUEEN One is merely clearing the smoke. What's that you've got there, darling?

PHILLIP A UB40.

QUEEN Isn't that a pop group?

PHILLIP No. It's an unemployment benefit. We'll be signing on tomorrow.

QUEEN (Distraught) It's come to this has it? The Labour Exchange. And me, a Queen!

PHILLIP It's alright � there'll be lots of actors there, we'll be quite at home. Now, let me see� Name�

QUEEN Elizabeth Regina.

PHILLIP No no no, that's under 'also known as'.

QUEEN Oh.

PHILLIP Elizabeth Alexandra Mary�Windsor.

QUEEN I remember, yes.

PHILLIP And now, 'Occupation'?

QUEEN Monarch?

PHILLIP No. No, no no. I know. Good at waving.

QUEEN You can't put that down as an occupation, Phillip.

PHILLIP Well what else do you do, dear?

QUEEN (Pause) Oh yes, I suppose I am rather good at waving.

PHILLIP Now, 'Did you leave your former employment voluntarily or were you dismissed or were you made redundant?'

QUEEN (Angrily) I was humiliated by your son and you know it!

PHILLIP He's your son too.

QUEEN Oh brilliant! We spotted that, did we?

PHILLIP Now don't you get upset with me.

QUEEN Well it's just not good enough. He made his opening speech in Parliament and never mentioned my name once. And her! You'd think she'd show some gratitude. Who was it who took her out of that nursery school and made her what she is today? Us!

PHILLIP Speak of the devil � here they come now, down the mall!

QUEEN And in my favourite coach! I can't bear it any longer!

PHILLIP Oh no no no, dear, you mustn't�it's no use, no no no�

QUEEN Oh yes, just watch me, buster!

PHILLIP I've never seen tomato on taffeta before.

QUEEN Well, it might catch on, you never know (giggles).

PHILLIP Good shot aren't you.

The show features a similar intro-style to the second Television Show series. It's a straight stand-up show, linked with little cutaway sketches and bar-dialogues (an idea later ripped off by Garry Bushell for an excruciating one-off variety show he once did). A lot of the latter are purely visual and, since we don't have the video, we can't explain them�

Kenny Intro - 'There was this cunt with big tits�'

(cutaway jokes)

John Junkin

(cutaway jokes)

Kenny link: nun joke/Gizzard Puke

Lenny Bennett

(cutaway joke/jingle: 'Now it is time for a break�')

Pat Mooney

Jingle: 'I've never said a naughty word�'

(cutaway joke)

Barry Cryer

(cutaway jokes)

Some fucker

Jingle: 'The Kenny Everett Naughty Joke Box'

Pat Mooney

Willy Rushton

(cutaway jokes)

Kenny link ('This geezer was sitting on a train�')

(cutaway joke)

Fogwell Flax

(cutaway jokes)

Kenny link

Jingle: It's so nasty, it's so rude�'

Lenny Bennett

Jingle: The Kenny Everett Naughty Joke Box'

Kenny's final link

Kenny Young � 'I Like Electro People' (incomplete)