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with Nev Fountain |  |
Rule 1: REMEMBER - COMEDY IS TOOF
It’s very toof. It’s the toofest
thing known to man. People have died writing comedy, and I should
know. You really have no idea quite how toof it is until you get out
there. It’s a jungle. A toof jungle. And the toofest thing
(Get on with it - Ed). Anyway, it’s toof. That’s
what I’m saying.
Rule 2: DON’T WATCH ANY GOOD
COMEDY.
It’ll only make you depressed, and make
more work for you. Remember - they can’t accuse you of nicking
stuff if you never heard it in the first place!
Rule 3: STUDY RADIO AND TV CELEBS CLOSELY.
Keep your eye on the media and make a
note of their mannerisms in a jotter or log-book. You can use two
different columns if you like - ‘CELEB’ in one column
and ‘MANNERISM’ in another. Here, published for the
first time, is an exclusive extract from my own jotter or
log-book:
Now you can really see how an episode of Dead Ringers takes shape.
RULE 4: REMEMBER - IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER IF THE SHOW IS ANY GOOD OR NOT.
What’s really important is that you get to pilot your own stuff in the future and can go down the pub with Bill Dare.
RULE 5: GOING DOWN THE PUB WITH BILL DARE
This is an integral part of the creative process. It just is.
RULE 6: GET THE VOICES RIGHT
Here is a list of the people we can do, although they should be name-checked at the start of each sketch so the plebs know who they’re supposed to be. But remember to be subtle!
William Hague from the Conservative Party
Jeremy Paxman from the news
Dr Who from Dr Who
Anne Robinson
The Pope
Most weather forecasters (Not Bill Giles)
Suits you sir / Only me / Young man / The DJs
Brian Perkins/Charlotte Green (NB: The real ones are available)
Danger Mouse
Timothy Claypole
Mr Benn
Scoobie Doo
The Clangers
Women
Nev’s mate Steve
What we sound like normally
RULE 7: DEALING WITH CRITICS
If there's one thing that gets my goat, it's 'the miserable brigade'. Yes, that's my name for the moaning minority who are never satisfied with what comedy has to offer, but rather than actually WRITE SOME COMEDY OF THEIR OWN (hey, too much like hard work guys?) are content to attack and ridicule the work of us *real* comedy writers.
Criticicism is just plain destructive, and should be stamped out. We've all got a job to do, and it's hard enough without people continually pointing out how bad our scripts are. I mean, if they were that bad, what are they doing on Radio 4? Answer me that.
That said, some criticism can be very helpful and valid. Take for example this email, from aspiring Dead Ringers writer Matt Mattyson:
>Hi Nev - great to hear you on DR again, where you belong! Nice to hear you really laying into Jamie Oliver - I hear he's a fan of the show, so I expect he won't mind too much! Everything you write is really funny. My only complaint (forgive me!) is that you only get a 30% commission. Couldn't they arrange it so that the whole of the show is written by you and you alone? It would be greatly improved as a result (if that's possible!!!). Anyway, thanks again, and keep up the good work! Please find enclosed an attachment featuring some stuff I've written - it's kind of a British version of The Onion only a lot darker. Any advice would be appreciated - and perhaps you could show them to Mario when he has a spare minute?
Cheers. Matt.
Matt is quite right, of course. I was able to use what he had suggested and have now acquired a 85% commision on the next series of Dead Ringers (or 'DR' as we now call it - thanks for the acronym, Matt!). This has meant that I've finally been able to move out of Leytonstone and buy that blender I wanted.
RULE 7: NO, ACTUALLY THAT’S IT
So let’s put our plan into action. Here’s what I would deem a ‘perfect’ Dead Ringers sketch - written, on this occasion, by me.
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FX: DOOR
OPENS
WILLIAM HAGUE ANNE
ROBINSON DR
WHO CHARLIE
DIMMOCK JEREMY
PAXMAN BRIAN
PERKINS CHARLOTTE
GREEN DALE
WINTON ROBIN
COOK WILLIAM
HAGUE FX: DOOR CLOSES |
Pretty impressive, eh? Incidentally, if you can't think of any actual material, just get your characters to recite inappropriate song lyrics. This works particularly well if they're a bit posh. A word of warning - it's advisable to use 'If you think I'm sexy and you want my body, come on honey tell me so' a maximum of eight times in each show. Any more than this and it kills the comedy stone dead, believe me.'
There’s also the classic prank ‘Dr Who’ phone calls, which display John Culshaw’s improvisational genius like nothing else. Here’s my personal favourite (I devised the outline):
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FX: PHONE RINGS
BBC RECEPTIONIST
CULSHAWE
BBC RECEPTIONIST CULSHAWE BBC
RECEPTIONIST CULSHAWE BBC
RECEPTIONIST CULSHAWE BBC
RECEPTIONIST CULSHAWE BBC
RECEPTIONIST CULSHAWE |
That final line creases me up every time!
Writing for Dead Ringers isn’t a bed of roses, but it has its perks. The BBC offers an excellent pension scheme and all the beer you can drink (which, if you’re William Hague, is very good news!). So think on.
to select NEV press 5
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