MIKE4
Good evening, I'm Mike.

JOE4
And I'm Joe.

MIKE4
And tonight our topical routine looks at this week's drugs scandal involving a prominent children's TV presenter.

JOE4
Indeed. Sorry, who was this exactly?

MIKE4
Well, nobody specific. You see, I wrote this routine about a year and a half ago, when Johnnie Walker and that bloke from Blue Peter were all over the papers. I'd kinda banked on some other celebrity being exposed in the same way.

JOE4
That's a bit unfortunate.

MIKE4
Yeah. But it doesn't matter, Joe, because everyone at the BBC is on cocaine. Every single one of them.

JOE4
Don't be stupid - you can't say that.

MIKE4
Why not? It's true. Everyone at the BBC takes cocaine. It's a well known fact.

JOE4
How do you know?

MIKE4
I just know.

JOE4
They're all on cocaine?

MIKE4
Every single one of them.

JOE4
What, Carol Smillie? She's on it, is she?

MIKE4
Yes! Why do you think they call her 'Smillie'?

JOE4
Because it's her name. And anyway, cocaine doesn't make you smiley. It's a narcotic.

MIKE4
Shut up. They're all at it, Joe. Michael Buerk - ever wondered why he keeps winking?

JOE4
Winking? That well-known side-effect of cocaine...

MIKE4
And Patrick Moore. He sees stars in more ways than one!

JOE4
In what sense?!

MIKE4
SHUT UP! The point is, every single employee at the BBC is on cocaine.

JOE4
Mike, that's obviously rubbish. If everyone at the BBC was on cocaine, no one would get any work done. All programming would be an inarticulate mess.

MIKE4
An inarticulate mess? Well, that explains...erm...ahh. Mmm...

JOE4
Noel's House Party?

MIKE4
Noel's House Party, yes.

JOE4
Which was axed years ago.

MIKE4
Exactly! Cocaine, you see. Everywhere.

JOE4
Mike, only a very small proportion of an industry like the BBC is dependent upon Class A drugs. It's just a rumour put about by people like Mark Lamarr and Stewart Lee who want to sound cocky and street-wise about something they know nothing about.

MIKE4
Joe, you sound like you're on cocaine at this very minute!

JOE4
No I don't. I sound like a man talking normally. I mean, on what grounds do you base this assumption anyway?

MIKE4
Shut up! It's a well-known fact - everyone at the BBC is on cocaine, just like everyone who works in advertising. In fact, if everyone employed by the BBC and the advertising industry came off cocaine, Colombia's economy would collapse!

JOE4
No it wouldn't. Cocaine-smuggling is illegal - it wouldn't affect the economy.

MIKE4
Are you on drugs, Joe?

JOE4
You've done that joke.

MIKE4
Hmm. That's the topical routine over with, anyway. Cheers, mate.

JOE4
Don't you want to see my topical cartoon?

MIKE4
No, there isn't fucking time. Goodnight everyone.