CUT TO SHUTTLEWORTH IN MID-ROUTINE. DESPITE THE PRESENCE OF THE PERRIER COMMITTEE, THERE IS STILL HARDLY ANYONE IN THE ROOM.

SHUTTLEWORTH
Well, what it is, you see, basically, is I'm a critic. (A little laughter) The kind of idiot who'll spend August up here seeing five shows a day, and on my days off I'll go to the theatre.

WE CUT AWAY TO VARIOUS COMMITTEE MEMBERS. THEY LOOK GLOOMY AND BORED.

SHUTTLEWORTH
In that time, I've written about this consciousness-buggering jamboree for The Independent, The List, currently the Financial Times, and even - God help us - OK Weekly. Being a critic's all about abuse of power, after all. I'm not a stand up. I'm more a sort of lean-to, really... (Fade)

THE PLEASANCE COURTYARD AGAIN. IAN, SMUGGLING TIC-TACS, IS NOT HAPPY.

RONSON V/O
After the show, Ian decides to approach the Perrier judges.

PERRIER COMMITTEE WOMAN
I thought you were going to pick on me more. I was getting very anxious there in the first row. You alright?

SHUTTLEWORTH
Just saving... how do... yeah... not happy today.

WOMAN
Not happy? After the show, or just generally?

SHUTTLEWORTH
I don't know what it was, I just felt I was... I was a lot slower in... er... I mean, at one stage I was getting bored with the... with the sentence patterns, the cadence patterns, so... erm, I lost confidence in the material midway through

RONSON ASKS ANOTHER PERRIER JUDGE, RORY, WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT IAN SHUTTLEWORTH BEING SHORTLISTED. THROUGHOUT THIS INTERVIEW, SHUTTLEWORTH IS SEEN IN THE BACKGROUND, BEING PATTED ON THE BACK BY HIS COLLEAGUES AND ENJOYING HIS ALE.

RORY
(CONFUSED) About Ian? What about Ian? Are we...

RONSON
He's getting on the shortlist now.

RORY
(SNORTS IN A 'DON'T BE FUCKING RIDICULOUS' TYPE WAY) He's not getting on the shortlist! He's... he's not getting on the shortlist! Who-who-who-who thought that it was gonna go... who thought he was good enough to go on? (RONSON INDICATES JAMES) Well, I don't wanna frighten James and stuff, but do they know each other or what... (CUTAWAY OF JAMES AT THE BAR, BUTTER REFUSING TO MELT IN HIS MOUTH)... are they mates... well, y'know, he's biased, I-I don't think he should have a vote. But we're standing very very close to him... I mean, do you not think he might have overheard?

LATER ON. RONSON INTERVIEWS RORY IN THE 'FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD' SNACK BAR:

RONSON V/O
Rory's not a critic in everyday life. He won a competition in a magazine to become a Perrier judge.

RONSON
You felt very strongly about Ian Shuttleworth.

RORY
Yeah, I did., because I think it's... I-I-I don't think that a friend should... should have... or I don't think a friend on the panel would... should have the right to put forward another friend who's doing a stand up show.

RONSON
Does that make you think that the world of critics...

RORY
Is incestuous? Hm-mm. And, er... and watching... watching the show, which I did enjoy, I mean I did laugh, but I caught all the references, you know... but I would have been appalled to see him on the shortlist. 'Cos it was so... I mean, er... and it's incredible, it... did he really get a five-star review in The Scotsman?

RONSON
Well they moved it down to four... somebody... he-he... it was submitted as five-star review, but they made it four stars, it got published as four.

RORY
Why's that?

RONSON
Erm... I think the editor of The Scotsman...

RORY
... was worried that Ian Shuttleworth would disappear up his own arse? (RONSON IS CLEARLY AMUSED; RORY GRINS AND DRINKS FROM HIS BOTTLE OF VOLVIC) Do you know who the reviewer was?

