THE POLICE! Yes, the Police. It's all very easy for Ray Parker Jnr to suggest otherwise but you'd do well to remember that the Ghostbusters are not a recognised part of this country's emergency services. They may have received a nominal, basic training in the aprehending and detention of ghostly apparitions within a public library or hotel. But flights of fancy and impressive Industrial Light & Magic effects would simply be no match for the all-too-human criminals of the underworld lurking in our towns and villages. Your best bet is to stick with the good old boys in blue. That's us. Many is the time throughout my career that I, as a Chief Constable, have had to come face to face with hardened criminals. In such situations I need to rely on my own resolve, experience and firm piece of mind, and not expect my dilemma to be lessened by the sudden arrival of Superman (or any of his like-minded cohorts) swooping down from the sky. And neither should you. The cold facts of the matter are that real life is not populated by altruistic heroes in brightly-decorated apparel, yet the actual villains are very real indeed. You need the assistance of a tax-funded police force which understands the local community and recognises the many and varied problems which can lead to crime. And not Rambo. Consider the facts: If taxi driver Robert de Niro hadn't been so busy standing in front of his mirror holding his guns (unauthorised ownership of which is a crime I might remind you, regardless of whether you happen to be a Hollywood 'big shot'), he could have solved many of the problems he'd encountered simply by calling the police. Child prostitution is against the law and should be reported - simply pouring sugar on your toast isn't going to help anybody. James Bond could have saved himself a lot of trouble simply by visiting his local police station and reporting the antics of Blofeld, Mr Jaws and Grace Jones to the duty constable. We'd have been there in no time, and hundreds of qualified officers would have surrounded the relevant undersea base (or the Eiffel Tower, Millennium Dome, wherever it was), ready to make an immediate arrest. The business with exploding fountain pens and the silver car with the amusing jumping-out seat is the stuff of a child's fantasy. Luke Skywalker had to enlist the help of known criminals Han Solo and Chewbacca to assist with his plan to save Princess Leia and blow up the Death Star. It would have taken little more than a simple 999 call to get us on the case. We'd have sent a few cars round there immediately to arrest Mr Vader and no planets need have been decemated in the process. Chief Inspector Brody had a certain degree of advantage in dealing with that shark in that he was officially part of the local police force. However he made the mistake of relying on Robert Shaw for outside help instead of playing it by the book and calling for legitimate reinforcements. Had he gone through the correct channels and done the job properly there would never have been a Jaws 2, 3 or 4. So, join the Metropolitan Police today. Help us stamp out crime wherever it may rise. Evening all. Robocop (Chief Constable)