Guten tag, und good comedy! Hitler here. You may know me from my war. Danny Wallace is a bit tied up this week (and locked in a broom cupboard!), so I�ve taken over. I�m in Edinburgh the moment - and, with the amount of posters up at the moment, it�s like the Athena of the North! So, without further ado, on with the page! And that�s an order!
ASK HITLER
Q. Hasn�t the Second World War dated a bit now, when you look at it?
A. Nein really. I agree, it was very much of its time and a lot of the cheesy racism hasn�t dated well. And, if anything�s dated, it�s the costumes! But I think there�s a lot of good stuff there. If we ever get a third world war, we�ll do it slightly differently, I think. It�ll probably be a lot darker.
Q. Was there a pilot for the Second World War?
A. Indeed there was, but I wasn�t involved. I was only brought in because of my �Invading Poland� sketch. I�ve never seen it, but apparently there�s a different bloke playing Goebbels.
Q. I can�t find a copy of Mein Kampf anywhere - is it going to be re-published?
A. I think most of them are still under my bed! Nein, seriously, you may still find the odd copy in Oxfam and places like that, alongside The Dame Edna Coffee Table Book and Viz - The Big Pink Hard One. It�s got lots of great bits in it - like a parody of the Radio Times (written by my old writing partner Charlie) and an introduction by someone inappropriate.
Q. I preferred the Second World War on the radio - is it ever going to come out on CD?
A. A 50th anniversary release was on the cards a few years ago, but there were a lot of legal problems to be sorted out. Basically, what I wanted was a deal whereby I retained ownership of all my explosions, and the war dead didn�t want to play ball. Maybe it�s for the best.
Q. The Holocaust - how could it happen?
A. People really miss the point with the whole Jew thing. Really, the joke was about me - I�d always been interested in obsessional people, and I always did a little bit before I gassed them which kinda threw the joke back on myself. Hitler was sort of based on the kind of people I�d try and avoid when I was a student...but, well, there�s a lot of him in me, I suppose!
HITLER'S MAD ABOUT...
JEWS, GYPSIES AND HOMOSEXUALS
Don�t trust �em. Cos they�re up to summin' aren�t they? Up to summin', yeah? And the problem with xenophobia is it�s a Greek word, innit? Yerknaworramsayin? By the way, I am a character.
IT'S BEEN A NAZI OLD WEEK FOR...
Dave Gorman, my favourite unimportant peripheral backwater nobody, has started a war of his own. The double-BAFTA award-winning writer is apparently a big fan of my stuff, and can�t wait to get started. A word of advice, Dave - facial hair doesn�t do you any favours! I should know.
Danny Wallace is back doing wars on Radio 4. Look out for his impartial documentary My Friends, starting next Thursday, when Danny will be hanging onto the coat-tails of people who look like they�ll be successful quite soon. He�ll be back on Funnee Talk next week, by the way - customs officers are currently investigating him after a condom stuffed full of heroin was found lodged in his elbow.
Charlie Brooker (him again!) is a cunt. I�m sorry, but these people really need to be told. He gives a lot of my work a bad name.
Anyway, that�s yer lot! Have a good Edinburgh, and I�ll see you again soon!
Love,
Hitler
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