FX: APPLAUSE
CENTURIAN
Good evening. Welcome to the Colloseum! Well, you�ve made the first mistake of the evening - you�ve applauded the producer! Which is, ha ha, completely pointless. So unless you want hard cash or sexual favours, ha ha, save your applause for all the talented people you�re gonna see tonight. And if you feel the need to heckle them or throw some rotten fruit...then that�s fine by me, ha ha. Anyone been to a colloseum before?
FX: SILENCE
CENTURIAN
Good. Anyone...seen a lion before, ha ha? No? Good! People very much on the ball here tonight, then. That�s good. On with the show. Now I�ve gotta start with a few safety precautions. This big lion here (FX: ROAR) will be sweeping across you at various points during the show. So it�s best to remain seated. In other words, don�t decide to invent the Mexican wave halfway through! Or you may well end up being beheaded yourself. And we don�t want that - not until we�ve finished the series anyway!!!
AUDIENCE
Get on with it, etc.
CENTURIAN
OK. So will you please welcome the very funny, Mr Pontius Nearlydeadicus...
APPLAUSE
CENTURIAN
And, causung mayhem as ever...some lions!
APPLAUSE / ROARS
CENTURIAN
OK, on with the fun. Now remember, we’re doing two shows tonight, so let’s keep it moving. In the interval, we’ll be serving...I dunno, ye olde Roman wine or something. Catch you la...
FX: CLICK
JOSEPH
Mike, what the cock was that?
MIKE
You didn't like it then?
JOSEPH
Look, I’ll put the kettle on, yeah?
MIKE
I just thought it was quite a nice idea. A Roman colloseum show, done in the style of a BBC Radio recording.
JOSEPH
Yeah, well, I might have found it funny, if I’d never heard any comedy in my life before ever.
[JOSEPH EXITS]
MIKE
Do you think that's the sort of audience we should be aiming at then? Rich?
EVANS
[SNORING]
MIKE
Rich!
EVANS
Uh?
MIKE
That sketch - it wasn�t that bad was it?
EVANS
Uhhhh...what day am I?
MIKE
Never mind.
[JOSEPH RE-ENTERS]
JOSEPH
Cups, Mikey?
MIKE
Under the sofa. See, I thought you might laugh or something.
JOSEPH
Well I nearly did. But then you had a character called Pontius Nearlydeadicus.
MIKE
Oh but that was a parody of crap comedy-writing.
JOSEPH
Yeah, written by a cr...oh, it doesn�t matter. Is Rich still asleep?
MIKE
He might as well be.
JOSEPH
Well, bung the telly on.
MIKE
Hmm
FX: TV CLICK
ANNOUNCER
You�re watching BBC2.
MIKE
Cor, it started immediately. Almost like a comedy sketch.
JOSEPH
Yeah. And they left a gap for us to point that out.
ANNOUNCER
As I said, you�re watching BBC2...
MIKE / JOSEPH
Cor!
ANNOUNCER
Shhh! And now it�s time to devote the rest of the evening to Nothing Night. A unique celebration of the history of absolutely nothing in popular culture.
MIKE
Shall I draw the curtains?
JOSEPH
Yeah, I would.
MIX THROUGH:
ANNOUNCER
In a couple of minutes, we look at Derek Jarman�s use of nothing in those films he did. At nine thirty, Richard E. Grant talks about how growing a giant boil on your neck when you work in advertising gives us a very real glimpse into absolutely nothing at all. Then, at ten past ten, Tracy Macleod and Mark Lawson discuss society�s obsession with nothing, and what this says about us as we enter the millennium. At twelve-oh-five, Modern Times looks at nothing. And then, at midnight, our big film: Reservoir Dogs. So, to kick off our look at nothing, here�s your host - Eddie Izzard!
IZZARD
Mm. Oh. Ah. Yes. Mm. Nothing. Well. Hmm. Here�s the first programme.
VOICE
Derek Jarman has been dead for four years. But, for many, this has meant his greatest achievement of all - the production of nothing. This work, which is neither a painting, a film, a play or a book, and cannot be seen, smelt, touched, licked or written about pompously in style magazines, is his greatest and perhaps most accessible work. Nothing began production when Jarman died. His biographer, Owen Paul explains:
OWEN PAUL
Essentially, the work he produced when alive was limited by one fundamental thing - it existed. What Derek really wanted to do was to create something that wasn�t creatable. In this regard, nothing was his most beautiful work.
