VOX POP 2
The war crimes. I remember them.

VOX POP 3
Great days. They should bring it back

Cut toGOERRING, in a similar setting to Hitler.

GOERRING
I think it was all my idea, actually (Laughs annoyingly) Sorry everyone!

CAPTION: ‘THE SECOND WORLD WAR: BEYOND A JOKE?’

Cut back to young academic chap.

CAPTION: ‘RICHARD FORTUNE: HISTORIAN’

HISTORIAN
It’s interesting, looking at the Second World War now...with the benefit of hindsight... It’s amazing, actually, how little of it works today.

HITLER
It all started with me invading Poland in...1939, I think it was. I’d always practised war on the other kids at school to avoid getting beaten up.

HIMMLER Adolf and I used to hang out at a little club in Camden, just above a curry house. We’d start ad-libbing a few battle tactics, discussing racial hatred and so on...just like we’d done in Footlights, really. Weird days. We got some pretty strange looks, as I remember.

HITLER Me and Himmler were the guys, really. I mean it sounds odd saying that now, but what we were trying to do was to...start a war on our terms.

Cut to BEN ELTON, sat at his kitchen table. In the background is an open fridge, housing a solitary sausage. His swing-top bin has many bin-liners around it. There is a dartboard with Margaret Thatcher’s face on it. He is trying to open a tub of milk

BEN ELTON
I remember when I was a kid...I couldn’t wait for them to come on. I mean, I had all the albums. But it was (Milk sprays over him)...oh shit.

Cut to BILLY CONNOLLY, wearing incontinence knickers. He has a radio that appears to be covered in muesli.

CONNOLLY
I loved those guys. ‘Sieg heil’ and all that. Great, y’know? I love that stuff.

Cut to EDDIE IZZARD. In the background is some elaborate diagram explaining the difference between cats and dogs, and a rack of dresses.

Cut to SLOBODAN MILOSOVIC (Stock film)

MILOSOVIC
(Dubbed) You see, wars are all about timing. And they’re essentially based on cruelty.

Cut to GENERAL PINOCHET (Stock film)

PINOCHET
(Dubbed) They influenced me a great deal. It harks back to a vision of the world that never really existed.

Cut to Saddam Hussein (Stock film)

SADDAM
(Dubbed) Well, you either get it or you don’t.

HITLER
I remember the pilot...good God. It had a completely different cast...

Stock film of dogs yelping in a pound

CAPTION: ‘WORLD WAR 2 - UNTRANSMITTED PILOT (1938)’

GOERRING
And thankfully it was shelved. I’m not sure where they are now. (Laughs annoyingly) Sorry guys!

HITLER
Our portrayal of women was always criticised. For example, the women in the war were either screechy old Vera Lynn types...or they were blonde glamour girls, like that niece I killed. And one wouldn’t necessarily get away with that now. But...it was of its time.

HIMMLER
We did the last series without Hitler, as I recall...me and Goerring were going off in different directions. Adolf, y’see, was getting a lot of stand-up work at that time.

Cut to a video sleeve reading ‘HITLER: SLIGHTLY NAUGHTY’; mix through to stock film of Hitler orating at Nuremberg

SUBTITLES:

‘Vhy do ze mobile phone companies always send you ze itemised bill?’

‘Vhat’s that all about?’

‘Vhen I’m throwing up after a couple of pints, I don’t send zem an itemised kebab.’

‘M’girlfriend actually said that I don’t pay her enough attention. At least I think zat’s vhat she said.’

‘Vhat about these Teletubbies then eh?’

Stock film freezes

HITLER (V/O)
I don’t regret those times. I certainly don’t regret the money! But seriously, I just...I just wish it hadn’t taken so much out of me, that’s all. But that’s war.

Cut to mute shots, of interviewees à la ‘Rock Family Trees’:

Cut to Goerring

CAPTION: ‘Goerring has retired’

Cut to Himmler

CAPTION: ‘Himmler is the new presenter of ‘The Big Breakfast’.

Cut to Hitler

CAPTION: ‘Hitler still works for Avalon’.

Cut to poppy field

CAPTION: ‘The war dead are currently working in their home studios’