That's Doctor Whooo to yoooouu. There can't be many 70s children who didn't spend their Saturday evenings behind the sofa watching the thrilling telefantasy show with the daleks.
Well now he's back! The good Doctor has dusted off his long curly scarf and Tardis and is soon to return in a brand new action-packed Hollywood movie.
But who could possibly play Who? With most of the original Whos long since departed and Colin Baker really bloody fat and horrible, who's lined up to play sci-fi's most enduring timelord?
To answer this question we spoke to a gay Northern man with short hair and glasses who was only too happy to talk for ages about his life. "Dr Who is very much the quintessential something or other", he said, between mouthfuls of black pudding and bumming men. "I'll never forget the time I rediscovered 'Genesis Of The Daleks', on the shelf, next to my flatmate's Robert Mapplethorpe retrospective. It was a revelation." The northern man with short hair and glasses remembers the glory days of the show. "It was really odd - I remember this really weird set - all the extras were dressed in glittery suits and were gyrating madly. One character had long furry ear-rings. There were all these lights and weird camera-work and space-age music. Then the Doctor put his arm around Mick Ronson and started singing about a starman. I felt an odd stirring. It was at that point I realised I was definitely gay I think".
So did the northern man with short hair and glasses watch the show behind the sofa like a whole generation of 70s children? He looks puzzled. "No, I found I got a much better view of the TV while sitting on the sofa in fact. Facing forwards."
Doctor Who fandom holds a unique place in popular culture, unrivalled by anything which fails to fall into the strict 'telefantasy' bracket carved in polystyrene stone by a distant cousin of Andrew Pixley. The three main British fanbases boast members from far and beyond, and as might be expected of such a firm devotion, adamantly refuse to speak to one another. The 'Whovians' firmly believe that the show is essentially a satire which uses the unlimited language and mannerisms of robots and aliens to hold up a much-needed mirror to society. The 'Doccies' take a slightly opposing view, suggesting that the show is much more a comic look at history's changes in technology, and thrive on pub conversations and re-enactments of famous scenes, sealed knot-style, in Cornish claypits. The other fanbase is of course the 'Cyberdalek Silurian Exterminate My Tardis Club' (or 'CSLEMTC') whose members paint their arses green, ride around on tinfoil K9s making wanker signals to anyone who works at the BBC, and find the name 'Terrence Dicks' inordinately funny.
Reading matter of Doctor Who fans
The healthy, and at times robust, rivalry between these three fan factions makes for interesting interplay and it was as recent as 1997 when Government troops finally pulled out of the Fitzroy Tavern in London after lengthy peace talks succeeded in a Good Friday agreement allowing all Who fans to state publically that the bloke who played Adric was 'Camp as carousel bunting' . A small step towards a harmonious end, perhaps marred only by the recent emergence of an extremist splinter group known only as 'The Unearthly Children' who've vowed to keep the struggle alive even if nobody else can be bothered.
In a statement made on a live 'Old TV Toys' edition of Antiques Roadshow, a masked member of the group, one "Turlough Sarahjane", attempted to explain their position:
"These so-called societies are not what they do appear. They are a scum. There is only one true Who club and that is us. We have had to bow down to these evils people for far too long. Now, we must act, to avenge our fallen brothers and make the world sit up and listen. We will make no distinction between Whovians or Cyberdaleks - both will fall under the might of our strength. And them Red Dwarf Fans can bloody watch and all."
An effective statement, even given that - due to the BBC rules governing the promotion of terrorism - his voice had to be re-dubbed by Roy Skelton. His Mattel Leela figurine was thereafter valued at �20 and simply everyone was after his Weetabix gamecard collection. However the Dalek moneybox only raised �5 as its batteries had leaked and corroded the underside.
Despite this animosity, the basic roots of the various Who-fan factions are pretty much the same. For instance all are pretty much unanimous that the 1996 American TV Movie version of the show (starring Bruce Willis as The Doctor, Nancy Reagan as Leela and The MacDonalds Corporation Of North America as The Cybermen) was not quite the film it could have been. The director himself was said to be unhappy with the final cut, adding that, rather than attempting to rehash from scratch an Anglocentric cult for a market which hasn't been immersed in the same form of culture, he should instead have gone to see the Bears thrash the Millwoukee City Dodgers in Wisconsin wearing a great big baggy stars-and-stripes T-shirt while drinking Schlitz beer out of one of those idiotic hats and carrying a loaded revolver on the sidewalk.
Steven Spielberg, creator of E.T. and Shindler's List has often spoken of a planned attempt to do justice to the Who legend - with an historical scenario which should please fans from all sides of the divide, placing the Doctor in Vietnam in the 60s, killing gooks with his sonic screwdriver. "Basically I think it's a slice of history worth exploring with science-fiction and not because I woke up all sweaty one night with the idea of filming that naked little Napalm chick running into the Tardis and tripping over K9 so that if you freeze frame the DVD you can see right up her"
American cunts aside, what attempts are being made to return Who to our screens on this side of the great pond? There has at least been renewed interest from media bodies with the discovery of several hitherto 'lost' Who episodes turning up over the past three years.
The contents of the shelves of 'Missing Links', a private archive located in Nottingham, are enough to bring a moist eye to even the most casual Who obsessive. The collection is owned by a pleasant gentleman named Jeremy Scarlioni who was delighted to grant us an interview and explain the archiving process. "It's quite complex, but it works!", he smiles. "For instance, the three-part Patrick Troughton adventure 'Martyrdom Of The Daleks' was thought missing for decades. But luckily one of my seven splintered selves, spread throughout time due to the explosion of my Scaroth spaceship (which, incidentally caused the human race to exist by bombarding the inert lifecells of Earth four million years ago with a massive dose of radiation) lives in the mid-sixties and has been able to brick up off-air telerecordings of the shows in my Paris Chateau. Luckily I can communicate with him using a sort of weird mind-merging effect so he knows what format to copy it on. Not strictly legal of course!"
So will Scarlioni be sharing these long-lost treasures with Who-fans everywhere? "Well, I'm hoping to do some kind of deal with the BBC and sell them back at an exhorbitant price!", he laughs. "That way everyone's happy. Sci-fi fanatics can once again enjoy these timeless telefantasy shows which have thrilled generations. And I can continue to finance my dangerous experiments in time, return to my ship, save my people and cause the scum human race to be deleted from all recorded history. Not bad, eh?". At this point he left the room and took off his human face mask revealing a big blobby green head with a single eye which couldn't conceivably have fit underneath it. Then I had to wait for the following Saturday to talk to him again. Behind the sofa, etc.
Next week we investigate further the problems of writing a satirical piece about Dr Who when you're relying on the plots of about two adventures and a lot of rather shaky memories.
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