POMPOUS
You see, artists are always on the look out for things. Whereas what they ought to be looking for is the absence of things. Take excrement, for example...
DIRECTOR
Right, OK. That�s a rap. Everyone coming down the pub?
CREW
Mmm, etc.
DIRECTOR
OK.
FADE OUT
FADE IN. BAR ATMOS
DIRECTOR
I�ll have two pints of that, one pint of that, and an Archer�s and lemonade.
BARMAID
Ice?
DIRECTOR
Yes please.
MAN
Icy as ever, John?
DIRECTOR
I don�t believe it! Long time no...since I�ve seen you. Mate.
MAN
What you doing?
DIRECTOR
Oh, just been doing a film about nothing.
MAN
Really? I�ve just spent an hour on the tube, frowning.
DIRECTOR
Well, you know what they say.
MAN
No, what?
DIRECTOR
Exactly. Another pint please love.
MAN
Anyway, it�s nice to unwind.
DIRECTOR
Oh yes. Unwind, yes. Mmm. [PAUSE] Hang on...is this scene written by Harry Enfield?
MAN
What?
DIRECTOR
This whole scene sounds suspiciously like Harry Enfied to me. Y�know, with his bloody �ear for dialogue�.
MAN
Are you feeling OK?
DIRECTOR
No, actually. I�m off home. See you... What was your name again?
MAN
�Man�.
DIRECTOR
Oh yeah. See you around, Man.
MAN
Groovy, baby.
GRAMS: SITAR STING
FX: DOOR CLOSING
MAN
Tchah. Some people
SOME PEOPLE
Yes?
CLICK
JOSEPH
[SINGING] We’re waiting for a bus, we’re waiting for a bus...
MIKE
Tell them what we’re up to.
JOSEPH
Well, we’re going into Talkback Productions, and we’re going to try and sell this radio script to them.
MIKE
Have you got the photocopies?
JOSEPH
They’re right here. Don’t show them to anyone until we’ve got talking though.
MIKE
Why not?
JOSEPH
Well it just seems a bit self-important.
MIKE
Joe, you'd worry that your balls were too self-important if they weren't glued inside your trousers.
JOSEPH
What are you trying to say?
MIKE
I just reckon we should push ourselves a bit more that's all.
JOSEPH
Cool. We could be the new Salt N' Pepa. Hang on, where’s Rich?
MIKE
Ah, well he hasn’t spoken much because I’m writing this scene, and I’m rubbish at writing his parts. I think it's the class difference.
JOSEPH
In what sense?
MIKE
Well speaking as a nice middle-class Jew from the suburbs there's no way I could ever know the true meaning of suffering, whereas Rich is a salt of the Earth good honest bloke with no emotional hang-ups and plenty of women. How could I possibly encapture the complexities of his persona when I've not never read none Roddy Doyles.
PAUSE
JOSEPH
Was that honesty or satire?
EVANS
No, it was me in fact. I took over the writing just after the line about the class thing. Sorry about that. I was just bored. Wake me up when we're famous yeah?
MIKE
We’ve got to discipline ourselves. Y’know, we’ve gotta become seasoned comedy writers, capable of writing topical jokes at will.
JOSEPH
Yeah, but it's not easy.
MIKE
Yes it is. Listen to this.
CLICK
GRAMS: SITCOM MUSIC
VOICE-OVER
And now...Celebrity Breakfasts. Number one - Jeremy Paxman.
MRS PAXMAN
Breakfast will be ready in a minute, dear.
JEREMY PAXMAN
Come on, come on! You haven’t got all night!
VOICE-OVER
Number two - Barry Norman.
MRS NORMAN
Would you like a boiled egg, dear?
BARRY NORMAN
Yes, please. And why not?
VOICE-OVER
Number three - Donald Sinden.
MRS SINDEN
Here’s your breakfast, dear.
DONALD SINDEN
Hmm, I’d prefer a knighthood.
VOICE-OVER
Number four - Cecil Parkinson.
MRS PARKINSON
Where’s the breakfast, dear?