RONSON
A woman called Anya.

RORY
Anya? Not heard of her.

RONSON
(AUDIBLY DELIGHTED AT TELLING HIM) Well, she's a friend of Ian's.

RORY
Oh, you're... (LAUGHS SPECTACULARLY) For God's sake! That's terrible! Come on! That's terrible! I don't believe that - really?! How many friends has this guy got?

RONSON V/O
As a member of the public, Rory considers himself a fresh pair of eyes, untainted by the scourge of industry nepotism.

THE NEXT DAY. RORY IS NO LONGER IN SUCH GOOD SPIRITS, AND VOICES HIS OBJECTION TO THE PERRIER COMMITTEE:

RORY
I was very disturbed that, er... that... I-I understand what Jon... when you said to me yesterday that... that had been put forward for consideration for the shortlist. The more and more I thought about it, I became... furious, I was incoherent with rage, erm... that-that... about the incestuousness that some... that a friend should nominate a friend. I, er... I-I-I really strongly felt that that should not have happened. Jon gave me the impression, erm... that, er... that it... that was going to be discussed as a possible shortlist show...

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Only in the context that everybody else is being discussed, Rory...

RORY
(WITH OVERTONES OF 'IF YOU SAY SO') Oh, right.

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
I mean, not-not... any more specially. Can we talk...

CHRISTOPHER
I don't... I honestly thought the material was... was very good, I...

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Can we talk about whether the show was any good?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, that's what I was..

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Why did you think it was a good show, James?

CHRISTOPHER
I thought it was fantastic, the material. I thought it was very...

SECOND FEMALE
I thought it was, erm... I thought it would have made a funny article, but I thought he's not a performer...

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
Yeah, it was not an article...

SECOND FEMALE
And writing gags is a very very different thing to writing cr... , y'know... any kind of journalistic piece.

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
It was like a piece being read out...

SECOND FEMALE
And it was like, yeah... and it was... er, it was alright, erm... as a, as a piece... but I just thought it was, erm...

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
It was entertaining...

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, what did you feel about the material that he was doi... OK, alr... I agree, actually, about his performance, I don't think that's a strong part of Ian's show, but I do feel, that his material, though you would... would say it was an in... incestuous thing to do...

RORY
Deeply.

CHRISTOPHER
Deeply incestuous thing to do.

RORY
Deeply incestuous.

CHRISTOPHER
Deeply, deeply incestuous...

MALE VOICE (OOV)
Master of detail...

CHRISTOPHER
... is, er... I thought there was... it was...

MALE VOICE (OOV)
I just wondered whether it appealed to anybody else?

CHRISTOPHER
Yah, I was... that's what I was concer... slightly worried, whether it would appeal to-to other people

RORY
Uh-uh...

CHRISTOPHER
It appealed to me greatly because I... y'know, I... obviously... have... come from that world. But did anyone else think it was a... everyone else think it was a complete waste of time, then?

THIRD FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
There was... there was no reason for me to be there.

NIGHT. CUT TO OUTSIDE OF THE GILDED BALLOON. A QUEUE IS FORMING.

RONSON V/O
This is Late and Live at the Gilded Balloon. This is where the comedians sit in the audience and watch the stars of Edinburgh perform. It's big news to be booked at Late and Live - only those who get rave reviews in The Scotsman or make it onto the Perrier long-list are awarded this accolade. Opening the bill tonight is Ian Shuttleworth. This may be the first time that a critic has been booked to appear in front of a room full of comedians rather than vice versa. It'll be a new experience for everyone.

SHUTTLEWORTH IS BACKSTAGE IN SILENT PRAYER.

SHUTTLEWORTH
That was between me and The Almighty, but I don't think I'm giving away any secrets if I... if I tell you that I said 'Please, God, don't let me fuck up'.

A GRUBBY, DUSTY STAGE. THE AUDIENCE ARE HOT AND BOOZY.

