SOTCAA

Extra material written while you read - for extra topicality.

MIKE4
Good evening, I’m Mike.

JOE4
And I’m Joe.

MIKE4
Our topical routine this time is about something that concerns us all.

JOE4
No it doesn’t, it’s the Arms To Iraq affair.

MIKE4
Shhh. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are only three basic jokes in the world: people falling over, the sound of someone farting in assembly, and the fact that we hypocritically criticise the regimes of Middle East dictators despite the fact that it was us who sold them their nuclear weapons in the first place.

JOE4
Yes, ha bloody ha.

MIKE4
No, listen Joe. You see, we intervene in the affairs of Saddam Hussein, holding ourselves up as moral arbiters of peace despite the fact that he bought his nuclear weapons from us!

JOE4
I know.

MIKE4
Us, Joe, us!

JOE4
Yes, we all know. It’s not even a topical issue any more.

MIKE4
It doesn’t matter, it cracks me up every time. But it also makes me very angry.

JOE4
Angry?

MIKE4
Yes. You see we INTERVENE in the affairs of Saddam Hussein, holding ourselves up as moral arbiters of peace, despite the fact that he bought his nuclear weapons from us! Us, Joe, us! I can hardly sleep at night. Grrr.

JOE4
So you’ve just repeated exactly the same sentence in both a sarcastic and an angry voice. What does that prove?

MIKE4
It proves we’re hypocrites.

JOE4
Who are hypocrites?

MIKE4
Us, Joe, us!

JOE4
Who are ‘us’?

MIKE4
The people.

JOE4
The people? Look, the only person who’s ever managed to do a funny routine about the Arms To Iraq affair was Bill Hicks. Just leave it.

MIKE4
Oh yes, the late great Bill Hicks. ‘Non-smokers die every day!’ Terrific stuff. Of course he died, didn’t he? Of lung cancer, brought on by smoking!!!!!!!!!

JOE4
Why did you put so many exclamation marks at the end of that last sentence?

MIKE4
I was trying to convey the irony that, despite telling everyone that smoking was really great, he died of lung cancer.

JOE4
And you conveyed that irony with eight exclamation marks?

MIKE4
Yes.

JOE4
Well your irony is flawed, anyway. First of all, he gave up smoking about a year before he died - which, although doubly ironic, doesn’t make your observation any less original or suitable for humour. Secondly, he never told everyone that smoking was great - if anything, his routine satirised the piety of those who blinkeredly evangelise upon any political issue for their own ends. And thirdly, he died of pancreatic cancer - an entirely unrelated condition.

MIKE4
It still makes me laugh.

JOE4
What, a man in the prime of his life dying of a horrible disease?

MIKE4
Yes, it’s hilarious. But we’re getting off the point.

JOE4
Which is?

MIKE4 The fact that we intervene in the affairs of SADDAM Hussein, holding ourselves up as moral arbiters of peace despite the fact that HE BOUGHT HIS NUCLEAR WEAPONS FROM US!!!!!!!!!!! US, Joe. US!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE4
Yes, like you give a toss.

MIKE4
I do give a toss, Joe. You see, we intervene...

JOE4
Shut up! You didn’t give a toss when the story was actually topical. About seven bastard years ago.

MIKE4
Well. I was busy.

JOE4
Busy writing stuff about the sodding Miner's Strike, no doubt.

MIKE4
Yeah, well, at least I had a go. I didn't just sit on my arse whining. And where's your topical cartoon?

JOE4
Oh silly me, yes. Here you go.

MIKE4
Oh now that's just childish!
JOE4
Good one to end on though. G'night.
MIKE4
I mean, for heaven's sakes!

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LET'S LIE!
THIS WEEK: MONTY PYTHON

"'Of course, when you look back at the TV series only about 23% of it was actually any good. For every Dead Parrot there's an awful lot of rubbish. I always preferred Richard Pryor."

"They're just mad, really. Although it always strikes me as odd that, when you look back on the original series only some of it still stands up. Probably, only 23% of it was any good. Of course, American comedy is basically much better. Stuff like Richard Pryor, who I always preferred anyway. In a way."

"'We're all big fans - though not to anorak levels, we hope! We try and deliberately get the names of sketches wrong so we don't appear too sad. Besides, when you look back you realise that it was rubbish really. None of it stands up, it was far too much of its time and has dated really badly. Only, ooh I dunno, about 23% was any good. You don't get that with Richard Pryor."

"'It was actually extraordinarily racist and sexist for its time. They were very bad at writing parts for women. And only 23% of the sketches were really topical enough for today. It really doesn't represent the multicultural Britain of the 90s. Did they do the thing with the parrot? I never actually watched it myself, but Kelly used to tell me about it at break. Bring back Richard Pryor, whoever he is. And, of course, Life Of Brian which is…their classic really"

"I hated Life Of Brian. I thought the parts for women were atrocious. Only about 23% of it was any good. Richard Pryor did all that stuff much better."

Anyway, my round I think. What are you all having?

No, it's alright, I'll get these. Lager for you, right? Arabella? Lager?

Ooh, yes please. Splash of lime in that too. What about you lot?

Lagers all round, cheers. Tell you what, get a few bottles of wine or something, we'll stick it on our tab.

And get some crisps, yeah? Salt and vinegar if they've got them.

Just a mineral water for me, lads. I'm driving.