CECIL PARKINSON
Sorry, darling, I had sex with it.
VOICE-OVER
Number five - Salmon Rushdie.
MRS RUSHDIE
Toast’s ready, dear! Salmon? Where are you?
SALMON RUSHDIE
Psst! I’m under the table!
FX: CLICK
MIKE
See? Absolutely terrible, but people get paid good money for it.
JOSEPH
Hmm.
MIKE
You see, Donald Sinden was actually knighted in 1993. But nobody noticed, so the joke still stands.
JOSEPH
And Cecil Parkinson?
MIKE
Well, that joke is based solely on the fact that Cecil Parkinson had sex once.
JOSEPH
I still can�t bring myself to do it.
MIKE
Salmon Rushdie has had his fatwa removed...
JOSEPH
Ooh, painful. Yeah, but...oh, I don�t know.
MIKE
That�s the trouble with you, Joe - you think comedy has to be good.
JOSEPH
I make no apologies for that.
MIKE
Anyway, here�s a sketch set on public transport.
JOSEPH
No there bloody well isn�t.
GRAMS: BIG DEAL MUSIC
VOICE-OVER
Fed up of seeing the same faces every day? Wish you could meet a plethora of interesting people in a compressed space? Tired of sketches that start like this? Then travel on the London Underground. As part of our Statement Of Promises 1998, we will ensure that every tube carriage has at least three of the following stereotypes:
WOMAN
A man wishing he hadn�t bought the Evening Standard!
MAN
A Japanese student wearing Sean Lennon spectacles!
WOMAN
Seven Italian students weraring Sean Lennon spectacles!
MAN
Seven Japanese Sean Lennon fans looking a complete spectacle!
WOMAN
Sean Lennon!
MAN
A rabbi!
WOMAN
An erudite tramp!
MAN
A not-so-erudite tramp!
WOMAN
A fat man in trainers!
MAN
Three West Indian women looking depressed!
WOMAN
A beautiful woman with an ugly boyfriend!
MAN
A little girl with a mother pissed up on Special Brew!
WOMAN
And Ben Elton!
BEN ELTON
[IN BACKGROUND] Double seat, double seat, gotta get a double seat...
VOICE-OVER
Yes, meet all of the above people - take a good look at them, and then ignore them completely until you reach Golders Green. Travel on the London Underground. Because we�re what make London tick...ticks.
GRAMS ENDS
VOICE-OVER
Sorry, the end bit didn�t sound quite right.
STUDIO VOICE
No, it�s OK. More cocaine?
VOICE-OVER
No thanks. I�m going to stick my knob in a Hoover.
FX: CLICK
JOSEPH
[SINGING, TO THE STANGLERS TUNE] Golders Green...la la la la-la...
EVANS
But I should explain, listeners, that Joseph doesn�t always sing Stranglers tunes on the tube.
JOSEPH
Not always Rich, no.
EVANS
Y�know, sometimes it�s a bit of Sham 69, sometimes a bit of early Mahler. The other day it was Julie Driscoll and the Brian Auger Trinity.
JOSEPH
I like to keep everyone pleased. Don�t I Mike?
MIKE
What?
JOSEPH
Rich was just saying...I�m a man for all seasons.
EVANS
Did I? Well let's wind it back and find out.
FX: CLICK TAPE WIND
EVANS
(CRACKLY) The thing about Joseph, see is he's a man for all seasons.
MIKE
We ought to be familiarising ourselves with this treatment. Not pissing about.
JOSEPH
Treatment?
EVANS
Pissing about?
MIKE
Yeah. And I notice I�m the only one of us who�s bothered to wear a tie.
JOSEPH
Mike, I don�t own a tie. I used to work for the BBC, remember? If you want a tie, you have to knit one yourself from the dried fat of old director generals.
EVANS
Well that�s not strictly true, is it? Joseph used to have many ties. But they all disappeared, one by one, during the �Geraint Jones Incident� of 1992.
JOSEPH
Oh don�t, Rich. Your mother still hasn�t forgiven me.
MIKE
Look, what are you talking about? We�re nearly at Hampstead now. Can't you at the very least save all your in-character whimsy until after we've gotten through this meeting?
JOSEPH
Would you actually say it like that, Mike?