COMPERE
Are you ready for our next act, can we bring him straight on, ladies and gentleman? (Audience members agree that this is a good idea) He's a freelance critic - ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and go mental for the one and only IAN SHUTTLEWORTH!!!

IAN SHUTTLEWORTH ENTERS TO LOUD, 'FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY' APPLAUSE. HE HAS MADE SOME CONCESSIONS TO THE CROWD - HE NOW WEARS A LEATHER JACKET AND SWIGS FROM A BOTTLE OF LAGER. HE HAS ALSO MADE SUBTLE CHANGES TO HIS ACT:

SHUTTLEWORTH
(PEERING OUT INTO CROWD) What the fuck am I doing up here?

'I DUNNO' SHOUTS ONE HECKLER.

SHUTTLEWORTH
I'm a cretin, for fuck's sake!

'YES YOU ARE' SHOUTS SOMEONE, STEPPING ON THE PUNCHLINE.

SHUTTLEWORTH
Sorry, I'm a critic, for fuck's sake!

'FUCK OFF' THEY SHOUT.

SHUTTLEWORTH
Jesus, I should... I should be down there sneering at y... (STARTS TALKING LIKE A SARCASTIC SCHOOL TEACHER)... yes, yes, I can try reviewing you lot, yes... 'Large, interesting, varied cast, slight lack of original material... '

'FUCKING LEAVE!' IS THE NEXT PIECE OF ADVICE.

SHUTTLEWORTH
I don't know...

'SSSSHHHH!' IMPLORES A KIND AUDIENCE MEMBER. IN CONTRAST, DYLAN MORAN CAN BE HEARD TO SHOUT 'DIE!'

SHUTTLEWORTH
It's alright, I'm from Belfast - I know what legitimate target means...

A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER. 'GIVE HIM A CHANCE EVERYBODY' SOMEONE SUGGESTS.

SHUTTLEWORTH
Well, look, y'know, I've... (TRIES TO ADJUST MICROPHONE TO HIS HEIGHT)... let's just, let's just raise things to my level...(FINDS HE CANNOT DO THIS )... or completely fail to do so. (TAKES MICROPHONE OFF ITS HOLDER AND PACES ABOUT THE STAGE) Right...

'JUST LEAVE!' IS THE NEXT HECKLE. SHUTTLEWORTH MISHEARS COMPLETELY, AND VENTURES FORTH WITH AN AD LIB:

SHUTTLEWORTH
'Lean'? With a figure like this? One of the last words you can apply to me! (BACK TO THE SCRIPT) Just gets so fucking confusing coming up here, and you read all the buzzwords and the programme blurbs and the bumf and the handbills, and you know what they mean as well as I do, y'know. 'Vibrant'? 'Well, we think we're shit-hot... '

NEXT HECKLE: 'DO YOU THINK WE GIVE A DAMN?'

SHUTTLEWORTH
'Original'? Well, that's... y'know, that's as in Werther's Original, y'know... it's hard, it's a sticky, there's no point suckin' it...

A LITTLE LAUGHTER. CUT TO ALAN DAVIES IN THE AUDIENCE, SHAKING HIS HEAD AND LOOKING LIKE HE CANNOT BELIEVE HOW BAD SHUTTLEWORTH IS. HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, SMILES, AND MAKES A THUMBS-DOWN GESTURE.

SHUTTLEWORTH
OK... Emma's parents, Emma's parents were up for the week so she's incredibly self conscious, and she's...

'GET OFF!' THEY SHOUT.

SHUTTLEWORTH
... editing out the dirty bits as she goes along. And the... well you get the picture. Cos, yeah... 'cos we've got our own buzzwords as well...

DYLAN MORAN SHOUTS 'THIS IS NOT AN ARTICLE!'

