Hgheeehhlllo. I'm Rory Ford, the bolshy Scottish one from that Jon Ronson documentary about the Perrier Award that was on Channel 4 a few years back. Danny Wallace can't do the page this week because he's too much of a cunt (as we affectionately say in Scotland) so I've been asked to take over. Hope you enjoy it.
CHALLENGE RORY!
Choose life, choose a job, choose...oh, I do beg your pardon. This is the bit of the page where you beg my indulgence for a bit. You fockin' Annglish think you're so clever. Well prepare to have your knowledge tested by a hard Gaelic warrior. Ya wee shites, etc.
Q. Dear Rory, do you think it's right that Nica Burns should get a bunch of gushing idiots together every year to basically act as a living frontispiece to her ridiculous Perrier choices?
Matthew Pub, Bristol
Och, don't get me started on that one. Ah've seen haggis with more brains that that idiot, d'ye ken, the noo.
Q. Dear Rory, where can I get some stuff?
Jon Ronson, World Of Wonder
Well, Jon, I'd try Jools Holland or Stephen Frost. They do pretty good deals for media insiders like yourself.
Q. Dear Rory, I've just given a friend of mine a five-star review in The Scotsman and he hasn't even got a show on at the moment. Do you think this is unethical?
Anya, Watford
Gurr, snarl.
Q. Dear Rory, where do you get those cool shades from?
Kinder Surprise, The Industry
Glad you asked me that, Kinder. I got them from 'Shades' of Edinburgh (right next door to 'Short N' Vaguely Spiky' the gents hairdressers).
RORY'S MAD ABOUT...
We Scots know a thing or two about blind anger so it gives me great pleasure to sound off about one or two things that have really been getting my Gaelic goat over the past few days.
This week I'm especially furious about the price of Volvic water (as partaken by me in that snack bar in Edinburgh just after the second ad break). Something should really be done. Still, it's much better than swallowing Perrier...
Grrr, snarl. Well that's it for me. I'm off now to slam the door behind me. And be incoherent with rage in general. So, until next time, och aye. Gnash!
|