MIKE
What?
JOSEPH
Well, the thing is, we're on a tube remember. Our conversation has to be clipped and punchy. You can't write yourself long erudite soliloqueys. It just doesn't sound natural.
MIKE
Right. Gotcha. No cleverstuffs.
TUBE HALTS
TUBE VOICE
This is Hampstead. Change here for...oh, sorry.
JOSEPH
Hey, Rich, wouldn�t it be great if, when the train stopped at Hampstead, a load of hamsters got on?
EVANS EXPLODES INTO GIGGLES.
JOSEPH
Oh, dear.
EVANS
Anyway, the tie thing is only the tip of the iceberg. Joseph also used to have several pairs of shoes. He was the Imelda Marcos of the Valley Line. And, in particular, he had a pair of shoes which purported to be brown...
JOSEPH
They didn�t purport to be brown - they were brown.
EVANS
And for years, I never thought anything of it. I�d go round to Joe�s flat - TV, freezer, a copy of �The Man Who Sold The World�...Joseph�s brown shoes. And then, one day, Joseph happened to use the phrase �my orange shoes�. And I could never view them in the same way again.
JOSEPH
You couldn�t. It affected you quite deeply.
EVANS
You know, it�s like one of those 3-D illusions which shows a vase that looks like an old woman. One moment, vase...next moment, old woman. And no matter how much I tried to tell myself the shoes were brown, it would only be a matter of seconds before they were orange again.
JOSEPH
Your father had much the same problem with those Magic Eye pictures he found.
EVANS
My mother gave him short shrift.
JOSEPH
She usually does.
EVANS
�David, I work in an old people�s home - I haven�t got time for 3-D illusions...�
TUBE VOICE
This is Goodge Street. Change here for absolutely nothing at all.
JOSEPH
Christ, a sarcastic tube train. Whatever next?
MIKE
Oi, enough Young Ones humour. We need to be original.
JOSEPH
Oh bog off, Nazi!
EVANS
Thing is, right, you'd think really that Christopher Ryan was pretty much a peripheral player in the media, but in fact it's his dried spunk that holds television together...[FADE]
TELEPHONE RINGS
BUSINESSMAN
Hello? You’ve got a video of the birth of Christ? Hmm, that could be quite interesting. I’ll give my people a ring. Speak to you later.
PUTS PHONE DOWN. PRESSES INTERCOM.
BUSINESSMAN
Mrs Clara, could you send Alan in here a second?
WOMAN
Certainly, Mr 1970.
BUSINESSMAN
(SHAKING HEAD) Hmm.
KNOCK AT DOOR.
BUSINESSMAN
Come in!
ALAN ENTERS
BUSINESSMAN
Alan, take a seat.
ALAN
Thanks.
BUSINESSMAN
Cocaine?
ALAN
Just had some.
BUSINESSMAN
Knob in a Hoover?
Trying to give it up.
BUSINESSMAN
Coffee?
ALAN
Keep your voice down!
BUSINESSMAN
Sorry. Anyway, Alan, big news - we’ve found someone with a video of the birth of Christ. This could be big, Alan, and I’m not talking about a Ben Elton metaphor.
ALAN
I see.
BUSINESSMAN
So Alan, you’re in charge of our video division. How about a nice sell-through release before Christmas? ‘The Birth Of Christ - Plus Unseen Footage’.
ALAN
Well, that’s a bit difficult. A video of the birth of Christ is tempting, but we were planning to release the new sereies of ‘Whoops! Clive Anderson’ next week. We can’t have both.
BUSINESSMAN
But this is a landmark event. The most important historical document we will ever see. Our fore fathers would never forgive us.
ALAN
But the interview Clive does with that ginger bloke from the Liberal Democrats is very funny.
BUSINESSMAN
Alan, this puts to rest years of turmoil. Wars will end, religious differences will be put aside. It’s a video of the birth of Christ - it must be released!
ALAN
Yes, but the ginger bloke says ‘the Liberal Democrats conference was last week’, and Clive replies ‘what, all three of you?’. It was very amusing, sir.
BUSINESSMAN
For heaven's sakes, man, I...
FX: KNOCK ON THE DOOR
BUSINESSMAN
Come in.
