MIKE4
Good evening, I'm Mike.

JOE4
And I am Joe

MIKE4
And this week's topical routine concerns the ordination of women priests.

JOE4
Oh Mike, don't do this to yourself, mate.

MIKE4
What? What's wrong?

JOE4
You wrote this shit in 1992. It's old news. Let it go.

MIKE4
Joe, this topic is more relevant than ever before.

JOE4
How do you make that out?

MIKE4
Because of this story I spotted in the Chalk Farm Gazette last Thursday.

JOE4
Last Thursday?

MIKE4
This Thursday, sorry. This Thursday. And it concerns a woman vicar who has spoken out against a local by-pass. Here, paste it in.

JOE4
Right, so far so good. Now what's this got to do with the ordination of women priests?

MIKE4
It's a woman vicar, Joe.

JOE4
So? A priest isn't the same as a vicar.

MIKE4
Isn't it?

JOE4
No. Women have been vicars for years. They've been priests too, come to mention it.

MIKE4
Well in that case, why is she speaking out?

JOE4
About what?

MIKE4
About the by-pass.

JOE4
Well I don't know, do I? I haven't read the article.

MIKE4
Well that's typical.

JOE4
Mike, how could I read it? You cut it out - look it's there, on the page.

MIKE4
Only the headline, Joe, only the headline.

JOE4
Alright then - how does her speaking out against the by-pass affect the issue of ordaining women priests?

MIKE4
Well I don't know do I?

JOE4
Why's that?

MIKE4
I just told you - I only cut out the headline.

JOE4
Marvellous

MIKE4
All I know is 'Woman vicar speaks out against local by-pass'. It doesn't give me much to go on.

JOE4
Well why mention it then?

MIKE4
I thought it was relevant.

JOE4
Well it isn't, clearly. You're supposed to be doing a topical routine - you haven't even done any jokes yet.

MIKE4
Oh, leave it to me why don't you? Anyway, if you ask me, the Church Of England has made more U-turns on the ordination of women vicars than Mark Thatcher in the desert.

JOE4
You can't use that joke again! It was rubbish the first time.

MIKE4
Shut up.

JOE4
And in any case, you don't ordain vicars - it's priests. And it's the Catholic church that made the U-turns, anyway - not the Church of England. Your joke doesn't even work.

MIKE4
Oh. Well, I don't understand religion.

JOE4
You don't understand jokes either, by the sound of it.

MIKE4
I still think she was right to speak out against the by-pass.

JOE4
I suppose so.

MIKE4
Perhaps that's the Church's next step, since we already have women priests.

JOE4
What, talking about by-passes?

MIKE4
Yes.

JOE4
Well it's good to believe in something.

MIKE4
Mmm. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.