SHUTTLEWORTH
... y'know, the stuff you don't know what we mean when we write, like 'Disappointing'. Disappointing means 'It's a crock of shit, but I spent last night on the piss with the company... ' (THE BOOING HAS NOW INCREASED TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT SHUTTLEWORTH DECIDES TO MAKES HIS EXIT) OK, you've really been incredibly civil, I'm off to feed my papier mâché tortoise...

HE EXEUNTS TO MORE HECKLES, INCLUDING A CRY OF 'WATCH YER ARSE!'. SHUTTLEWORTH IS STILL MIKED UP AND WE CAN HEAR HIM SAY 'WELL THAT WAS A FUCKING MESS... '

THE COMPERE RETURNS:

COMPERE
That was Ian Shuttleworth, ladies and gentlemen! So is that two stars, one star, one star?

AUDIENCE ALL SHOUT 'ONE STAR!'

COMPERE
No stars! (Laughter)

BACKSTAGE. SHUTTLEWORTH IS ONCE AGAIN PACING UP AND DOWN WITH A CIGARETTE. HE IS TALKING WITH A MEMBER OF VENUE STAFF.

SHUTTLEWORTH
That was the most hellish experience of my life... and...

STAFF MEMBER
What was? Out there?

SHUTTLEWORTH
Those 45 seconds, yeah. And I'm frankly... I'm just not up to it... again... y'know...

STAFF MEMBER
Who knows? It's your choice completely.

SHUTTLEWORTH
Cheers. Sorry about that, but...

STAFF MEMBER (CLEARLY NOT GIVING A FUCK EITHER WAY)
No, don't worry.

SHOTS OF SHUTTLEWORTH WALKING HOME IN THE RAIN.

RONSON V/O
I later discover that the two who led the booing were the comedians Dylan Moran and Sean Hughes. Maybe Ian represents to them all critics and this was a form of revenge on behalf of all comedians.

CUT TO SEAN HUGHES BEING INTERVIEWED:

SEAN HUGHES
I wasn't aware of who he was or whether he was a critic until I heard Dylan Moran shouting... and Dylan was right at the back, and then I thought it was quite good fun, and I said to Dylan 'If you're gonna do it, do it at the front', and he actually went up the front. And I might have joined in then, but I don't remember saying anything, but, erm... I think I was just enjoying the whole... as a spectator that night, y'know... 'cos there was enough people shouting. If he... if he had any intelligence about him, he knew that Late and Live is where comics hang out - like 'Hi, I'm a critic, I'm hanging out with my peers, y'know? I go out with the other comics and see how they like my stuff... ' Yeah, it was cruel but it was a mannered cruelty, and it had its purpose.

RONSON
Ian's back to being a critic now.

HUGHES
And he's probably laying into people big time because of that...

CUT TO SHUTTLEWORTH AT HOME, TAPPING AWAY AT A LAPTOP. HE READS OUT WHAT HE HAS JUST WRITTEN:

SHUTTLEWORTH
'It can be grimly reassuring to attend a show and find that one's prejudices about the performer are entirely born out. The self-aggrandising, sophomore doggerel paraded in vice and verse, the poetry of Murray Lachlan Young is a case in point.' End. I don't think he deserves more of the oxygen of publicity than that.

HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA, THEN BACK TO THE LAPTOP.

THE FOLLOWING CAPTIONS ARE DISPLAYED OVER THE CLOSING MUSIC:

'IAN SHUTTLEWORTH DIDN'T GET SHORTLISTED FOR THE PERRIER AWARD. HE CONTINUES TO WRITE REVIEWS FOR THE FINANCIAL TIMES'

'IAN PLANS TO RETURN TO THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL WITH A NEW COMEDY ROUTINE'

RUN CREDITS:

Written and produced by JON RONSON
Assistant producer KATIE BUCHANAN
Production manager ADELE VENN
Film Editor HORACIO QUEIRO
Series producer SIMON EVERSON
Executive producer DAVID FRANK
Directed and filmed by RUSSELL ENGLAND

An RDF Television production for Channel 4