THREE MEN ENTER
MIKE
Er, sorry to interrupt. This is Talkback, right?
BUSINESSMAN
No, this is Hat Trick. You want room 13b - just along the corridor there
EVANS
Psst. Ask him where the bogs are.
BUSINESSMAN
15a - with the gold plaque.
OMNES
Cheers.
FX: DOOR SLAM
FADE
TOILET ECHO, SPLASHINGS
MIKE
This is pretty nerve-wracking. Every time we turn a corner I'm convinced I can see some obscure member of the Smack The Pony production crew.
EVANS
Look - it's the drummer from Slowdive.
JOSEPH
It's not so special. At the BBC I saw famous people all the time - the canteen was always full of them.
MIKE
Cor, wouldn't that be brilliant though? Imagine working at the BBC canteen. Sitting there with a little hat on and everything, just manning the till, preparing sandwiches and all that, while TV people just go about their business.
JOSEPH
Yeah.
MIKE
And, y'know, Barry Cryer could just walk in at any given moment, with his hair and glasses and all, and he'd walk up to the counter, flashing that cheeky old grin.
JOSEPH
Uh-huh
MIKE
And he'd say something like 'Oh, good morning, I'll have a coffee and a Chelsea Bun please'. Imagine how great that would be.
JOSEPH
Mmm
MIKE
'Cos then I could say 'FUCK OFF'!
PAUSE
EVANS
I didn't expect that, I have to admit.
MIKE
Well what the fuck has he ever done for me??
JOSEPH
As I was saying though, this is no big deal. It's just business. These people are no different to you or I. Except perhaps Graham Norton - but he doesn't count 'cos he's different to everyone. Just relax and go with it, right?
EVANS
Right.
MIKE
Right
JOSEPH
Okay, men, let's do it.
FX: DOOR OPENING, FOOTSTEPS
JOSEPH
JESUS CHRIST! - LOOK - THERE'S GRIFF RHYS JONES!!! QUICK! EVERYONE DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!
FX: COLLAPSING
PAUSE
JOSEPH
Oh, sorry, it wasn't him after all. It was just a hatstand with a brown duffle hanging off it.
MIKE
You stupid...
GRIFF
No, actually it is me. This is my new character.
EVANS
I'll handle this. Griff, we're totally lost. Tell us us where we need to be..
GRIFF
Ah, you seek guidance. But if I were to map out your lives for you, would that not rob you of your own free will? You must follow your own dreams, your own aspirations, your own heart. Good luck and may the Gods of Good Fortune travel with you all. Goodbye. (ECHO) Goodbyeeeee.
BACKWARDS SITARS, REVERSE WIND
SILENCE, PAUSE
GRIFF
Can you still see me?
MIKE
'Fraid so.
GRIFF
Damn! It hasn't worked! Wardrobe!!
WARDROBE
Yes, Hatstand?
GRIFF
Let's get Chair and Mattress together and have an adventure!
POUFFE
(VOICED BY GRAHAM NORTON) Oooh, can I come too?
GRIFF
Of course you can, Pouffe. Let's ride our bikes to Narnia!
GRAMS: CARTOON MUSIC
EVANS
Oh no - it's 'The All New Adventures Of Furniture'.
JOSEPH / MIKE
Run!!
FX: RECORD SCRAPE
GRAMS: DICK BARTON THEME (2 SECONDS-WORTH)
FX: RECORD SCRAPE
JOSEPH
Really bored with all this now.
MIKE
Yeah, shall we just go?
EVANS
Suits me.
FX: DOOR SLAM
GRIFF
Tchah - well that's just charming. Honestly, you bust a gut trying to bri...
FX: CLICK
MIKE
So, what do you think?
JOSEPH
Well, I was genuinely was bored by the end of it.
EVANS
Me too.
MIKE
Is it just the ending you don't like?
JOSEPH
The beginning isn't so hot either.
EVANS
I was asleep at the start, in fictions, and asleep at the end in reals.
MIKE
Oh for heaven's sa...
FX: CLICK
MIKE
Any views?
JOSEPH
Just bored really.
EVANS
Same here.
FX: CLICK
MIKE
Well?
JOSEPH / EVANS
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored.
FX: CLICK
OMNES
Bored...
